<p>cam lavendar,
I feel your pain! My D seems just like yours. I get many crying phone calls. Her away msgs are depressing 99% of the time. I expected it, but was not prepared for the gut-wrenching feeling I have after every phone call. She has always been slow to adapt to new situations even though she is a very social person who seems to attract new friends in every situation. What I have done:
-Asked her if she wants to transfer (no, was her answer). I have made it clear to her that if she decides to do so, we will help her. We have made it clear that we want her to be happy, so she should not feel like a disappointment to us if she decides this school is not for her.
-We talk/e-mail/instant msg on a daily basis…sometimes just to say hi and no more
-sympathize with her when she complains about missing those close bonds of HS friendships, but encourage her to talk to new friends about them. Those new friends are missing the same things as she is.
-I have visited her and seen her in her “new” surroundings. If possible, try to do so. It is reassuring to see that despite her complaints, she appears to be adapting, is surrounded by nice new friends, and is busy doing what she enjoys.
It’s a huge transition for the student AND the parents :)</p>
<p>I have been experiencing the same thing- D #2, who was so outgoing and busy in hs is miserable in college.She is three hours away and we have let her come home several times, just to sleep in her own bed and have a meal, the first time she stayed in bed and cried- it was awful. I ended up going back with her and staying in a hotel for three nights, just to be nearby. Also, got her set up with a counselor through the college for weekly meetings. Things have slowly gotten better, she likes her roomie. Classes are a disappointment- not as challenging because several classes this first semester are repeats of hs- calc, chem,english,
I keep telling her it will get better. It seems to be harder to make friends than she expected, though coming from a small town where everyone knew her, she never had to make new friends before.
When she begged to come home after one week, we told her she had to finish the semester, now is registering for spring and we haven’t heard that she wants to transfer for awhile. Just glad she didn’t go to her number on choice which was 8 hours away!
Good luck!!</p>
<p>
Even though it’s hard to listen to our kids when they are unhappy, college is probably the last chance to learn some basic life skills before they lose the safety net. It’s better that kids experience some of these challenges as freshmen in college, where there are counselors and other support services, than on the first job which requires relocation or business travel.</p>
<p>I would suggest you see if you can have a conversation with an RA, or some adult who has seen her. You may find that she is very happy, smiling, etc. As other posters have said, she may be saving all her angst for you – or getting that way at the time of phone calls – and doing quite well at other times.</p>
<p>I think it is truly difficult because the adjustment is so hard. But thinking about what my son went through his first year, I have to say to make sure you listen to what she is complaining about. if it’s being lonely, missing friends etc, that is one thing, and has to be worked out and a solution sought, like joining a club, attending meetings etc. If she is complaining about problems with the school, then please listen close and hard, because initially I didn’t. And boy has my son had problems with the school, that in turn made his time at school awful. and my time at home awful. I think teens though are so dramatic, and easily overwhelmed. I await my daughter going to college this coming september to see how she fares over my son’s experiences.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you and your daughter. My oldest daughter also had a difficult time adjusting to college. She went to her first choice school and loved the school and her classes, but felt disconnected from her peers. She perceived that they had all adjusted and made friends within the 4-6 weeks since they arrived on campus and that she was lacking in this area. She felt desperately lonely and said her heart ached and she had no appetite. She said she longed for a hug. She called home multiple times each day, often crying and never happy. At Thanksgiving, someone slipped and asked her when she was ‘going home’ and she started to cry and said this was her home, that school was ‘just school.’ </p>
<p>We offered her the option of transfering and offered to help her through that process. We did tell her that we wanted her to stick out the first year where she was, though, because we felt certain that one day she would wake up and realize that she did have friends. Sounds naive perhaps, but we hoped that the friendship she craved would develop over time and shared experiences. We felt that if she left too soon, she would not have given sufficient time to the process and then she would be starting over again at another school. Since the issue was friends and not the school, we were comfortable with this decision.</p>
