<p>I am a very infrequent poster posting under a new name. I am trying to figure out how to have a very difficult conversation with my college aged daughter. She has gained quite a bit of weight in the last year. This would be less concerning if it werent for the fact that her father is morbidly obese, as are several other members of his family. I feel awful for her, as there is clearly a genetic component, but she needs to get a handle on this now if she doesnt want to be dealing with it forever. Her fathers life has been so impacted by his weight. He is fairly reclusive, has difficulties with travel (must buy two seats on a plane) so he almost never goes away, and is really unable to participate in life at this point. Its heartbreaking and I am terrified for her. She is a very successful student and an active girl, but I fear she will face discrimination and misery if she doesnt solve this problem. She is a relatively healthy eater, but doesnt seem to get portion control in the way she should. I know it will make her angry if I bring this up, but I want to support her. Suggestions here or via PM are greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>If you don’t struggle with weight issues, then you can’t talk to her about it.</p>
<p>Why don’t you have her father talk to her about it? </p>
<p>Everyone in my family tends to be very, very fit and in shape, but there is always one who is verrrrry overweight. Not much to be done. Finally, the older generation overweight got in touch with the younger generation overweight and they are “working on it,” together.</p>
<p>But, no amount of talking about it from any of us was going to do anything but shame them. It’s an impossible conversation unless you’ve “been there.” </p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Maybe, have the morbidly obese father talk to your daughter about his struggles with his weight and have the focus be on health NOT AESTHETICS!!! Such a painful topic; I wish you luck.</p>
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<p>If you want to support someone, making them angry is a terrible place to start. </p>
<p>What is the purpose of this talk? Are you under the impression that your daughter does not know she’s gained weight? Or that she is unaware of the limitations that being overweight has placed on her father’s life?</p>
<p>You want to do something to fix this. You cannot. Let me repeat that…no amount of talking or pleading or anything on your part can fix this. Please do not let your anxiety lead you to make the huge mistake of having this “talk” with your daughter.</p>
<p>Love your daughter unconditionally. Learn to accept that she has probably inherited from her father a tendency to be over-weight and so she will be dealing with it the rest of her life. Take it from someone who has lost/gained/lost/gained/lost/gained more times than she can count. Being thin in your late teens/early twenties is absolutely no cure for this. I know.</p>
<p>My good friend had her D go to a nutritionist when she put on a lot of weight one year. It seemed to have worked fine.</p>
<p>In our house hold, when my one son put on a lot of weight suddenly, there was no talk about how to approach him about it. He was mercilessly approached by his brothers, and not tacfully.</p>
<p>I’d say try talking to her with your husband. Make sure you aren’t coming across as attacking her, and let her know that you still love her. Tell her it isn’t about how she looks, I’m sure she’s beautiful, but it’s about health. Since you guys care about her you don’t want her to have to struggle the way her father has, and you want to take a preemptive strike so it won’t get out of control. She probably feels really insecure right now. So make sure you tell her you love her often:)</p>
<p>I’ve seen this happen with relatives of mine, the initial talk is going to be painful, but be diplomatic and I’m sure she will understand where you’re coming from 
best of luck!</p>
<p>I offered to get a nutritionist to work with D1. I figured it would be less personal and healthier in the long run.</p>
<p>Does she live on campus or off? Dorm food is impossible, I could never keep my weight down when I lived on campus. You say she is active, does that mean regular exercise? Regular exercise is great because it curbs one’s appetite. College is a tough time because studying is sedentary and late nights are mandatory. Things might get better after she has graduated.</p>
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<p>I’ve always been curious about this…if it’s about health and not the weight itself, then why does only the fat person go to the nutritionist? In other words, like a lot of the rest of parenting, I think having the whole family do something is a lot more productive than singling out one person in an effort to change their behavior.</p>
<p>The daughter doesn´t live with the family. She is living in college and her eating habit could be very different than her family. </p>
<p>At home, we tend to eat organic food with very little canned food. When kids first start cooking for themselves, they tend to do what´s cheap and easy.</p>
