She has started dating a friend of hers from HS while they were both in their first semester in college. The whole relationship has been mostly online and through text, but apparently they already have said I love you to each other. They met for the first time for thanksgiving break since August, and they had a great time. Now they are both home for winter break, and while they have seen each other a handful of times, my daughter doesn’t seem too interested in seeing him a whole lot. It seems that she’s more interested in seeing her friends from home and work, and always putting him in the background. When I was her age I would have done everything possible to ensure we could spend as much time as possible together before going back to school, but I don’t see this happening with her. I’m also concerned that she may be leading him on without realizing it, telling him things that are not then followed up by actions. Is this normal? Should I point out this somewhat strange behavior to her? Any advice?
They’re 18. Let them be
I would wonder what benefit she gets from having him in the role of boyfriend. Could it be that having an off-campus boyfriend makes things easier at school, so she can remain somewhat aloof? Or perhaps having “a boyfriend” counts for a certain amount of cultural currency with her friendgroup (/hallmates/sorority sisters/etc.) at school?
All that to say I don’t know that I would encourage her to hang out with him more, or to build that relationship more deeply (I’m personally skeptical of the value or long-term likeliness of a long-distance relationship), but I would maybe take some time to better understand what she’s getting out of this, and what “needs” might be behind her choices. As always with teens, ask questions, actively listen, practice empathy, try to bite your tongue unless asked for advice, etc.
I need to read this each day!
Thank you, these are very good points. I think she sees him as safety, a way to have someone to talk to for support and comfort. She may feel that it is easier to keep the relationship as distant, and realizing that the in person relationship is a different level of commitment. He is a great guy and the last thing I want for her is to take advantage of him and his niceness. I want to say so many things and I want to protect them both but I keep hearing “let them be”…
I’d estimate my kids have been involved in about 18 relationships, some only a few months, most at least a year, right now we have 3, 4 and 6 years lengths. I mind my business. Short distance and long distance, HS, college, after college. I did ALWAYS encourage friends first and would’ve been happy if they hadn’t bothered, but a couple of them are always in a relationship (I’d expect those to get married by 30)
Teenagers cannot “be protected” unless you think or see that there is actual abuse going on.
Your D is going to figure out what she want in relationships over the next decade or so. This young man will do that as well. And after the inevitable heartbreaks and pints of mint chip ice cream… the path forward will become more clear.
Personally I think it’s great that your D is prioritizing her friendships. I don’t see anything wrong with that. IMO, this generation does a better job with managing all their important relationship and not letting a significant other overshadow everyone else.
Good point. I do see that this new generation dates in a much different way than us parents used to!
I graduated college in 1989, until then my friends were everything to me, just like college. I started dating H soon after graduation and got married around 6 years later.
Seeing friends and not focusing too much on a boyfriend sounds very healthy to me.
This may be a transitional relationship that helps them both adjust to their first year of college.
Yes “let them be.”
Stay out of it.
D19, for the longest time, was like that with her boyfriends (none LD). She was at least as interested in hanging out with her friends as with her boyfriends. (And she also used to get intensely annoyed at friends who would focus on current boyfriend to exclusion of friends.) That’s changed significantly with her current bf. I’m not sure if it’s more intense feelings or if her attitude as changed as she’s got a bit older - she still needs significant friend time but spends more alone time with bf as well as all together. I think re your D, (1) they’re 18, they don’t have to be in each other’s pockets all the time (2) it’s actually quite healthy that she’s not just focusing on him (at any age, but also again especially at this age).
My parents were great role models for me as a parent when it comes to dating. They stayed out of it … out of all of it. If we wanted to talk with them about something related to dating, we could have (most likely none of us did). My kids worked through their relationships by themselves, just like we did. I can only recall being asked for advice once, and I was careful how I handled that, turning it into a question he needed to answer that helped him sort out his feelings.
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