You’re right - you don’t want to do that. She already knows what she looks like. She shouldn’t be criticized because of her ‘looks’ regardless, and really, the issue itself just needs to be dealt with without criticism, without demeaning, and without any focus on ‘looks’. The focus should be on ‘health’ and on ‘lifestyle’ and practical ways to resolve the issues should be discussed.</p>
<p>I don’t see a point of even talking about WW or other specific programs without understanding what she’s doing to pack on the pounds in the first place. There really needs to be some steps done -
Does she have emotional issues at play that’s causing her to eat more and eat junk?
Has she just ended up in a lifestyle (perhaps as a result of no longer having the particular BF) that’s unhealthy - partying excessively, alcohol, etc.?
Has she just fallen into a rut of eating the wrong kinds of foods - basically junk for almost every meal supplemented with junk snacks for the rest of the day? Lots of students fall into this - hence the ‘freshman 15’.
Does she do any exercise at all?</p>
<p>Once she figures the above out then she can take a tactical approach to solving the problem. There’s no need to focus on WW, especially since she says she’s not interested in it. She doesn’t actually necessarily need any of these types of programs once she figures out where she’s getting her calories and is resoved to change. However, some other ideas -
Most colleges have decent workout facilities. She should start using hers regularly. Doing a regular workout not only burns some calories but it provides a disincentive to counteract all that hard work with a candy bar and cookies. If she can adopt a regular routine it’ll help her be more conscious of her condition. She’ll be able to know right away if her fitness level is reducing by the work getting more difficult. She also might become friends with some others there who are practicing a healthier lifestyle than maybe some of the other friends she hangs out with.
Most colleges have other ways to do regular fitness - swimming, tennis, aerobics class, yoga, pilates, dance, etc.</p>
<p>The biggest hurdle will be for her to decide she really wants to turn it around and commit to it.</p>
<p>Again - don’t focus on ‘looks’ - focus on ‘health and lifestyle’. Don’t criticize - offer objective help to help get the problem taken care of and move on.</p>
<p>My D was a very successful Weight Watcher’s member during the summer. She was usually the youngest person at meetings, but it didn’t bother her–the older women fussed over her. I cooked many meals from the WW cookbooks, we had no temptations in the house, she worked at a day camp and had no choices for lunch other than her WW-compliant pre-packed brown bag. BUT during first semester this year she pretty much gained back all she lost. She finds it very hard to adhere to the diet at school–the cafeteria offerings are carb-heavy, and it’s hard to find alternatives other than salad after salad. Fast food offerings on campus are a constant temptation. She decided to try WW again this semester. The WW meeting on campus is during one of her classes, so she had to shlep close to an an hour to get to one. At the first meeting she attended the leader told her it was virtually impossible to stay on WW while at college because of the poor food options! But I have to agree. It’s very hard to muster up will power when poor food options surround you and everyone you know is chowing down on junk all the time. I can’t think of a worse place to lose weight than at college.</p>
<p>I am 47 but went to WW when I was 18. I was always an athlete and when I stopped competing I kept eating as much as I did before. It was really helpful to learn what a portion size is etc… and I have never had a weight problem since. Also I have a “competitive” personality, so weighing in each week at the meetings was an extra incentive. One suggestion is not to drink any calories. All of the coffee drinks and smoothies have a ton of calories and don’t make you feel like you have eaten.</p>
<p>I’ll jump in and say that my D was diagnosed with PCOS about 3 years ago. She was still at home & I knew what she was and wasn’t eating, so I thought there was a good chance it wasn’t a diet issue. It’s totally under control now, but it is one of those things that tends to get overlooked by dr.'s.</p>
<p>Having said that, my D’s roommate put on way over the freshman 15 this past fall, while my D lost weight. Roommate’s gain was a result of two things: a major decrease in physical activity (she had been an athlete in HS and didn’t continue in college) plus there was alcohol. My D doesn’t like the dorm food so much (not a big fan of processed food) and ended the semester with over 90 meals left on her 160 meal plan. Plus all the walking on campus was a lot more physical activity than she did in HS. </p>
<p>Is there a supermarket within walking distance of campus? D has one on the campus bus route & stops once a week to get salad fixings & fresh fruit. That’s been a big help.</p>
<p>It sounds like you and your D have a good relationship. Since she brought this up herself in the past, I think you could now ask her if she wants you to try to help or would prefer that you stay out of it. If she opts for “stay out”, respect her wishes even if it nearly kills you. She’s clearly very aware of the issue (what girl her age isn’t? My own mother was an ever-vigilant monitor of our weight and it only made us try to avoid her. My older D tends to be a little overweight and with some effort I’ve managed never to say a word. Younger one had borderline anorexia and is now normal weight - she was very grateful when I got involved. You know your kid and will do the right thing.</p>
