Dating Advice in College for the Shy and Awkward

College Life
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An overall list of things I wish I knew:

1 - College isn't high school

Just because you were neglected back then doesn’t mean it’s going to be the same now. You are more mature, and better able to avoid the mistakes you formerly made. Other people, as well, are more mature and are better able to appreciate you for who you are.

2 - Make yourself approachable

Sit down in the cafe or cafeteria, or any place where students get together. Don’t stay too enveloped in your cell phone, sunglasses or headphones. Many people just look for a student sitting by themselves unoccupied and then approach them.

3 - Looks aren't everything

You should dress, groom your hair and the like to make the most out of your looks, but the idea that you have to be above average looking in order to get attention isn’t true in hindsight. I’ve always been a handsome man who was 60 lbs overweight. I thought my weight was a dealbreaker, but it really wasn’t. Most people think the opposite sex overwhelmingly prefers skinny people, but it’s quite the opposite. Men, despite what they may say, love bigger women, and women don’t care about a guy’s weight as long as he’s really amazing to be around.

4 - People only have high standards if they like you.

The idea that you have to have a lot of money, be the best looking or be #1 at anything is not really true. People have a list of standards, but they only apply in a hypothetical situation of a stranger or something. If someone really loves your personality, finds you interesting and has lots of fun every second they spend with you, they’ll overlook a lot of things. Think about the drug companies. They charge $200 for a bottle of pills, but that’s not what everyone pays. Most people just pay the co-pay or get it for free. Similarly, people waive their nonsense requirements in dating too.

5 - Don't take rejection personally

In college, lots of people are extremely busy with job/kids/etc. Also, some people are simply just interested in spending time with their clique only and they don’t expand their horizons. But don’t take it personally. Many people find a college setting intimidating and difficult to meet people in. A lot of people go from one class to another, crossing off the many tasks on their to-do list as they ponder whether they should go up and talk to someone or not.

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Edit: I meant to say that people only have high standards if they don’t like you.

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Also…it is perfectly fine not to date while in college and focus on finding and spending time with good friends.

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^Exactly. If you don’t date much or at all in college, you are not destined to die alone-ignore the fear of missing out.

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But do take advantage of how easy it is to date. (Not hooking up) Lots of people your age and relatively inexpensive options which I think makes it less stressful than when big bucks are needed. So take advantage of free movies and concerts and sporting events. Organize groups to go bowling or co-ed intramurals. Join a club activity. Then take time to talk one on one with someone that appeals to you before asking them out. Or just hang out together and see where it leads.

I do not believe that the purpose of college is to find a mate but you will likely never again find so many people that are possibilities in one place

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I don’t know about that @scmom12 . I attended commuter college, and that was not at all true for me. Then again, my social life existed outside of college, so I didn’t make an effort. I actually found that my prime dating years were after I finished college. Once I was working, nightclubbing, going to concerts and bars, etc…that’s when I started dating a lot.

@jduster , thanks for all this advice, I hope someone benefits from it. I would like to add a few points:

-Don’t be afraid to let a person know you are interested. This isn’t high school. You are all adults now, and even if you are a woman, it’s okay these days to show interest. At worst, the other person doesn’t get the message, or doesn’t reciprocate. At best, you have a new date:-) Talk to that person, smile at the cute guy or girl. Smiling works wonders.

-PLEASE try new things. Do the thing you have no interest in doing, especially if a friend suggests it. If your friend likes it, you may like it too. And it’s a great way to meet new people. If you try the new thing and there are lots of people that interest you, try it again!

-Having said that, don’t try too hard. If I think back on how I met many of the people I dated in the past, quite a few of them were in situations in which I was not expecting to meet anyone. Being relaxed is attractive.

-Don’t automatically rule out the friend. At some point, it might become clear that you are becoming more interested in your friend as more than a friend. This happens because you start to learn more about them as a person and realize you like what lies beneath the surface. If your thoughts increasingly become romantic about someone, see if the friend feels the same. If the friend really is a friend, they will be honest one way or the other, and you will either continue to be friends, or become more than that. If your friend doesn’t feel the same, and is a good person, you will be able to adjust your feelings.

-Re looks aren’t everything, that is soooo true. Your personality is everything. The way you are as a person is what matters. If you are funny, loud, quiet, intellectual, etc…it’s all good. Be you, eventually someone will appreciate your qualities. Looks might be what first attracts someone, but it isn’t what keeps them there.

There are no doubt many others, and I am sure students would love to see other perspectives.

@MaineLonghorn , is it possible to edit the initial post to include OP’s correction in post 1?

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I agree with letting the person know you are interested. Obviously, spend a good bit of time with the person before asking them out, but a lot of people have become timid. Men don’t approach women because they fear being humiliated or misconstrued as a harasser. Women also are really nervous to approach guys, since it takes more effort for them to go against tradition, and they might take rejection even harder because of it. I think as long as you don’t say anything really vulgar, do anything really weird or take your pants off in front of them, there’s no real grounds for anyone to reject you.

The one philosophy I learned regarding this is “Just trust the other person with the agency to handle it”. If I approach a woman, I’ll trust her to make the decision. If she’s into me and very responsive, I keep talking with her. If she says she’s not interested, I respect her decision. If she doesn’t want to be straight with me if she likes me or not, that’s on her, but If she’s ignoring me or not very interested, I leave.