Your daughter has a right to sleep in her own bed. The way to refuse the request is to say “sorry, that doesn’t work for me.” If the roommate persists in asking, it’s not your daughter who’s damaging the relationship.
I wouldn’t be eager to have my daughter sleep out in the open in a dorm lounge. I wouldn’t feel safe sleeping out in the open like that and I wouldn’t want my daughter to do it either. And she shouldn’t have to sleep on someone’s floor either.
I understand the desire to preserve their friendship. Maybe agree to one night and some agreed upon times during the next day.
This is a good time to really learn the true meaning of friendship and self evaluation IMO. Many of us as adults look back and wish that we had not let certain people who were in our lives take advantage of us for as long as they did, me included. I personally would never have the nerve to ask someone to sleep somewhere else so that my boyfriend can spend the night with me. A room where she or her parents are paying for the room and board, having to pack up books, find somewhere to study, hang out etc. I think it’s a personal problem between the room mate and her boyfriend. They want to be together and there is nothing wrong with that but they should not inconvenience someone else to do it. They should work out the details on how they are going to be together leaving your DD out of it. Your DD should let her room mate know that she is not comfortable with it. Period. No other explanation needed. If she is not her friend anymore then she never was. Friends still remain friends even when they do not agree. This is also a lesson for BF who as a young man should be trying to figure this out, it’s about personal responsibility. Reading this just gives me one more topic of discussion to have with DD20.
“Yeah, I tried that last fall…staying with friends…but they stayed out late and I couldn’t get into the room and had to sleep in the lounge so I am not doing that again. Tell you what, though, BF can sleep in your bed, and I will make sure to be out of the room from 9-12pm or other agreeable time and generally try to make myself scarce.”
Or the enclosed showers in the coed bathrooms?
Wow, it’s very clear some of you haven’t been in college in a while!
This is very common, so much so I’d say that I’d find it very odd for someone to decline the request… especially freshman year, there’s always OOS b/gfs visiting. It’s just one weekend, and a hotel is a big expense for college kids.
This is honestly such commonplace that I’m shocked at all of your responses as I have never seen/heard anyone in my friend group complaining about it, we kinda just accept that it happens and lend each other our floor! lol
My young self says no problem since I was that boyfriend but my old parent self says no. Weird how views change. Many colleges have rooms for guests. Usually cheaper then a hotel. Arbnb at many places are very reasonable. Sure the whole I will be out of the room to midnight but I will be sleeping in my bed thing is a compromise. But the smell and sounds of sex will be there. Doesn’t sound as attractive as it once was… Hmmmm…
I think in this new generation the burden is on the roommate… These are smart kids. They can figure it out. Many youth hostels have family rooms. Cheaper then a hotel and you can go and pay cash.
They can find a hotel room for less than $100 per night. That’s what summer jobs are for. Save the money for things like this I think if you are old enough to have sex you should be able to pay for a place to have it.
I don’t think the roommate should have put your daughter in that position. I guess it’s the norm for college students. Your daughter doesn’t have to agree.
This is something that your DD has to decide. You can refer her to the answers on this post. They vary greatly. It really comes down to how much of an imposition this is to your and daughter.
This isn’t a new phenomenon. Back in my day, we’d get “sexiled” too. When it got chronic, someone would feel imposed upon, and a discussion would have to happen.
Personally, I’d find a place for the two nights. It would be a tense situation sharing the room with a third person after declining to leave. I never had any problem finding someone with a sofa or a pad for the floor, and it made for good will. My roommate had a BF at Princeton visited regularly. Having to vacate the room for SOs visiting was a common occurrence and we’d have overnight guests in our room at times who were sexiled as well. Not only for over night but for privacy time for an afternoon or evening.
Where it became a problem was when the roommate become downright abusive of the favor and it became a very regular thing or started bringing one night stands there.
But this is your DD’s decision to make.
No. Just no. I find it very sad that this is even a question. ?
So can she say, “Sorry, but that didn’t work out for me last time. If I can’t stay in my room, you need to pay for a hotel room for me. Or you and bf can get a hotel room. Your choice, but you need to pay.”
Pinkitydrinkity do you think the parents on this board weren’t having sex “back in the day?” Not only was sex going on 20, 30, 40 years ago in college, but according to research, our generations were having more of it. So…no it isn’t that we haven’t been in college in a while, it’s that those of us who wouldn’t have kicked out roommates out for two whole nights were a more considerate crowd.
@pinkitydrinkity , you find it odd that someone doesn’t want to be stuck sleeping in a lounge and being inconvenienced for two nights? I’m guessing you don’t find it odd because you are perhaps making these requests yourself.
Maybe the difference now is that there is a presumption that students must allow this to happen. No, they don’t have to give up their rooms. And when kids can order food or Uber or buy stuff with a touch screen, I see no problem with spending their own cash on a room for a dirty weekend. Or the visiting boyfriend can sleep in the lounge, no problem.
@pinkitydrinkity I ran this by my D19 and she said no way. They could get a hotel or have sex in a car, but she wouldn’t leave herself without her bed for their pleasure. I’m surprised that people seem to think it’s ok or normal to ask people to be put out for something so frivolous, considering they can make off-campus arrangements.
It is super common at D’s school to give couples a couple of hours alone in the room and then have the bf/gf sleep over on a futon or something. One of my d’s roommates last year had a bf who was there more than 50% of the time. The other girls thought he was super and included him in their secret santa exchange and jokingly referred to him as the 5th roommate. It doesn’t have to be such a big deal.
I think the sex part isn’t even that relevant. If the roommate’s cousin was visiting for 2 days, would she ask for the other girl to leave entirely, so that she could have the room to herself/her cousin? I wouldn’t think that was reasonable either. An overnite visitor can sleep on the floor for one or two nights, but asking anyone to vacate is unreasonable. I hope my kids would set appropriate boundaries with roomies.
If I like my roommate, I would agree and make her take my bathroom cleaning duty for the next month as a payment. If I don’t like her, I would say “no” and stop the conversation without any other arguments.
@momofsenior1 , that’s true, no doubt. I’m afraid my son is the guilty one and his GF, who goes to a nearby school, is there literally every weekend, along with another guy’s GF. None of them seem to mind, as far as I can tell. The difference here is that the OPs D doesn’t want to vacate her room for two nights, and she shouldn’t have to. I doubt anyone minds leaving the room for a couple of hours so they can have alone time.
Again… My adult self is not so thrilled with my college self. I was that 5th wheel, per se. My wife then girlfriend roomed with her girlfriend that with her boyfriend we all knew each other. Sure one night I stayed there in her bunk with roommate in top bunk. Same for girlfriend and her boyfriend when I wasn’t around. We all grew up together. The most fun was when both of us boys were there with our girlfriends (both current wives, this was 32 years ago) since we would just stay up all night and talk etc. Fun times…
But did her roommate and vice versa really appreciate me or him staying over (this was all once in awhile)?. 2 young adults aren’t just sleeping… Can’t imagine what I would find out if I asked that person today…hmm.
Here’s my take… No one and I mean no one should be made to feel uncomfortable. If your daughter is good with it, then it wouldn’t of been a post here. Since she is uncomfortable with it then other plans should be made. I just think that’s fair.
My D has talked about people being “sexiled” for periods of time from their room but not overnight. Funny enough, they were asked questions about these situations on their roommate matching forms. They were asked about how they felt about friends spending the night and those more than friends spending the night. I assume the questions were including because it’s a common enough occurrence and likely causes drama.