Some of these comments are quite judgmental. I do appreciate those chiming in that they’ve been through something similar.
I don’t expect my daughter to have all her ducks in a row as a teen, neither did I want her to get married at 17. My daughter openly and at will discussed her hopes and dreams for this relationship on a regular basis. I had gotten used to the idea of this boy being around for a while, since they seemed so serious and had long-term plans. In opening myself to listening to her, and welcoming him into my home, I started caring about him as part of my family. He was a fun and warm person to have around. I’m not sure how this translates into me being the one in the relationship with him.
I have no plans on communicating with him going forward. My feelings of disappointment simply caught me by surprise. I am grieving it as a loss, and it is not something I was ready for. There’s a younger sibling involved who is also hurt that he won’t be around, it’s not just about me.
My first really serious boyfriend was great too. He went on a junior year abroad and met the woman he married. I ended up finding my husband to be that year too. We didn’t see much of each other senior year, but reconnected via facebook and are friendly. (He lives in the country where he spent his junior year.) It’s interesting to see that while he’s still a great guy, our taste in music and books has almost no overlap.
I agree with OP that everyone should cut her some slack. This is her first time going through this. Now she knows better and will do better.
FYI, I am still in contact with ds2’s HS gf. No big deal (they are 25 now). She came back home after college (he didn’t), and we share a lot of the same interests and genuinely like each other and occasionally see each other at events. The other day we were on a Zoom call with about 100 people, and she private msg’d me a Hi! It was funny. We were at the Michelle Obama Becoming book tour last year, and she found out where I was sitting and came over to talk.
It doesn’t have to be awkward, but there does need to be a “cooling off” period or you risk alienating your dd. My mother helped my HS bf try to get back in my good graces soon after I broke up with him and, well, let’s just say it didn’t go well.
My take on OP is that she posted here to do just that—vent her emotions away from the actual people involved in the break up.
I thought this was a safe place to vent and “talk”it all out. Hopefully, OP can find some benefit from typing out all her emotions, so that she is better prepared to comfort and support her D.
I like reading what people are sharing about their own experiences with break ups or when dealing with their child’s break up. Does anyone have good advice on what you say to your teens/young adults about dating? I really didn’t get parental advice at all. I’m curious if that is typical or if parents are talking to teens prior to dating…while in relationships and what do they say?
My son had a wonderful hs girlfriend. At times in his hs career I liked her better than him (everyone that knew them could understand why). She and his parents helped him through a year of hell (rebellion X20). I was sad when they broke up just before he left for college. I really liked her (I still do but from a distance) but I also knew that it was going to happen. He was going to college 10 hours away and she was going to go a couple of hours away and live with all her hs friends. He was going to be gone for at least 7 years for undergrad and vet school. It was not going to work and they parted as friends. I’m still friends with her mother but don’t have the daughter on FB or anything anymore.
2 weeks into his freshman year he met his current gf. I tried not to but I got attached. She makes him a better person. They are so compatible! She did go on ski trips with us and came to our home to visit and even went to Europe with him. When they broke up over Christmas I didn’t understand and was hurt. Well, turns out that he just had to see what was out there and realized the grass was not greener and they are back together! I think it helped both of them. I didn’t talk to her while they were broken up and stayed out of it and let them figure out what was right or wrong. We will see if it last. I’d like it to but it is up to them not me. She was here for part of the quarantine and they really did seem happy. We will see what happens next year when she is a Senior and he is in vet school (at the same university).
I know a lot of people don’t get close to their kid’s so. I know I haven’t with any of my D’s bf’s (not even the one that is the father of my grandson). This girl is just the entire package, sweet, respectful, intelligent, well-spoken, athletic, beautiful, outgoing, a family person but also career driven. I still don’t know how my son lucked into her! Hard not to fall in love with her. So, I understand being heartbroken over the hs romance but something great is out there for her!
Correct. I was trying not to make a big deal about this in front of my D, and thought I’d turn to parents going through similar experiences.
I AM feeling a lot more at peace. I’ve been reflecting on my emotions and writing in an actual journal instead of a forum.
I think I wanted more kids, I specifically saw myself having a boy at some point, and through the years I told myself, it’s ok, my girls’ SO will be my boys. That’s part of the problem.
Also, D lost a close relative very young, and it affected her, she was a little guarded and not very affectionate after that loss, and I always worried that she’d never fully recover. This boy brought her out of her shell, she was affectionate and happy, and I was relieved. I thought he was a positive influence and that made me like him more.
She was venting to me yesterday and I found out more details about his behavior. He gave her a hard time about taking a night off from talking to him, to spend quality time with me on Mother’s Day, and with her sister on her birthday. So yeah, not as perfect as I thought he was. I’m proud of her for knowing what’s healthy and seeing those warning signs.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with liking and enjoying your child’s SO. Nothing wrong with a SO joining a family on short vacation. But other factors like age, length of relationship, SO’s family situation, etc. come into play.
And OP, nothing wrong with venting here. We all do it. But in your original post you DID ask for advice and thoughts. So that’s what many of us did!
A lot of great advice was given. It was read, considered, and very much appreciated.
A few comments made rude assumptions or judged. No permanent damage was done with those. I know people will respond with varying levels of empathy and grace.
OP: I haven’t read all of the posts so I do not know whether or not this has been addressed.
A significant concern with your attachment to your daughter’s ex-boyfriend is that your daughter may feel guilty about breaking up with him because it hurt you.
Your daughter is young & growing. She needs to be able to make unencumbered decisions about her relationships.
Although this seems simple & obvious, it can cause pain, guilt, and confusion to the young adult whose parent is involved in his or her relationship with another.
Moreover, it seems clear that the young man’s mother did not want this relationship to continue. Her stance did & will affect her son.
Young people need time to grow and to experience life. And experience is not always pleasant. But a child should always be able to count on his or her parents being there to support him or her–not to raise feelings of guilt, doubt, and insecurity.
At no point did I share my feelings with D. I was really sad the first couple of days, but my response to her was " I trust you and I’m here for you". I hid my sadness, she has no guilt from me, and is moving on quite well. I came HERE to vent, and found that a lot of people have felt similarly. I also received lots of good advice.
You keep implying on your posts that I was the one in the relationship with the BF. He texted me a couple of times to plan surprises for her, he texted me links to articles I was interested in, and would occasionally thank me for staying over. He was probably trying to get in my good graces. I replied to his messages. He spent a lot of time with us and naturally we all grew very fond of him.
Maybe you can add this to the lyrics of your country song.
I have read my post and the quotes you included in your reply. Yes, I was devastated. It felt like the loss of a family member. It still does to an extent. I came here because I had nowhere else to share those unexpected feelings.
You are the only poster who responded in an insensitive way. By your third reply quoting my original message, I felt the need to respond.
If you feel comfortable assuming, then please assume away.
When someone is in pain, one has the choice to respond with grace and compassion, even if one doesn’t agree.