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<p>Let me guess, you’re not overweight. Because I assure you that weight is different from all of those things. </p>
<p>Or actually, I guess there is some common ground. For instance, a person who has never been poor lecturing a poor person on how to manage their money probably comes across as both condescending and clueless, no matter how good their intentions.</p>
<p>I have been overweight, PMK. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism at age 8, which stunted my growth, caused me to be very heavy in adolescence and impacted my fertility. Are those enough credentials?</p>
<p>If my mother hadn’t talked to me and had assumed that I knew I was heavy, she wouldn’t have found out the other symptoms that were still ongoing and caused her to be my best advocate in getting the proper treatment because at that time, hypothyroidism was assumed to be very rare in children. Because of what I went through, no topic is off limits as a parent because who knows what one might find out? I would never advocate saying “you’re fat, fix it” but I would talk to my daughters, ask if they’ve noticed any changes to their periods, nails or hair in addition to the weight gain. Weight gain, by itself, is what it is, but if it’s accompanied by other symptoms, it shouldn’t be delicately ignored. Now, I’m not talking about 20 pounds or so, but morbid obesity is life threatening. I often talk to them about the history of metabolic osteoporosis and remind them about weight-bearing exercise and calcium supplements. What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t?</p>
<p>OP Here…I am quite fit and of normal weight…which makes this more complicated as others have suggested. I would love to have her father talk to her but honestly this is a very difficult subject for me to discuss with him. He clearly feels shame about how his life has turned out. He knows that I’ve given up things because of his limitations, but he doesn’t want to talk about it with me. I’ve tried.<br>
I do love my daughter unconditionally, and I completely understand that this will be a lifelong issue for her. She recently retired from her long time sport which required many many hours of year round training, and allowed her to consume lots of calories without being seriously overweight. Even when she was competing she always carried a bit more weight than she should have. Since she “retired” six months ago she looks like she’s gained about 20 pounds. She still works out some, but is probably not as disciplined as as she should be. She’s a smart girl and should understand that she needs to adjust her diet to her new more sedentary life, but as we all know, that is easier said than done.
She will be away this summer and will be cooking for herself for the first time after eating dorm food. She will also be in an apartment this fall. I hope this switch will help, but I fear that it will be too easy to get take out, and cook things like pasta every night.<br>
She did see a nutritionist at school a year or so ago. I am not really clear on their recommendations. I really have tried to steer clear of this with her in the past but the fairly rapid weight gain has me worried.<br>
In most areas we communicate just fine, but this is a complicated one in our family!</p>
<p>zoosermom, I apologize for my incorrect assumption.</p>
<p>Anxiousmom1, What exactly do you want to say to your daughter? What are you hoping to accomplish?</p>
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I understand. My husband is struggling with his weight. I completely agree with you that, adult to adult, it should be left alone. My issue is on the parenting front (particularly with girls because (a) I was a girl and (b) my perception is that girls are more likely to have hormonal issues) I think it’s important to make sure that the weight isn’t a symptom of something else. I really did suffer as a young person and even today it’s not wonderful to be so short, particularly when that wasn’t my genetic destiny.</p>
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A major lifestyle change will have an impact on weight, for sure. In a way, knowing that is a good thing because you can kinda-sorta think that’s the cause rather than a serious health problem.</p>
<p>Your daughter cooking for herself for the first time is a great opportunity to maybe give her a cooking magazine subscription, hand down some family recipes, discuss nutrition in the context of maybe taking a shopping trip together (I had to learn to grocery shop – it didn’t come naturally to me), even taking a cooking class. You can discuss meal planning, budgeting and kitchen management with a perfect excuse and not even have to discuss her weight.</p>
