<p>Definitely require that she live in a dorm at least the first year. Who knows what wild-haired ideas this kid has. He may think that you’re going to pay for an apt for your D and he can stay there, too. </p>
<p>Something doesn’t make sense. If he doesn’t have the money to go to college in his hometown, then I don’t see how he can afford to “go away” to school to attend a CC…especially if OOS. </p>
<p>I’m guessing that for him to “go away” to an instate CC will cost at least $15k per year. To go OOS, would likely cost $25k+ per year.</p>
<p>I agree that his presence will likely have a negative affect on your D’s college experience. He’s going to likely discourage her from doing too much on her campus, because that excludes him.</p>
<p>Speaking as a student and not a parent nothing would push me more into a relationship than being told not to have one or having limits put on it. Let it die a natural death it will. </p>
<p>Expensive tastes and wants might be a turnoff to some potential romantic partners… as well as causing potential college budget risks. Best to draw a clear line about the budget before she goes to college. Having her live in the dorm the first year should allow better regulation of costs, allowing you to let her feel the pain of running out of money without risking the baseline room and board.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t comment to her about his plans about following her. But I would make sure that to have the birth control talk with her because he may want this to be a permanent relationship…and a baby would be the next step.</p>
<p>You’re all painting the boy as some sort of devious life-wrecker. What the heck? It doesn’t matter if YOU like him, because your daughter obviously does. </p>
<p>A. From the gospel according to The Fantasticks:
</p>
<p>B. Generally speaking, there are four possibilities here, and your intervention will make none of them better:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>You have successfully communicated your values to your daughter, and you have an accurate read on this boy. Your daughter will make the problem (to the extent there really is one) go away if you leave her alone. Intervening at all will slow things down, as she will need to demonstrate independence from you.</p></li>
<li><p>You have successfully communicated your values to your daughter, but you have fundamentally misread the boy. You may have to live with the relationship for a long, long time. Your intervention now will cause decades of future pain. My mother did that, and lived to regret it.</p></li>
<li><p>You haven’t successfully communicated your values to your daughter, but the relationship is still going to die anyway. Your intervention, however, will be even more counterproductive than in #1.</p></li>
<li><p>You haven’t successfully communicated your values to your daughter, and it matters. But it’s too late to start now.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>My guess: the issue is that the parent thinks his D can possibly “do better.” Sound familiar to many of you here?</p>
<p>However, it is often the case that D’s perception of a “better” boyfriend is very different from that of her parent. There is actually a research about this difference.</p>
<p>My guess is that, if D’s family is of a higher socioeconomic background, this could more likely happen. (Daddy has taken care of everything I can possibly need/want except for a “trophy BF”, let me just concentrate on getting this!)</p>
<p>This happens not only for women (girl) but also for men (boy). Look at those queens (e.g., Elizabeth I) or kings who can have almost unchecked power to satisfy her/his need/want in this area, and observe who are selected to be in their “court”.</p>
<p>[Big sigh of relief] I was afraid this thread could be about my son. He’s a freshman and just transfered to his GF’s school. The only reason he’s going there is because of this girl. I was really nervous for him, and just hoped that if the girl had any second thoughts about the relationship, she would have mentioned it before the transfer. If they’re in a strong relationship, you can bet they’re planning out all the details. If your D has any hesitation about the plan, please encourage her to communicate this with the boy (i.e.“I’m joining this club, so I’ll be busy” or “We can see each other on the weekends” or “I don’t want to be in a relationship when I start college”)</p>
<p>There is nothing more irrational than young love. I would not even bridge the subject. If she says “John” is applying at “My Town Junior College” just say “that’s nice” (Southern for YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING?) And let it go. Do not address the issue at all. It will either die off or he will follow along. Either way YOU have NO control and trying to control it will only be counter productive.</p>
<p>Let me first address mcat2. No, we are not from money, and either is my daughter, although we do have family members that enjoy nice wealth. My main concern to be completly honest, is I am afraid my D, like I have said before, wont be as social in college as we were hoping she would be (whidh has always been a problem). She doesnt have a lot of friends, and having dates on the weekends and evenings with a person on the outside of the school looking in, will be taking her away from her college acitivities, friends, studying etc… As a freshmen, I would assume this is the most important yr. for her for the long haul to get in with a crowd.
