D reports she's miserable at college

Parent Cafe
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<p>my d is a first semester freshman at a large, and demanding, university–one that she wanted badly to attend. she is, however, reporting that she is unhappy, “not making friends”, wants badly to feel she “belongs”, crying often, and generally not “feeling at home”. she’s been feeling this way for about 4-6 weeks. </p>

<p>despite this, she is studying hard, doing well academically, working out at a campus gym, taking yoga, meeting many other kids, has joined more than one extra- curricular group, and has headed into the nearby city several times for entertainment. in other words, she seems to be functioning well (wish i had her energy!). at our suggestion, she has talked to a counselor on campus about her ‘homesickness’ once or twice, and that made her feel a bit better, but didn’t, of course, make her lonely feelings go away.</p>

<p>her dad and i are worried, of course, and running out of things to say to her during teary phone calls. our recollections of our own college “daze” was that it took both of us some time to feel really at home at college. many of the kids of our friends/relatives report they did not fully adjust to school until well into the first year, if not at the end of it. </p>

<p>i’m wondering how we can best support our d until she is happier and feeling more comfortable and–just as important!–how we can deal with our own feelings of worry/anxiety/concern that inevitably arise when she calls and sounds so unhappy. i know many other parents are dealing with/have dealt with the same issues–any suggestions?</p>

<p>thanks,
cam l.</p>

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<p>Do you think it’s “close”, “deep” friendships she is missing? It sounds like she has acquaintances (ie, through the EC’s) and maybe even new friends to go into the city with… or is she taking those trips into the city solo?</p>

<p>I do know that when we moved cross-country many years ago, I was surprised at how long it took to even begin to replicate the close bonds of friendship I had left behind. I wasn’t prepared for that and, even with the wisdom of adulthood, expected much quicker replacement of friendships. If this is her case, maybe understanding that it does take time will help.</p>

<p>I know this is just a drop in the ocean of your and her concerns, but it’s a start until others chime in.</p>

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<p>cam,
so sorry to hear about the loneliness your D is feeling. although, it sounds like she is making connections with other students, involved, and has a social life. does she provide hints as to what the alternative would be? or, is she just missing home (mom & dad)?</p>

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<p>We were concerened about that too, but fortunately S is very happy. Here is how we had prepared him/us:</p>

<p>(1) We take semester at a time - for whatever reason if things don’t work out, we can always get a transfer.</p>

<p>(2) Call often, if finances permit more visits by you or your child.</p>

<p>(3) I write him e-mails every day. Nothing special, just some mumbo jumbo on the subject line.</p>

<p>(4) Send food stuff.</p>

<p>(5) Encourage her friends to stay in touch.</p>

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<p>How far away is she? When does she come home next? Also I support archermom’s question - is there something at school she isn’t getting or would she feel this way anywhere because she just misses home ( mom, dad, any siblings, own bed, etc.)</p>

<p>I have to say I would be worried too. Does your daughter usually cry a lot? Can you go visit her? You ask how to deal with your concern. Ask her if she wants to come home. Does she want you to come out? In any time my D has spent away, we had plenty of homesickness but whenever I asked her if she wanted to come home she said no. So I always figured she was OK.</p>

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<p>Cam L. I agree with Simba’s advice above – also, there were other threads which discussed the difficulty of adjusting to freshman life that you might like to check out. I’m sure it’s very hard to listen to how unhappy she is, but I also think it’s probably more common than you might think. Do you think she saves up all her sad thoughts for you? I’m thinking of the toddler who doesn’t cry when hurt, until he or she sees that Mom is watching! It does sound like she’s actually adjusting pretty well – I think that when one is doing the right activities (exercising, ECs etc) everything else eventually falls into place. I think she just needs time, and someone to listen to her fears and concerns.</p>

<p>Sometimes, I think kids just build up this huge fantasy of what college will be like, and are disappointed when their mental image doesn’t mesh with reality. But that’s part of life, and the ability to adapt to new circumstances is an important life skill. Like Jmmom, I’ve been through major moves as an adult, and it is always difficult for some period of time. I usually say that it takes a year to feel comfortable with the new surroundings, and 3 years to really feel like it’s home. So maybe you could talk to her about appropriate expectations. College isn’t really intended to be Disneyland – she’s there to go to classes that are too far away to attend as a day student. It’s not something that lasts forever, and I also don’t think it’s supposed to be just fun and games. </p>

<p>I was concerned about how our son would adapt, since he’s always been on the quiet side, and I talked to him a lot over the summer about what to expect. I emphasized that he would probably feel out of place and a little lonely at first, but over time it would improve. He did end up in a great dorm and is more social than I ever expected, but I fully understand that it could have gone the other way. If he had not settled in so well socially, I think I would have focused on the purpose he’s there – to learn. It’s his job in life right now. Like Simba, I would have stayed in close contact to make sure he felt like he had some familiarily in his life. I think your daughter just needs time, but it’s always a good idea to stay as connected as possible to help her through this. Good luck!!!</p>

