<p>bookreader, part of my frustration is that I just don’t think she thought any of this through. She is calling me more often than I expected and it irritates me that she doesn’t seem to have another plan. The baby is actually a sweet thing, but she is a chore to babysit, maybe that wil get better.</p>
<p>intparent, you make many good points, many of them are exactly things that baffle me and my husband…
“- Finding a new job that has shift work that is offset with the baby’s dad’s hours so he could watch the baby more.”
-------------this is what WE would do, and we don’t know why they don’t. Maybe just the exhaustion and lack of time? Of course it could have been looked at before baby arrived</p>
<p>"- If the baby’s dad is drifting in and out of the picture, she could consider moving close to her mom for more immediate family support."
-------------her mom is useless in many ways. She was in the process of selling her home here and moving to a home in FL. Owned both (problem selling the home here) when the pregnancy was announced, but still opted to sell and move to FL, for no real good reason. Bad decision making was apparently and inherited trait…</p>
<p>"- Can she find a higher paying job? The job market has picked up in a lot of places, she might have some luck at this if she has any marketable skills"
---------------I guess she is in inbound sales. She makes it sound like no promos are possible because she doesn’t have a college degree, and I don’t know if she could make more elsewhere. I guess job security and benefits make it scary to leave</p>
<p>Last time she left the baby she just wanted to be held. She eventually fell asleep on me clutching her blankie, then she woke up and I had to put her down and do something besides hold her. She didn’t want to play with her toys and actually just laid down on the floor with her blankie. It was sad, but cute. It was better than the other times when she didn’t nap at all because as her mom said “she catnaps.” When she got up she refused bottle and food and started the crying again. I decided to go to my friend around the corner and the distraction of new scenery and people kept her from crying. I still couldn’t go more than 5 feet away though. The only thing she ate for me was those puff cereal things and some water from a sippy cup. Oh wait, pastina at my friend’s house.</p>
<p>Thanks for everybody’s input on the child care prices and other advice. It is a shame that it is so hard to raise a child on one income, and even on 2 incomes. I hope the degrees my kids are getting pay off, and that they marry someone with a degree or marketable skill. I use their aunt as an example of how not having a degree can hurt you. She is good at her job, but she is stuck at that level and can’t afford things. It’s hard for hubby and us because WE can’t fix it.</p>
<p>Any chance the baby was a little ill the last time you had her? Sounds like what D did when she wasn’t really sick, but just wasn’t 100%…</p>
<p>I think the earlier poster who said you might be the best caregiver in the group has a good point. Of course, that doesn’t make it any easier for you. I would look into those library story times, check and see if Barnes and Noble or any local bookstore does something similar. Parks and Rec often does stroller walking or something similar (that might be more difficult because of pre-registration). Good food choices might help her, too. I’d hit a couple of garage sales for some toys, buy a couple of kids books and see if that doesn’t help. Check the PBS schedule for timing for a show or two (D loved Between the Lions).</p>
<p>As for the life choices, well they are her choices. It’s a tough situation. You don’t want to be responsible for the fallout from her odd choices, but there is a baby in the middle. That’s a tough place.</p>
<p>Mom2M, Not sick at all! She was right as rain when mommy showed up. Drank her bottle and came out to dinner with us and was good. Her mom brings her lots of toys with her.</p>
<p>The library stuff is a good idea. I do substitute type work at one and I didn’t even think of it! I will check their schedule and next time she has a problem hopefully it will be one of those days. </p>
<p>I just got the urge to write and ask when last week she mentioned needing help because the sitter was going away for a week. That’s what made me think she needs to get someone who does it as a serious JOB, and not to pick up a little extra $.</p>
<p>Hubby and I get frustrated with her $ issues, but we don’t give her any except for generous Christmas and birthday. No loans. This year around her birthday she was having a problem with one tire that needed to be re-inflated every few days. It happened on Halloween when she planned to leave the baby here for the day (so we could trick or treat after work). It was a really bad morning for her and she decided to just call out. Sent her and my hubby out to get the tire fixed and all her tires were so bad he couldn’t let her keep driving on them. So she got tires for her birthday. Over our bday budget obviously, so for Christmas she got a new car seat and a small restaurant gift card. </p>
<p>One dynamic that plays into our sense of helping her out is that my SIL is his baby sister, about 12 years younger. Her dad died when she was a senior in HS.</p>
<p>Maybe you could do some leg work for her and research some day care options in your area (home based and/or center based) and then offer to visit some with her. It would be a way to be supportive to her, but to actually make another option happen.</p>
