Daughter broke up with BF

Parent Cafe
1

I’m about to sound really stupid but, oldest DD broke up with her BF and I’m devastated. She is a senior in HS and he’s starting his freshman year of college. This was a long distance relationship, and he would come visit and stay in our home occasionally so we would all hang out together, he came on a trip with us over the holidays, he absolutely adored us, called me mama, etc. Our families know each other.

DD is extremely mature and I always saw her as a one relationship and done kind of person. She had expressed to me how much she loved him, and they had plans to go to the same school around here, move in together after college, get married, etc. I believed her, and got wrapped up in her dreams. He was just as smitten with her, you could feel the love between them when in their presence, it was palpable. They treated each other with a respect and admiration beyond their years. They are both excellent students, with the same values, similar families.

Everything started to fall apart last month, however, his mom basically prohibited him to come to his first choice school, which was close to us, and forced him to choose a school far away against his wishes, by threatening to remove financial support. He got depressed and was constantly fighting with his mom, and it spilled over to his relationship with DD. He became needy, more demanding, and pushy with DD, not giving her space, and it freaked DD out. She broke up with him four days ago. At least she did it in the kindest way possible. But I know he’s devastated.

I’m trying to be there for DD but I’m devastated too. I understand DD’s point completely. She says that if he is this pushy and possessive now there is no way they can withstand a long distance relationship, and she says she realized they are not right for each other. She says she loves him still, but she wants to just focus on school and deepening her female friendships. I understand, I’m amazed by her maturity, and I know I need to trust her, he is just wonderful and I think his behavior was temporary, and I’m sorry to see him go. He was like part of our family. He sent me a really long text the day after the breakup telling us what a wonderful daughter we had raised and thanking us for everything. It broke my heart.

I’ve been reading previous threads on this topics and it seems that is best to swallow my feelings of disappointment and not initiate contact with this boy. I fear that I will always miss him and I find myself wishing sometimes that she’d never had this relationship at all, which is selfish.

Any advice, thoughts? Have you been through anything like this before?

2

I would really suggest that you not initiate contact with the boy. My DD’s second serious BF broke up with her after 3+ years. His mother persisted in contacting her and reaching out to her, even after she met her now fiance. I finally helped DD (at her request) draft a very nice letter asking the mother to please not contact her anymore as it was impeding her from moving on. I understood, as a mom, because this woman has only boys and my DD was so sweet to her. DD also continued to babysit for ex’s nephews until I finally convinced her that it wasn’t healthy for the boys to think she was going to be in their lives permanently. The older one (8) adored her, the other was a toddler and probably doesn’t even remember her at this point.

From your D’s ex’s POV, it would probably be easier for him to move on if he has no contact with your family. In addition, your D could see it as being disloyal to her.

While I am unhappy and hurt about how DD’s prior relationship ended (essentially, the BF got an out of town internship, went away and then dropped a bombshell on DD, which was that he wanted to be in an open relationship). She cut him out of her life immediately but had a harder time with his family, whom she had come to love. My sons all adored the guy and one had a separate friendship with him, because they attended the same school, but all 4 boys cut off contact as well when they heard the story. That breakup and the resulting hurt helped D to understand what she really needed and wanted in a boyfriend and her fiance is an amazing guy but one she might not have considered had she not gone through the first relationship.

Allow your D to mourn and hope that she learns about herself and what she wants and needs from this. She’s 100% correct that a bf who is clingy and possessive at 18 or 19 is not likely to grow out of it. It also sounds like his mother is a piece of work and who wants that kind of mother-in-law for their D?

3

My DD broke up with her boyfriend, who I thought was wonderful too. I truly felt grateful to God that her first boyfriend was smart and always kind and respectful both to her and everyone around her. When they broke up I almost wanted to write to his mom and tell her how sorry I was and reiterate what a wonderful son she raised - but I didn’t because I didn’t want to be weird or put any kind of pressure on my daughter had she found out. I respected her choice and didn’t want to do anything to undermine that.

This situation was never mentioned in the parenting books!

