<p>I agree that you and your H need to stop paying for her to attend school. Her behavior is being reinforced by you continuing to support her, and her behavior likely won’t change until the reinforcement goes away.</p>
<p>Not that you need to force her to move out or anything super drastic, but there you have it.</p>
<p>(This is from a Junior in college who just finished a Learning & Behavior course…so don’t treat this as psychological fact. Just my $.02.)</p>
<p>op - this must be so frustrating for you, sorry that you are having to go through this. What has happened in the past when she has done this kind of thing? What is D’s gpa and how has she managed to continue? I agree that it is definitely time for a new plan, but finding one and putting it into action is going to take some real soul searching for you and H :(</p>
<p>Big hug to you this morning, momma. Hope you managed just a little sleep last night.</p>
<p>Please try to take care of yourself and your husband. Don’t let your daughter come between you. You are going to need to remind each other of all the things you did right as parents and not go back and hash over any mistakes (we all made them). If you haven’t already, talk to your doctor about some anti-anxiety meds for you to help you as needed through this time. Hang in there.</p>
<p>I join in the chorus of sympathy for your plight. You have struggled long and hard, and lovingly, to try to save her. If you can get her to contact the professors, explain that she is in therapy and having a very difficult time, and get them to accept her papers late, that would be good. But if not, not. So be it. Even if she complies with this, I think that it’s time to pull the plug. She needs to go out and make a life for herself now. No more financial support from you, including living at home. Maybe eventually she will get a degree, maybe not. Perhaps if she is taking courses on her own nickel, she will learn to value them more. But you and your H need to take care of yourselves now.</p>
<p>What puts me over the edge is her calling to get her dress and shoes. She is divorced from reality. Some of it is undoubtedly mental illness, but some of it sounds like narcissism.</p>
<p>You describe her actions as a pattern. She does this every semester. Why? What does she get out of it? The drama? The attention? Mom and Dad dropping everything to rescue her? I can see you and your husband staying up all night, talking about her, worrying about her, racking your brains to figure out how to help her, starting a new semester with high hopes then…the awful dread that it’s happening all over again. She’s getting something from this, consciously or unconsciously. If you can figure out what, you might be on the road to dismantling her behavior. </p>
<p>I feel so bad for you. But it sounds like you are ready to say “enough”.</p>
<p>As a college administrator and part time prof, I’d caution against calling professors. Most do not want to hear from parents. However, there should be an academic dean or advisor assigned to your daughter. Even with FERPA restraints, you will have a better chance of making some leeway with that person rather than the profs. I emailed with S’s dean when he ran himself into his own rough patch. She was very open to discussion and did try to help (not with profs, but in other ways). Ultimately, it probably did not change anything, honestly, but I felt better for trying. He left school senior year almost three years ago and hasn’t returned.</p>
<p>He’s still a good person, works full time, though long term planning is a little sketchy. My sympathies to you–I *know *the frustration.</p>
<p>Calling the professors will continue the mother/daughter relationship that has lead to this event occuring.</p>
<p>The cycle will need to be broken for anything to be fixed. It will require firmness on the mothers part.</p>
<p>In other words, stop paying for college (she already has a degree) and let her decide what she wants to do with her life. If she wants to return to college, let her pay for it.</p>
<p>I was just going to write that. At many schools that is the Dean of Students. I recommend calling him or her and talking about what is happening and asking how he or she recommends you handle the school issue. I guarantee this is not the first time they have dealt with this problem.</p>
<p>Your daughter’s problems go far beyond the school problem . . . I wish you much patience in helping her.</p>
<p>My suggestion would be for you and your husband to get back the tuition money and to go, after the holidays, on a trip together, without any of your children and without your cell phones. </p>
<p>I’d lock up the house, with new locks, tell her you can’t trust her at the house without supervision and contact the relative who “took her in” in the midst of your situation to take her in for the time you are gone. “You want this problem? Fine. It’s yours.”</p>
<p>I’m not suggesting this out of meanness. i just really think that your daughter belongs in a job and not in school. She can always go back when SHE wants to be there.</p>
<p>Good luck to you. It can be really unbearable when people refuse to do what you want, especially when you “know” it is the right thing.</p>
<p>I have not walked in your shoes and so can’t know what it is like and can only observe from the outside. I feel badly for all the struggles and challenges you have faced with your daughter that you have shared here (not just this thread). I recall you brought her home from her LAC. Then she lived with you. At another point, she cut off from you and lived with friends or her boyfriend. Later, you brought her home and wanted her to live with you and she attended a local school. She has now dropped out of the semester just as it was ending. I hope I have that chronology correct. </p>
<p>In my view, first, I’d sit down with D to find out what SHE wants. Does SHE want to be in college or is that something you and your husband want for her and she was complying? I would no longer pay for college if she is not going to see it through. Her going to college is not what is most important right now, even though it is understandable to want her to have a degree. If she isn’t into it, then it is not worth the effort or money. She can always go back when she is wanting to do it. IF that happens down the line, you could set it up that she pays for it or takes loans out for it and if she completes it, then you will help her pay that back but otherwise, it is her dime. </p>