.
Can she do better? Well, like I have said, he is a very nice boy, we like him very much, but just doesnt have the drive and means of really being able to keep up with my daughters drive to be financially successful. In other words, she might end up supporting him once her career gets going.
With that said, I will do what I already knew to an extint, and that is just bite my tongue and hope things work out for the best. </p>
<p>Agreed. One thing to consider is each time a parent makes a demand against a late teen/young adult child’s desires, he/she will have a natural urge to be contrary to demonstrate he/she has a mind of his/her own…especially here in the US where our pop culture glorifies rebelliousness against parental figures…especially from the '60s onward. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Or being preoccupied/judgmental about one’s own/others’ perceived “lower” financial status/trappings. </p>
<p>Ended up not going for a second date with two different women not too long after graduating college because the first and only dates ended up resembling an IRS interrogation along with being sick of listening to them disparaging others for the “crime” of being frugal savers despite my best efforts to subtly change the subject towards more appropriate light first date conversation topics. </p>
<p>Happened with DD1 - same OOS flagship as her beau. Two years worth of puppy love in college and one in HS ended (official term: put on ice) when his grades were a wee bit below what his parents were expected and he was recalled to our instate urban college where his parents could keep a better eye on him. The relationship had its ups and downs largely because DD1 had little time to spare (architecture). </p>
<p>OP, I apologize it if I speculated incorrectly in my previous post that the socioeconomic status could be an issue when it is not.</p>
<p>In DS’s case when he was in UG college, drastically different socioeconomic status of peer students could cause some difficulty between peer students after half a year or one year. Since you mentioned along the line of expensive tastes, so I sceculated it could become an issue or “inconvenience” in the long run.</p>
<p>When DS started college, he had a “high school sweetheart” back in the hometown. After about half a year, the GF back in the hometown decided to pull the plug (kind of like turkey drop, but it happened slightly later.)</p>
<p>At the beginning of his freshman year, there was actually another girl in his college who showed interest in him. But he did not take the “offer” because he’s “loyal” to his GF back in the hometown at that time. What was worst was that because of that turkey drop heartbreak, he did not try to pursue new relationship for the whole 4 years. He recently regretted his decision at that time. He now believes that the best time to find a “good match” is during the college years. He recently had a failed attempt. (Maybe not initiative/romantic enough. According to the girl, he is the kind of guy her parents, but not necessarily she herself, would like.) Maybe he is just not especially “good at” this kind of thing :(</p>
<p>My main point here is that generally speaking, there may be more ample opportunity early in the college years. Do not miss those few “golden” years.</p>
Would that be so terrible? My H basically supports me. Another relative is a doctor and her H never works. He’s a great homemaker, cook, and gardener. They don’t even have kids, but she really prefers to have him making things nice at home. Join the 21st century. Men have supported wives for decades.</p>
<p>^^
There are women that are fine with that. However, I imagine that many/most are not. Maybe it’s sexist, but it’s very likely that many women do not want to support their H’s. lol </p>
<p>What is the D saying about the idea? does she think it’s great? or does she think that he’s being clingy and that he’ll interfere with her being able to participate in college activities.</p>
<p>And?!? If she’s fine with this- what’s the issue? </p>
<p>I supported my fiance in undergrad, he’s supporting me in grad school, and I intend to support him after I graduate while he primarily takes care of the kids. What’s wrong with that? Nothing. Not a darn thing. </p>
<p>Your D is what? 17? 18? Stop thinking about something that <em>might</em> happen 4-5+ years down the road. </p>
<p>Fwiw, I was that 18 year old whose fiance (yes, I got engaged for the first time at 18 to someone I had been with for three years at that point) was going to follow me to college. Five years later, I’m marrying someone else. </p>
<p>Nothing is going to happen. He’s not going to follow her. They might stay together and she might support him- and yippie for that. Congratulations, you raised a smart and ambitious daughter that can take care of herself AND her loved ones if that’s the case (nothing wrong with being a SAHP either- whatever the family chooses.)</p>
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