I got over it. Life went on. DD ran into exBF a lot and it was awkward for both, but they have a lot of mutual friends and are in some of the same extracurriculars. So over several months it got more comfortable. I had even given him rides home sometimes before the school closed. Seeing first hand how they had evolved and moved on made me very happy and proud of them. I figure that was probably the best possible outcome.

4

I’m sure your D is a wonderful young woman and that the former BF is a wonderful young man. I can (sort of) understand your disappointment.

Breaking up can mean a lot of things.

“I need space”
“I need a change”
“You’re suffocating me”
“My feelings have changed”
“I don’t like the way you’re behaving”
“I want more/less/different”

So. many.things.

Breaking up doesn’t mean they don’t get back together. But don’t hang onto that. They are VERY young. You are focussing so much on their maturity. Maturity doesn’t make a relationship last - love and will to be together does.

This is very fresh. You need to step back and let them both have their space. If your D reaches out to you, be there to listen.

Their relationship to make, their relationship to break.

5

It’s ok to vent on CC about your feelings. Change is hard. But as you said, you need to trust your D. Do not contact the boy (other than, perhaps, a “thank you” --and nothing else-- for his text complimenting your D/you)

6

I always feel the need to say this:

OP, this is your first post here. You joined this bored only minutes before you made this your first post. I for one will be a little skeptical about this being a real situation if immediately upon joining a college based board you pour your heart out almost immediately.

We’ll see how this goes. :slight_smile:

7

I liked D1’s first serious BF and was surprised when she told me she broke it off. She said she was bummed — maybe annoyed — that “everyone” seemed sad about the break-up.

I suggested she consider it a compliment. Her friends & family liked him! There was no collective cheering of Good Riddance!
I think that helped her feel a bit more confident in her decision.

I made no contact with him or his family after the break up, nor did he reach out to us. I was somewhat relieved about the break up after she opened up more about her reasons for moving on. I tried to stay neutral but supportive of whatever she decided.

When D2 broke up with her first serious BF, I grieved. I clicked with him, and he added some much needed relief to the tension between D2 & I.

I was mentally prepared to have this man in our lives for decades to
come, and was looking forward to it.

I found out about the break up when I sent a silly unimportant group text to the two of them and she replied directly to me that they had broken up and she wasn’t ready to talk about it.

In this case, I did send a text directly to him alone & said I was sorry to hear the news, that it had been a pleasure to get to know him and I wished him the best in his new job.

I was sorely tempted to try to get more info out of him, but I knew better of it. I just let it go, as hard as it was to do that.

I still don’t know what happened between them or who initiated the break-up.

D2 is in a new serious relationship & we have not had the chance to meet him yet. It’s going to be hard not to compare the two.

I keep my feelings to myself & keep my mouth shut.

Good luck and give yourself the time and space to be sad about it. You weren’t dating him, but he was part of your life as well.

8

I broke up with my high school boyfriend after many ups and downs in 1982. My mother is still friends with him, at least on Facebook.

9

For D’s first serious boyfriend it was hard when they broke up. I am still friends with his mom, but not him of course. Its so hard, as its almost as if you are breaking up with them as well. Yeah, noone tells you when they get older you will get attached to their SO’s and then when the breakup occurs that it will affect you as well.

10

I have been through this several times, I am afraid. The good news is my boys have good taste in women. There have been several I didn’t like, too, fwiw.

I keep up with the women remotely. If someone talks about them, my ears perk up. If i see their folks, I ask about them and wish them well.

Okay, in one instance, I did more than that. Son and HS GF broke up. A year or so later she was in a terrible car accident that left her paralyzed on one side. Her folks were divorced, her mom in another state. The dad didn’t know what to do and reached out for help, not just to me, but to the D’s friends’ parents. I really liked this girl and I got involved, helping out with the other moms until the girl’s mom could come to town. (It took awhile, long sad story) I stayed involved, as needed, until the girl recovered. Now I am back to asking about her thru other people.

11

There have been a few bfs that I’ve been sad to see go but they are my D’s relationships and her decisions. Grieve, move on, and be supportive of your D and her emotions.