<p>Winter break was a turning point for her. She was absolutely thrilled to be home and to have a lot of time to spend time with old friends and bask in the glow of being home with family. But guess what, after a week or so, she realized that she missed her new friends and that she had grown and changed and out grown some of her friends from high school. She was bored at home and missed the late night chats and excursions she had become used to. She spent a fair amount of time ‘talking’ on line and on the phone with her new found friends. Going back was suddenly something to be excited about. Once back at school , she continued to call home daily, but not more thatn once daily and the tone of the conversations was much more upbeat. She is now a junior and still tends to call home more often than not, but she is very happy and thriving in her environment. </p>
<p>Why am I telling you all of this? Well, for one thing, kids tend to call home when they are at their lowest and unless there are no major ‘red flags’ they are probably just needing a pick-me-up. Late last year when my daughter and I spoke about the beginning of her Freshman year, she confessed that the calls always made her feel as if she could go on and she felt quite good until she needed her next ‘fix.’ The calls had the opposite effect on us. We were feeling cautiously optimistic each day until the phone calls began, at which time we began to once again feel stressed and upset. </p>
<p>Continue to give your daughter encouragement and support and to just listen. You may not feel great after another tearful conversation, but she will probably feel much better and more capable of meeting the next challenge.</p>
<p>mwmom…thanks for sharing your experiences. I am hoping that the semester break brings the same realizations for my D as your D experienced. I keep telling myself that I am lucky to have a child who is willing to freely share with me her challenges as well as her triumphs. It’s easy to get through the good things and happy times is life…it’s the tough times that help develop character!</p>
<p>As I read through many of the freshman posts, this seems to be a major problem, and one that I dread the most. My daughter is very happy in high school, but wants to go far enough away that her experience doesn’t feel like hs all over again. We visited a few colleges, and she really feel in love with one and applied ED. I worry all the time that she’ll be lonely because she not outgoing. She needs to be pushed sometimes to look for friends. She also doesn’t drink, and is not into the party scene. These kids seem to be posting the most on the discussion boards. I’m not sure how to handle this, but your post really struck a cord with me. I would feel like picking her up and taking her home! Sorry, I know this is of no help. I’ll be looking at others suggestions for future reference. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.</p>
<p>Jennsmom, your post describes my oldest very well. We learned a few things from the experience. Her first night at school, her roommate started drinking at noon, as did the rest of her floor. By 4, everyone was quite drunk. Being a not very outgoing girl, she just sat sober in her room and did not seek out other kids on other floors to hang out with. She wondered what she got herself into. We wish we would have known then what we know now. When our youngest daughter entered this same school, she immediately went into a healthy living dorm, where the focus is off alcohol. Although D2 is much more outgoing than D1, we know D1 would have enjoyed this dorm and as it ended up, it is where D1’s now roommates and best friends hailed from. It just took her a little longer to find them. As painful as it all was for our daughter (and us), she grew tremendously from this experience in her self confidence and resourcefulness. She now knows she has the strength and support to weather bad times. We cannot and should not shelter our kids from adversity. It promotes growth and self confidence. We were, however, careful to watch for any ‘red flags’ that might have signaled deeper issues which we would have had to step in and address.</p>
<p>Thank you much to everyone who replied to my post, “D reports she’s miserable at college”! I received many helpful and insightful responses. Most important, the support extended has been warm, revealing, and sincere.</p>
<p>To any and all who wrote that they, too, have kids who are having a rough time, I hope that you are now receiving happier, or at least, fewer UNhappy reports. And to those of you who shared your children’s past experiences (or even your own) thank you for your candor.</p>
<p>Regarding my D’s situation, it is somewhat improved. She continues to attend her classes, study, make friends, be involved, run into the city even–yet she still complains often enough of sadness to have us (and her) concerned. She’s seen a counselor several times and that has helped. Overall, her good moods seem more frequent and the low ones more patterned and predictable and she’s learning, it seems, how to “move through” them with more ease.</p>
<p>I think there are a couple important lessons running through this (for both her and me) and your responses hit on them: </p>
<p>Like many of the students described in your posts who are having or did have rough adjustments to college, my D also had a good, warm, and supportive HS experience and left that, and a close circle of friends, behind. And, dare I say it, her intense missing of us has reminded my husband and me that we’ve provided her with–despite all the screw-ups and far-less-than-perfect days at home-- a very warm and loving home. (I always tend to focus–who doesn’t?–on what we did not do right with our kids, so it’s come as a bit of a surprise to realize, wow, I really DID mother her well!) </p>
