<p>My H.S. Senior daughter has talked about having her H.S. boyfriend followng her to the same college town to live. She has been accepted at mostly out of State Colleges, and he does not have the money to attend the same college whether it be in state or out of state, but wants to go to a nearby Junior College. (Nearby my daughters College choices)
What’s your thought on this, and should I really be all that worried? We like this boy a lot, but feel he is not the boy that our daughter should plan a long term relationship with. We also feel that it will take her away from her College life with new friends, and activities if there is a boy that has followed her from her hometown.
It’s one thing to have a boyfriend in College that you meet while attending school with similar drives, friends, classes etc., but we worry that she will not experience the real college life, and apply herself in school as much as if it was just her?
Any opinions would help.</p>
<p>I’m not sure there is much you can do about this. Its not like you can tell this young man he cannot go wherever he feels like going post high school. I would just let this go. It will be what it will be.</p>
<p>If you could prevent it, you should. But, chances are, you cannot. However, I would put the rule that she has to live in the dorm. I would do nothing to make the move easier for the boyfriend. I would not allow him to ride along to drop her off, etc. I would not invite him to join you on anything. And if he doesn’t like it, or she doesn’t like it, then you can let her pay her own way through college. This sounds like a disaster trying to happen.</p>
<p>My daughter has a friend who is a boy. He is very unmotivated. He is a quite nice boy, but in no way would I be okay with him following her to college. In fact, I have actually made conversation with his mom a few times asking what he is doing next year just to make sure that he won’t chose to go where she goes. In his case, it looks like he will be doing junior college. I straight up told my daughter that I expect her to move on from that friendship next year. She agrees. But, my daughter is not popular and this is a boy who pays attention to her. I think this relationship has held her back in high school though. They met right after she was new to this school and he likes to hang out with her. I think it has been a turn off to other friends. She had no other friends where both of them had been involved. In activities that he is not in, she has plenty of friends. </p>
<p>“he does not have the money to attend the same college whether it be in state or out of state, but wants to go to a nearby Junior College”</p>
<p>Well if she ends up out of state, it isn’t likely that he’ll be able to afford even a Junior College there as he will be paying out-of-state tuition and fees. Does he understand that?</p>
<p>Take Thumper’s advice and let it go. You can’t control it. At all. Don’t try. </p>
<p>When the kids move out, you have to give up some control. I know lots of kids who do a lot of things and just never tell. For instance, you can stipulate she lives in a dorm. You can even pay for her to live in a dorm. Where she actually spends her time may be another matter entirely. . . </p>
<p>imkh70, sounds like the same boy. Not motivated, but a very nice boy. She could have picked worse.
My D was not very popular (a tad shy not athletic and not super outgoing, although very musical inclined), and did not have a lot of friends in school. Now that she is seeing him (10 months) she does not have anything to do with her few friends that she had in H.S… His parents are divorced and one is on disability and he would probably qualify for more than average financial aid, so I am not sure if that would help him get into a out of state Junior College or not. I do see that he would have to work to be able to pay for his Apartment (These colleges are off campus housing only) so this will be very difficult for him on all fronts.
My daughter is very motivated, all A’s and has expensive tastes and wants. She has it going on, but because of her lack of boyfriends and popularity, its hard for her to see whats right for her in the long run with this boyfriend of hers.