<p>I would suggest that you have her get a general checkup, and make sure that a thyroid profile is part of it, as well as a check of her vitamin D levels (very low Vitamin D, which is common is people north of Atlanta, could affect mood, looks like depression, causes eating of lots of carbos to boost seratonin levels).</p>
<p>Her doctor can bring up the direct issues that relate to medical statistics (blood pressure, cholesterol, % body fat, etc.).</p>
<p>As a mom, you need to support her mentally, and offer medical support in whatever form it takes to help her achieve her goals in life. </p>
<p>I myself have to take thyroid pills for hypothyroidism (and while am normal weight now, was heavier before diagnosed around age 30). My D, who is now 19, was diagnosed as a sophomore in HS, but has normal thyroid levels today w/ medication. </p>
<p>While I’m not suggesting that is your D’s problem, it is important to rule out medical issues. Your concerns are valid … your D deserves a healthy life, whether she’s in a curvy or lean body.</p>
<p>If this were my D I’d sure talk to her about it just as I would if she were suddenly underweight, started smoking, was suddenly limping, or had some other issue that I felt would impact her health. </p>
<p>The trick is to make that discussion be productive which is where many discussions about weight fall apart. She doesn’t need to be told she’s overweight or to quit eating so much or get more exercise, which is what many people do, since she already knows that. But she could benefit from learning some information she doesn’t already know - like particular challenges she likely has in her genetics, current research on obesity and its causes such as how some people lack a gene that influences the “I’m full, time to stop eating” trigger in the brain and glandular issues and even social issues. She can benefit from resources like seeing appropriate doctors to determine what the issue might be and how to assist with it assuming she doesn’t already know. And she can benefit from some empathy and support for what she’s going through.</p>
<p>The tactfulness and words make a huge difference or else she’ll likely just switch you off and the problem will compound.</p>
<p>I hope it gets worked out and improves.</p>
<p>I am a slim person from a slim family married to someone who struggles with his weight from a family with a lot of heavy people in it. But his folks out live mine by 30 years on average. I never knew my grandparents and my mother is beating all odds at her age. My husband’s family considers someone as dying young when they don’t hit 3 figures. So I am not about to tell anyone who is heavy that they are not eating properly or healthily. Slim, I might be, but I have a number of genetic time bombs in me and if I could temper them with excess weight I would do so.</p>
<p>I suggested a nutritionist because I have seen this problem before and it seems to be the only solution that I’ve seen work. My MIL was grossly obese and though she might live a long time, it was going to be a miserable existence because of a number of weight related issues that were causing pain. Severe osteoporosis with stress fractures and difficult in getting up, moving around and for anyone to help her. She was wheelchair bound and that was also a problem. We did get a nutritionist to work with her and she enjoyed planning meals and diets with the woman. My SIL is a nutritionist and was able to recommend someone for her. MIL lost 40 lbs which she had not been able to do in 50 years, working with this woman. A lot of this was a self esteem thing and also because the emphasis was not on her weight as she has been harped upon (not by me) about it for a long time. She is also now out of the wheel chair and off pain pills. I would have sworn last year that she was nursing home material, but is now able to get up and about well. Big difference. </p>
<p>My SIL also has worked with her niece who is very heavy, and though the results have not been there, the girl is happy to take notes and eat along the lines of what is planned, just too much of it and still can’t get rid of the munchies cravings. But she has adjusted some of her diet so the food is more healthy. </p>
<p>I would find a nutritionist, talk to him/her and tell D that if she will be cooking for herself next year, it would be wise to get a foundation on how to plan such meals as she will be on a limited budget. I would introduce things that way. I would also make sure during her physical that the doctor check for any endocrine and other issues that might be making her heavy. </p>
<p>If someone is in good heatlh, eating well, is heavy, is fine about the weight, I’m not sure that it’s a problem. If the weight is causing problems, that’s a whole other thing.</p>
