D graduated HS and I am so sad...

Parent Cafe
21

<p>That is absolutely true – the relationship is being re-defined and my role is a new one, mother of a college student, not mother of a HS student.</p>

<p>Much of what many of you shared resonates with me – I realize that for the past several months I have not been myself and have buried this feeling and tried not to acknowledge it. </p>

<p>My fear that D 's diploma would be withheld or that she would be prevented from graduating were merely manifestations of postponing the inevitable.</p>

<p>It is not so much the physical separation (her college is only about 80 miles away), but rather, the STEP to the future – college, career, marriage, children, hopefully in that order. And no longer is my wisdom necessarily right or true – whatever I know about college is old info, 30 yrs old! This is in many ways as much my journey as it is my child’s.</p>

<p>I am really wishing she did not commit to work at a camp for 4 weeks this summer! I would rather have her here at home.</p>

<p>And I am all about sucking it up and not moping all summer in front of her – THAT sends the wrong message. In part I AM thrilled for her – and SO proud – and would never want her to feel badly for her success or to feel guilty for going off to school. I am just in such a different place than last summer, when we toured schools, when applications were still blank, and when a week or two at a camp was a nice break to tend to chores and what not.</p>

<p>I hate to sound so morose – and let me tell you, the graduation ceremony was awesome and exciting for her – and like someone else here, I had some issues with the HS and AM relieved that I no longer have to deal with their RULES…BUT!!!</p>

<p>it does not feel like yesterday that we were driving her home from the hospital in her brand new car seat – it did not go by THAT fast – but we just so enjoyed the journey and all of the days of going to soccer games, packing up her backpack for school, driving to birthday parties, and helping her discover the world. I realize the journey has not ended completely, but I am less of an active participant and more of a cheerleader/ATM in my new role as a Mother of a College Student. I will study my lines and learn my part. </p>

<p>I am really glad I did not know last summer how I would feel today. I read on here about the importance of visiting colleges and we drove 2000 miles and looked at many and in retrospect, I am SO glad we had that time. Time before the college acceptance letter arrived and the diploma landed in her hands…</p>

<p>Whew. I need coffee and a therapist. Needlepointing? Old hobbies? Cruise? Hiking? I am AM all over that me-time.</p>

<p>Thank you so much everyone for validating my feelings. I was expecting unmitigated glee.</p>

<p>Marcy</p>

22

<p>One more thing that might be helpful for you. I don’t know about others, but the summer before D left, two summers ago, was just about the worst time of our lives. She had always been a pretty easy child, more or less. Great student, minimal behavior problems, etc. But I think the separation anxiety of June, July, August 2007 were AWFUL. For all of us. We fought, we argued, we yelled, and by the time we had to drop her off, I almost felt as though it were good riddance! But then, the minute after we were on the road, I began to cry. I stopped after a little while, but it was a shock to the system. Perhaps the 4 weeks at camp will be a good thing. Sure, it means less time together, but maybe it will also save some of the trauma that is naturally a part of the last few months. I know others have shared this kind of anxiety, not everyone, but it’s normal, folks, and it will also disappear pretty soon after. That is, when you first get back together, things will not be so tense, with all probability. Good luck to all of you!</p>

23

<p>Yes, it’s just plain hard. It’s a time of transition. I didn’t anticipate that wave of emotion so it really caught me off guard. No matter what I tried, I did feel a little melancholy all last summer, just knowing that life was changing in a very permanent way. As my friend said, “It is a wish for things that were.” </p>

<p>I thought that my s’s constant activity and nocturnal wanderings last summer would make me feel relieved to see him go when he left for his freshman year, so I was again surprised by the incredible sadness after we took him to school. I didn’t really understand it at first, but it was grief, plain and simple. I was pretty mopey for about a month, but the fog does lift and we settled into the new life very well.</p>

<p>I was also looking forward to some “me” time because the high school is on a different schedule than the elementary so s and his buddies were always tromping through the door in the middle of the afternoon. It took me awhile to begin to enjoy the calm and quiet. </p>