<p>I hope I wasn’t too harsh in my earlier message. As I have read this thread, your last post struck a cord with me. For all real purposes, your husband is her father figure. At 12 years her senior, he was a firm adult in life when their father died. It would perfectly natural for her to cling to your husband for emotional, financial and spiritual support when he died. There is so much value in helping her with this child. I know it has to be deeply frustrating, but you have an opportunity to bring normalcy to the kiddo’s life and establish a trust with a child that is beyond valuable. Do you work full time? Does watching the baby harm you and your husband financially? I don’t have a solution, but I do know that you seem to be a level-headed, loving person that is yes, frustrated, but so pivitol in this siutaiton. I know it is hard to remove baggage and emotion from situations like this, but the real the victim of poor care is the child, and she is the defination of an innocent.</p>
<p>I am sure that my frustration with how she runs her life contributes to my frustration with babysitting. I think that if she managed her life better and made better decisions I would be happier with her on the whole, and wouldn’t mind. I do like her, she is really a sweet girl, but she needs to make some changes, and isn’t. The rest of this is not too much about daycare costs, but about SIL’s situation…</p>
<p>I think the father figure is part of MY problem. He is NOT her father, and I’m afraid she’ll never get herself out of her situation (condo she hates and is underwater and can barely afford–mortgage mod was useless). She complains, but doesn’t make any moves to actually change anything. I know it’s hard, but it’s hard to accept because my husband and I would do things so differently in her situation. We’ve worked to get what we have and I sometimes I do feel like the parent. Paying when we go out to dinner, buying tires, whatever. These are the type of things my MOM would do for me. I have 2 kids of my own! I wish HER mom would step in and help her fix things. She couldn’t babysit though, she barely watched mine 15-20 years ago. “oh, my arm is weak” or whatever…Now she is 75 so…In my dreams they move in together, but SIL won’t get rid of the cats and the mom is allergic. Mom wants to live in FL. She has seen the baby ONCE when hubby went down in early Jan. with sis and the baby. Baby born in June, her companion died in NOV. Before that she could use his illness as excuse, but now? The three of them had to go down to see HER. Seriously? I feel bad for the girl with that for a mom. When my kids were in HS and busy with activities did she come up and see them. Nope. Saw her about 2x a year. That was when she lived 50 miles away. Then she sees them and exclaims how big they’ve gotten. No SHxx, you haven’t seen them in a year! We felt she should be coming here since she didn’t work, go to school, cut the grass, or play sports…She was waiting for an engraved invitation.</p>
<p>Sadly, my SIL should just decide between foreclosure or bankruptcy because she is so underwater and a rental would be bigger and cheaper. She owes 120-130k and it’s worth about 80k and needs new heat/ac. She is doing NOTHING about it. Rather than fix the heat, they bought a very strong portable one that does the job. She is afraid to leave the father because he might try to get custody, but not happy with him either. I’m sure finances and tight living quarters play a big role in their problems.</p>
<p>I only work part-time and before the baby was born I thought I’d watch her from time to time to help save $. Then when I did watch her and it was so hard because I could not do ANYTHING in my home except sit with her or carry her around. She preferred if I was standing. I do have plans to start working more though, so SIL will need another plan. She doesn’t live near me, and her work is about 15 miles or more away. I will put it on my list to call some places.</p>
<p>Thanks for listening. I do talk about this with hubby, but I won’t criticize his mommy to him! His sis frustrates him too.</p>
<p>It strikes me that this question is as much about the role the original poster wants to play in this family’s life as it is about the cost of day care. NJfbmom, I have had to sort out a similar dilemma in my family, so I have deep empathy. If I can save you some angst, it would be to say put the “if only” thinking aside (got me nowhere) and decide for yourself who you want to be in relation to their likely ongoing dilemmas. Despite your wish to do right by the baby, this may not be the time for you to be the next in line sitter. If you can clarify this piece, then maybe you are more interested in helping with available childcare resources. Sometimes clergy are aware of a congregation member who would be just the fit and a more reasonable rate.</p>
<p>If your resentment of poor parental choices, coupled with a fear of being “over-asked” colors how receptive you are to the baby, then be honest with yourself and help them move forward.</p>
<p>That said, I can tell you that the rewards may outweigh the burdens over time. The child we stepped into help is now a happily married young mother, grateful to those who were there to show her how. We are enriched by the relationship. Win-win.</p>
<p>Thank you to those who remind me to think of the baby. I let myself get too much into the mindset of “she made this mess, she needs to fix it.” Luckily, I know the baby is loved and I hope she gets to end up living with a mommy and daddy who both love her and together can work to take care of her and fix their issues (financial and emotional). The one problem is with helping out is that if we are always there to bail her out, she loses the incentive to make changes. She needs to make changes in many ways, including daycare.</p>
<p>I will try to do better and help from a more loving point of view. I think I did lose sight of the baby’s needs in this. </p>