<p>So it seems, if what I’m hearing here, and from others, is common, that kids who leave communities behind that were “working well for them” might be more likely to have adjustment issues. Makes sense…look at all they’re leaving behind and having to recreate in their new locale. Might also suggest that these kids have expectations that are unrealistic (and why).</p>
<p>Another common thread that keeps popping up is, of course, the whole challenge of adjusting to a new community wherever and whenever in life one has to do that. It ain’t easy and those of us who’ve moved several times, entered and left the workforce (maybe mulitple times), married, had kids, perhaps divorced, suffered illness or accident, etc.(in other words, all of us), probably don’t realize how many “skills” we’ve acquired over the years that have helped us through these transitions. </p>
<p>New college students, though, are still so young, impatient and filled with such high expectations for their colleges and themselves, unused to just “hanging in there” and letting time work its magic, that the challenge of starting over in a new place, where he or she is just another fresh face, must often feel just overwhelming. I know my D has been taken aback by how relatively easy it’s been for her to meet people to “hang out with”, but how, so far, none is a “best” friend. She’s learning, at l8, that becoming close friends with another is usually (for an adult) a process that gradually unwinds over time and with effort and attention. Not at all what becoming best friends meant in junior, or even, senior high.</p>
<p>Finally, another common denominator in all of this is how different the student’s new environment is from her home. As a number of you guessed, my D is on the west coast (far from her midwestern home), at a large university, in a lovely city but one possessing different weather, seasons, trees, temperatures, etc.–as she said one day, “they have some wierd insects out here, Mom”! Having attended a large university myself, I tried hard to prepare her for how tricky it can be find one’s “niche” (and how great the opportunities are once one does) and how bewildering it is until you do, but no amount of talk helps all that much when it comes to finding oneself one of 20,000 or so undergrads! </p>
<p>Reading over what I’ve written here (and if you made it this far, thanks for the effort!), I’m struck by what a number of people have mentioned, and that is that kids entering college get a crash course in a pile of important life lessons–no wonder the way is often rocky-- and, as one reply said, isn’t it nice that college students get one last chance to tackle these hurdles while the stakes are still relatively low. Now, if I can just help my kid foster that attitude… </p>
<p>cam l.</p>
<p>My D has always been very self confident and independent. Since the age of 15, she travelled alone to NYC taking trains, subways and walking in the city. She was out of State 4 summers at 3 different camps. The first couple weeks of the first camp experience, she had a rough time. Otherwise she has always done well at making new friends and adapting to new environments. She is now a freshman at her dream college. She loves the school and seems to be doing reasonably well at making friends and adapting. Even so, she is clearly under a lot of stress. She may not be homesick, but she calls almost daily and in fact often finds an excuse to call more than once. She has plenty of minor complaints: nothing to do, bad food, unfriendly floormates, etc. After almost 3 months, she is still adapting. I think it is clear that adapting to college life can be very stressful and it can take a long time before the kids feel comfortable in their new environment. My D has never been a complainer, but I guess as parents we are the recipients of her stress. We listen, offer support, but we don’t pay much attention to the details. I think all we can really do is offer our encouragement.</p>
<p>CAM LAVENDER - I think what you wrote above hits the nail right on the head very nicely - perfectly acutally. For any of us - students and adults - going to a new place and settling in is pretty much one of the most difficult things we will ever do - and to meet all the expectations that we put upon ourselves.</p>
<p>My DD also goes to a fairly large univ - far from home as well - and seemd to be on a different planet when she first arrived - her first year was difficult - very stressful for her - and for us too - she was trying to hide those feelings of insecurity and home-sickness for a long time. We knew it was there - even if she didn’t want us to know (roomies mom was our secret connection lol). When she returned to school for her second semester - she got involved in something that is very important to her - and that helped things to change around for her. Her first visit home after first semester was - in many ways - a reality check for her tho - she left to go back to school with a different focus and reality as well. </p>
<p>After her 1st year away - and with a not so hot roomy experience to boot - she went back to school a different person - she knew that the ‘friends’ she had made during her first year were no longer going to be an option for her - as she had changed direction and wanted more when it came to ‘‘real’’ relationships - and she finally figured out how to make that happen. Her second year at school was much more successful - and the adjustment just started to happen for her. She found a few niches that put her in a ‘comfort zone’ (which was somewhat missing her first year) - had matured a bit and was finally able to settle in and to enjoy what was there for her. Now she is in her third year - and is ‘very’ settled in - very confident and self assured - has grown in ways we never would have expected.</p>