<p>So, with grief there is no shortcut, you just have to go through it. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me to hear from people that have been there. It helped tremendously last fall to be on here talking to people who were going through the same thing. I also had a handful of friends that were going through it–and I envied them their daughters because they heard from them a lot more than I heard from my s. It doesn’t always work that way, but it does seem that girls stay in touch more often than boys.</p>

24

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<p>Oh yes, I forgot about THIS! My D has always been high maintenance, but for the last month or so, she’s become Gradzilla.</p>

25

<p>Last year I found this site sometime during the mid part of the summer when I was truly freaking out about my only son, my only child leaving for college. I know exactly how you feel. I cried at everything. Everything reminded me of the things he did, the things we did together as he was growing up. I did not want to let that go. I really was a total wreck–but I did hide it pretty well from him. He knew I was sad but he did not know how sad I really was. It was horrible.<br>
Then the day came when we dropped him off at school. I did ok until we were leaving and then I lost it. The first month he was gone was horrible. I seriously thought I was going to have to go to the doctor and get some happy pills. But then it started to get better.<br>
I was lucky because he was only about an hour away and so I did get to see him periodically. I was able to look and him and watch him growing in to a great young man. I was able to watch him learning about life in so many different ways. I was also able to talk to him in a different way. I am still his mom, I will always be his mom but we can also talk more like adults now. Does he still infuriate me? Absolutely!! Does he still make not so smart choices. Without a doubt. Is he still my son–you bet!<br>
Last year someone told me that the anticipation is worse than the reality of the situation. And they were right. Let yourself cry if you need to. But know that even though things are going to change–it is not all bad. Some things are even better. And with a daughter that will probably be even more true.<br>
You really will be fine–trust those of us who have been there. Your in my thoughts.</p>

26

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This is true for so many things in my life. </p>

<p>And, I said this very same thing to my D yesterday when she called saying that she is worried she will be lonely at school next year (BF is graduating, others are spending semesters away…). She will meet new friends, keep the old ones, and the BF wasn’t very good for her anyway. I never said that part of it to her.</p>

27

<p>I know I am having some kind of issue with son’s upcoming graduation and college. This is probably why I linger still on CC. I just want to grief in a healthy way. Son is happy , responsible and makes me so proud. I am simply going to miss him, he is good company. I know the best gift I can give him is my love and to let him go without baggage. I have had a partime job, which i can increase to greater responsibility. This I think will help me wean down my parenting role. It has been a wonderful ride and I am sure will still be great. I remenber the same grieving happened when I chose to just have two children and not keep going. It is closure but the opening new chapters. All will be well!!</p>

28

<p>We are still a year away from this, but I am already planning for what to do to fill the hours.
Could write that book, or get an online degree. Or weed out all of the junk in the house. Photo albums and scrap booking. Get a job, get a dog, get a life…</p>

<p>Actually, I suspect that I will do more of what I do now-- Check the computer often to see if S or D is online and wants to chat…</p>

<p>It has been a joy, watching them grow up…</p>

29

<p>For mothers of sons, and poetry readers…My sister gave me a copy of this poem by Sharon Olds after my son graduated:</p>

<p>[My</a> Son the Man by Sharon Olds : The Poetry Foundation [poem]](<a href=“http://www.poetryfoundation.org/archive/poem.html?id=178285]My”>My Son the Man by Sharon Olds | Poetry Foundation)</p>

30

<p>from the “poem” referenced above:</p>

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<p>Ahh…the conquest of misandry over maternal instinct. How very fashionable.</p>

31

<p>Thankyou Mary 13 for poem. it is hard to capture the feeling we all have in words. It is joy and sadness. Poems help alot. The love I have felt for my children has made me feel more alive than anything else. I am grateful for it and will not fight the change that I know is the natural order of things. I have more love to give, now that I have experienced this special relationship. We will always have it.</p>

32

<p>^ ibnhf1, I agree–and I think these posts show that we all share the same melancholy in varying degrees.</p>

<p>toblin, lol re your post #30…I wasn’t trying to promote anything edgy or controversial. I simply liked the image of the son quietly determined to be free, especially the last line:</p>