<p>I will say that I do STILL think that the daddy and his family (his dad and stepmom) should be in line to babysit before me. Hopefully Dad gets vacation time soon and once he thinks his job is secure, maybe they’ll make the jump to “real” daycare if it’s affordable at some point (and if they stay together).</p>
<p>I guess that’s enough said for this thread. Thank you all again for the perspective.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine paying anyone $25.00 a day to take care of a child. In my area the going rate for childcare is anywhere between $75.00 and $100.00 per day including use of a car and reimbursement for cell phone plans. There is additional payment if the day extends beyond the agreed hours of work. Their work day does not consist of sitting in front of a T.V and they are expected to be out and about engaging the child in stimulating activities. </p>
<p>In my opinion I would be fearlful of allowing someone who is willing to work for that price to watch my child for even more than 3 hours in a given day.</p>
<p>momma-three, I understand what you are saying, but some people cannot afford that much.</p>
<p>My SIL is lucky in that this babysitter is the daughter of a friend of hers. The sitter is home anyway watching her own 1.5 yr old child, so she is just looking for a little extra. If she was doing it as a BUSINESS and not just because she was home with her own little one I’m sure she would charge more. The down-side is that because of the low pay she probably does not mind the days she misses too much. SIL did make a comment once, when a date was in question, that the sitter would probably try to take her since she needs the $. I don’t think the sitter had a high paying job prior to this, so the $25 may seem fine to her. I will have to verify that it is $25, but I’m pretty sure that is what she said.</p>
<p>njfootballmom, you are right to be concerned about not wanting to further enable codependency by your sister without harming the innocent child. It is unfortunate that the parents do not make choices in the best interests of the child, but unfortunately, that is more common than we like to think about.</p>
<p>If you can bring a more loving attitude toward the child, it can only benefit the child and your relationship with the child. $25/day is less than I was paid as a babysitter when I was a teen decades ago! Hope things improve before your SIL decides whether to expand her family and before the child gets much older.</p>
<p>OP You might want to look for a sling for the baby. I had one when D was a baby, my mom used a wheelchair and it was the only way I could handle both of them (mom lacked the muscle co-ordination to hold on to a squirmy baby). At least you could get some things done–both hands are free. The movement and different activities might be interesting to the baby as well. For our D the sling worked better than a backpack or frontback devise. We used it for a couple of years, when she was older she sat in the sling on my hip, the sling was more security/support.</p>
<p>I see your point about further enabling bad decisions. It’s a tough spot, and the age difference/father role situation just increases the problems. It does seem reasonable for the daddy’s family to help out, have you tried suggesting that? Something like “I’m not available, can Grandpa XX help out?”</p>
<p>Mom2M, no sling would work that I know of. She was born the end of June and was either almost 9 or almost 10 pounds, I forget which. She is now wearing size 24 months! I know she is OVER 20 pounds, close to 25 I think, she is long/tall too. </p>
<p>When she asked me about the upcoming babysitter vacation I did tell her that I thought that the baby’s dad and parents should also help out. The dad’s mom is supposed to see what time she can get off.</p>
<p>She mentioned not wanting to take too much vacation time this early in the year. I don’t know how much she gets, or how much she’s used, but I told her to get used to it, that her vacation time is not hers anymore…now it’s the baby’s. It’s something working moms have to get used to. I told her that once I had 2 in daycare it wasn’t worth it because all my days went to sick kids, so we decided to live poorer and I stayed home. In her defense, she may have meant she wanted to have in case she NEEDED it and not for fun times…</p>
<p>momma-three–the reverse could be true too, no one here would ever consider paying $100/day for day care plus all of the extras you mentioned, that would be more than many second salaries around here. Cost of living and wages vary widely across the country that you can’t just say that “XXX dollars is what you should be paying for good day care”. I’m sure you couldn’t imagine being able to buy a nice, modern, 3000 sq foot house for $80,000 either…</p>
Good luck with that. My guess is that Grandma won’t really look into it. Dad and his family won’t volunteer to help out, because it’s far easier the way it is now (you doing it).</p>
<p>NJfootballmom, D was very tall the height wasn’t a problem for the sling. I don’t know about the weight, she wasn’t particularly heavy (more light for her height). </p>
<p>Hmm, if you are going to continue helping out there has to be a way to keep the baby entertained so you can get a few things done. I know for me that was critical in keeping my sanity. The toys at my parents were different then the toys at our house, so they were more interesting when we were there. A set of cardboard blocks was huge fun, and a set of playhut pop up tent/cubes. We really needed “kid stuff”–my sister and I had our 3 kids in three years, and we were at our parents house constantly due to my mother’s illness. Stress levels were high, and we developed a lot of coping strategies. Colored pencils instead of crayons, lots of paper, different videos (mostly animals, all 3 kids would watch those).
