But it looks like the mental health issues, allergies, and financial problems all affect each other, and they all constrain the options the OP has for any of them, so it is unlikely that the OP can set any of them aside to deal with one of them.
I knew it was SCAD before you told us. My advice is for her to try to finish out the current semester and request a leave of absence. She doesn’t have to return, but it may give her peace of mind to have not actually burned that bridge.
It is absolutely not necessary to go into that much debt for an art degree. I worked at a highly regarded graduate art program, and there were plenty of students with degrees from non-art schools who were well qualified. She should get her mental health in order, and it would be ideal if she makes work while doing so. If she can get to the point where she can show work (virtual and small-scale shows are happening), encourage her to do so. If she can do graphic design work, perhaps she can get a part time job doing that. If she has (or can develop) social media skills, that’s even better. Colleges and businesses hire part time for these jobs, and it could be a good thing to do for now.
Parents want our kids to finish what they started, but sometimes it is best for them to take a step back. Yes, her loans will go into repayment … but a huge chunk of her loans are accumulating interest on an ongoing basis … so it’s not like she is ahead by just taking on more debt in order to avoid going into repayment. If she truly needs to avoid repayment, she should meet with a community college academic advisor to discuss options that make sense for a part time program (must be at least half time). She should work part time, as well.
I cringe whenever I see such huge debt. If she used her time at SCAD well to date, she should have accumulated some skills that she can use to earn money. If not, she probably should consider her path carefully as she goes forward.
I just want to add to Publisher’s comment. During my kid’s years-long struggle, sometimes it all became just too much to deal with, but we did best when we kept focus on each thing that came up. I do think it’s important to keep perspective. $100K is a huge amount of debt, but right now it’s important to look forward. While all related, each of those issues may seem more manageable when tackled separately.
(One note, in my case I ended up with a lot of loans too, not quite $100K in today’s dollars but not that far off. And I paid them off, and self-funded my masters. I was poor for a very long time, but just know that it can be done. )
@ucbalumnus : I never suggested that OP “set aside” any problem to focus exclusively on one. I suggested that one’s perspective could lead one to prioritize issues.
And, in my view, the daughter’s mental health is the most important concern. Utilizing readily available treatments for allergies would allow OP to more effectively handle the mental illness & financial issues. Otherwise–if OP’s daughter drops out & pays rent for separate living quarters–the mental health & financial issues most likely will be exacerbated.
Cat allergies can be severe, progressive and life-threatening. Time to ditch the cat and move home.
Does OP have severe, life-threatening cat allergies ?
Just to add another perspective on cat allergies (completely acknowledging that there are severe, and even life-threatening allergies), I’ve been allergic to cats my whole life and had itchy, teary, bloodshot eyes, runny nose and even hives when exposed to cats in childhood and adolescence. I was tested for the first time in my twenties and showed strong allergies to ALL animals, all grasses, pollens, mold spores and dust mites.
I still adopted 2 stray kittens in my 20’s, took antihistamines and blew my nose a lot but kept those cats until the end of their natural lives. In my 40’s, after having weekly allergy shots for a decade and 2 children, we again adopted 2 cats who lived until age 18. I still had symptoms from time to time but controlled them with hand washing and otc meds. Eventually, they receded to the point where I can pet and handle other people’s cats and as long as I take a Zyrtec and remember to not touch my eyes before washing my hands.
The point is, I was highly motivated to have these pets and was willing to make it work. I realize this may not work for everyone but most people’s allergies are much more easily managed nowadays and I would not let your daughter’s cat keep you from allowing her to move home unless your allergist tells you it would be dangerous to your health.
Important to remember that this is an emotional support cat.
Wow.
We’re not talking about a seeing eye dog here. This is a cat- who has not been in the D’s life for very long- who seems to have become the red herring (pardon my mixing of metaphors) for why the D can’t do what makes sense financially and professionally- which is to come home, get a job, start paying off the very substantial loans, and reorient with the help of a professional.
I know adults who are mired in debt because they couldn’t move to the cheap or free housing arrangement because (pick one) their Celiac means they can’t live in a home where there is gluten in the house (not true medically), because being an introvert means they can’t take the offer of free rent since it means sharing a kitchen (not the bedroom, not a bathroom, and not a living/family room, just the kitchen) with someone who is an extrovert, and because as a person going through a divorce, living with roommates who were never married and still dating would be “triggering”.
