Dealing w/ the Stress of the Application Process: How to Know When You/Your Kid Need(s) Help - ASK ME ANYTHING!

We are celebrating Neurodiversity Week this week with a dedicated AMA hosted by Mental Health Advocate @MaineLonghorn and Mental Health Professional @jym626. With HS Seniors going through the process of figuring out if they got into their dream school, the whole process might have taken a toll on their mental health. How do you deal with the application stress? How do you cope with a rejection? As a parent, how do you know when your kid is going through something and needs help? What are some signs to look for? Ask us your questions below and @MaineLonghorn and @jym626 will provide valuable guideline.

@MaineLonghorn is the parent of three adult children, all of whom have been diagnosed with a mental illness (ranging from mild to very severe). Two of her children have graduated from college, while the third had to drop out of school after studying biomedical engineering and applied math. He lives in supported housing in her area. All three of her children have given her permission to share their stories.

She is on the Board of Directors of NAMI Maine and speaks all over the state on mental health issues. She is also an ambassador for the ABLE National Resource Center (ABLE accounts are tax-advantaged savings and investment accounts for individuals with disabilities).

@jym626 is a clinical psychologist with specialty in clinical neuropsychology. She retired after practicing in a large metropolitan area for almost 40 years. In addition to providing direct clinical diagnostic evaluations and psychotherapy, she collaborated with physicians, psychologists, attorneys, educators, therapists and other allied health professionals to evaluate the needs of their clients. Additional consultation services included independent record review/review of psychological, neuropsychological and psychoeducational evaluations, and Workers’ Compensation evaluations and treatment.

She has held several offices in the state psychological association, chaired annual conferences and was appointed to, and served for many years on, three committees of the State Bar. She is a member of several state and national professional organizations. She also served as a longtime consultant to a major managed care company.


Are you a professional willing to share your journey and offer career guidance to our community?

Send me a private message and let me know!

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No question, but thank you for doing this. I do believe the stress of the college process, and just high school in general, is sometimes overlooked by people, so stuff like this is helpful in building awareness.

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@MaineLonghorn, @jym626, thanks for doing this? I’ll ask a first question.

What advice do you have for kids who are waiting for the schools decisions? How should they deal with the mental stress? Also, how should they cope with a rejection and how can parents help during this process?

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My first advice is to go do something you enjoy! Focus on things to look forward to- prom, graduation, etc. Turn your attention to the things you can control, not the things you can’t. The applications are in and the waiting is in process! Hopefully many students have had some positive feedback already. Certainly the FAFSA issues add to the stress, but until more information is available, go enjoy springtime!

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As for coping with rejection, it is helpful for parents to acknowledge and validate the disappointment, not minimize it. Disappointment, sadness, etc is natural, so let your child know you understand and share their feelings, but then see if you can redirect them to focus on the choices they do have. Most kids are pretty resilient and can brush off the disappointment, sometimes faster than the parents! Typically validating the “loss” and comforting them helps them to get closure on it.

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More a comment than a question
 we have learned a tremendous amount about our DD’s very high and complicated anxiety (a comorbidity of ADHD) during the application process, and how it looks when she’s in ‘freeze’ mode. There is so much generalizing about what kids should be able to do - or should want to do - when it comes to selecting schools, making contacts with AO’s, etc. The term laziness feels cruel in a sense, as it’s an easy default when someone doesn’t quite conform to our (again, generally speaking) capitalist view of work and what it means to be productive. The more support we can give struggling young people now the better they will be able to cope when their underdeveloped brains reach about 25. This does not mean coddling, it means validating and helping right size tasks so our kids can feel successful. It is ok to slow down the process for some kids, they will all land where they need to be.

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I knew each of my neurodiverse kids needed help with structure and timelines and ways to break down big steps into very small ones. Having the privilege of getting a college counselor that they could talk with and help them organize the steps in visiting colleges and applying to colleges was helpful to them and to us as parents. We also started early in the process of loving “likelies” and diving deep into great program interests vs brand name big $ schools
 We also tested assumptions- For example: Instead of letting a comment go - I do not want to go to a small school
 we pushed back and asked what could be the positives in a small school over a large school and what might be the drawbacks. As we toured schools and heard from college friends, we added to each column. A central cafeteria vs multiple places to eat became a feature not a bug. The reason is my son really liked a central place to try to meet and catch up with people. This seemed like a plus to him. Remote colleges we looked at over urban schools, tended to have more regular, full time faculty living and working better hours than some of the urban schools. Now these are 100% proven across all schools. Features/variables whatever you might call different parts to a college experience is personal to each family and based on what they can gather in research. One other key aspect we learned from our oldest to our next two kids, is how well planned and facilitated is orientation? Oldest son’s orientation was all general meet ups and nothing in small groups that helped facilitate breaking the ice and knowing names and making connections in his first week. It was a lot of meet on the quad for food trucks and music or student dance show. In hindsight, he should have gone on the reorientation trip offered to help with initial direct introductions


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Well said. Remember that dreaded feeling we would have if we were called to the principal’s office in primary school (even if it could be for something good?) Multiply that discomfort by 10, 20 or more and you can perhaps understand severe, at times debilitating anxiety. Commonly, the first response to something that is anxiety-producing is to avoid it. It is more immediately comforting. It may not be as convenient, but it is more comfortable. Afraid of an elevator? Take the stairs. Afraid to speak in even a small group? Go to the restroom just before it’s your turn (I had a client who did this). Afraid of balloons or clowns? Don’t go to parties. These are all real fears/phobias and can be very disabling to some.

