I can’t disagree but unless that (grade disclosure) was in place since the get go adding that hurdle now is not value add. Send her back if she is in good academic standing. If the scholarship is lost the OP will see that when they go to pay the bill. The girl is being manipulative. If she is in ok academic standing then time for her to own her life path and if she is in academic trouble time to come clean and I fear nothing will happen until she is told she’s heading back to college. She will fail or succeed.
@roycroftmom But dad’s “free” option is to have DD commute. Have mom give up her car and have mom deal with this crap all day long. That sounds worse.
Agreed, @gearmom, but there doesn’t need to be any additional cash outlay. I would have already cut the cell phone. She doesn’t answer moms calls so why pay for it? She doesn’t need spending money, or if she does she can find a way to make some. Books are free at the library or she can buy them herself with her own savings. She can figure out her own transportation arrangements at her own cost. OP needs to limit the damage this woman can further inflict upon her.
@roycroftmom I don’t think they will take a tough stance,
I don’t understand how the approach they took has helped them at all. @redeye41 How have you gained anything? You wanted to see her grades and have her go to a doctor. Instead the plan is to have her take YOUR car, have YOU be abused every single day while DH does nothing AND STILL she doesn’t show her grades or see a doctor. Sounds like a crap deal for you. Send her back if her scholarship is still there. Go to counseling so you can be prepared for her next wave of blame. I actually would not have another family talk without a counselor. A counselor who can watch her lie and laugh at her mother crying. DH does not have the tools to deal with her. Do not try the family talk again without a counselor present.
Guess who gets blamed when she gets bad grades this semester. Mom and dad because DD had to commute. But mostly her abusive mom who makes her get up in the morning gets blamed. DD takes NO OWNERSHIP of her performance.
A counselor will help you predict the crap she will throw your way and then it won’t hurt so much and you can be prepared. Basically anything she does wrong will be YOUR fault. Don’t buy into her manipulation. Get her out of the house.
well, if they keep doing what they have been doing and expect a different result, that’s irrational, and not helping anyone, including the student. Really, most adults have it far worse than earning their own spending money, so I really don’t see that as a tough stance, but a realistic one. There is no excuse for this student’s behavior, and perhaps a counselor and some behavior intervention will get her to realize that and accept responsibility for her behavior.
^I don’t think it is tough either but apparently DD is in charge of the family. She said she doesn’t want to spend her savings.
@redeye41 You need to go to a counselor. You let her abuse you waiting for help that would never come from DH. You do not need DH’s approval or validation to stand up for yourself. You need the counselor to help empower you so that you can stop her from abusing you.
Oh boy. Stressful! OP, I hope you can see a therapist ASAP.
Try not to take your D’s insults personally. She is like a giant toddler, and is pushing you away.
As primary parent, you have a lot of power to drive this conversation and the decisions. My H offered up some pretty bad ideas for our D, and in hindsight, I think he was overwhelmed with the conflict & emotions and just wanted to see everyone happy and the “problem solved”.
In our experience, it was a waste of my time & energy to get him to agree. In the end, he was relieved to focus on work and let me handle it. He could not tolerate the conflict and it was easier for him to lose himself in work.
Big problems with kids can bust up marriages.
Ultimately, your D will have to find her own way. It can be very painful to watch and to find a way to offer your unconditional love without it sucking the life out of you.
Please update when you’ve seen that therapist!
I really think this thread has spiraled out of control and that people are overidentifying with one party or the other, mostly the mom. There are no doubt many sides to what is going on here. The daughter may even have reasons for her behavior. We cannot tell from online posts. I think we should stop speculating. The family needs professional advice, and the mom can go alone if no one else does. It’s amazing how much more effective we can be when we have a safe person to talk to. I’ll take my own advice- last post from me 
Ignoring everything else the main question is whether to send D back to college in a short two weeks.
If her scholarship is still intact, I’d send her back unless she does a sudden back flip and asks for the help you think she needs. It will have to be on her to make a go of it. This is one of those unfortunate times that comes under sink or swim. Any outcomes will have to be on her. At worst she can start and withdraw later.
There must be a way to check on the scholarship prior to getting zapped with a big bill even if you don’t see her grades.
Any way to find out through financial aid? Call to find out the upcoming bill (which would tell you).
D may not even know for sure–it might be wishful thinking on her part. She may have lost it or be on probation.
She’s obviously in trouble and lashing out rather than reaching for a life line.
You say she was fine and a great student in the past–I’m sure she still is despite her present behavior towards you. You recognize it as a symptom I’m sure. Your D can’t see it. And your H probably denies it.
Hopefully with help she’ll be back. But you can’t MAKE people do what you want them to–she’ll have to do the work and decide to get that help… Until that time all you can do is encourage her to help herself. Tell her to go talk to her dad if she doesn’t want to talk to you.
Coat yourself in titanium teflon in the meantime.
Her living at home and commuting is the worst of all options for all the reasons that have been espoused. Including the safety factor. Don’t do it. Even if she had her own car–don’t do it. It solves nothing and just ups the ante on continuing a horrible dynamic.