People have all sorts of reasons for making short-sighted decisions which is why I suggested counseling in my first post. We don’t know if the OP’s allergies are life-threatening or merely inconvenient- we don’t know if the D could give up the cat but is using it as an excuse for not moving home, we don’t know if there’s anyone else in the picture (aunt, cousin, grandma) who would welcome the D AND the cat.
But a professional can likely pierce some of the circular reasoning and help the family get control of this situation. D picked the wrong program- ok, lesson learned. Dad reluctantly bit off more than he could chew in loans- ok, lesson learned. Covid made a program which the D wasn’t enjoying even worse- no lessons there except to stop throwing more tuition at a degree the D may not even want any longer. Mom wants to thread the needle with a solution that keeps the D happy and stable (for sure that’s the goal), doesn’t upset the apple cart in terms of the family dynamic (might not be realistic) and doesn’t reveal to D how worried they are about the loans and the payback (for sure not realistic).
Get a trained outsider’s perspective. And follow your own doctor’s orders about your allergies whether they are mild, moderate, or severe.
I realize this isn’t technically a cat allergy thread but wanted to drop this in: Claritin and Zyrtec do nothing for me, but Flonase literally changed my life. You have to make sure to use it for several days before expecting to see a change - many people give up too soon, it takes about 10 days to work. Signed, happy mom of two longhaired cats.
OP has only said that they are “extremely allergic to cats”, but not much else. It is possible that they do not know what mitigations are possible (if any).
No idea what your home is like, but would there be any possibility of setting up daughter and cat in a back yard “granny pod” type scenario? It could pay for itself in saved rent pretty quickly, solve the allergy problem, and perhaps provide a healthier level of autonomy for a returning adult than moving back into her childhood bedroom. Obviously not every family has a property that could accommodate this, but just running it up the flagpole in case. (Or it could even be more basic - just an art studio where cat could also live, but daughter could live inside the house.) This could be seen as just throwing more money at the situation, but then again… just putting it out there in case.
This is a tough situation. Rehoming an emotional support animal would be hard. Then again… it seems that things reached this difficult point because your daughter’s desires were prioritized over practical considerations. It’s definitely a judgment call that nobody but the people involved have enough information to assess, but it’s worth considering that it might be time for the approach to shift a bit toward the options being dictated by difficult realities. This has to be balanced, as others have said, with weighing what her true basic needs are at this point, in terms of her mental health and ability to move forward. There are no easy answers, and I wish you all the best.
WOW. LOL
I do not understand your post, but it seems clear that the daughter needs to move home in order to make the finances work.
Whether or not the emotional support cat can be accommodated is something that the family will have to determine as there are too many unknowns based on the information shared in this thread.
Again, just to bring the topic back, during COVID I would not make any permanent decisions or burn any bridges.
Michelle Obama said 70% of Americans are depressed during this pandemic. Put that on top of a preexisting depression and you have possible paralysis.
School isn’t the same and there is a lot of isolation.
If she needs to leave, fine, she can take a leave. But I would leave all decisions for later.
@Publisher’s info on SCDA was sobering I must say. She still has a way to go to finish. While she heals, take time to research options but keep that one open if you can until she is sure.
OP, I wanted to also give you some support for putting your needs on the table as well. You are already in $100k debt for your daughter, and you have offered a reasonable and safe place to live upon her return. You do not have to, and should not, endanger your health and well-being in an effort to accommodate all of your daughter’s wishes. You need to take care of your own health and sanity before you can help others.
My daughter barely made it to the ER in time after a bad cat incident. It can happen, and repeated exposure makes it more likely. I had both cats and cat allergies when single, managed them fine, and never dreamed my child would suffer that way.
I also think re-home cat (somewhere near you) and withdraw/leave of absence, just to leave option of going back on the table. But honestly she may be able to find something she loves to do with the experience and classes she already has. Yes, get her transcript evaluated by somewhere less expensive so that you know where you stand. If her mental health is at stake I wouldn’t worry about classes that don’t transfer. Maybe she can come home, find a part time job (to pay off loans) work on her own art and take inexpensive CC course to fill some of the gaps she’ll have from being at SCAD.
I’ve known talented SCAD students that had paying jobs before finishing 4 years - hired more for talent than degree. Might hold true for her.
