Daughter in long distance relationship-need book suggestions

Parent Cafe
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<p>So my D is in a long distance relationship and this past weekend visited her BF. It was the first time they saw each other since August. The encounter was out of a movie, they ran towards each other and hugged and kissed, my D said they were so nervous they were shaking. </p>

<p>But now they are missing each other all over again, waiting anxiously for Thanksgiving to see each other. I came to CC for some perspective, and already have asked about the high’s and low’s of having this type of relationship. </p>

<p>I saw some threads were they talk about how different it was in the past without skype and cell phone, and I thought that maybe I can find a book/novel about a long distance romance that worked and how they were able to work it out. Maybe reading about how hard it was before or when the separation is longer (military families come to mind) will make it easier, put it in perspective or at least give them something to think about. They both like to read so I thought it would be a nice gift.</p>

<p>Any suggestions?</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

<p>P.S.: Happy endings preferred!</p>

2

<p>Why not simply let these kids figure it out for themselves? Long distance relationships, especially at this age, usually fizzle out. Giving them books/movies with happy endings may send the message (and create the pressure) that mom WANTS it to work out.
This may be a case where it’s best to just stay positive and supportive, but not involved.</p>

3

<p>There is a big line between “Out of sight…out of mind” and “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”.</p>

<p>Sounds like you like the current “boyfriend”. But I would butt out big time. I had a friend who had practically picked out the china pattern for her D and the boyfriend. Of course once college came…that relationship fizzled. </p>

<p>Best to just be able to be the great cheerleader for your D…encouraging her to make lots of new friendships at college. If it was meant to be with the BF, he will still be there, but you really can’t control her life, and definitely not his life.</p>

4

<p>How old are they?</p>

<p>How long have they been together?</p>

<p>Has this fall been the first time they’ve been apart?</p>

5

<p>Support your daughter’s decisions, but stand back so you don’t get hit by the wreckage if the relationship falls apart. Long-term relationships fail and fall apart more easily than “in-person” relationships, particularly at an age where the parties are still growing and changing day by day.</p>

6

<p>Great advice. It’s so hard to control the urge to ‘help’ when you see them so sad and missing each other so much. I know its the right thing to do, so I will stand back.
This is the first time they are appart. The are college freshmen both, she’s 19, he’s almost 19.
They have been together since June this year, but spent pretty much the entire summer seeing each other on a daily basis and have kept in constant contact from August until this past weekend. They still keep in touch of course. During the summer when there was a day they couldn’t see each other it was almost catastrophe.
And yes I do like him, he treats her very well, is sweet, respectful, a gentleman, nice kid overall. But I’m not ready to start planning any weddings just yet, they are way too young.</p>

7

<p>My D is also in a long-distance relationship, for her it’s almost 2 years. Like your D, this fall is the first time they have been apart (750 miles). But she’s coming home for break this weekend and will be splitting her time between us and the BF (who attends college nearby). </p>

<p>I don’t know of any books about this, but I did see some good advice in a college guide:

  1. Being happy at your college doesn’t mean you’re being disloyal to the long-distance-love. It’s possible - and preferable - to love your BF/GF and still be happy and involved at your own college.
  2. The reverse is also true - being miserable doesn’t mean you’re being loyal.
  3. Trust is everything. If you don’t trust each other, it won’t work. That includes trusting each other to have new friendships with members of the opposite sex.</p>

<p>I don’t know if my D and her BF will stay together. It’s up to them. But I’m kind of glad they stayed together at least for this beginning of frosh year. It’s kept both of them out of the “random-hook-up” atmosphere that sometimes comes with college parties and social life. </p>

<p>AND… last summer my son started dating a girl from our hometown, now they are seniors in college 4 hours apart. So I guess I’ve got 2 with LDRs. These older two have no idea where they’ll be next year - he’s job hunting, and she’s looking at grad schools. They seem happy just living in the moment, which is probably the best way to handle it.</p>

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<p>The are college freshmen both, she’s 19, he’s almost 19.
They have been together since June this year,</p>

