My daughter was accepted to her first choice school, a large university with nearly 50,000 undergrads. I think part of the reason she chose this school is that it is close to home and she enjoys being close.
High school wasn’t a great time for her, she says she,“peaked in middle school” where she was little miss popular, captain of the cheerleaders etc.
She went into her university hoping for the best but now she everything she says is negative. It’s just not like her. She’s very smart, finished high school with a 4.6 GPA and over 30 college credits, but she says college makes her feel stupid. She’s not making friends like she hoped she would. She tried going through formal recruitment and was very successful being invited to join a top tier sorority. She dropped after a few weeks-said it wasn’t for her. That is totally fine, and I encouraged her to go try other new things. She tried out for one of the dance teams and made it but is now repeatedly putting herself down saying she’s not a good dancer and everyone else is better. Anyway, she has just turned into a walking ball of negativity What do I do as a mom to help encourage her through this??? I can’t seem to say anything right.
It is REALLY hard to quickly become little miss popular again at a 50,000 student university, especially as a freshman. She is a tiny minnow in a huge pond. There are going to be more talented dancers, students, etc. It is a big shock for a lot of students to realize this, and know that they are starting from the bottom.
They wouldn’t have picked her for the dance team if they didn’t think she had talent and potential. But she can’t expect to be tops in her first semester, and there may be other freshman who are better. But she is on the team and gets a chance to learn & maybe lead in a couple of years.
You can’t really fix this for her. Care packages, meeting her for lunch if she wants to – just provide support while she works this out. You don’t say if she has come home much, but this is a pretty key window for making friends as all the freshman are settling in, so staying on campus for weekends is good.
It can be a difficult transition for a lot of students. Consider your D’s words a chance to vent her frustrations, and not necessarily a cry for your help and intervention.
Phrase your replies carefully. “Really?” can cover a lot of situations. As can “how does that make you feel?” After a long tirade of negative, if it feels right you can ask “what is something good that happened this week?” If she continues to respond negatively no matter what you say, just say as few words as possible, phrase thoughts into questions, and you can even ask “am I a safe place for you to vent, or are you wanting me to help you fix this?”
You can send handwritten notes through the mail with some encouraging words of support, and affirmation of her best attributes. Nothing over the top, but just let her know you love her, you believe in her, and you think she has what it takes to make this transition into adulthood. Mail a care package, even though she attends a school close to home.
Thanks for your replies. All really good advice! I have to retrain myself to not try to be the fixer But instead to be the listener and strong supporter.
Yes, S had A LOT of criticisms over the years and we got along much better once I started asking if I was just a safe place to vent or we were in problem-solving, troubleshooting mode. Supportive, even silly cartoons, and a care package showing you care can help.
Do rule out any depression that might be flaring. This is the age when it often shows up.
I think it could be any number of things mentioned above and at this point you just need to listen and let her vent. If she is still unhappy in another month or so you might bring up the idea of transferring (if that is financially feasible).
Both of my kids had a point where they were clearly not happy. In D’s case she applied to and was accepted as a transfer for a school that had been on her original list, but ended up deciding to stay at her original school and things were fine. In S’s case he loved a lot about his school (and I do too), but he transferred. I can’t say enough good things about his original school, but I think it was not the best fit for him.The option to transfer might be a comfort to your D whether she decides to stay or not. Good luck.
My S also expressed unhappiness during his freshman year - living away from home, adjusting to a roommate, overcommiting himself, boring classes. We let him vent and I worried. But by the end of his freshman year, he had made friends and was happy to go back for sophomore year.
I agree with posters who say just to be a listening ear. Be noncommital and just let her vent, unless she really seems stressed, then perhaps some counseling may be required. If she wants to transfer, make sure it is her decision and that she does the work.
FWIW, my daughter is going through similar situation, especially when it comes to making new friends. We knew this would be hard for her 4 years ago as a high school freshman. She simply doesn’t do well with change…never has.
I see her making solid effort to join clubs, etc , and also being away from campus on weekends too much ( sometimes just taking a train to DC to be with friends going through the same who attend other schools )
She has called on more than one occasion in tears because she is lonely, although she does have two friends from high school that she spends some time with at her school.