Instead of “re-home” her cat, if your allergies are too severe even with meds and keeping the cat isolated and/or outside, maybe you could see if you can let her cat have an “extended stay” with a friend or foster. If your daughter realizes that it doesn’t have to be a permanent re-homing then that may help. If you don’t have a relative or friend who might be willing there are rescue groups that foster cats and they may be willing to take it on temporarily while your daughter gets back on her feet. My kids have cats too and they really really do mean a lot to them.
We looked at SCAD, but it didn’t do it for mine. It is a cool school, but the expense is real for sure and I thought the vibe seemed kind of overly ambitious and very driven and my arty kid would do better in a more nurturing, chill, low-stress environment. My arty kid ended up taking a gap year last year after high school graduation and is continuing that this year with COVID. My kid also has anxiety and depression, but is actually doing a lot better now just hanging out, making art on their own terms. I was going to push for a job or school this year, but with COVID my husband and I just said forget it and we will pick that back up later. I think in many ways that is the best thing that we could have done, as we are seeing a lot of maturity now, but my kid is super-quirky personality-wise and just needs to come to things on their own terms. Not saying that would work for yours at all.
I think if she wants to come home, unless you think she is a danger to herself, tell her to finish out the quarter (is it nearly over?) and you can talk about it some more if she still wants to. It is a weird time now and COVID and the election is making it more stressful for everyone. It is possible, though not necessarily likely, that with the election next week(!) she might feel a little less external stress and dread once that is over and done with. And maybe she will be able to be a little more focused and clear-headed about the future.
I would consider emailing some local colleges and asking if some of her credits would transfer if she won’t feel like you are helicopter mom-ing it too much. I just like to have as much info as I can about possibilities. I am in NC and here I would look at schools like Guilford, UNC-Greensboro, and some of the community colleges. I don’t know how the CCs are in TN, but here in NC some of them have excellent specialized programs. There’s one in Randolph County (rural) that is renowned for their photography program and one in Wake Co (Raleigh) that has an excellent computer games & graphics program. Might be something like that in TN, too?
FWIW, we have a young relative with anxiety who had a full ride to SCAD, but it ended up not being a good fit and she bailed on it after attending for awhile. I am scared to ask/know about the finances, but I think she or her parents may owe money because she didn’t finish there. She ended up coming home, living with mom and dad and going to the local college in her home city majoring in art there. She is doing well now, living with her boyfriend and their cats and has her own art business. I hope y’all get through this rough patch and land in a similar spot.
I think the idea to just come home and work is easier said than done, during covid. We don’t know what the job situation is, where OP lives. There aren’t many Starbucks types of jobs going begging. Some comments here seem to imply you just go out and the jobs are there, as in pre-covid. Would OP’s D put in the effort/follow through and find something? Would it be enough and that employer stable enough that the job lasted?
Otoh, I think the parents need to put their foot down. Get to the root of the problem. Just stop facilitating this swirl. Understand their own role in this.
There are jobs that say they require a 4 year degree, but we all know folks hired with only a few years of college. It’s possible. But this has gone on so long that the hole just gets deeper, without intervention.
I agree, the D and parent(s) need counseling, that perspective and guidance. A good counselor can give them understanding, guide them through some deep self examination, and find the strength to say no. No more. (I always advocate the child have a counselor who specializes in this age group and clicks with the client, not someone random. )
100k in loans, I think OP realizes, is about 1k/month in payback. An awful burden. Not the sort of ball and chain that encourages personal growth.
There might be local adult friends or neighbors who could take the cat. Yes, all of this is going to take work.
Instead of paying $1000 per month for daughter and cat to live on their own, you could perhaps pay $50 a month for neighbor or friend to take the cat and allow visits by the daughter.
The recommendation for the student to return home and make work seems to have potential. It’s an opportunity to chalk up some wins. I’m wondering why the student is studying film when she prefers drawing and collage. Is this part of the problem? Is the atmosphere on campus contributing to it?
Since Covid changed the experience, students at my D’s university have been expressing feelings of depression/anxiety/fear/anger in large numbers. There’s a lot of turmoil and thrashing about online and in person. It’s difficult to live in the midst of that raw emotion and stay positive, focused, healthy. The atmosphere can be overwhelming.