<p>They’re just in the early stages of romance…who knows if it will last.</p>

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<p>MY D and her BF are celebrating their 2nd year together next month and this is their second year apart. Last year was very hard for both of them but they hung in there and this year was not nearly as bad when my D left. They both said it that we made it through one year and it was not as bad as they thought. They both took the opportunity to get involved in their respective school activities and trusted each other %110. Both of them got into clubs and organizations that they probably would not have if they were together. The one I laugh at is that they found out that they could both take a Yoga class at the same so they did. Just before the class they would text each other and then when it was over they would text again and talk about what their class was like. There are a few TV shows that they both like so they made plans to both watch the shows at the same while on either skype or some other chat service and talk to each other during the show. (my D says the only thing missing was the shoulder to cuddle up to) It took some planning and commitment but they did it and now the same plans are taking place this year. They are extremely supportive of each other and the school work that needs to be done and I really believe that they are both doing really well in college because they are apart and are not feeling the need to be together just because they can. We are supportive to both of them as are his parents without sticking our noses in their private life. We listen, offer a shoulder to cry on, and chear when things go well. Wish them luck, patience and encourage them to still include each other in their day to day lives without interfeering with their schooling.</p>

10

<p>My D has been dating the same young man for almost three years, and they’ve been apart for more than two years of that (she’s now a college junior at a school that’s 300 miles away from his.) I guess you could say they are “old hands” at this. They are both very dedicated students with excellent grades and they are both involved in things outside of the classroom. I would also say they are both “mature for their age” (if that makes sense. Sometimes they seem more like thirty-year-olds than teens, and that’s both good and bad.) </p>

<p>How do they make it work? They talk a lot and Skype a lot (like percussiondad’s daughter, they “watch TV together” on Skype.) They are supportive of each other and talk EVEYRTHING out. It helps that they are very similar in their personalities and outlooks – focused on studies, not big partiers, pretty pragmatic. As much as possible they include one another in their day-to-day lives. They see each other “in person” maybe once a month. My husband and I did the old long-distance thing back when I was working and he was in grad school, and I have to say it’s not the same type of situation at all; the whole “unlimited minute cell plan” and the invention of Skype make it completely different!</p>

<p>My role in all of this has been the sympathetic ear and the unflagging support system. Like percussiondad, I listen but I don’t offer advice unless I’m asked for it. For a while, I thought it would be “better” if they broke up when D went to school, but now I think that I didn’t give them enough credit. I see that they are good for each other and they are making it work. Who am I to judge? Be understanding and compassionate, and good luck!</p>

<p>P.S. – and no good book/film recommendations from me, either. Most that I’ve found can be a bit of a downer….</p>

11

<p>I only scanned the responses, because I don’t think any book will work.</p>

<p>Bullet and I dated for 5 1/2 yrs long distance. Sometimes we were 90 minutes away and sometimes we were on opposite coasts.</p>

<p>Our DS in college is in a long distance relationship. </p>

<p>Here was our advice:</p>

<p>Trust
Honesty
Respect</p>

<p>Believe it or not the folks on both sides of the child should fall into this too. Be honest with you child regarding the dynamics of the relationship, trust their emotions and respect their feelings…don’t poo poo it to puppy love.</p>

<p>IMHPO relationships in long distances fail because of these 3 issues.</p>

<p>This is college and they need to understand that while one is hanging out with a group of friends over the weekend, it doesn’t mean they are hooking up. The person who is going to the party on Friday night needs to be mature enough to say to them that I have a life here too, just like you have a life there. They need to respect each other regarding their emotions, and not play the “IF YOU LOVED ME” game…goes back to trust, honesty and respect.</p>

<p>In the 5 1/2 yrs I dated Bullet only 1 yr if you tally summers and winter breaks were we together. I trusted him that he wouldn’t cheat and he trusted me. Our only communication was snail mail and long distant phone calls…life now is much easier with texting, cell phones, skype, etc. We made it because of trust, honesty and respect.</p>

<p>Parents also need to keep their noses out of it. This is their life. We raised great kids and they are growing into their own lives. My Mom has a cliche…I don’t sleep in their bed. You have to cut the strings, if the relationship ends, then you will be there to assist in picking up the pieces. Key word pieces.</p>

<p>You raised an intelligent daughter, this is her relationship, this is her life. Let her soar on her own.</p>

<p>I know that sounds harsh, but the more you become involved the more their relationship will warp. You have to trust, respect and honor that she is not the little girl that slept down the hall from your bedroom. She is now a woman who has to find her own way for herself…no book, no movie, no anecdote can help.</p>

<p>Tell her this is her life…she is the picture and you are only the frame that holds it.</p>

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<p>“1) Being happy at your college doesn’t mean you’re being disloyal to the long-distance-love. It’s possible - and preferable - to love your BF/GF and still be happy and involved at your own college.
2) The reverse is also true - being miserable doesn’t mean you’re being loyal.
3) Trust is everything. If you don’t trust each other, it won’t work. That includes trusting each other to have new friendships with members of the opposite sex.”</p>

