<p>Ok, now is the time to fess up. Not everything turns out the way we would want. Who has a kid who just slides by and is debating enrolling at the local JC or maybe just going on a trip across country with some fellow underachievers after graduation?</p>
<p>Wow, I would feel bad if my parents thought I was an underachiever. Their my parents, suppose to motivate me not remind me that think I’m a loser.</p>
<p>What if you really are an underachiever, though? Isn’t it your parents’ job to get you going? (Not saying the OP’s kid is one, necessarily.)</p>
<p>Did you mean disappointed rather than disappointing?</p>
<p>Are these are kids who march to the beat of a different drummer, rather than fellow underachievers?</p>
<p>Underachievers are not motivated by whatever it is in which they are underachieving.</p>
<p>Hopefully they can find something that they care enough about that they will work at it.</p>
<p>My son was a mild sort of underachiever in high school. Didn’t work very hard, didn’t aspire to anything more than the state university – even though his ability could have taken him much farther if he ever applied himself. Didn’t even have any ECs – he just messed around on his computer most of the time and worked at part-time jobs to support his software habit.</p>
<p>He’s now a junior at that state university, majoring in computer science. Sometime during the first two years of college, he grew up. He is now kicking academic butt, with an excellent GPA and an undergraduate research project in progress. I will also add that he is an extremely nice person who didn’t complain a bit about spending his Christmas break doing chores and running errands for his younger sister and me after I rendered myself useless by breaking my leg.</p>
<p>He just wasn’t ready to grow up in high school. Now he is. It worked out fine.</p>
<p>And I would have to say " who owns this problem"?
I think it can be totally appropriate to attend a CC- I know students who have done so and transferred to schools like Oberlin and Uchicago- I wouldn’t call them underacheiving for saving some money by doing so.</p>
<p>Would you call Bill Gates or Steve Jobs underacheivers?
no college degree for either- although I hear Harvard is going to give Gates an honorary one :D</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Thanks! As a parent, I need to remember this sometimes.</p>
<p>AS someone who has a mini-entreprenuer on her hands ( he already has venture capitalists chasing him), I would be very disapointed if he did not complete at LEAST an undergraduate degree. Knowing the history of the Gates family, I am sure his parents were disappointed at the time. </p>
<p>To the OP, I’ve had a few tippy boats in my arena but having grown up with brothers who didn’t live up to their potential, I devised numerous strategies to right those tippy boats and keep them on track. The essential ingriedient is a fantastic vision of a future life–which cannot be reached without education.</p>
<p>My S could well be a kid OP describes. He’s still young – will start high school next fall – but so far appears to be the classic underachiever, one not terribly concerned about grades or assignments or even failing. I believe part of the problem is maturity, or lack there of. At 14, he’s more child-like, emotionally and physically, than his peers.</p>
<p>So Marian, I really appreciate your post. I love to hear stories of late bloomers who not only bloom, but blossom. Thanks :)</p>
<p>My son, who never liked high school, went to a 2 year college and dropped out. On the other hand he turned out to have a very strong work ethic in paid employment and his employers always ask him to come back when he moves on and give him glowing references. He is 20 now and is going back to school - enrolls tomorrrow for some summer classes in fact. And is actually happy about it :). I think he is ‘ready’ now and he just was not before. Sometimes you just have to wait till they are ready and a year or so in the real world can do that for them.</p>
<p>I can sympathise with you. I do think it is a maturity problem and eventually the light bulb will switch on. In the meantime it is of course disappointing when all around you, kids and parents are making plans for college and everyone is full of ambition and motivation. We are pressured to measure our success as parents by what our children achieve and its not easy ignoring that.</p>
<p>“disappointing child”…if I may be so blunt…perhaps this lack of motivation is not merely the fault of your child but rather the social forces around him or her!!! Maybe things need to be reordered and the game of blaming/ accusing brought to a halt… taking a year off to travel across the country might be refreshing and a good opportunity for your child to gain independence and perhaps some newly found motivation to succeed in life!</p>