What I find very puzzling , she is NOT the minority in this situation. Out of her extended group of high school friends, she has only one that actually are liking their school. Having two other daughters who went to college , I just don’t get it . When I think back 9 years , I can only think of one of their friends who DIDN’T like their school
i second mom2’s comment about watching for, and ruling out depression.
also: if this was my own daughter, i’d wonder slightly about the competitiveness with these girl groups she’s looked at and how that affected her. There’s no way my d17 would feel comfortable with the girls in a top tier sorority or a college dance team. She does best when she’s around guys. Perhaps there are some coed fun & interesting groups she can join that have a different focus & structure and nature than the groups she’s looked so far.
I like the idea of finding non-competitive things to join and finding guys to hang around with. Girls in college can still act like middle school brats - sorority girls would probably be the cattiest (maybe her not wanting to join is because she realized this.) I am sure in a school that size there are some fun co-ed groups for odd interests - arts and crafts, community service, food, games, movies, etc. or maybe a professional group related to her major?
Also, remember that she is more likely to feel comfortable “dumping” on you - so you are hearing the worst of it.
My D liked her school from the beginning, but spent an entire year there and still didn’t have one person that she absolutely clicked with. I saw pics on FB she was out doing things with groups, and she always said positive things about getting along with her roommate. But I worried (as moms do) that she didn’t have a best friend at school.
It wasn’t until the new freshmen arrived the following fall that she found someone with a similar background and personality. They are both introverts, so it took more time to develop the friendship. D’s junior year they are rooming together and are besties. D brought her home for fall break and I got to know roomie better and see how they are so much alike.
Most hs girls haven’t had to put themselves out there to make friends since kindergarten, so skills can be rusty. Plus, as bgbg said, maybe a coed group might be easier to break into. An all girl group can be intimidating to a new freshman.
Please bear in mind that my child is a senior so I have no direct experience with this yet.
I feel like this is one of the places where social media has doomed our kids. When they see their friends through the veil of Insta and Twitter looking fabulous and happy, with the perfect selfie from the perfect angle, it has to make them feel that what they have pales in comparison.
Just a thought
Good advice above. 
Give her permission to wipe her high school slate clean. Grades, activities, leadership - it’s all a new ball game and maybe she will want to change her priorities. Freshman year is a great year to re-evaluate your interests.
my daughter did not participate in any of her high school activities in college (things she had done for four or more years and enjoyed) - she instead found new clubs/activities to join. I think reinventing yourself is a great idea!
My D2’s high school friends all struggled their first semesters, but by end of freshman year all were happy with their schools and none transferred (D2 was hugely challenged academically, but actually loved her school from the start). But just saying it is not uncommon for the first semester to be rough. Lots of time it sorts out with time.
She might want to check out counseling services at her university if she is feeling depressed and inadequate. Perhaps having somebody other than mom to tell her that these feelings are not unique to her might be helpful. In addition to you showing her the love, that is! Hope things improve soon.
I do wish there was some “required orientation” for all incoming freshman to help them realize the transition from hs to college is not just a magical journey. It takes great emotional effort to meet new people. The students on your new college campus don’t know your interests, how funny you are, or what kind of good friend you might be. No one cares that you won homecoming queen, or were on the state debate championship team. The only things they know about you are how you have acted since you set foot on campus.
We parents have celebrated your hs graduation, thrown parties, given you gifts, and told you how great you are. Then you show up on campus with a bunch of upperclassmen who look down on the silly freshman who can’t find the library or don’t know how to work the washing machine. It can be a shock to realize you were sitting on the top rung of the ladder all year long as a senior in hs, but now you are starting over down on the bottom rung.
Families look for the best ranked school, they can quote the stats and have bought season tickets for the football games, but what about spending time to figure out if the student can fit into the culture on campus? So many cc posts from lonely freshmen sitting in their dorm rooms, shocked by this huge adjustment in their lives.
If I could rule the world, I would love to find a way to unite all these lonely freshmen and help them see they are not the only person struggling to fit into a new place.
The other thing I think that happens.
A % of freshman arrive at college with a fake “cool” factor. Put on a fake face/persona trying to fit in. Too cool for school - when they really are not! It’s a defense mechanism I suppose.
By second semester, things calm down and most freshman realize it’s too much work to be who you are not and settle in with their real personality.
Unless you think she is clinically depressed or the school experience is really harming her, please don’t let her leave after one semester. So many freshmen have a much better second semester than first.
I so agree with this. It happens even with our generation. I was talking to an acquaintance who had just been to her HS reunion. She looks fabulous, has a great job, terrific friends, etc. But she admitted to feeling hurt when she saw Facebook posts about pre-parties to which she had not been invited. Observing the social life of others from the outside takes an extremely thick skin.