<p>I assume, and I could be incorrect, that the daughter is coming home for the summer.</p>
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<p>Is she actually getting fat? Gaining weight can be either due to fat (usually undesirable) or muscle (usually desirable).</p>
<p>Just a thought, but since others in your family are overweight… this could be an underactive thyroid (hypothyrodism). This runs in my family. I started gaining weight like crazy once I hit my 30’s. At that point I got tested and did find that I had hypothyroidism. Several women in my family have this and it typically shows up in 20s or 30s. After I got on the daily medication it helped considerably and I have been able to take all the weight off. This is a simple blood test that a general practicioner can do, but it is done by request only. I’d mention it as a possibility at her next checkup.</p>
<p>I am surprised by some of the responses here. I would probably try to talk to my D once about the issue, but not constantly repeat my concerns after that. I don’t agree that only someone who is struggling with the same issue can talk to someone about a problem. There are health problems which can cause weight gain. Endocrine problems run in my family, for example.</p>
<p>(kitty8 beat me to it)</p>
<p>I’ve typed a long post and saw that kitty and mamabear wrote similar things. Not talking (talking does not mean nagging!) about a health issue is not going to help, it will only make matters worse in the long run.</p>
<p>I would talk to my daughter, too, as I would if one was losing too much weight. There is a healthy range and as the chef of the family, I think it’s an important conversation to have. If she is gaining that weight at college, I would definitely talk to her about what would work for her in terms of better food options. Perhaps there is something in her schedule or logistics that makes her eat on the run or have to make less desirable choices. Having someone else help you plot out your day can be very helpful in fixing something like that. If she’s gaining weight at home, you need to have better options available for the whole family. You could also join her in exercising. That’s a fun thing to do together.</p>
<p>Finally, I would like to mention a member of my extended family who gained a staggering amount of weight in college. She was very defensive on the issue – downright hostile. Which made sense when we found out later that many of the calories were coming from booze. When that issue was resolved, her weight stabilized.</p>
<p>This brings back memories from when I gained weight in college. One of my closest friends asked me, “What will your parents say when they see you’ve gained so much weight?” (about 30 pounds.) I said, “My parents will love me no matter what size I am!” and I believed it when I said it. However, I was a little nervous to see them for the first time at the end of that semester. No one from my family said a WORD to me, and I was SOOO THANKFUL. They just hugged me and loved me as always. I KNEW I was heavy and I knew I needed to up the exercise and eat better and I did. I’ve struggled up and down since college and have yet to come across a way for a family member to delicately discuss the weight of another family member with them. </p>
<p>Would you consider waiting to see if she comes to you with this as an issue? Then you could recommend the nutritionist, check-up, etc. (Just my 2 cents.)</p>
<p>If you can’t talk to your daughters about weight, how do you talk to them about sex, reproduction, relationships, money?</p>
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<p>Exactly. The very premise of the conversation is absurd. As if any person, especially any woman, in the United States is not painfully aware of her weight no matter what it is.</p>
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<p>Thank you. It’s frustrating to listen to average weight people pat each other on the back about what a swell idea this is when they’ve never been on the other end of the conversation.</p>
<p>I mean, my god, the well meaning but stupid things people have said to me! “Don’t drink coke or alcohol.” Haven’t had a soda or an alcoholic drink in two decades, but thanks for the tip! “Eat low fat; eat high fat but low carb; eat no white food; eat blah, blah, blah.” </p>
<p>Some of this is genetics, folks. I spent two decades wrestling with this, quit dieting/trying to “eat health”/whatever and my weight finally stabilized. Now I just eat what I know is good for me and if I want a piece of cake, I just eat it. Not drama, just eating. I haven’t lost weight but…I have not gained weight which is a blessed miracle for me. </p>
<p>I wonder what my life would have been like if I’d accepted myself as overweight 50 lbs ago, twenty years ago. I suspect I’d still be at that weight. Instead my body reset itself for what is normal and I’m even bigger. But I’m healthy with perfect blood pressure, cholesterol and so on. </p>
<p>Personally, I believe weight is so much more complicated than what we know. And sitting down to tell a person whose gained weigh that, hey, you’ve gained weight remains a horrible idea verses the great idea of loving them unconditionally.</p>