Hotels do accept prepayment in cash, with a debit card held for any room damage, and thus no credit card history. Used in extramarital trysts for decades. Alternatively, your kid can book the hotel and the roomie can just Venmo her the amount. Not hard to do this.
@roycroftmom I do not want my DD staying off campus in a hotel by herself.
“A hotel would not be a financial burden for roommate… Their parents would see the hotel charges on credit cards I assume.”
So why doesn’t your D stay in the hotel and roommate can reimburse her for the cost (via Venmo or cash)?
I was suggesting Your daughter books the room, the couple stays there and reimburses her. Not a big deal.
I’m a big fan of honesty. Now I’m completely lost on how the lack of a hotel charge would be a positive for the relevant parents. Nothing like sharing a twin bed to discourage sex, but perhaps they’re hiding the whole visit, not my circus, not my monkeys. Sounds like your daughter doesn’t have a great other option and she should say that - sorry Betsy, last time it was a mess and I ended up in the lounge. If I can’t find a place to stay, you’ll have to make other arrangements.
Gee, I think the parents would see a hotel charge and think that the boyfriend stayed in the hotel, the daughter in her dorm room. In fact, they could TELL the parents that and preempt the parents thinking otherwise. If they aren’t supposed to be having sex, maybe they aren’t?
I’d tell the roommate that when she tried to stay with others in the fall it just didn’t work out, that that weekend isn’t convenient because she has plans that involve her NOT bopping around campus, that she has school work to do. It may be hard to find some other room to stay in on Valentine’s weekend as other may also have date plans.
How about if the roommate stays (with boyfriend) in someone else’s room and that someone else (perhaps someone with a single) stays in her bed? Roommate and boyfriend can be the ones who find someone to switch rooms.
I’m sorry, but I still think it’s tacky because if the BF can get there for two days, then the BF can spring for a room. It doesn’t matter that they’re religious, so the excuse that they can’t go anywhere else doesn’t hold any merit. He can pay cash upfront at a hotel.
My girls put up with a lot of this when they had roommates, and they did have conversations about it, but the “favors” continued to be requested. Thankfully, they both were fed up and said “no more”. My son had to put his foot down when his roommate started to do one-nighters. Started charging the kid $150 on Fridays. $200 on Saturdays. Amazing how you can find a room with the right incentive.
I know I don’t have any patience, but when my college roommate needed her space, I would leave and make other arrangements. Generally, he would visit from out of town for a night.
She was a considerate roommate and in 3 years, she asked maybe twice. Neither she, nor he, abused it.
In this world we teach people how to treat us. Your daughter needs to stop worrying about her roommate’s wishes for privacy with her boyfriend and worry about her own needs. Not only is important for her to stand up to her roommate for this particular situation, but to improve that skill for other situations. This roommate will take advantage of your dd until your dd teaches her not to. This is a no brainer.
Those of you who are saying “no” don’t seem to get that this is part of college life and, if the student says no, she still has to live with her roommate. I don’t love the idea but she did get a lot of notice. I hope that student wouldn’t ask if she didn’t think the OP’s D didn’t have friends she could stay with. At S19’s school, they all have sleeping bags so it’s not a big deal to sleep on someone’s floor for two nights. Be glad that the boyfriend isn’t a student at the school because then he may be overnight a lot more than two nights. S19’s roommate has a girlfriend at school and she spends the night sometimes. S isn’t thrilled but has made it clear that he will not stay out of the room upon request since it’s his room too. If they need privacy, they need to work it around when S19 has plans to be out. And he put his foot down when she spent the night before he had a big test or a big meet the next day.
I sort of wish he had just said no from the get go but he said he likes his roommate and the roommate is respectful. He just happens to be dating someone. He thinks the roommate would do the same for him if he had a girlfriend.