12

Thank you so much for the replies. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and a lot more reading on older, similar threads. These feelings caught me completely by surprise. This is my firstborn, first relationship, first break-up. I was not prepared! I do feel a little more at peace to know I’m not the only one.

On an older thread someone said that part of the reason our children’s breakups can feel overwhelming is that they no longer have all their ducks neatly in a row. Once they are single again it’s something else to add to mom’s list of worries, another loose end. I can relate.

I wonder if these feelings are precipitated by so many changes in such little time. She is a senior, she’s assertive in her plans for the future, going away next year, she falls in love, then decides it’s not right. Gets a new job. She is growing up at an incredible rate and perhaps I’m
having a hard time keeping up.

Also, techmom99 is right, who wants a mother in law like that!

13

I don’t know if I want my senior in high school to have all their “ducks in a row” - I feel it’s sort of too early to solidify your ducks!

Yes, plenty of threads here on this topic though every situation is a little different. While many will have stories of high school first loves or romances that stand the test of time there will also be oodles of stories - a treasure trove - of stories that high school romance is just one of many relationships - and break ups - before possibly finding the one that lasts.

14

Been there, soooo many time. When you have a lot of kids, this becomes so routine, you stop getting emotionally invested in SOs.

15

She is a high school student. I think, as a parent, you need to be supportive to her IF she asks. Be a good listener, not an advice giver. Let her talk this out but only if she initiates.

HS kids break up with significant others all the time. Heck…so do college students.

Please, let this go. It sounds from what you wrote that you were completely wrapped up in this relationship…maybe more so than the parties in the relationship.

As hard as you view this…just move on. The relationship has ended at least for now. Just move on.

16

Let. It. Go.

17

Totally agree. I’m surprised on the number of people who get so close to their kids SO’s in high school. Being kind, polite and welcoming - yes, but encouraging such a serious long term view - not for me. One of my kids (college) has a serious GF and she’s wonderful, but we stay out of it - while being kind, etc. But we’re not inviting her to come on vacation with us anytime soon, for example.

They have time to explore relationships in college, I feel like the kids who are bogged down with an mature committed relationship in high school end up with a lot of regrets later.

18

@edamame614:

If I may, I would like to offer some first reaction off-the-cuff comments.

It seems as though you wanted your daughter to stop growing.

Why is your daughter’s former boyfriend texting you ? This is weird and makes me wonder who was in a relationship with whom.

I am on the side of the ex-boyfriend’s parents who demanded that their son continue to grow & to mature.

P.S. On the positive side, it does seem as though this situation has the makings of a solid country song.

P.P.S. @MaineLonghorn wrote a potential title for the country song:

“Let.It.Go.”

Next line: Let. Them. Grow.

19

If his parents got wind of this it’s not surprising that they’re sending him away to school. If she’s a rising senior she’s roughly 16-years-old. That’s a little young to be making long-term commitments. I don’t understand why you would be so eager for her to do that.

You said they’re in a long distance relationship now. Did you use to live near each other? If so, the chance to see each other on a regular basis could be what’s behind the motivation to attend the same college. But where someone goes to college should be chosen based on academics and finances, not based on how close it is to the student’s current girlfriend.

His parents have to consider what happens if they choose the college near you because it is near you and they break up. Is it still the best choice for him? It doesn’t sound like it. He’s still very attached to all of you and you’re overly attached to him. I think you should let him have a clean break. That means not engaging in text conversations with him. In the future it might help to not get so close to your daughter’s boyfriends.

20

My D broke up with her SO and her SO’s parents, with whom D had spent a fair amount of time with, sent her a text that was very kind. I don’t remember all the details but basically said what a lovely person she was, how sorry they were to hear about the break up and that the two of them were likely to have other relationships and life experiences ahead of them and that they wished her all the best. I’m not really conveying it well but it was very comforting to my D and she was touched. There was no ongoing communication; just the one time text exchange of one text each and I don’t know if the SO knew and/or approved it in advance.

I’m not advocating this; just sharing my D’s experience and how much she appreciated it.