<p>My problem is I really don’t know what I want to say to her. I want her to know I love her unconditionally, but that I worry about her. She was dealt a bad hand genetics wise. Her aunt died at a young age of type 2 diabetes complicated by morbid obesity. Her father has serious health issues as a consequence of his obesity. But it’s more than health, and I’m sorry if it offends some of you that, I’m terribly worried about the societal attitude towards fat people. My husband’s life is limited due to his weight, but his tendency to hide out at home is also the result of the stares and discrimination he faces in our upper middle class town where obesity is a crime. I see how it hurts him (and by association it hurts me) and I so don’t want her to face the same thing.<br>
I want her to know that I will love her know matter what she looks but that if there is anything I can do to help her with this I will. I know she knows she is overweight…She doesn’t need me to tell her that. I’ve given her a couple of healthy cookbooks to help her as she begins to cook for herself. Honestly, I think her issue is less food choice than portion control and frequency of eating. I need her to understand what a normal amount of food is, and I feel tremendously guilty that I apparently failed to make that happen when she lived at home.</p>
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Portion control is a huge issue. It’s hard to know what’s an appropriate portion when you go to restaurants or supermarkets and the portions are huge.</p>
<p>How about you just talk to her honestly. Tell her how much you love her and will always love her and worry about her. Then simply say that you are concerned that you didn’t do a great job of modeling portion control. I’m not sure that I think we have to tip toe around our kids. I’m a believer in saying anything honestly and with love one time. But not more than one.</p>
<p>Well, the appearance thing is really your issue. My SIL’s nieces are very heavy women. I don’t know how they feel about it but I don’t hear anything about them being unhappy about it. I hear the moaning from my overweight by 5-20lb friends about weight. My guys are a ribald bunch but they seem to take their cousins’ and firends’ weights for granted; it was the drastic change that got my son who gained all of the flak. And, yes, he took it off fast. He does have a tendency to gain and has to be careful as he also has permanent health issues from childhood and being overweight would be a true health risk for him. I had him work with a nutritionist as well, and he knows well why. </p>
<p>I live in an area where “thin is so in”, but the heavy weights in my family seem to do fine. I’ve never felt any discrimination or issues other than my sons jumping on their brother in terms of nasty weight remarks, and they would be made to me about others I’m sure, as I am not overweight. And when I say overweight, my DH is about 300 lbs and my MIL was 220 and wore a 28W, or 3x in clothes. She is now in a 1X with her weight loss. Still a big woman.</p>
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<p>I posted a link above to a best selling book that will be very eye-opening on issues that cause some people to get fat and not others. There are hormonal issues that drive fat storage and many of us susceptable to these issues, including insulin resistance. It’s not “gluttony” and “sloth”. Understanding these issues might make it so much easier for your daughter (and probably your husband) to stop storing fat.</p>
<p>Anxiousmom, I don’t know if you saw my thread last week on my son’s binge eating. It doesn’t sound as if your D has an eating disorder so the advice on that thread would probably not be of interest. </p>
<p>However, I do want to say that after my son put on so much weight, I suspected diabetes. I sent him for a physical. He wasn’t diabetic but was severely anemic and has a host of gastrointestinal issues, most likely caused by the binge eating. Again, not relevant to you. This is a long way of saying that your D is probably due for a physical anyway. Take her in, have blood work done (ask for a full thyroid panel). The doctor may or may not talk about fitness and nutrition, but at least you can either rule out or identify some medical issues.</p>
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<p>Weight issues are so unfair and we act as if being overweight is some sort of moral failing. My college roommate was a size 20 and I weighed 95 lbs. We ate the same bad dorm food, didn’t have money for snacks. Neither of us worked out, except for walking across campus. And after three years of living together and eating the same food at the same time, she was still a size 20 and I still weighed 95 lbs.</p>
<p>Twenty pounds doesn’t sound like that much to me given the new circumstances. About portion control, remember she is young and needs more calories than she will when she is older. What might seem like a big portion to you might be the amount she needs to not be hungry.</p>
<p>The health issues you are worried about are down the road and will happen only if the weight gain continues, which it might not. She’ll have much more control over what she eats when she lives in an apartment next year.</p>