<p>D1 gained a lot of weight freshman year (10-15). I sat her down and told her that I didn´t think it was healthy. I offered for her to see a nutritionist to help her eat better. She ended up talking to H, who is a health nut and he worked out a diet for her. Since freshman year, she has lived off campus and is able to control what she eats. She buys fresh food to cook for herself, instead of processed food. She also cut back a lot on drinking, which were probably source of her calories.</p>
<p>Resist the urge to comment, unless it’s a very substantial gain. You’ve already had the conversation; it will be perceived as nagging. Perhaps it’s already at that point (in her mind).</p>
<p>She’s roughly 20 years old; she knows she’s gaining weight, and she knows what she has to do.</p>
<p>I second Mister K’s response. Do not make commentary unless she asks for advice. I would make sure to keep your home dietary habits healthy so when she comes home, she gets healthy meals.</p>
<p>She is obviously aware of her weight and can obtain the information she needs to handle the issue. As an obese person, I can tell you that commentary can provoke more anxiety which can cause more over-eating. </p>
<p>My DS also has a weight issue which developed in elementary school. My H and I resisted comments and just concentrated on healthy eating at home and we exercised daily. We never pressured him to join us. On his own, my DS decided to work out every day in college. Then this year, (he is a senior), he asked me for help in locating a nutritionist. He is currently working with one at his school and his health is steadily improving.</p>
<p>Also Polyglot included a quote from Chua (of Tiger Mom fame). She (Chua) is completely wrong!! Many anorexic girls come from families where discussion of dieting is a daily occurrence!! (Take a look at the HBO documentary “Thin” to get the picture; you can find it on You Tube).</p>
<p>Actually, current research suggests that social/familial issues don’t cause eating disorders either way. Current thinking is that people with “ED-wired” brains “fall into” anorexic patterns when triggered by weight loss (from diets or otherwise). Of course, because of the sociocultural norms, females are exposed to the pressure to diet more than males are, and genetic components may contribute to EDs running in families, but research is now discovering that anorexia doesn’t simply equal a disease of family dysfunction and social influences. In fact, one of the treatments that have been the most effective for anorexia by far is family-based treatment, where the family is actively engaged in refeeding the person with anorexia and guiding them to regain non-pathological eating habits. There’s a lot more to this than I’ve said here, of course, but I’d suggest looking at the current research in this area if you are interested.</p>
<p>The OP’s D’s case needs to be put into context -
In other words - she never had a weight issue until this last 6-9 months. </p>
<p>That’s better news than if she’s had an issue her entire life. It s/b easier for her to figure out the trigger (change of lifestyle or possibly depression since the BF breakup?), the method (alcohol, junk food for meals, junk snacks, no exercise), and how to reverse it.</p>
<p>Family dynamics come into play but I wouldn’t be able to sit around, see my D go through something like this, and not try to help her which would involve discussing it rationally (not criticizing or being demeaning) and helping to come up with an action plan and to be alert to any health/emotional issues contributing to it. There’s a difference between discussing the issue rationally and helpfully vs ‘telling her’ she’s overweight, is getting fat, is…, etc. which would be not only pointless but counter-productive.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t follow any advice from the Tiger Mother Chua.</p>
<p>I started gaining weight for the first time in my life while I was at college-- it turned out to be a thyroid issue, but it was upsetting nonetheless. I would have been MORTIFIED if my mother had said anything about it. If I were a child and she was responsible for my nutrition it would be different, but it is not any adult’s place to get involved in the weight of another adult. By college we are old enough to know we have to eat well and work out, and if we don’t know how to do those things we know we need to ask for help from a doctor or other trusted person or get on the computer and do some research. There is nothing to be gained but embarrassing the girl by bringing it up unless she pointedly asks for help. She is old enough to handle this for herself if she cares to do so, and if she isn’t mature enough to handle it without her mother’s help then she is not going to be mature enough to have the discipline needed to lose the weight either. This has to be her journey and by all means, help if she asks, but otherwise I say butt out. To do otherwise is the epitome of micromanaging. You wouldn’t want your mother commenting on your appearance, either. Grown women can handle this themselves and I think it is disrespectful to suggest otherwise. If my mom had butted in it would have been one surefire way to make sure I didn’t ask for her help when I needed it, and because she WAS respectful of my boundaries I felt comfortable enough to come to her when I thought something more might be going on to cause my weight problem.</p>
