<p>Our daughter with one day left in the semester just decided to bail out on school. Papers were almost complete and only 1 more final to take. She left yesterday for a meeting and never came back to finish what she needed to do. Her grades were looking great and all she needed to do was finish up. She pulled what she always does… the last minute bail. It has been her pattern since college started 3 years ago and one of the reasons she is not longer at her LAC. My husband now wants her to move out because we just can’t do this anymore. We just don’t understand how someone with so much potential could throw her grades away at the end of every semester. I have not slept and I am sick of this &%$%.</p>
<p>What the heck is this behavior? How does someone do this? She probably had straight A’s going into finals or pretty close and now one of the classes in her major will probably just make a passing grade. Four of her six classes will be effected by this. It seems like anytime the boyfriend is preparing for his entrance back into her life (home from break) she just flips out and does something like this.</p>
<p>Momma, I am so sorry to hear this. I have followed your posts on this.</p>
<p>Maybe she can get an extension on the papers and make up the final?</p>
<p>Is she still seeing a therapist? (you don’t have to answer - its kind of rhetorical if you know what I mean.) Your questions are what she should be asking herself. It is hard to understand why a boyfriend would want someone to skip out on things that should be a priority. From you descriptions, it doesn’t sound like he would let his own finals slide by. </p>
<p>She was not with him last night she just didn’t come home and blew off everything that had to be turned in today including taking the final. She gets the deer in the headlights thing going, and just shuts down. We are beside ourselves that we see this everytime the breaks roll around and my sons are coming home and her boyfriend is in town. She did the same thing during midterms when he came in for a short break (schools on different schedule). </p>
<p>What would make someone do this???</p>
<p>abasket…She is in her third year. This has gone on each semester and every break when family and her friends are due to come home.</p>
<p>I don’t see this as throwing in the towel, instead it seems more like very self-destructive behavior. </p>
<p>While I typically think it’s a terrible idea for parents to contact professors, in this case I would call her professors, explain that she is going through some kind of personal crisis and ask for Incomplete. </p>
<p>I don’t know about throwing her out of the house but I do know that I would not pay for anymore college until a therapist told me she was ready. Which mean skipping the Spring semester and putting in some serious time in therapy.</p>
<p>Pudmadkate… I agree that it is self destructive behavior. It happens all the time and after being up now for almost two days I am about to explode. She has no car and called and asked if we could pick her up. Her father told her to start walking because we are not getting her. I just can’t believe this. As far as her tuition payment…it was made last week and the check cleared already. That was the first thing I checked on this morning. I am sick to my stomach with no sleep… all I want to do right now is scream. </p>
<p>Where do we go from here? That is all I keep asking myself. I just can’t keep going through this over and over. She sees her therapist, is on meds, and yet when the end is in sight she just screws things up. It is obvious what is going on but what to do from here is another story.</p>
<p>Momma-three - No advice, just Wow! Therapist needs to know what has happened and that it is a pattern with her. Do you think she will tell the Therapist? You must be so frustrated. I hope you get some good sleep tonight.</p>
<p>So sorry for your pain, get yourselves to a counselor! Often a counselor can help the parents & the child. Possibly your D is bi polar and that may be the reason behind her behavior. But you won’t know unless you seek professional help for her.</p>
<p>If you’ve read any of my posts, you know that I have experience with a child with disappointing college behavior. But I’m going to talk about my sister. Bright woman. Got her college degree at 46. Between 18 and 41 (okay, probably between 8 and 41), LOTS of stress for my parents. For all of those years, she had a sucky life - no money, bad housing, no new clothes, no health care. She is clinically depressed, so she probably endured the sucky life longer than many would have. Perhaps your D needs to be out in the world expereincing real life and that will motivate her to finish things.</p>
<p>Slumon…We have been to many doctors and a few therapist already. The diagnosis of bi polar has never been discussed and I doubt that is it…but this is a patrern and we are always on the merry go round. My husband looks like he is close to tears yet he says he has had enough. We are beyond words right now.</p>
<p>Missypie…That is what my husband says yet he does not want her to leave until she has completed school.</p>
<p>My husband found her papers on the flash drive. One paper needed the citations and the other needed a closing and citations. The rest all seemed like they were minutes away from being done. He is standing here in utter shock not believing what he is seeing. It is clear that the deadline for submission has passed and we have still not seen or heard from her since my husband told her to walk home. It does not even make sense that she had all of these papers close to completion but moved on to begin other papers.</p>
<p>How hard this must be for you and your husband!