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That’s understandable. You’re her mom and you want what’s best for her. The fact is that although there shouldn’t be, there definitely are negative societal attitudes towards people based on their appearance whether it’s fat, skinny, tall, short, homely, beautiful, etc. and for obese and super obese people it can be especially bad. This is often compounded when the person is a young single female. There’s always a chance your D is ‘comfortable in her skin’ and doesn’t feel these issues, which would be great, but chances are very good that she does feel it. </p>
<p>Regardless, I think the focus should be on the physical health aspect of this. While it’s true that depending on genetics some heavier people will live longer than some normal sized people, the odds are that won’t be the case for someone who becomes morbidly obese (hence the name). In addition to life longevity they may have the practical issues throughout their life of difficulty in moving, stamina, leg and foot issues, as well as the social discrimination that can result. </p>
<p>I’ve had some female friends who were obese since kids. These were well-adjusted successful people but they did have other physical symptoms as a result of their obesity (difficulty walking much, leg/foot/back issues, etc.) and did tell me how they had to endure the snickering comments and stares when in public that although they managed to ignore it as best as they could, it still hurt them.</p>
<p>If your D’s issues are along the lines of the ‘freshman 15 (or 20)’ then maybe it won’t be so difficult for her to turn it around if she decides to focus on that.</p>
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<p>I haven’t tracked down the study yet, but I listened to a podcast with Cassandra Forsythe about her PhD research at UConn, studying athletes on a very low carb diet and a very low fat diet. They were interested in both athletic performance and blood profiles, etc. She mentioned that various people had very different results. Some thrived on a low carb diet and really struggled with low fat. Others (generally the genetically rail-thin) struggled on a low carb diet and saw their blood profiles get worse.</p>
<p>So, this really is a matter of finding what works for a particular individual’s metabolism. If someone is insulin resistant and unable to tolerate high carb intake, telling them to eat low fat, low fat, low fat, “healthy grains” is going to make them pack the weight on even faster.</p>
<p>You and your college roommate obviously responded very differently to the same diet. It’s starting to make a lot of sense to me how that could be true and it wasn’t because you were “good” and your roommate was “bad”.</p>
<p>This helped my D, WHEN she came to ME for help, I offered to pay for this. It’s not just food delivery, but that was the only part she really bought in to. She was maybe 17 at the time, and we did it for awhile last year too, when she was living for a semester in NYC. I think I would pay for it again, rather than paying for “board” at her school.</p>
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<p>$$$$ though, and there may be better alternatives now. “Diet to go” seems intriguing.</p>
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<p>This is such a tricky issue. Given our culture’s emphasis on appearance, I would be surprised if your daughter was not aware of the weight gain and also not unhappy about it herself. The last thing she needs is to think that you are unhappy about her appearance too.</p>
<p>If you feel that you must make the first move, I would agree with those who have recommended focusing on the medical angle. Perhaps suggest that it is past time for an annual check-up.</p>
<p>Also, the book that idad recommended is indeed excellent but I am not sure it is the best thing for the uninitiated (that is, those that are not already looking to make a change in the way that they eat). Perhaps a better, smaller place to start is an article that was in the NYT a few weeks ago about the dangers of sugar.</p>
<p>So much depends on your relationship with your D. Does she hear the good or only the bad. She is an adult and the choice to make changes is hers.
What you can do is tell her that you are concerned about her weight for health reasons. Offer to get her help (nutritionist, cooking lessons, delivered food, pay for a gym or some personal training sessions). The key is not telling her she needs help. The wording is important. Let her know the offer but that the choice of when or if at all to use the help is up to her. Or any other help she feels she might need.
Believe me a girl of that age knows she has gained weight.
Also as has been pointed out to me on occasion. Our children are smart. We only need to tell them or make an offer once. If they do nothing it isn’t that they have forgot.</p>