<p>And what makes Chua’s approach so pathetic and reprehensible, is that whenever a minor child living at home is fat, unless that child has a medical condition, it is the parents’ fault and responsibility that the child is overweight! What a horrible mother.</p>
<p>I picked up a few pounds living in the dorm my first year away from home. I kept thinking it was the dryer that was shrinking my clothes (seriously), since we had only clothesline-dried clothes at home. When I came home for the summer, mom just said one sentence to me, “You look very “healthy;” lose some weight.” She debunked my dryer-shrinking theory, and I set about & promptly lost the weight over the summer by cutting out snacks, junk food and sugar, as well as having a very active summer watching kids at the summer recreational program.</p>
<p>I agree that if it’s a recent issue that your D has had, you can offer her a complete physical, including check on thyroid function & possible health issues that may be affecting her weight like those mentioned by others above. Thyroid function CAN affect weight as well, tho it is a less common issue in young folks.</p>
<p>20$ Opinion
Its in basic human genes. This is the age group, biologically, when babies are made and where the moms need the extra mass to maintain them.</p>
<p>For me, it really was not realizing that I couldn’t blame snug clothing on the dryer (never had a weight problem before & was always comfortable in my clothing). I realized also that the dorm cafe just had way too much food & I needed to pace myself & just eat appropriately rather than like there was no tomorrow. Mindfulness worked for me and I got back to the same weight I had been for many years prior to college & stayed there. We do have choices about how fit or not we decide to stay, especially if we’re not planning on starting any family soon.</p>
<p>Great thread mom3939–a problem many parents have no doubt wondered how to deal with. Useful suggestions on both sides of the coin which I may need next year as D will be a freshman. I come from the skinny gene pool and D takes after H’s side. My MIL has always had a weight problem, has lost as much as 100 lbs. more than once, generally obese since H’s childhood. So D and I have always talked about exercise and making good food choices but easier said than done. She’s a healthy weight now, has always been athletic but will be less so in college. In her case, if she does gain weight next year, she’ll know it and won’t want to hear about it from me, even though we are close, much like Emaheevul said. But you know your own daughter better than any of us.</p>
<p>Her weight gain may just be a college thing. It happened to me, skinny as I was, and probably for the same reasons (drinking, junk food, late nights, sporadic exercise, irregular sleep). Hit my peak sr yr, had stayed at school for summer classes and hadn’t lost what I normally gained each yr. At 146 lbs., grandma said no one in our family had ever been that fat! I was motivated but didn’t work hard at it and the weight started to work itself off anyway. Graduation, working world, real life probably all helped. Since your D didn’t have a problem before, and you don’t, perhaps her case will be similar.</p>
<p>Still hard to watch now. What are her roommates like–weight, food habits, exercise, sleep patterns, drinking, etc.? I always found it more fun to diet/work out with a friend for the accountability and social aspect. Try to educate her without pushing her to “do” something. Of course, she may not see the difference there. As some have mentioned, she might not actually know the reality of calories, esp. alcohol, portion size, metabolism and late-night eating, and getting enough sleep. I wish you both well.</p>
<p>What’s more delicious than black & white cookies, ice cream sundaes, sloppy sub sandwiches and all? They’re tough to compete with when your feeling stressed…</p>
<p>More delicious? Being told you are beautiful, intelligent and admired… All girls know they need to lose pounds- DON’T make it worse with “helpful” words. </p>
<p>Your approval and expressed confidence in their judgement is most important.</p>
<p>Perhaps she went to the health center and was prescribed an anti depressant to get through BF break-up. I know several people who have gained a lot of weight in a very short period of time. One gained 30 lbs in 6 weeks- and even when the drug was stopped (she was more depressed about the weight than her other issues.) the weight was v-e-r-y slow to come off. But, pot and birth control are also hard on a girl.</p>
<p>The new zip lock steam bags are a life saver when it comes to getting young adults to make vegi’s and fish on a regular basis when they cook for themselves. Everything done perfectly in less than 5 mins. Now, beat that as fast food! Maybe introduce these to her in the summer.</p>
<p>One last thought…it is not always true that one is aware how much weight they have gained. Sometime you just don’t “see” it…until a certain picture is taken or a shopping trip for a special dress wakes you up. </p>
As some have mentioned, she might not actually know the reality of calories, esp. alcohol, portion size, metabolism and late-night eating, and getting enough sleep. I wish you both well.</p>