<p>Yes, if neither of you wants a “family,” that dynamic is out of the picture, but to the extend either of you cares, he will likely be seen as the dominant and ‘father figure’ of the relationship because of the age difference. Regardless of whether you plan to be financially independent, there great difference in ages and experience does affect the dynamic and it will be “assumed” (to the extent it matters to either of you) that he’s the “sugar daddy” and/or corrupting influence, etc., but then again, you probably recognize that already.</p>
<p>I will admit to prejudice based on experience, DD dated a guy who admitted to being over 25, but turned out to be 35 (I met him and had no clue to that) and it was a bad scene; he was extraordinarily manipulative, one thing he definitely learned over his many more years of life experience, so based on that cynic experience, I would just advise you to be cautious and very self-protective and take it very slow</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, I only dated people within a few years of my age when I was a undergrad & grad student. After I had completed all my degrees & working for several years, I started dating (& eventually married) someone 15 years my senior. We have been happily married now for over 20 years, but I really think we’re quite vulnerable and trusting when we’re students and easily manipulated and taken advantage of. </p>
<p>Even now, I have to sometimes remind my dear hubby that I am very capable and run my own non-profit and function extremely well independently. <grin></grin></p>
<p>“I would wonder why women closer in age to him, say w/in 5-8 years of his age, do not want to date him? Is there something they know that you have not yet discovered?”</p>
<p>I have a friend that’s divorced, kids grown, owns his own house and cars free and clear, very good job and income in a nice area, and he’s in great physical shape. He’s spent about 10 years dating and runs into a lot of women with kids in difficult situations, what he calls psycho-women, divorcees looking for a comfortable life. He’s looking for someone with similar interests, unentangled, doesn’t want kids and is a normal person and he says that these people are rare in his age range. It’s very hard for me to imagine someone in their 40s dating someone in their early 20s.</p>
<p>Who has he dated before? There are some men who perpectually date 20 somethings. So when you are no longer a 20 something, he will find someone who is.</p>
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<p>It could be simply that somehow, the opportunity for parenthood somehow passed him by when he was in his 20s and 30s, but that he is still interested in having a family. In that case, dating a younger woman, who is still likely to be able to have children, makes a lot of sense. If two people in their forties date, they may have a splendid and very egalitarian relationship, but they would probably face difficulty in trying to have children.</p>
<p>I think the most interesting and notable thing that’s popped up in this conversation is that the older person is who he always will be, and you are not yet who you always will be. I think that makes a big difference. I have a lot of friends who are much older than I am, and I feel that I am usually the one who is willing to compromise and change my behaviour in small ways so our friendships will work. I also think it’s possible you and he could be great together though. Just be careful if things do start to get serious.</p>
<p>Good point, Physics mom, the older we get, the less interested we are i adapting. A friend of mine married another friend, she was 30 something and he was 40something, but he had never been married and completely and incredibly self-indulgent. All compromising was on her part. My FIL proudly tells every one he cannot change, he is 90, it is up to every one else to change :D</p>
<p>arugula the bear (my daughter) has a nearly inflexable rule about dating someone older. Half a year with proof of age no more. And she is your age.</p>
<p>A good guide: 1/2 age + 7 is the minimum age to date; you can obviously reverse this as well. With a 40 year old guy, you’d be looking at 27 as the bottom age. But that’s just a common sense, useful guide.</p>
<p>Arugula, I haven’t read all the responses. I am sure they are excellent. I’m your age, and gay, and I know gay boys our age who have been in relationships with older men. Large age discrepancies seem to be more common in gay relationships, but that’s just my own experience. Sometimes these relationships are great. You may grow, gain experience, gain perspective, and have a lot of fun. Sometimes these relationships end in a lot of pain and misery and even abuse. It’s great that you are being careful about the power dynamics in your relationship. Keep your eyes open, take it slowly, listen to your gut instincts, and listen to your best friends (and ignore other “friends”). The fact that you are being cautious makes me think that you’ll be OK. I hope you’re getting tested regularly, and please verify his most recent test results.</p>
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<p>Well, do you believe that your daughter is that incapable of providing intellectual discussion? If not, then people would have no reason to look at her like that. Unless you think that being with an older man causes formerly-smart people’s IQs to suddenly drop.</p>
<p>I have just been lurking, but I will say that I think it’s totally impossible to make generalizations.</p>
<p>A friend started dating a professor when she was 18 and he in his thirties. It was not her professor; they met because she posted a sign to give piano lessons. They married, had children, she also got a PhD and became a professor, so her ambition was not dampened in any way. Everyone said she’d be left a widow, but instead, sadly, she contracted early on-set Alzheimer’s and he tenderly looked after her until her death.</p>
<p>I know of other stories where this scenario worked.</p>
<p>However, if you’re asking for advice from strangers on-line perhaps you are not totally comfortable with the situation.</p>
<p>jessiehl - my daughter, like many young adults, is smart, well read and probably very interesting FOR HER AGE. I wouldn’t expect young adults of that age to have lived the kind of life I have lived and able to have the kind of discussion I would find with mature adults. It doesn’t take anything away from them, but life teaches us many things we could never learn from books or TV. It has nothing to do with IQ.</p>
<p>corranged: How did you come up with the 1/2 age plus 7 years formula?</p>
<p>Another thought to this topic: There is a difference between dating for fun and dating for keeps. The point at which things become more serious is when things start to change.</p>
<p>Dating when one lives in dorm involves being surrounded with other students who are generally very young adults. I can’t imagine being a college junior and having my 40-year-old boyfriend hanging out in the dorm on a regular basis. However, sometimes college students become immersed in theatre groups or organizations that involve people of many different ages who become friends. Such a social life could support and absorb a mixed-age relationship. It really depends on the maturity of the individuals involved and their lifestyle. In my experience, people who date those of an older generation are either exceptionally independent, directed, or mature, have an extraordinary level of connection with the older person, or are unwittingly their date’s fling or conquest.</p>
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I’ve heard this one for years. I certainly didn’t come up with it! It works fairly well as a guide, though.</p>
<p>The OP missed a very salient fact when presenting his dilemna- a very different scene for same sex dating. That information changes things. I’ll let the guys take over on the power and other issues. No worries about pregnancy, etc…</p>
<p>Actually the only other time, prior to reading this thread, that I have heard the “1/2 your age +7 years” thing was in a scene from the movie “Malcolm X”, when the Honorable Elijah Mohammed said the same thing to Malcolm when he counseled him about marrying Betty Shabazz. Interesting.</p>
<p>I don’t think you’ll have to deal with people assuming that the potential relationship between you two would be seen as pederasty in action, for it seems that not many know what pederasty is, judging from the number of repliers who began warning about pregnancy and other such issues. :)</p>
<p>It seems to be too early to decide whether the guy is boyfriend material. Learn more about him, see whether the spark will kindle a fire. In some time, if things will go favorably, you’ll be able to ask him the questions you brought here. That, I believe, will be of more help to you.</p>
<p>i am a 20 year old and my boyfriend is 41.
he has a young soul, he looks 30.
we have a great time together and yes sometimes we notice our age difference but it doesnt bother us at all.</p>
<p>Something seems rather funky here. So on your first date he listed the things he likes about you? And you assume that must be dead honest? And you write “we’re both intellectuals affiliated with elite universities…” and then it turns out you are an undergrad. As a professor at such a school, this makes me laugh. Oh and wait, you forgot to mention you are both men for the first few posts. </p>
<p>You don’t actually sound particularly mature and I’m venturing this is another bored kid making up yet another hypothetical for the parents to debate. Have fun kids!</p>