Editing - just saw @UGG2023 's last post. I didn’t realize your D has been asked to leave other times. I would go with @Empireapple 's suggestion. They need to talk and this is a good way to approach it. Kind of like what S19 does. His roommate has some privacy. S likes to study at the library each night and isn’t usually home until 11:30 so his roommate has time to be with his girlfriend. Communication is key and I hope the student asking your D to leave is thankful and not just expecting your D to leave just because she asks. I wonder if the parents even know he’s visiting. How do they explain it? Where is he supposedly sleeping?
I think any parent would and should have a problem with their daughter sleeping in the lounge and not because it’s uncomfortable. It’s not a safe situation.
This is a great life lesson on boundaries for both parties!
I think the student has to make a decision she can live with, and I suggest an honest conversation with roommate to discuss student’s concerns.
So, do not say yes or no quickly, but do share how the previous eviction endly badly. Are there options for compromise? Long daytime hours away from your room, but you come back to sleep in your room. Or you give them one night alone.
Honest conversation, allowing roommate to share their opinions also, is best hope for a better overall resolution.
No, she doesn’t. She can change roommates if she wants. It’s unreasonable to ask someone to give up the space they paid for and sleep in a public space or on someone’s floor because it’s convenient for you. And OP’s daughter doesn’t have to give a reason for refusing or suggest alternatives. “No, that won’t work for me” is a reasonable response.
It’s not that easy at all to change roommates at many colleges.
Although I don’t think it is a big deal like others do, I do think an open, honest discussion is best. Perhaps the roommate is unaware of the hassle it imposed on the OP’s daughter last time. Nothing wrong with explaining that.
Once a semester seems reasonable. But I also get that the last time ended badly so your D would be hesitant. But even if your D stays in the room with them, isn’t she going to feel awkward with them sleeping together in that twin bed so close to hers?
At one of my kid’s colleges, this matter was nicely settled by the RA. If anyone objected, the RA nicely explained the need for a hotel room to the host of any overnight visitor, per college policy.
Anyone who took Social
psych is familiar with the “foot in the door technique”. If you can get a person to acquiesce to one small request, then subsequent and typically more involved or invasive requests are harder to say no to.
Thus, with that in mind, this is an excellent opportunity for boundary setting which is a HUGE skill that all people need to be comfortable with and savy at implementing.
Say “sorry but that doesn’t work for me.”
I’m sure there is a hotel they can use and find. It is not your D’s responsibility to figure this out. The roommate and bf have the ability to find their own solutions without your daughter involved.
And I would NOT recommend your daughter booking a hotel, etc and dealing with reimbursement. Again, boundary setting. “That doesn’t work for me”.
When D2 lived in her sorority she had a roommate. The roommate had an out of school boyfriend who came to visit often. D2 told the roommate she didn’t want to move out whenever the BF visited. The roommate and BF didn’t find it a hardship to get a hotel when he visited, so it worked out.
D1’s roommate had an on campus BF. He had an off campus apartment so they could get together. I don’t think the roommate would have asked D1 to move out.
MUST your D vacate the room? No. She pays for half of the room and perfectly within her rights to stay.
WOULD IT BE NICE for her to do so? IMO yes. If she and her roommate get along well, if this is the only time she has been asked all year to leave then I think it would be a very nice gesture for her to spend the weekend in a friend’s room. She certainly can let the roommate know that this is a one time thing and that she will need to stop by during the afternoon to change clothing, get books etc. but they should be able to work that out.
I think she should say “NO”. It’s her room too. She should not have been asked. Let them get a hotel room.
I’m with @Empireapple . This is not the D’s problem to solve and she needs to be firm, but fair. Otherwise it will happen again and again.
I think this “problem” is indicative of so many kids these days. They want to have sex, so the roommate has to leave the room for two whole nights? Let them figure it out the old fashioned way. That’s what janitor closets are for, right?
One night is maybe reasonable to ask, but two? OPs daughter is expected to majorly inconvenience herself so a couple of teens/young adults can have some hanky panky. Sorry, but there are many creative ways for the lovebirds to get their alone time, and it’s more than generous for the OPs D to give them a few hours of privacy over the two days.