I’m really at a loss about what to do about this. My junior-year D is studying in Europe this semester. I assumed we’d talk once or twice a week and we’d text from time to time.
Well, she texts me 10-20 times a day with random questions or random thoughts. Texts photos several times a day. She calls any time of day to ask a question. This morning she sent five texts between 5 and 5:30 am my time with random thoughts about sights we should see when we visit her in a few months. Does this flight confirmation look right? Should I transfer more money? Is this a good price for a flight? Can you call my bank for me? Should I go to Vienna? I have to wait on a long line to get my transit card. My flight connection is delayed. We agreed to go to Lisbon on spring break, now my friends don’t want to go. Can you review my friend’s thank-you note (to employer after interview) – she can’t send it to her parents because it’s Shabbat. Is this a good sim card to get? etc, etc, etc. All. Day. Long.
When I try to direct her into calling just a few times a week and gathering all her questions into one or two emails a day, she gets very insulted. I’ve told her that I don’t think it’s healthy to be in constant contact as if we’re in the same room all day long. She got all huffy and said, “Fine, guess I’ll just see you in April.”
How would you handle this?? Thanks for any advice.
The answer is easy, but not so easy to carry out depending on your tenderness of heart and anxiety level. Do you feel compelled to answer every text within a few minutes, or within the hour? And would you feel very anxious if you did not answer her texts?
I think you know, in your heart, that your daughter doesn’t actually need any help from you. Your daughter will do much better if you don’t give her all the advice and answers she wants.
If it were me, I would answer texts once per day at a time that is convenient for you. It is o.k. if she feels insulted, because this is not reasonable behavior. Would you accept this behavior from another adult?
She’s probably feeling lonely, insecure, and out of her element - not unusual when going off to another country and culture. Have you tried talking to her about her feelings and what’s lying beneath all this contact in a nonjudgemental way besides just dealing with and answering the calls, texts, and questions?
When our kids left home (whether 200 miles or 5000 miles) we always had the same system.
“Pick a time every week that works for you, and we will talk on the phone then”.
Period. We didn’t have a texting plan that would make constant contact affordable- so that problem solved itself (texting was for an emergency) and we exchanged emails once or twice a week.
You either need to help set limits- or continue on the path you are on. If your D’s feelings get hurt- well, so what? I’m not advocating being cruel, but surely she will realize once she reflects that this constant communication is undermining her ability to sort things out for herself. A college kid can pick a sim card.
Explain to her (when you guys are picking the time for your once a week or twice a week check in call) that you don’t want her thinking about you every waking moment. You want her enjoying her experience! And that you will be checking your texts once a day when you wake up but not during your work day so she should excuse you for any lengthy silences.
Answer the ones you think need attention (‘can you read this note from a friend to another person you don’t know?’ NO)
Ignore most of them or answer a block of them. Ask questions to steer her back on track about what she’s doing, what is happening in class.
Take longer to respond to texts or only respond quickly to texts you think she really needs help with.
Say “I am not sure…why don’t you ask one of the other students there”
When we hosted an exchange student, they were told not to contact home more than once every two weeks. It was so they would acclimate to the new situation.
Does she have any friends? If not, then make suggestions…believe it or not sometimes it works. “Before next week, why don’t you invite two people over?”
Sounds like she is feeling an intense need to be connected to home while branching out with new experiences in a new country and culture. Which is understandable. This is a big experience for her! One that is exhilarating and anxiety-inducing at the same time.
Think about the toddler years. The kid tries something new, it works out, and they are fine. Then tries it again. And again. But what about when the kid tries something new and it doesn’t work out? Tears and running to mom or dad.
Your daughter is trying new things. She has so many adult decisions to make for herself right now. And she keeps looking to see if you are behind her ready to help. Again, totally understandable.
Perhaps you might start by responding with “Well, what do you think about Vienna?”
Then, no matter what she says, respond with “Sounds like the right decision for you. You got this!”
Or “Just get online and order that plane ticket. You got this!”
A few reassuring exchanges like this (emphasis: “YOU GOT THIS!”) and she will hopefully start feeling confident in making these decisions on her own.
This, paired with waiting a bit to answer text messages could do the trick.
Just be a little less available. Pick a time (or two) during your day when you respond to her texts. She’ll get used to asking you questions when she actually needs info, and less reliant upon you as an ongoing source of conversation. There’s nothing actually bad about the fact that she wants to share it all with you – it’s a good thing – but you don’t want her to be so comfortable with you as a long distance friend that she doesn’t forge relationships with the real live people she’s meeting on her adventure.
Thanks for all your replies and private messages. It’s been four weeks already. The texts are free because it’s iPhone to iPhone. I have suggested a scheduled call time. She says she never knows when she’ll be available. I said she can text me when she knows she’ll have free time and we can schedule calls individually. She just keeps resisting that idea. I do try to answer texts just once or twice a day.
I want her to learn to hold her thoughts and gather them up. It’s a very bad habit to feel compelled to text a thought or idea the minute you have it.
She said to me that “everyone else” is excited to hear from her and it sounds like I just don’t want to talk to her. When we do have a phone call, there’s little to talk about because she’s been texting me all day!
Mine is abroad and texting pretty regularly, and skyped or called a few times - both more than when at her home college.
I think it’s normal. D is totally alone (went several weeks early to do research before academic year so really, alone) in a country far away. She is out exploring and doing things so I don’t worry about her desire to connect with me a bit more than she usually does. If that connection makes her feel secure enough to go out on her solo adventures, confidently do her work and generally adjust to being so far away, I think that’s great.
Editing to add - I helped her research things like a local sim card (before she went), and I helped her set up a google voice # which she can use to call or text free. OTOH, she chose her own housing, makes her own meals and is generally adulting at a very high level. I’m impressed, actually.
Oh, btw, she has lots of friends. Rooming with three people from her home college. Has one friend working as an au pair in the city where she’s studying. Has traveled to see friends studying abroad in other cities every weekend.
My daughters have told me that with younger people, it is an insult when their friends don’t reply within minutes (preferably immediately) to their texts.
I don’t get it, but that’s how they roll.
I’d just tell her that that’s not how you do things. She’s probably irritable and stubborn because she’s anxious in her new environment even though she’s got lots of friends. Once the semester is over, she’ll be proud of how she managed on her own and will forget all this drama.
Really, that’s the way kids communicate, in 5 syllables at a time. She seems to be launching fine, it takes courage to go to another country to study. So, if she needs or wants this connection, what’s the problem with providing it? She’ll be on her own soon enough, and you may miss this. Just let her know you will answer if you can, but sometimes you can’t due to other comittments, but you’ll get back to her ASAP.
I guess I’m a softy and get sad at the thought of my kids fully flying away. Yours is so close to being all grown up with grown up responsibilities that will undoubtedly change the time she has to communicate like this…I guess I just think I would cherish this.
(Literally just got two texts from my D with a question about her taxes and a funny personal observatio, followed by a few more).
Absolutely how I feel. But parenting this kid has always been different from parenting my older one. She seems to do best and go farthest when she has a touchstone (luckily right now, that’s me).
“My daughters have told me that with younger people, it is an insult when their friends don’t reply within minutes (preferably immediately) to their texts.”
Funny, my daughter (24 yo) told me the opposite. I apologized when I hadn’t answered a text quickly (saw it a few hours later) and she said “Mom, I just expect you to answer when you have a chance. No big deal. Nobody expects an answer right away”