<p>Barrons, I think there are two things: one, even if you are feeling disappointed, you need to show unconditional love and appreciation for your kid, trying to see his strengths even if they seem frustratingly elusive. That being said, if the kid is a 18, then you have to have a “now that you are an adult” talk in which you lay down the rules very clearly: (a) what money you will give him and on what conditions, (b) what the conditions are for him to continue living in your house; etc.</p>
<p>My son went happily off to college, but he came home the first summer and did nothing but goof off and sleep, and after the second year, he announced he was not going back and spent about 5 weeks sleeping th couch until noon. </p>
<p>I typed up a list of all sorts of financial issues and then sat down with him to discuss “terms” one day – this included things like health insurance, etc. – items that I had paid for but would not be covered if he were not in school.</p>
<p>I told him – in June - that he had until Sept. 1st to live in my house; after that, he could not stay unless he was either employed or attending school.</p>
<p>I told him that if he went back to school part time, at the local cc or via a CSU or UC extension program, I would pay the tuition, but he was on his own for living expenses. (i.e., no allowance).</p>
<p>He had a full time job by the end of July and had moved out of the house by November. He worked 3 years and is now back in school, paying his own way. He has grown tremendously with his work - and after he had been working a while and living on his own, I could tell by his newfound confidence and maturity that it had been the right decision for him. I have felt tremendously proud of him with each new work-related accomplishment, from the first promotion after two weeks on the job. </p>
<p>Now that he is back in school he also has a half-time job, and he calls me to talk about new projects at work and new assignments - he is tremendously engaged and involved with his work. At the same time, he is doing well in school (straight A’s last semester) – but called me to complain because the stuff he is taught in class is too theoretical and divorced from the real world. He has a hard time getting started with academic writing assignments, even though he writes very well and was always taking initiative to write things like press releases or informational flyers at his jobs. </p>
<p>So I can see that my son really is not the academic type, but definitely is energetic and involved on the job – once he found the right job. </p>
<p>So keep in mind that some kids take a little longer to grow up than others, and school is not always the right place for a young adult. My son will complete his degree – he hopes to have it by next December - but he is anxious to get out of school and on with his life. He is almost age 24 and has supported himself entirely since age 20. </p>
<p>Again: as a parent you need to provide love and emotional support, but also set boundaries. My experience with BOTH my kids was that they actually appreciated being treated like adults and having the rules clearly stated, even though I was telling them that I was no longer giving them the money they were used to. (My daughter in school, but she still got “the talk” about discontinuation of allowance – I expect her to user her own earnings for incidental expenses in college).</p>
<p>OK<em>JOKING</em>. All the sincere angst in the “dealing with disappointment” thread kinda made my need for some sarcasm buzzer go off.
Obviously I have to be more obvious.</p>
<p>dumba** :-X</p>
<p>Jeez… I was surprised that you, of all people, were dealing with an off-track kid… but I figured that it happens to us all and tried to help, having “been there” myself in a sense. </p>
<p>I don’t think it’s a funny joke at all, Barrons… because your “joke” is a very real situation for many parents who don’t frequent this board, including many who probably find this board scary and depressing as they try to navigate the more rocky path of parenting a teen who isn’t perfect. </p>
<p>It seemed kind of harsh that a parent would post that… but those who are in that boat do have very real feelings of frustration…</p>
<p>But thanks for the head’s up. I won’t waste time and energy responding to your posts in the future.</p>
<p>Calmom,</p>
<p>I really appreciated your post. I think there’s a one size fits all mentality that assumes that kids ARE going to be ready for college at 18. In my experience, students who go back to college after a break are motivated and focused and do quite well. In the long run, it doesn’t make any difference if they graduate in their mid-20s or a few years earlier. Actually, grad schools and employers often prefer students with some life experience.</p>
<p>Lighten up Francis. There has to be a little countervailing force to all this worry over things that really are pretty much out of ones control.</p>
<p>Wow Barrons…your post wasn’t sarcasm or humour…just a reminder once again that there are all sorts out there.</p>
<p>I guess coming from the land of The Onion, Kentucky Fried Theater (basis for Sat Night Live), Fargo, and MST3000 my humor is a little more bent than some others. Sometimes “reality” is the height of sarcasm/humor. Sorry you did not get it.</p>