OK, I know that every guy who has a child on CC has caused an eye-roll or two with a joke so bad that he was the only one who thought it was funny. We’re old enough now, (and brave enough!) to expose our bad jokes, puns and riddles to the world.
I think we need a place to gather this wisdom-of-the-ages! Feel free to plagiarize, misquote and steal anything funny.
I’ll start.
Never buy shoes from a drug dealer.
You’ll be tripping all day!
I told my wife that she penciled her eyebrows too high.
-She looked surprised!
I met one of my dad’s fishing buddies at his funeral. He said he will always remember a funny joke from one of their fishing trips. They were having problems catching fish one time. My dad said it might be because of the birds nearby. They began to throw stones at the birds. My dad said, “Let no tern go unstoned.”
Just heard this one from a dad tonight during a lull in conversation at a kids’ sports banquet: “Did you hear about the circus fire?”
(“No. . .”) It was intense! (get it? “in tents”) Groan.
A 16 year old finally gets his license and want to borrow the car. His Dad tells him that he’ll let him use the car when three criteria are met. “First, bring your grades up from a C to a B, second, I’d like you to read your bible more, and finally, get your hair cut it’s too long”. About six weeks go by and the Dad calls his son over and says, “Son, I see your grades have improved and I’ve seen you studying your bible each day, however, you still haven’t gotten your hair cut”. The son looks at his Dad and says “Well dad as I’ve been reading the bible I’ve noticed that Moses had long hair and David had long hair, Sampson had long hair and most believe that even Jesus had long hair”. His Dad without missing a beat says “Did you notice son that they all walked!”
Reminds me of a man talking to his shrink
Man: Sometimes I feel like a teepee and sometimes I feel like a wigwam
Shrink: I’ve got it. You’re too tents!
Man with 15 kids tells his doctor
Man: I love my wife so much but I can’t afford so many kids
Doctorr: Here is a condom. I want you to read the instructions and use it.
Months go buy, man’s wife is pregnant
Man: Doctor, my wife is pregnant again
Doctor: Did you use the condom?
Man: Yes
Doctor: Did you read the instructions?
Man: Well it said to unroll it and put it on my organ. But we don’t have an organ so I put it on the piano.
Westbound wagon train sends scouts up ahead before heading over a pass come across a rabbi sitting under a tree.
Scout: Rabbi, do you know if it’s safe to cross the pass?
Rabbi: Oh no, don’t go there, there is a bacon tree.
Scout: Ok thanks rabii
After conferencing with the group’s elders, they decide that the rabbi is a few cards short of a full deck, and probably doesn’t know that bacon doesn’t grow on trees because he keeps kosher
Well they cross the path and are attacked by natives and suffer heavy losses. The survivors on the way back pass the same rabbi and the scout asks "Rabbi, why didn’t you tell us there were hostile natives on the other side of the pass
Rabbi: I told you not to go because there is a bacon tree
Scout: Rabbi, there is no such thing as a bacon tree, bacon doesn’t grow on trees
The Rabbi looks up and thinks, pulls out his Yiddish-English dictionary, and smacks his head
Rabbi: Oy vey zmeer, I meant a ham bush.