<p>I am sure your DD knows many others in the same boat as she is - if that is any comfort her. These kids do get trial by fire thrown at them - sooooo much - sooooo fast - enough to make ones head spin - even us adults. As time goes by tho - we/they do figure some of this out and how to make the needed adjustments to ‘settle in’ - tho for some - it takes a bit longer. This adult world of ours is a bit scary at times and these kids are often thrown into the mix before they think they are ready. </p>
<p>When she gets home - she will find that secure world that she left is still there - hasn’t moved anywhere - and she will also see her peers enjoying the same - they will share their experiences and some may find some strength in that - and when it is time to leave again - they will leave knowing that their new experiences are part of the growing process. You have given her the tools she needs to accomplish what she needs to do - and the roadmap on how to get there as well.</p>
<p>All new experiences take time to foster that comfort level we all want to achieve - let her know that what she feels is perfectly normal and that life will get better for her over time. You have done your job well - just a few added pieces need to be completed at this point - and they will happen - for her and for you as well. The day she flies on her own completely - will be a huge adjustment for you - as she becomes more self assured and independant of you. That is what is happening to us now - and I wish in some ways that I could stop time. I wish I could - in some way - stop the process - but the reality is that our DD is becoming the adult we have worked so hard to creat - and yours will reach that point as well.</p>
<p>The biggest growth factor this year - she has stopped all the complaining - for the most part - which is music to our ears these days.</p>
<p>“These kids do get trial by fire thrown at them.”</p>
<p>As long as we are picking analogies, let me add mine: it takes a big hammer to forge steel.</p>
<p>All of this stress and anxiety is just a part of growing up and college is a great, protected environment to do this in.</p>
<p>Picking up on EDad’s notion, and not meaning to discount the problems of transition at all, most colleges are at least semi-safe semi-secure environments for learning, growing, and making the transition to the “adult” world. Yes, the world is playing with live ammunition now and there are real consequences to screw-ups and there is real pain when our offspring stub their figurative toes but better college than some other environments for transition.</p>
<p>I do wonder at some of the trade-offs between universities and LAC’s. All my biases had been in favor of universities–I’m a UC grad and TheMom has worked at UCLA for more than a quarter of a century–but D is at an LAC and I’m constantly impressed, particularly by the quality of the advising. Some of the social pitfalls, e.g., roommates, can be as randomly not good as elsewhere but a lot of it [the social stuff] seems better designed compared to Big U.</p>
<p>Having read parts of this thread and several others over the past few years, I do think alcohol is a major problem: for those who are leading alcohol-centered lives on campus, what kind of opportunities are they squandering? For those who are isolated in such an environment, particularly if they are not extroverts who will thrive even when not “participating”, it can be very sad, angst filled, and lonely.</p>
<p>TheDad, you’re on to something here. H and I also graduated from one of the smaller UCs, and never cease to be amazed at the different experience our son is having. I think that H and I had to figure things out for ourselves to a much larger extent, and I only remember working with an advisor when it was time to make sure I had met the requirements for graduation. S1 seems to have much greater access to advisors on several levels, and his living situation is certainly cushy. While I am thrilled that he’s so happy and comfortable, it does still seem to be something of a bubble. It’s only been 1 quarter, so we’ll see what other differences emerge over time. But where I used to be a strong advocate for the large research university for a science major, I know see the benefits of an LAC approach.</p>
<p>SJMom, science research is one area where I’m still inclined to give the nod to universities for facilities and depth of program but even that has become less clearcut to me. I had the same experience with UC counseling. <cough!> And, in fact, in another lifetime, I was a counselor in the School of Engineering at UCLA. My advice was, “Don’t let this happen to you.”</cough!></p>
<p>While D says the LAC advising is more hands off during her second year, I was impressed by some very thoughtful, nuanced suggestions she received for her second-semester schedule in light of being “Away” for her junior year (two different one-semester programs). They included taking a Math class that she hasn’t had the prerequisite for, with the understanding that she crack the book on the subject during J-term, and leaving a hole in the schedule in case the going is too tough and she has to drop back into the pre-requisite. They suggested trying to skip the pre-req because they thought she’d be bored in it, based on how she’s doing in another class for which the same class was a pre-req. Originally, she was going to take them in reverse order, which they approved. Now they’re saying, “If you can get the material on your own, why bother?”</p>