It sounds like you’ve tried to understand what the issue is, but either the therapist is unable to discover it or your daughter herself doesn’t know what it is. You could go “tough love” on her and pull out all financial and emotional support, but somehow her behavior kind of sounds like a cry for help. It’s as if she can hold it together and study and learn and get good grades but then she deliberately self-sabotages her transcript. Why? Maybe low self-esteem (aided by said loser boyfriend)? Feeling that deep down, she didn’t earn or deserve her success? Fear that if she’s a “too smart” or “too successful” woman she won’t have a boyfriend? Buried resentment/anger issues and she’s trying to get back at you or your husband but in reality she’s hurting herself? Something’s going on in her very capable head and it’s not at a rational level. I bet she knows she’s screwing up her own life. But when the semester wraps up, she gets the “deer in the headlights” look – you said it yourself – she shuts down – it’s like having an irrational disabling fear of spiders. Or a complete anxiety attack. There’s something going on there, and it’s buried pretty deep. You don’t know what it is, and she might not be able to articulate it either. Try a new therapist and sit in (if you can) on one session. Keep us posted.</p>
<p>momma-three Sorry this is going on. I mentioned in a previous thread that your daughter seems to have a borderline personality in which self-destructive behaviors is the norm. It’s very tough to deal with and there is no easy fix and therapy for insight and meds are necessary. I am sorry that you’re dealing with this.</p>
<p>Another thought – is it possible it’s deliberate yet unconscious emotional manipulation on her part? Was she always the perfect child with perfect grades? Maybe she’s “testing” your commitment to her (even though she’s playing with fire – her own future)? Maybe she wants to know you love her if she screws up, big time. I know you love her – you wouldn’t be so upset if you didn’t – but what’s going on in her head may be something wierd and different.</p>
<p>The college will surely reimburse next semester’s tuition if your D does not enroll for classes. I suggest you talk to the appropriate person at your D’s college and say that she needs to take a medical leave. It doesn’t make any sense to send her back until she is ready. Maybe she could live at home next semester if she has a job and pays room and board. Or if she can’t get a paid job, she could do volunteer work and “pay” you by doing the housework and cooking.</p>
<p>Your D obviously has great potential and she can be helped. You can communicate with her therapist, even if the therapist can’t communicate back, due to confidentiality. You could write a letter to the therapist to make sure he/she has at least your perspective about what’s going on.</p>
<p>Best wishes. This must be very, very tough!</p>
<p>That is odd! Do you think she had a traumatic meeting of some sort or is she just overwhelmed? I can’t imagine what I would do in your shoes…I’m pretty sure it would involve the kid choosing between paying back ALL of the expenses for that semester by working full time or contacting each professor immediately and either requesting an incomplete or a late submission of the final paper due. Given her good grades, it’s possible they’ll take the paper a day late with only a small penalty - my D missed a final paper deadline in a class she took last summer by three days (due to a date change not posted in the usual spot). She didn’t realize it until she tried to submit the paper but emailed the prof, who was very understanding and gave her full credit. </p>
<p>Going forward would be the hard part…if it were possible, I’d probably make the kid take a loan to pay for each semester and reimburse them by paying off the agreed to percentage upon successful completion of their coursework. In any event, I would definitely be requesting a refund for next semester!</p>
<p>I am so sorry. Some kids take longer to find their way. There WILL be a tuition refund, but be aware that in most cases it is refunded to the STUDENT, no matter who sent the money. I know this because my friend’s stepdaughter faked several years at Arizona State and even faked her graduation!</p>