“How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!”
My dentist joined the Army because he liked to drill.
I was fired from my job in the frozen orange juice factory because I couldn’t concentrate.
We call these “Uncle Jokes” - some bad joke your uncle would tell you.
I worked in the muffler shop, and was exhausted!
I worked in the bicycle factory, but it left me too tired.
Had to sell the bakery, couldn’t raise the dough.
Lol, I totally screwed up telling #17. It should have read:
A vulture boards an airplane carrying 3 rotting carcasses.
The flight attendant stops him and says, “Sorry, Sir, only 2 carrion items allowed.”
LOL!!! All of these jokes sound like something Mr. B would tell to embarrass his kiddos.
A woman is talking to her OBGYN:
Woman: “Doctor, Doctor! Can I have children”
Doctor: “It’s conceivable”
Woman: “But Doctor I really want to be a mother”
Doctor: “That’s apparent”
Did you hear about the optician that fell into the lens grinder - he made a spectacle of himself.
My brother leaned against a wood sander.
He’s fine now.
Yesterday, I brought a tin of tea, and some fresh cherries for the office break room.
I mentioned that crushing the fruit, and using it as the base of the hot beverage was delicious, but you can’t prepare it in the office.
Everyone know that Cherry-Tea begins at home.
True story
D is graduating this Friday, family is flying in, work is overwhelming, and the weather is not cooperating for all the events we have planned. The only answer is more Dad Jokes.
What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
I saw a wino eating grapes.
I told him, you gotta wait.
What does a pepper do when it’s angry?
It gets jalapeño face!
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”
“That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
I intend to live forever.
So far, so good.
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
An atheist, an Ivy League graduate, and a vegan walk into a bar.
I know because they told me.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent!
Knock Knock.
Who’s There?
To.
To Who?
It’s To Whom.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!! BREATHE!! BREATHEEEEE!!!
@palm715 … you win. I thought I had heard them all, but these are great!
=D> 
I read a book on glue in one sitting!
(I couldn’t put it down)
The book on levitation… kept me up all night.
(While driving past a cemetery) That cemetery is a very popular place.
People are dying to get in there!
My wife’s afraid that I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid.
(But I can stop any time I want)
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
Q: Why don’t lobsters share?
A: They’re shellfish!
Q: What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts!
Q: How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Chance me for Harvard and I’ll chance you back.
I took the shell off my snail thinking that it would make him go faster…
But, he’s even more sluggish than before.
For the Phil 101 students:
Rene Descartes walks into a bar, orders a Long Island Ice Tea. Bartender says, “You want one of those little umbrellas in it?” Descartes says, “I think not,” and disappears.
For the math majors:
- Your house is on fire, and you have a hose and a fire hydrant. How do you put out the fire? Attach the hose to the hydrant and spray water on the fire.
- Your house is on fire, and you have a hose connected to a fire hydrant. How do you put out the fire? Disconnect the hose, reducing the problem to the previously solved Problem 1.
- Your house is not on fire, and you have a hose and a fire hydrant. How do you put out the fire? First, set the house on fire, reducing the problem to the previously solved Problem 1.
And for those taking Symbolic Logic:
A man asks his wife, a professor of logic, “Could you stop on the way home and buy a bottle of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” A short time later the prof comes back with 12 bottles of milk. Her husband asks, “Why the hell did you buy 12 bottles of milk?” She replies, “They had eggs.”