<p>Friday night my daughter (a college junior) was with her roommate when the roommate’s family called to say that her 20-year-old brother had been killed by a drunk driver. Of course, roommate was very, very distraught. They have a tight circle of friends and within an hour there were other people who were there to support the roommate, who left for home in the morning.</p>
<p>My daughter is herself quite distraught, first about the boy, whom she had met a few times, and also about her roommate’s pain. She is also second-guessing how she handled the situation when the roommate first found out, saying, “I wish I knew the right thing to say.” She has even said that she wants to take a course on grief counseling so she will know how to handle these situations. (Daughter does not like uncertainty; in her mind, there is a right and a wrong way to do things.)</p>
<p>My daughter is not thrilled with my advice to just be there to support the roommate (at this point, roommate plans to be back on Wednesday), and follow her cues about what she wants to talk about, because it does not “really” tell her what to do.</p>
<p>Anyone have any better suggestions about what I should say to my daughter, or even better, anything written by someone who has more credibility that me as mom?</p>
<p>My daughter was in a similar situation when one of her best friends was struck and killed by a drunk driver. Your advice is good. Everyone reacts differently and you just have to take cues from them. My daughter went over to the family’s house immediately, and all the kids who knew the boy who was killed and his brother were all around and ready to do anything they could. They raised money to dedicate the skate park to the young man, etc. As far as your daughter is concerned, she may want to seek more information. It might help to speak to a priest or other clergy if she knows any. My daughter has taken a couple of Death and Dying type classes since this happened. It is something she is facing straight on.</p>
<p>Amesie, your daughter is rightfully upset and rightfully trying to use her own pain to help her roommate. Congratulations on raising someone so empathetic. The best advice you can give her is to help her roommate as she would want to be helped.</p>
<p>Wow, she’s being really hard on herself. I don’t see a thing wrong with that. It’s honest, it’s compassionate. I agree with your advice. There is no “one” way to comfort a grieving friend as grief is quite variable.</p>
<p>Saying the wrong thing is infinitely worse than not saying the right thing. The basic rules are no criticizing the deceased; no religious(or atheist) comments unless the bereaved is okay with that; no telling someone how or when to feel better, or what to feel. Let them mourn their wonderful family in accordance with their own spiritual beliefs, in their own way, in their own time.</p>
<p>Be okay with some moodiness - wanting to go out to get her mind off it one night, want to reminisce and cry in bed the next day.</p>
<p>And go to the wake/funeral if possible. Oh, and gift baskets are always welcome.</p>
<p>“I wish I knew the right thing to say” is actually very sweet, IMO. It acknowledges that this is a situation above and beyond the speaker’s experience, and that there are no readily available words to take the pain away. </p>
<p>And of course, there ARE no words to take away the pain. So any statement of support and any hugs, and any "I don’t know what to say"s are welcome, and far better than saying nothing at all.</p>
<p>I just want to give you and your daughter a big hug. This is one of the most challenging parts of life and I am not sure there is anyway to prepare ourselves for sudden and tragic loss. Prayer for everyone. You are a good mom and you have a wonderful daughter.</p>
<p>Amesie, your approach is fine. Also, good advice above^^^</p>
<p>I think it is best to say “I’m so sorry”. There is no simple statement that is going to make it all better. People get into trouble when they feel compelled to offer up explanatory statements that go too far or are just cliches. ie “Everything happens for a reason”, or “God needed another flower in his garden etc.”</p>
<p>I think honesty is the best policy. Your daughter might think of saying something like, “I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could say to help you, but I am at a loss on how to deal with such a tragedy. If you want to talk, I will be hear to listen.”</p>
<p>And OP, kudos to you for raising a thoughtful, kind daughter.</p>
<p>OP,
I comletely agree with your advice. Your D. should be very sensitive to her friend. There is no right or wrong, it is so different from person to person. She needs to take the “cues” from her friend. I agree, some might just want a friends’ presence, not much talk, others, believe ir or not might feel like being left alone for a bit of time just to let it loose without any kind of control that everybody imopse on themselves in the presence of others. All she can do is to let her friend know that she is available for any type of help and support and her firend is her priority at this point maybe even at the expanse of some personal stuff.</p>
<p>I agree with those above who said your D will just have to take cues from her roommate. What to say is not something that can really be planned in advance. The fact that your D cares about saying the right thing is an indicator that she will, in fact, find the words when the time comes.</p>
<p>Sometimes “doing” something can help facilitate what to say and give comfort. For example, if there is a charity designated for donations or if your D knows of an activity/sport/art that her roommate’s brother was passionate about, your D might organize a service or donation effort, or (knowing most college students can more easily give of their time than money) work with an organization or club or Greek house on campus to facilitate a service activity that is in line with the brother’s interests.</p>
<p>Amesie – it sounds like your daughter is more comfortable with concrete guidelines as it were instead of feeling her way through this (which is fine). </p>
<p>I agree with ariesathena – maybe give your D a heads up on what not to say, then give her a few phrases she can rely on when she doesn’t know what to say to her roommate:</p>
<p>How are you doing? (and really listen to the answer)
What do you need me to do right now? (and don’t be hurt if the answer is “be quiet” or “leave”)
When all else fails, she can say: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must hurt so much.</p>
<p>My only other pieces of advice are to try to do something to help her (take notes for her in class, drop off her projects, accompany her on the subway to the airport, stock up the fridge with snacks for her when she gets back from the funeral). Small thing to make her life easier can be very helpful if she’s not really up to the task of taking care of herself. </p>
<p>Also, when in doubt, “I cannot imagine what you are going through right now” is better than “I know how you feel.” Unless you’ve also lost a sibling, the latter is often the wrong thing to say (IMHO).</p>
<p>If in doubt, she could also see if there is counseling available on campus for herself - to help her figure out what she’s comfortable saying. Each person grieves in their own way, and if she doesn’t know how her roommate is likely to grieve, you are even less likely. As others have already said, there’s often no “right” way to help but some obvious “wrong” ways. Ask if she needs anything, and remember to not assume she doesn’t want to do things - she may be the type that benefits from returning to as normal a routine as possible.</p>
<p>I definitely agree to seek out counseling at the college- these folks know the age group, care, and are prepared to advise, especially in a crisis like this. They should prioritize time for your daughter, owing to the situation. And, it’s not only helping her roommate; your daughter is close to this, may benefit from someone helping with her own personal reactions, even a short talk.
Best wishes. So sorry.</p>
<p>One piece of advice you might share with her:</p>
<p>There is not necessarily any “right” thing to say. Nothing that anyone says can make her feel better. The best you can do is let her know that you know how much she’s hurting. That in itself will be a comfort.</p>