<p>Wow, I totally love this. Is it ok if I print it out and paste it on the forehead of my S when he comes home for fall break this weekend!? :)</p>

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<p>wow, I just read the OP previous posts-
Step. Back.
I suggest this book, for *mom *to read.
[Letting</a> Go (Fifth Edition): A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years by Karen Levin Coburn, Madge Lawrence Treeger](<a href=“http://www.harpercollins.com/browseinside/index.aspx?isbn13=9780060521264]Letting”>http://www.harpercollins.com/browseinside/index.aspx?isbn13=9780060521264)</p>

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<p>I think the responses are all interesting. I think that long term relationships can and do work. I do, however, find it creepy that mom knows details about the reunion and is wanting to encourage the happy ending to this relationship. Of course, I have boys, so I never know anything and I never get too involved with anyone. ymmv, but it has worked for me!</p>

15

<p>or Flaubert’s MADAME BOVARY</p>

<p>About a woman who bases her relationships on romance novels. (it doesn’t end well)</p>

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<p>Mom…You mean well but you should probably not say too much either for or against. I learned alot with my own daughter and her long distance relationship. My daughter has been back with her long term boyfriend after a breakup her freshman year and the boy he once was is not that boy anymore. Now I keep my mouth quiet and my ear open if she wants to talk.</p>

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<p>abasket, I bought D “The Naked Roommate” guide to college, and someone else gave her an advice book about college. She left them both on the coffee table all summer, then took them to school with her, but I had flipped thru them when they were on the coffee table. I can’t remember which book I saw those 3 points in, but I think it was the Naked Roommate book.</p>

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<p>Madame Bovary – how funny! S2 and GF both had to read this in IB and share a passionate disdain for the Madame.</p>

<p>Agree that Letting Go is a great book for parents on many levels and issues.</p>

<p>S2 and GF have been together nearly three years, got into three of the same schools and chose to attend different ones. They are six hours apart by bus, about the same by air since there are connections involved. They started talking about LDR issues junior year of HS, including the need to get out and meet new friends and get involved with college life besides studying and missing one another. Neither one is the jealous type. They Skype and talk on the phone, and she just visited S over her fall break. They have made many good, mature decisions both individually and together over the past three years, and I am proud of both of them. </p>

<p>DH and I were long-distance for a year, back when we had to pay for phone calls ($400/mo.). Got engaged after a year and I then moved to his city and we were married another none months after that.</p>

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<p>123Mom - I know exactly the where you are coming from…my name is cayman and i am a recovering relationship interferer :slight_smile: It is very easy to get way too involved, particularly when you think you are protecting your child or trying to avoid having them hurt, or trying to extend the happiness they may be feeling at the moment… I’ve found to my detriment the more involved I am in my daughter’s relationship the more likely i’ll be faced with a situation of taking sides or being seen as the enemy. </p>

<p>I know it is tremendously difficult to stay out and let things take whatever course they will take, it is what must be done…I’m certainly not perfect. In fact only a week or so ago I struggled with this very same question of “how to bite my tongue”</p>

<p>So perhaps maybe you can distract yourself from your daughter’s current state of affairs by reading the books or watching the movies yourself. Then have a good old sappy cry because you miss your baby and you can’t imagine how the years flew by so quickly and when that’s all done well hey-then Thanksgiving will be here and then the holidays and boom before you know it she’ll be home for a little visit!!</p>

<p>So my sappy recommendations are: </p>

<p>Books: The Notebook, Twilight Series, The Namesake (i don’t know why just a bit melancholy of a book), </p>

<p>Movies: Love Actually, 4 Weddings & a Funeral, Sliding Doors, Benjamin Button, </p>

<p>Hope that helps… and hey if you get the urge to interfere there’s always the “say it here cuz you can’t say it anywhere else” thread. I use that one a lot these days.</p>

<p>BTW- My husband and I were in separate countries for much of the early days of our relationship and actually only spent 10 days actually together before we were married. That’s been quite a number of years ago way before skype and unlimited telephone calls and I used to treasure each letter I’d get in the mail. I still have everyone one!</p>

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<p>If you want a nice distracting movie watch Sliding Doors - all the ways Gyneth Paltrow’s love and career might work out depending on whether or not she catches the train.</p>

<p>I was madly in love sophomore year to a guy who decided to take the next semester off. He never wrote, I found a new guy and he came back disappointed. The new guy went and spent his junior year in Taiwan. We both found new loves. I actually managed to stay with that one (still married more than 30 years later), even though we spent three years on opposite coasts. It’s really, really hard to stay together when you are very young.</p>