<p>D was invited on her boyfriend’s family vacation. They have been dating for a year now, but I only met him once, partially because D didn’t want to bring him around partially because I do not make an effort to get to know him when he is over at the house. They are both 20 and she’s a junior in college and he is a freshman in college (he had to scrape up the money and mature some according to him). They don’t smoke or drink or get in trouble. I haven’t met his family but the mother has reached out to try to make me more willing to let D go with them to North Carolina for the week. They are renting a house down there with another family they are friends with. The mother is giving D a separate room and having the boyfriend sleep in a game room that is disconnected from the house. I don’t feel comfortable letting D go, I feel it is improper and indecent of a girl to travel with a boy’s family. What do you think? Am I being unreasonable saying no?</p>
<p>Time to let your daughter grow up. She is 20 years old!</p>
<p>My parents were super-strict back in the day, and even they let me go on a long weekend to meet my bf’s parents when I was 20. Let her go.</p>
<p>I’d let her go, and I’d also make an effort to get to know her boyfriend.</p>
<p>In my experience with 5 Ds, what is unreasonable (to me) is that your D, at age 20, needs your permission. She’s a junior in college and should be able to make these decisions on her own. I have to admit that it’s strange that you’ve only met this boyfriend once! and they’ve been dating for a year. </p>
<p>We often took one or more of our Ds’ boyfriends with us on vacation, and I think probably all of my Ds went on vacation at some point with a boyfriend’s family. We found it to be a great experience and, generally speaking, everyone enjoys themselves even more. The more the merrier! </p>
<p>I’m not sure why you think it’s improper or indecent.</p>
<p>Well I’m also concerned the boyfriend’s family will expect me to take him on trip. Our family is not going on vacation this year so we cannot in turn invite him. He’s been over to the house multiple times, I don’t really come out of my work area because I tend to be busy or I don’t want to deal with company.</p>
<p>A strong dose of reality might help you…</p>
<p>A) There’s no reason that this is “indecent.” Unless perhaps you’re referring to underlying fears of them possibly having sex? If so, simply refer to that. </p>
<p>B) She’s 20. She doesn’t need your permission. Plus, she can make her own choices. She’s almost graduated, for christ’s sake. </p>
<p>C) In response to point A: They’ve been dating for a year and she hardly brings him around… They could already be having sex – you wouldn’t know. Now’s not a good time to start worrying about it.</p>
<p>My son (19yo) just went to the beach with a group of friends from college (guys and girls). I know a couple of them. One of the girls parents rented the house for the week and will be there. I didn’t call the parents, have no idea of the sleeping arrangements, don’t care. My son’s been at college for a year, made decisions about where to sleep, etc., and came home in one piece. I trust him to make good decisions. This is coming from a mom who a year ago said “no way in hell” to an after-prom party that was going to be unsupervised and serving alcohol. Our kids grow up, we have to let them do this and trust that they will make smart, safe, wise decisions that we spent 18+ years teaching them to do.</p>
<p>The boys family has reached out to you and assured you she will have her own bedroom. What is it you are afraid of? What do you feel is going to happen that she hasn’t had the opportunity to do while at college? Why is this different?</p>
<p>Frankly, I don’t understand how it’s come to this point. I don’t understand how your daughter could be involved with a young man for a year without your having gotten to know him. I don’t understand how you could “not make an effort to get to know him when he is over at the house” for an entire year. And I don’t understand why you seem unreceptive to his mother’s attempts to reach out to you and to address any anxiety you may have. I understand that you feel somewhat uneasy about the prospect of your daughter’s going away for a week with this young man and his family, but I have to say, I think a lot of your discomfort is your own darn fault!</p>
<p>I also think the terms improper and indecent are highly loaded, judgmental, antiquated, and not suited to the scenario you’ve described. I don’t know that I would apply them even to a week-long getaway for just the two of them, but this is a chaperoned trip, for goodness’ sake.</p>
<p>It’s easy for me to be detached and objective, because we’re not talking about my young-adult daughter. But if you’re concerned they’re going to be having sex, it’s pointless to worry. If they’re going to have sex on this trip with his family, they’re already having it.</p>
<p>(x-posted with…well, just about everybody above)</p>
<p>You are being unreasonable and I agree with all the above comments. She should not need your permission and she should graciously accept. You might also send a nice note (or call) thanking his parents for including your daughter. I doubt he has much interest in vacationing with you or your family in return!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I don’t think very many people voluntarily issue invitations in order to receive hospitality in return. Do you? If you can’t reciprocate, you can’t reciprocate. I’m sure that’s not what’s behind the invitation.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Really??? Your daughter brings her boyfriend to your house and you can’t be bothered to come out and be sociable?</p>
<p>Another reason, completely unrelated is she doesn’t have a job yet for the summer. She has applied to at least 20 different places and had some interviews but no job yet. As a good parent shouldn’t I make her stay home to look for jobs instead of go away for a week?</p>
<p>It’s starting to sound like this is more about control than anything else.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>You could make that case, maybe, if she’d been slacking. It doesn’t sound as if she has been.</p>
<p>And you could make that case, maybe, if it seemed likely she’d get a job by forgoing the trip. But if she’s already applied 20 places, and had some interviews, but had no success, her prospects for landing a summer job are getting dimmer all the time.</p>
<p>She is an adult now. The arrangements sound very innocent anyway as they will have separate rooms and his family is present. Wouldn’t you rather let her go with your blessing than have her sneak off to be with him behind your back? (like my BF and I did many years ago…we’re married now, btw :))</p>
<p>LOL… A 20 year old doesn’t need permission.</p>
<p>Wait, are you using your D’s account to ask this??? Your other posts suggest you’re a student, not a parent.</p>
<p>In defense of the OP,</p>
<p>I wouldnt let my daughter go either. What she does away at school, and I dont know about is her business, but when she is home for the summer, there are still rules and regulations. </p>
<p>And just because the mother said there are separate sleeping arrangements, how do you know what type of supervision there will be. Some parents are very hands off, and for all you know they could be sleeping together.</p>
<p>Again, the number of parents that think they relinquish control just because the kids are over 18 is astounding.</p>
<p>Actually, I am D. I am trying to present my mother’s case to other parents to get their thoughts to see if either of us are being unreasonable. She frequents this board a lot and
-if- she was the unreasonable one, then perhaps seeing other parents who have good sense and have raised good kids will change her mind. If the parents said she was right then I would completely respect that too.</p>