<p>Honestly, I disagree with her decision to say no, so I’m giving it one last try in the most tactful way possible.</p>
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<p>Uh… OK. </p>
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<p>When your D is 20 you don’t “let” her do anything. You don’t have that kind of control over an adult.</p>
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<p>Lol. The number of parents who try to “control” their adult children is what is astounding. My parents gave up “control” over me (ie let me vacation with my bf’s family) when I was 15. It’s a hilarious thought to ever ask my parents’ permission to do anything when I’m a legal adult.</p>
<p>What she does away at school, and I dont know about is her business</p>
<p>If that’s how you feel, why wouldn’t that logic also apply to a vacation like this??</p>
<p>OP, would your mother have to pay anything for this trip? If not, how is it that she can not “allow” you to go?</p>
<p>I agree somewhat with you hard worker.( I didn’t get to read your most recent post about you being the D) At age 20, I would have also given my input as to my D’s vacation plans and whereabouts. If she is not fully self-supporting you have the right to give your opinions. This is also about respect and I don’t consider it as asking for permission. Since it is only for a week, the summer employment would not concern me too much if your D has access to a phone and let them know when she is available for interview.
I wouldn’t feel the obligation to reciprocate offering a similar vacation for the BF, but advise your D to offer to pay for her meals and incidentals.</p>
<p>No she would not. However, I typically try to respect my mother because I appreciate everything she provides for me, and i typically abide by her rules. To leave without her permission would cause a strain on our relationship (my mother and mine, as well as my boyfriends and mother’s) and also it would ruin the trip to know what repercussions I might face at home if I was to leave on the trip.</p>
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<p>Well, considering your “mother” hasn’t bothered to get to know him in the year “you’ve” been dating… I’m not sure if there’s much of a relationship to strain.</p>
<p>Okay, since you all know I’m D, if you were my mother what would make you more likely to say yes to me going?</p>
<p>I dont know how to multi-quote on this forum to respond to previous posters responses.</p>
<p>To each his own, but I dont prescribe to the theory that oh you are 18, you are grown, do what you want. To each his own. Its funny, this is a forum, and a question was asked, we are ALL entitled to our own opinions without the personal attacks and snarky comments. Its not a thought in our house that you go and come as you please just because you are 18. Its called common courtesy. You are also not staying out all night, I am not running a hotel. I am not naive to think kids wont do things, however, I am not giving it my blessing or contributing to it. My daughters cant date until they are 16, they were told early on. My son still has chores when he comes home from college, and no he cannot tell me what he will and wont do. We have sacrificed, and gone above and beyond so that his needs are met. The few things, and I do mean few, that I ask him to do, should be complied with., because they are not unreasonable. When the rules should be stretched such as staying out after prom, and things of that nature, sure I am very agreeable. If you let your kid do everything when they are 12, or when they are 15, they have nothing to look forward to. As long as you live in this house, there are certain rules, when you can pay your tuition, and rent, etc, then please feel free you can go and come as you please, and do what you want. Reading posts on this forum would make one believe that college kids dont have rules, but I know a lot of parents who still have some say so over their college aged children.</p>
<p>So the question would be, when does the OP get to be treated like an adult by her mother. By all accounts she’s trying to be very respectful to her mother’s concerns. The mother of her bf reached out to her and assured her the daughter would have her own room (this is well beyond what most people would expect or do for adults age 20). I don’t see anything selfish on the OPs side. I see the mother as being selfish by putting overly restrictive ideals on her ADULT daughter. The mother can continue on this path if she wishes but it will strain their relationship.</p>
<p>I was raised in a stricter home than probably 99.9% of the population. I couldn’t dance, cut my hair, swim if boys were around, wear shorts, etc., etc., etc. I was expected to attend church three times a week. But my parents let me fly up to Boston to see my boyfriend my sophomore and junior years in college, and one year I even stayed on his dorm hall.</p>
<p>From my experience, I can tell you that not allowing her to go will make her resentful and cut off communication in the future. She’s already formed her moral compass. It may or may not line up with yours, but it’s too late to change now.</p>
<p>Okay that being said, I completely understand having to live under rules and contribute my fair share of work. I do my chores as asked, whatever they may be and I follow any rule my parent sets out for me, such as my curfew being 11 pm, although I do not agree with it (my brothers do not have curfews) I try to be respectful and not cause any more stress for my mother than she already has. I pick my battles, the little things aren’t worth it. I realize I cannot support myself, and I am grateful that she can. She doesn’t let her children run wild, she is a wonderful mother.</p>
<p>That being said, I am not a bad kid either. I try to make her happy. However, I am asking for a bit of consideration to things that are important to me, such as taking this trip. So parents, what are your opinions or what would you suggest to maybe change her mind?</p>
<p>I have stated that I agree with your mom. If what you say is true, it sounds like part of the problem may be that she just doesnt know your boyfriend or his family, and I dont think there is anything that will make her comfortable in a matter of weeks. It probably wouldve helped that you asked your mom to try to get to know your bf before now. Having said that, even I would let my 20 yr old have a later curfew than 11pm. My kids are great kids, follow rules, do well in school, appreciative, etc, but my answer would still be no, even if I really liked their bf/gf. You sound like a nice girl, good luck with your mom.</p>
<p>What are the cosequences? </p>
<p>Last summer, when my d1 asked for permission to do something she that she knew I didn’t approve of, I did not it to give her. SHe chose to do it anyway, knowing that it made me “disappointed” in her choice. Aside from my disappointment, however, there were no consequences. And much as she hates it when I am disappointed in her, she decided to live with it.</p>
<p>If you can live with the consequences, go. If consequences are too big to live with (she cuts off your tuition, for example), stay home. </p>
<p>Personally, I’ve found that kind of heavy-handed stuff backfires. I want my kids to visit me in their post-college life, so I’m not going to threaten to pull tuition or anything. Some parents, however, make other choices.</p>
<p>The funny thing is I didn’t have this curfew in high school or even freshman year of college. It’s new as of this summer…</p>
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<p>Since the OP is apparently the daughter pretending to be the mother, the above remarks are shown in a new light.</p>
<p>I wonder if the daughter resents the mother for the above thoughts and acts, or whether daughter is simply portraying the mother as unreasonable or uncaring. ???</p>
<p>did something happen between you two? That seems strange that she doesnt want to know your bf, and you went from no curfew to a very early curfew? Something is not adding up, imo</p>
<p>Actually I was portraying my mother in a more sympathetic light. She doesn’t come out of her room when he is over, and no she isn’t usually working.</p>
<p>That being said the reason why they don’t have a relationship is because I didn’t bring him home for so long because of the judgmental comments that might be made without due cause as well as she doesn’t come out of her room to be friendly for even 5 minutes.</p>
<p>I actually have no idea why I have a curfew all of a sudden. If anything I’ve been more responsible this year than last.</p>
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<p>The OP seems to think it’s unreasonable for her mother to say “no” to her very reasonable wishes at 20. It seems as though the majority of people on here agree.</p>