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<p>On the plus side she apparently hasn’t mentioned transfer, so maybe it isn’t as bad as she might have you believe. I’m sure she’s aware that’s an option, if she wants out she’ll let you know.</p>

<p>Primarily she needs you to listen. Kids have a way of complaining to us (that’s what we’re there for) so all that worrying gets transferred to us. Next time you talk to them they don’t even remember what the original problem was.</p>

<p>Does she cry like this every time you talk to her?</p>

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<p>My best friend had a daughter who called her, in tears, every other night–through the child’s enitre freshman year. Every day was a drama.</p>

<p>Sophomore year, she settled a bit and even decided to to Europe for a summer abroad program. Once in Europe, however, she called every few nights and talked to her parents for HOURS–about all the drama. There were more than a few tears.</p>

<p>Junior year was fine. She went to Europe again and only called once a week. </p>

<p>She graduated and got a great job travelling to the biggest cities in the US as an analyst. </p>

<p>She is now in her third year of grad school, in the top 25% of the class–with a couple of fantastic job offers waiting for her. Firms are bidding against each other to hire her!</p>

<p>Some people need a bit more handholding than others. Don’t get too anxious about it --especially as she is giving all indications, in fact, of settling very well.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>Did your D have an amaxing HS experience?</p>

<p>My D is a freshman at a “large, and demanding, university–one that she wanted badly to attend.” She has a good campus job, with good hours and nice people and decent $.</p>

<p>She has not the ideal roommate experience, as in not friends, but polite & clean and no horror stories.</p>

<p>Classes are fine, grades are fine.</p>

<p>But, nothing is exciting, nothing has sparkle and she misses her old deep, true friends, who are now all over the world.</p>

<p>D is in some extra-curriculars, for a natural group of new friends, and she is very good at the EC for self-esteem :)</p>

<p>Near a fun & beautiful city.</p>

<p>How could it not be awesome???</p>

<p>We have not really had the tearful calls, but there have been many philosophical calls. She misses her close buddies and hates that it will take so long to make new people close.</p>

<p>We have recommended rushing a sorority in the spring to make the big campus smaller and are simply encouraging her to get through this “character building” time. It is tough to hear them not ecstatic, but remember how nice it is that she turns to you and shares with you. Knowing you understand helps her through the days.</p>

<p>We have also apprached the calls with the advice that she can transfer if she decides, but she has to finish what she began in terms of the current classes and, prefereably, the current year.</p>

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<p>I am not a pyschologist - so this is just my opinion…I remember in my 1st year of college I also had similar feelings (I was out of state at UVa, so I didn’t really know anyone when I first came) - not to the extent of crying - but probably because it is socially unacceptable for guys to cry. So I don’t think you should be too worried - these feelings usually go away with time.</p>

<p>However, one thing that would worry me is if your daughter was very social in HS. A person who is quiet in HS will most likely be quiet in college. However, a social person in HS who is not social in college is very odd. Some kids don’t make that adjustment well and that’s when a transfer, etc. is appropriate. 4-6 weeks is a little odd - I’ve been in summer programs where I made friends usually within the first 1-2 weeks - but nothing unusual. I think if after this semester, she still feels that way, she should try to transfer.</p>

<p>Try transferring to a University either close to home or where most of her high school friends went to. Which University is she at?</p>

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<p>virginaAlum: I am confused. Earlier you wrote,"Actually mootmom,</p>

<p>I am an 80 year old woman who wanted to wait awhile till I had kids - no need to rush things."</p>

<p>Now you say,“I also had similar feelings (I was out of state at UVa, so I didn’t really know anyone when I first came) - not to the extent of crying - but probably because it is socially unacceptable for GUYS to cry.”</p>

<p>???</p>

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<p>I think you didn’t read the two posts by me and mootmom, before the post you cite. Clearly, you would see I was joking about the whole 80 year old thing.</p>

<p>If I was 80, I would be pretty impressed with myself that I was so comfortable with computers, etc at that age.</p>

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<p>I’d consider focusing upon the pattern to the sadness… When is it worse (going alone to dining hall, weekend nights, talking to friends on-line, etc) when is it not so bad (exercising, in class, out shopping). This line of inquiry may help her recognize that the sadness may not be as pervasive as it sometimes seems. It may also help her to focus upon/consider solutions for the down times,</p>

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<p>When my D went to summer camp, she complained about it a few weeks in, then insisted on going back for seven summers. When she went to boarding school, it was awful for the first few months. When she went to college, she was all set to transfer for the first few months. I fully expect that she will be unhappy and uncomfortable when she gets her first job. She just doesn’t make transitions very well. </p>