I am starting to think that all I can do is point her in the right direction with what we feel is the best thing for her, and if she doesnt want to listen, sometimes they have to learn the hard way. Not easy to do when we are paying for college and really do want her to take the right road from the very beginning.</p>
<p>Oh please. I have a fabulous daughter who was not particularly popular in high school, and didn’t have a boyfriend at all. She really blossomed in a great way in college. Give YOUR kid the benefit of the doubt. </p>
<p>You do realize that the more you try to push her away the more appealing this guy might appear?</p>
<p>You have absolutely NO CONTROL over where this young man goes next year. NONE. </p>
<p>That is true, but that doesnt mean I can’t at least plant some good information in my D’s head about how this might not be the best thing for obvious reasons, or at least make it where I don’t worry about her messing up her Freshmen Yr. of College, which would be very important for her future in whatever school she choses. </p>
<p>As long as she goes to whichever school she feels she needs to go to is fine. If the relationship is meant to work, then it will. If not she will move on. Just keep tabs on grades and her mood. If she does well in school, then she’ll be fine. And if she really does like this boy, separating them will only hurt her in the end. You’d have a real problem on your hands if she decided to go to junior college in state. </p>
<p>You can set up things with your daughter like:</p>
<ol>
<li>We are only paying for four years of college.</li>
<li>If you fail a course and have to retake it, you will have to pay for that course.</li>
<li>If your daughter has merit aid, you can say she MUST maintain whatever GPA is required for continuation of her merit aid.</li>
<li>Your continued payment of her college bills is contingent on her being in good academic standing.</li>
</ol>
<p>All of these things address your DAUGHTER and her success in college.</p>
<p>Planting seeds about how much you don’t like this boyfriend is totally unrelated.</p>
<p>You can set up things with your daughter like:</p>
<ol>
<li>We are only paying for four years of college.</li>
<li>If you fail a course and have to retake it, you will have to pay for that course.</li>
<li>If your daughter has merit aid, you can say she MUST maintain whatever GPA is required for continuation of her merit aid.</li>
<li>Your continued payment of her college bills is contingent on her being in good academic standing.</li>
</ol>
<p>All of these things address your DAUGHTER and her success in college.</p>
<p>Planting seeds about how much you don’t like this boyfriend is totally unrelated.</p>
<p>^^ I second that. By the end of the first semester at college, things will have changed so much between them that you won’t have to worry about anything. Don’t do anything as she might hang on to him just to show you she’s making her own decisions
(have you watched Castle lately, I think it was the last episode, pretty funny with the pseudo HannaMontana turned bad? <- not saying you should believe TV shows for parenting, rather, trying to alleviate the worry with something light and funny.)
Really: do nothing, say nothing, let it go, and watch it unravel.</p>
<p>What do you think you could do to stop him from going where he wants to go? I understand your concerns but iI just don’t see what you could possibly do.</p>
<p>To add to what Thumper said … you might stipulate that she lives in the dorm. No blank checkbook to figure out your own living arrangements while we are paying for the 4 years of college. </p>
<p>I think this is a good idea, but I suggest making it a requirement for freshman year only. Many colleges (perhaps including some of the colleges that have accepted her) do not guarantee housing for all four years, so if you insist that she must live in a dorm for all four years, you are limiting her college choices.</p>
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<p>I don’t think there’s one ideal college experience, and I don’t think that young people have to cut themselves off from their hometown lives in order to have a good college experience.</p>
<p>I live in Maryland, in the DC suburbs. Vast numbers of kids from our area go to the University of Maryland at College Park, which is less than an hour away. Some of them stay actively involved in their hometown lives during college; other don’t. Some come home every weekend because they have boyfriends/girlfriends at home, or a weekend job at home, or because they miss their dog. Others come home only for the scheduled breaks – and even then only if they don’t have a better invitation. And somehow, it all works out OK. These kids do not all have the same college experience, but they each seem to be able to have the kind of college experience they’re looking for. </p>
<p>Chiming in to agree with those who say to let it go since there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. But if it makes you feel better, if he does end up following her to college, chances are the relationship will die a natural death. When I was a rising senior in college I planned a summer abroad in Ecuador. My boyfriend since freshman year decided to tag along. My parents were livid, but of course they couldn’t prevent him from going. I realized during the course of the summer that I did not appreciate being suffocated in a relationship and we broke up a couple weeks into senior year.</p>
<p>I do not have a good advice (as I do not have a D) but just want to chime in to show my sympathy. Not a long time ago, the ex-BF (not even a currently “active” BF if she told the truth) of DS’s then GF wanted to join her in the college town and it caused a lot of grieves and drama. I think he chose to be out of this triangle drama or even a rebound relationship before it’s too late. The life is too short for this kind of drama (and he really does not have time for this now, I think.)</p>
<p>I wouldn’t get too worked up about it. And I don’t think you should be picking her boyfriends.Especially if she doesn’t have many friends it doesn’t make sense to try to take one away. I can see not being thrilled with it, but as others have noted, the chances of it actually happening at OOS prices seems a bit unlikely. She will still have her classmates and new people in her life. I wasn’t thrilled when my daughter got a boyfriend who had no degree, not in college, but did have an artistic bent and was doing things. She encouraged him to enroll again, and he did well and was able to transfer to the state flagship in short time and is graduating this spring. I’m glad that her association had a positive influence on someone’s life.</p>
