<p>D is away at a national competition and she lost in her final, her only chance to get a medal. :(</p>
<p>I was never an athlete and this is her first big competition so I don’t know how best to comfort her.</p>
<p>Any words of advice?</p>
<p>You know your kid best but here is my experience. My s competed in a martial arts tournament a few years ago. All of his teachers and fellow students expected him to win a trophy. The younger students from our school won trophies taller than they were. S didn’t win. As we left the building after his last of 4 events, he said that he was quitting. As we walked across the parking lot, he said he wasn’t quitting martial arts, but he wouldn’t compete, he would just do it for exercise. As we sat at our favorite Chinese restaurant, he strategized how he could change his training to get better results. I think he entered 3 more tournaments with similar results. When it came time for our international tournament in Orlando, we planned a trip to Disney as a consolation prize. He came home with two medals, gold and silver.<br>
I am not an athlete or a coach but I let him work through his feelings. I think at some point after he had allowed himself to feel sad about his results, I might have mentioned that Michael Jordan had been cut from his high school basketball team early in his career. Let her feel sad about losing but at the right time, point out what a valuable experience she had and how much she did accomplish just by competing.</p>
<p>So how old was your son at the first martial arts tournament you mentioned?</p>
<p>Ouch. Our chldren’s pain is always worse to endure than our own I think. But I agree that there is nothing to do but stay mindfully with her in the experience, see where she takes it, and lend your own perspective at some point. </p>
<p>We usually learn more from our losses than our wins. Kids who are never disappointed don’t grow up to be mentally healthy/happy adults. Learning to grieve and move on is a key life skill. So just see what she does with it and learns from it.</p>
<p>Overtime I guess I’ve found that genuine sympathy, the offer of comfort food, and an attitude that loss happens and life is bigger than that (also our love is bigger than loss) seems to cover the bases.) Some kids need a period of being irrationally angry at self, others, etc., but if that isn’t reinforced is usually passes quickly.</p>
<p>So how old was your son at the first martial arts tournament you mentioned? </p>
<p>Counting back, I didn’t realize how young he was when that happened. I can remember sitting at dinner and listening to him calmly discussing his plans like it was just last week. He won his “world championship” medals 6 years ago when he was in 7th grade. The local tournaments would have been 5th and 6th grades. I know one of the toughest things for him was not meeting everyone’s expectations. He was one of the best at our school in his age group and it was hard for him to face the reactions of people who thought he would win. I hated to see his disappointment. Looking back, I realize what a valuable lesson he learned from losing</p>
<p>Be supportive and sympathetic. Maybe gently point out that getting defeated is part of the reality of the sport, that all athletes, even world record holders and Olympic gold medalists, lose from time to time.</p>
<p>Maybe quote the Greek philosopher Epictetus who in the first century wrote about the reality of losing after all that hard training:</p>
<p>‘You say, “I want to win at Olympia.” …If you do, you will have to obey instructions, eat according to regulations, keep away from desserts, exercise on a fixed schedule at definite hours, in both heat and cold; …You must hand yourself over to your coach exactly as you would to a doctor. Then in the contest itself you must gouge and be gouged, there will be times when you will sprain a wrist, turn your ankle, swallow mouthfuls of sand, and be flogged. And after all that there are times when you lose.’</p>
<p>Lots of good wisdom in this thread.</p>
<p>I absolutely agree with the sympathetic ear. Be sure to tell her how incredibly proud you are of her for running the race. </p>
<p>I’m not an athlete and neither is my son but this is a quote we really like in our family, it’s from a speech by Theodore Roosevelt;</p>
<p>
[The</a> Man in the Arena - April 23, 1910 - Theodore Roosevelt Speeches- Roosevelt Almanac](<a href=“http://www.theodore-roosevelt.com/trsorbonnespeech.html]The”>http://www.theodore-roosevelt.com/trsorbonnespeech.html)</p>
<p>We would never had forced our son to apply to any college but when he was wavering about applying somewhere because the odds were so high that he’d be rejected, we encouraged him to do it. We told him, as we have told him through out his life, that we do not want his life to be “cold and timid.” He knows that our pride in him is in no way tied to results but is completely tied to the effort. I know that’s how all parents feel, I think that our kids cannot hear it enough. </p>
<p>Of course, the time is not right to review that beyond telling her your proud, but be sure to have on-going conversations about your own defeats, your own failures and let her know that it’s the trying and being gracious in competition that are the most important parts.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone!</p>
<p>The quotes are especially great. My d took philosophy last year, so she would appreciate the Epictetus, and would also like the Roosevelt.</p>
<p>My experience is that the trick is to find the right moment to pass these things on!</p>
<p>I do think that one of the mistakes I made in life was not to try things because of the risk of failure. My d wanted to win so much and that puts a person in a very vulnerable position.</p>
<p>She seemed to be doing better yesterday later in the day - she texted that the coach had told her she should check out a specific university for her sport (she will be a HS senior in the fall) and as he is VERY busy this week I’m sure it meant something that he spoke with her.</p>
<p>That’s a tough one. (been there) Worst was when WildChild was WINNING the mile at a large meet called “Easterns” at the end of his junior year in high school. With about 200 meters to go, he basically stepped aside and jogged in. We had traveled all the way from TX to NY for this meet (he was in boarding school in NJ at the time). He had a horrible asthma attack and could hardly breathe. He was so disappointed. His coach was there, fortunately. Dealing with the medical issue took some immediate focus off the fact that the race was trashed, but still… Advice I heard years ago from a parent with older kids (who actually was told this by the sibling of their own athlete) was to not say much. There isn’t a whole lot you can say. Just acknowledge their feelings and let time pass.</p>
<p>A couple thoughts … </p>
<p>In the first post you mentioned your child lost the race … against national competition. But how was their time? Was this one of their best times? Did they give it their best shot? To me ultimately winning and losing is not the best measure but how well I (or my team) competed … in my all my PRs on a track were in races I lost so it is tough to say I did horribly if I ran faster than I ever had before. This result may lead to a conversation about performing one’s best and separating that from the competitors. (PS - if your child is a distance runner a little research into Steve Prefontaine may be helpful … he was driven to do his absolute best … winning while running pooly did not pass his grade, for example.)</p>
<p>Second, for very talented athletes competing in the “deep end” is a challenge … if someone is used to always winning and typically dominating when they move to a higher level of competition it can be a tough adjustmet … and some thinking about why I am into this sport may be in order. There are over 1000 all-state milers for one sex in the US each year … and only a handful are in the hunt to win national titles … if one’s goal is to always win sports is a tough road to take … reaching their potential is a healthier goal (IMO) and somewhat ironically leads to more winning (in my experience)</p>
<p>3togo, my d said she was especially disappointed because the race was theirs to lose - they were very strong contenders, had a poor race, and lost.</p>
<p>I believe their time in the semi-final was better but I am trying not to be obsessed and have not looked it up.</p>
<p>Also learned that I should have taken the advice about not saying much. I sent text messages with the quotes provided above and received the response - “please stop sending quotes about failure, it’s not helpful” – which shows how what we hear is colored by how we are feeling at the time.</p>
<p>Although I am glad that I sent them - as her mother I guess I still feel especially the Roosevelt quote is something she should consider.</p>
<p>She made the finals in a national competition? Wow! You must be so very proud.</p>
<p>If, indeed the race was theirs to lose, and they lost it, it means another team won, a team that had trained and worked for it, possibly every bit as much as they did. Yes, it’s disappointing–but to compete at that level is always a challenge. </p>
<p>Give your daughter time to heal.</p>