<p>Years ago, colleges discouraged parents from visiting or writing much until parents weekend–usually late Oct, early Nov–so that their kids could make the adjustment on their own. Sometimes I think that all the easy, cheap communication really makes it too easy for kids to use home and parents as a crutch; they call whenever they’re blue, and so parents hear all that. The traditional Sunday morning call home wasn’t like that, because by Sunday you’re rested and relaxed, not totally stressed… </p>

<p>None of this may be true for cam lavandar’s D (we don’t know her at all, this is the first post ever)… but I would ask the question: is she really that bad off, or is she calling only when she’s feeling lonely and stressed?</p>

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<p>Mine calls a lot and isn’t the happiest. But I find that when she is busy she doesn’t call and when she is stressed she calls more. She doesn’t cry but she also feels like she has people she likes but hasn’t meet people who seem like she would develop close friendships with. I also give advice and sometimes just listen.
I have also at times taken to just not answering the cell phone when she calls. I am not meaning to be harsh to her but I think she calls too often. And it lets her get it off her chest but then I am the one who spends the rest of the day worried.
I have heard so many stories about kids who are lonely and unhappy fall of freshman year and end up loving their school. It doesn’t stop the worry but it gives me hope.</p>

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<p>As I read this thread, I am reminded of the old saw: “Be careful what you wish for.” I’ve been wishing that S would call more often, instead of my always being the one who does. But it sounds as if there are kids who call far too often, and usually, to complain.
For what it’s worth, I was pretty unhappy the first couple of months of college. But the dorm had only one payphone and international calls were out of the question. Letters took too long to reach home for me to waste time about complaints which I knew my parents could do nothing about and would anyway be forgotten by the time they received the letters. By the end of the semester, I was fine.</p>

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<p>Marite–I agree. I guess I prefer S’s snarky one line e-mails to having to worry about a seriously unhappy kid. Because it would be difficult to know what to do/how to help.</p>

<p>The shock of a different environment can hit some pretty hard. I remember it too. And I remember my H’s sister calling home and crying years ago, and how worried her parents were because she wasn’t a crying type at all. She got over it, but it took a few months. Do you think that when the kids call home they feel more homesick, and possibly it isn’t as bad when they are immersed in their studies/college activities? I hope that’s the case.</p>

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<p>mstee:</p>

<p>I don’t know whether calling home makes the kids more homesick, but it sure makes the parents more worried! In retrospect, I’m glad I did not have that option when I was in college. It would have worried my parents to death, and they would have been powerless to do anything about it.</p>

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<p>Moving to another location and settling in - is one of life’s biggest stressors - and what this kiddo is feeling is fairly common - after have a wonderful high school career. She is experiencing many normal adjustments of a landing in a new situation and living situation. She is also doing doing all the right things - the job - the EC’s - the involvement - they WILL make a difference - down the line - but for now it is difficult for her to see down the line. It is also difficult for MOM to get those phone calls as well.</p>

<p>It is not unusual for kids to actually return 2nd semester with a new appreciation of their situation - and things tend to fall into place - but it does take time for anything new to become comfortable.</p>

<p>She is letting you know where she is at right now - but next week it may change. Let her know that what she is feeling is non unusual - let her know it will get better - let her know it is ok to go back to the counselor also - especially if it makes her feel a bit better. Let her know she is OK. Alot of kids really have difficulty at first - especially if they had that great social situation in high school - and maybe now they have become that small fish in a big pond type of thing - huge adjustment.</p>

<p>It will get better - she is doing all the right things - things are going to start to click for her. Hang in there as well MOM.</p>

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<p>cam lavender,
I’m so sorry to hear about your D. I do think that it takes a long time to re-acquire those close bonds our kids had with their high school friends. She’s missing them, but in the meantime has only aquaintaince level friendships. Not quite a replacement. I do think that some children “save up” their sad tales and drama for the calls home and that it doesn’t mean life is as bad as it sounds. My 15-year-old D is like this a little bit. A couple weekends ago she was at a church retreat with her two best friends in the whole world. We got one text from her that said “I’m sad and want to go home :(” and one phone call two days later that was complaints and a guilt trip for us. Yet when we picked her up, she was laughing and joking and had made a bunch of new friends and told everyone she wants to come back and work at the next retreat and wants to go to the reunion this weekend, etc… H and I were relieved at first and then sort of ticked because we had worried off and on throughout our romantic getaway weekend (the first in a looong time) that D was horribly unhappy. She wasn’t. So, take some of this drama with a grain of salt and encourage your D to hang in there because things will get better. In all likelihood they really will.</p>