Helping students learn, in small steps, to relax, to learn to tolerate at first a small level of anxiety and then slowly expose them to the source of the discomfort after they have learned the tools to manage/tolerate/ameliorate the discomfort can help them to not only address and manage the specific anxiety issue, but they can learn to generalize it to manage other sources of anxiety. We all get anxious about something. Its how we control it, rather than it controlling us, that is the key.

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What things do you recommend students and parents or look for at schools where they have been accepted in terms of the supports and services provided for ADHD and other neurodivergent kids, so they can pick the best option for them and be prepared to succeed in the environment? My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD Inattentive type this year, and we know she may struggle in the college environment where she doesn’t have a highly structured day and parents who can help her manage her schedule and nudge her to finish assigments, etc on time.

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Welcome to CC!
There is a section on CC where this has been discussed frequently, as it is a very important topic. Here is one example in the Learning Differences forum: Colleges with LD centers for Neurodiverse, 2E, ADHD, with ASD-level support in the Northeast? - Parents Forum / Learning Differences and Challenges - LD, ADHD - College Confidential Forums

While this may be a bit off topic for the focus of this AMA, here is a brief summary of what to look for: Look at the school’s website’s Office of Disability (and/or Student Support) Services. There are what I consider 3 different levels of support at colleges and universities

-Basic accommodations (the school likely has an ADA coordinator for disability-related services, they may, for example, offer writing/math labs and have academic mentors/peers, and if your student qualifies for any accommodation(s), they will have you take the documentation to the professors).

-Then there are schools with Coordinated LD services. These schools usually have several part or fulltime staff, peer tutors, tutorial centers, advocacy training, they may offer study skills and time management services, outreach to faculty, they perhaps have a certified LD specialist or other staff with specified LD training, etc.

-Then there are schools that offer Comprehensive/Structured programs or are specialty schools that often have innovative enrichment programs where staff works closely with students. Some of these programs have separate admissions processes and may have a separate fee. Staff commonly meets frequently with the students to help with things like organization/executive function, help setting up accommodations, technology support, organizers, etc.

Some schools have also adopted the Universal Design for Learning principles UDL On Campus: Home that may use alternative educational tools with customizable/flexible options for learning environments and curricula.

If your daughter is deciding between schools, contact the disability services/academic support offices and ask what services and examples of accommodations they can provide, if your daughter is qualified/approved for these services. I am assuming the evaluation completed on your daughter has some specific intervention recommendations provided so that she will qualify for support services.

Hope this helps!
This book is an excellent resource

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DS is a 2E kid. Diagnosed May 2023 (end of sophomore year) with dysgraphia and general anxiety and has an extremely gifted IQ (he is also borderline ADHD inattentive presentation). His grades as a freshman and sophomore therefore do not reflect his ability. Junior year has been much better - he has learnt to advocate for himself with his teachers when they cannot understand his writing and get points back, he can use a computer when needed etc . How much should he disclose on his applications? Do we let the school counsellor explain his poor overall GPA, should he disclose it in the additional information section, or should he write about it in his essay? Exactly how much should he share? Would sharing too much be detrimental to his chances of admission?

Again this is a bit tangential to this AMA, and there are many varying opinions on what, when and with whom to share, as well as the difference between explaining and excusing. It sounds like he is showing a strong upward trend, and you might want to see how his grades turn out this year before deciding. It may also depend on the schools he is considering.

Ok - thanks for responding.

If you type in “disclose ADHD” in the search (magnifying glass up in the upper right corner) it will pull up many threads where the pros and cons of disclosing/explaining disparate grades, etc are discussed.

And to add another thought- if your s. does choose to discuss/disclose it in an essay or personal statement, the focus should be on what he has learned about himself, the skills he has developed and successfully implemented to manage his attention issues and how that has helped his academics and even more so how that has helped him grow as a person.

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Thankyou - that is helpful. I appreciate your advice!

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As the admission results roll in, please remember, that the decision about what to share about the results and to/with whom should always be the students’. Sometimes parents and other adults forget that their child might not like their results shared. We have seen several posters here on CC say that they are worried that people will think they are stupid, or that they disappointed their friends/family/school if they didn’t get into a school or schools they had hoped (or that people thought they would). Let’s please remember that these are kids, and their feelings can be fragile.

Others have also noted that some parents overshare on their facebook pages, and it may also have unintended consequences for the friends and families who see it who might not have had the same results.

Just a gentle reminder as the admission results roll in.

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Keep in mind that your kids are on pins and needles. Cut them some slack. They’re probably thinking if they don’t get into their “dream school” that their life is over. Make sure you let them know that you will be proud of them wherever they end up. I learned with our middle kid that we needed to tell him we were proud of him quite often!

If your child seems overly anxious or stressed, I would seriously recommend finding a counselor for him or her. We got counselors for two of our three children, and I think it helped a lot. Kids are going to share more with counselors than they will with their parents. They need a safe place to vent and share their anxiety.

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We recognize that this is a sensitive matter. If you have questions or want to share your struggles but don’t want to have those associated with your profile just send me a message and I will post in your behalf (and guarantee total privacy).

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Good video on the today show today. I always recommend during the app process to have at least one day a week where there is no college discussion. College admissions: How to manage stress, pressure and rejection

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