I am not suggesting you turn your house into a daycare, but a few different, only at Auntie’s house toys and some kind of activity (preferably a tiring activity that would induce a nap) might save your sanity until your SIL gets things better organized. Does Gymboree still hold drop in events? Or some kind of baby playground? Maybe a goggle search, or look for one of those freebie Parents magazines? I used to pick them up at the library all the time. It might cost you the cost of admission, but if she takes a nap when she gets home it might be worth it.</p>
<p>As a child development professional (and a mom!) I feel I should also bring up the fact that this child is being very age appropriate to have seperation anxiety at this age. SA often peaks at 10-18 months so keep in mind that developmentally, she is likely entering this milestone. And, with SA, it becomes more crucial to if possible, limit the # of child care providers - SA will likely only heighten with multiple caregivers that the child is not extremely comfortable with at this point in time.</p>
<p>You don’t need lots of expensive toys, but try to come up with some activities in each house space that you can first engage her with (sit down and interact and play with her) and then hopefully as you stay NEAR she will continue to play with. In the kitchen, give her some plastic containers, lids, cups, wooden spoons (safe ones). In the bathroom area, have a few board books in a basket. In the bedroom, let her empty out the sock drawer or throw a bunch of socks in a bin and let her take out/put in. </p>
<p>And play with her on your lap inbetween times when you can. :)</p>
<p>abasket and Mom2m, You guys have some good ideas. S2 used to LOVE playing in my kitchen island. It wasn’t a big one,but it did have doors on both sides and I have pics of him climbing in there. It mostly has my plastic stuff so that might be good. It didn’t even occur to me to bring her upstairs with me, I must be getting old!</p>
<p>Gymboree or something like that is worth a look, if she’s not too young. I’ll try to get some videos from my friend too, maybe I’ll grab some library books.</p>
<p>I know I was able to do stuff when mine were little so hopefully it gets better. I really wouldn’t mind if she were more portable (lighter), had a nap schedule and was easy to entertain etc. </p>
<p>Thanks again for the ideas. I needed a brain re-set on how to handle her.</p>
<p>I used the umbrella stroller A LOT when my kids were too heavy for me to carry but didn’t want to walk. We went out to the park, beach, zoo, aquarium, children’s museum, and LOTS of outings. They would sometimes fall asleep in the car, so I’d bring a book I could read, since they’d wake as soon as I tried taking them out of the car.</p>
<p>My kids LOVED playing with plastic containers & spoons (didn’t want them to have sharp objects). Used to use an inexpensive vinyl, flanel-backed tablecloth on the floor for them to be able to do messy art projects without getting it everywhere. There are washable crayons and washable felt pens now, which were a great boon for travel. Paint with water was also helpful–gave the kid a q-tip & small amount of water, with one page at a time.</p>
<p>Just wanted to say that I found out she is 23 pounds as of her check up a couple weeks ago (9 months). That’s 95th percentile! She visited yesterday and is officially crawling. My kids took forever to crawl properly, they did commando for a while, but she is up on all 4s. Her mom said her babysitter thinks she is happier now that she is more mobile. I had a big pile of clothes for her on the floor and she was very happy tossing them about. I guess that will be one way to entertain her when I watch her.</p>
<p>My friend mentioned that there are a lot of kids programs on Comcast On Demand, so there is no need to get DVD’s really. Good to know.</p>
<p>Don’t know what the future holds, but looks like foreclosure is down the road. She has stopped paying the mortgage and is just paying all the other bills because she can’t pay everything. I guess that is sort of like making a decision. The bank hasn’t sent any letters yet and she is months behind. It’s a really tough position and the real estate market can’t pick up fast enough to save her. I believe a fresh start in a rental she an afford will help a lot.</p>