<p>School aside, I think it is time for your D to be independent and living on her own as she is 20 or 21. She should get a job and support herself. I would set that expectation and perhaps give her two months living expenses until she secures the job. She needs to make her own decisions and be independent of you and support herself. This isn’t to be mean but it is the appropriate path for her age. You could be supportive of her seeking this new path and be helpful and talk about job searches and apartment hunting and what not. But the expectation is that she lives on her own (she isn’t a child and if she were in college at her LAC like she was originally, she wouldn’t be under your wing) and that she support herself as you cannot waste money on college that she doesn’t take seriously and apparently doesn’t truly want right now. Then, be supportive in helping her set up her new life of independence, but firmly give a date when she must support herself financially and be out of the house. You might have a parent/child session with the therapist to discuss what your child wants and how to make this work. </p>
<p>I am so sorry to hear the saga about your dd. I hope the college could understand and refund your money for the next semester. There must be some mental problem with your dd and you need to resolve that. If the current therapist cannot do the job, I also suggest that you find another that can. I am wondering this behavior will continue even she is in the society. The consequences of throw in the towel behavior will be much sever in the society than when she is in the college. Afterall, attending a college is just on your dime, had she exhibit the same behavior in the society, she would have been on the street sooner or later.</p>
<p>That is true. However, I don’t believe she can, otherwise she would not repeat this action over and over. If OP lock her out, physically or mentally, she will be totally disoriented and be on the street right away. She needs help, badly, from her family while the family still are capable.</p>
<p>Wow. I am so sorry for the stress, pain and anxiety you are going through. </p>
<p>The thought that came to my mind was - maybe D is just plain fearful. Fearful of completing whatever current semester or life phase she is in and thus having to start the next phase. This behavior strikes me as a very effective mechanism for remaining a dependent child. One who is cared for financially and physically. It is easy to say she needs tough love - which I do think is the best next approach - but so very hard to actually DO when it is your own child.</p>
<p>May the peace of the Christmas season somehow find its’ way into your life.</p>
<p>Very hard to give a position on this as it could be many things. I understand the fear to succeed issue but this seems to be an extreme case of that. Until some determination can be made as to the motivating factor - brain chemistry vs manipulation, it may be better to err on the safe side.</p>
<p>I feel so bad for you and your husband, momma-three. I have no experience with these kind of issues, so my advice is from the outside looking in, but I think you & your h need to give yourselves permission to have a child who doesn’t get a college degree. You also need to give your daughter permission to not have to get a college degree. She has been telling you for 3 years (through her actions) that college is not for her at this time. When the time is right, she will find a way to finish college. The thing is, for her, that time may never come. </p>
<p>Is she capable of getting a job and moving out on her own? If so, I think this is what she needs to do at this time. If you think she is incapable of functioning away from home, I would let her stay, just so she doesn’t end up on the streets. She can work and pay for all her own dresses & shoes and whatever. The only thing I would pay for is mental health treatments, which she clearly needs.</p>
<p>The problem is that the D doesn’t respect basic house rules when she lives at home. She parties, spends the night away without letting Mom know, sleeping until 2 pm, and causes stress and anxiety for all parties involved. </p>
<p>Her staying home doesn’t make much sense at all.</p>
<p>My feeling is that people have a remarkable ability to take care of themselves when forced. If she actually fails in life and is actually on the street, mom can always take her back in. But I don’t think she ever would because she would make sure to take care of herself.</p>
<p>The last time her mom threw her out, she moved in with the boyfriend for a few months. She is very skilled at ensuring there is a roof over her head.</p>
<p>Let’s assume for the sake of argument, and because we do not have the clinical diagnosis, that the daughter in this case is not particularly mentally ill, but simply has some dysfuntional coping skills she needs to figure out. Perhaps she takes some medication for depression or anxiety, which, given the sheer number of people who take these types of meds, is a throw away in terms of ascertaining whether or not she has any kind of diagnosable or treatable mental illness.</p>
<p>Let’s just say that she reveals what matters to her through her actions. Her actions tell us that school isn’t what matters to her, right now. We might all be able to drag our children to a graduation, given the financial resources and energy and patience, but only 25% of the population will graduate with a degree. </p>
<p>I have one who is arguably not college material. Quite bright, incredible people skills, couldn’t give a damn about school. We are exploring lots of options. She might go to college to play a sport, since she is being recruited in two sports, but she might decide to go to culinary school or get her lisences to coach at the club level. </p>
<p>If I were to force her to go to college, which she may or may not decide to do, she would maybe get a mental illness along the way. Being endlessly placed in a situation where you cannot succeed or where you don’t want to be, and being endlessly told your lack of desire means “something is wrong with you” will give you some serious cognitive dissonance.</p>
<p>Let her get a job. Move on.</p>
<p>IMHO, it is our own refusal to look realistically at our chkldren which leads us to struggle with them in ways which are really not necessary at all. She’s not a student. She may find, some day, that there is something she wants to do which requires a degree, at which point her motivation will be personal and internal. College is not for everyone.</p>
<p>* I know this because my friend’s stepdaughter faked several years at Arizona State and even faked her graduation! *</p>
<p>That’s what that Mark Hacking did. He faked that he was going to college, getting his parents to pay, pretended to graduate (faking sick the day OF graduation), pretended to get into Medical school, then KILLED his wife Lori when she uncovered the lies. She had also been believing that her H had been going to school, had graduated, and had been accepted to UNC-CH medical school. She found out the truth when she called UNC-CH to find out their housing options. That night, she confronted her H and then he shot her dead while she was sleeping.</p>
<p>A friend of mine had been giving his child tuition money for college only to find out later that he wasn’t using the money for college.</p>
<p>This stuff happens…sadly.</p>
<p>Back to topic.</p>
<p>Mommathree…so sorry about all of this…I hope your D gets whatever help she needs. She seems to have some coping issues.</p>