<p>Now he looks at me
the way Houdini studied a box
to learn the way out, then smiled and let himself be manacled. </p>

<p>My son was never openly rebellious. He “smiled and let himself be manacled,” until the moment that he deftly and amiably slipped away to live on his own. This is as it should be, but from time to time I miss that baby in the sleeper.</p>

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<p>I knew how I would feel because of my older S. So, after D. left to college, I knew that I would need to find some new after work activity, otherwise I will be in major depression despite having job (thanks goodness) that I love. I got lucky, I found it. Have to learn to get more self-centered again and find what you truly love. For some people, it is volunteering. Even though it looks like giving to others, if you are not enjoying doing it is it not worthwhile. Got to enjoy your life, otherwise, depression time!</p>

34

<p>Thank you for the poem Mary 13- the Houdini imagery is spot-on, even for those of us with daughters.</p>

35

<p>I’m new to this thread and have a year to go, but I hope y’all won’t try to suppress your feelings. Why shouldn’t the child know it’s hard on you, too?</p>

<p>I vividly remember my father sending off my much-older brother to a trade school three states away. He tried to keep it together, but the minute my brother pulled out of the driveway my father put his head on the kitchen table. I left the room. I had never seen my father, a career military man, so distraught. I didn’t need to witness his emotion, but I knew it was there, which was quite instructive to me 10 years later when I went to college. My parents kept me home for two years at a cc, but I finally transferred after two years to a school about 45 minutes from home. The day before I was supposed to move into my first-ever apartment, I had to take him to the ER complaining of chest pains. I knew he wasn’t having a heart attack; i knew his heart was aching about having to let his baby go, but I wouldn’t have known that if it weren’t for having seen him so sad at my brother’s departure.</p>

<p>Wow, I’m bawling here remembering that. And I wonder why I’m encouraging ds to look at faraway schools. Stupid, stupid, stupid! :)</p>

36

<p>There is allowing the student to know and acknowledge our sadness. Then there is displaying it and making him/her deal with it and feel responsible. I think it is fine to allow the student to see that we have mixed emotions. I think it is OK to show that we are proud and grateful and will miss our kids. But I think it is wise to restrain ourselves in order to allow our kids to soar without guilt. This was never supposed to be about us, right?</p>

37

<p>Yesterday when I got the chance to give my newly returned home D a big hug with a big smile I told her that my eyes and my arms had been hungry for her, and that the hug was delicious! She totally understood what I meant, and she gave me such a big smile. I think it is good for the relationship to acknowledge that our children are missed, but I TOTALLY agree that we need to be grown up about it, and keep the display of grief (which it correctly was identified as being) separate from them.</p>

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<p>Note that my dad held it together in front of my brother. But I’m glad I got to see his emotion. Made me understand him better and made it easier on me when my time came. Agreed that you should keep it appropriate.</p>

39

<p>I too have had a crazy, up then down year with DS who really put me through the paces this year - when he missed many an opportunity, or in my mind he did. </p>

<p>I’ve shed more than a few tears reading this thread…and thinking to myself that it is quite a rollercoaster this end of HS stuff. </p>

<p>Even DS has begun to acknowledge the issues - he asked me to read a paper of his last night, and I was simply too tired - I said no. He became genuinely upset and asked me if I was just uninterested now that he was ‘done’ with HS!!! (Insert Mother’s Moment of Guilt here). Just last week, I mentioned to him that I was getting my driver’s license renewed because it had expired. He asked me if he should come along so I could help him renew his - I told him that there was no need to do that, as his was only a year plus old, and he could renew it on his own when it expired. He said - in all seriousness - well, Mom, I’ll just renew it early because then you’ll tell me what I need to do and I will not have to figure it out on my own !!! (Insert Mother Moment of did I raise this one to be independent enough here.)</p>

40

<p>Ok we all are feeling sad & dreading getting through the graduation ceremonies, college orientation, drop off trip etc. But, lets try to be positive…the fact that they are going off to a good college MEANS, AS PARENTS, WE DID OUR JOB WELL!!!
so hang in there everyone & try to rejoice in the moment!</p>