Dealing with a Dream Denied...(long)

fredo · March 25, 2005, 6:50pm

Last year at this time my daughter was waiting to hear from her three reach schools - which, to give you some perspective, would probably be safeties for your son. She had pretty much already made up her mind on where to go (and from where she is now intending to transfer out of) but she still wanted to just have those acceptances to show that she was qualified enough. She was rejected from all of them and lo and behold, the earth did not fall in and she was so gung ho about the school she had decided to attend, that I think her disappointment lasted about 1 day.

Like others, I’m betting he gets into a few of those schools and then $$ comes into play big time. I have a friend who is actually hoping her daughter gets rejected from Northwestern because there’s no way to pay that $40K + bill. But getting rejected and being disappointed is a fact of life. And it’s what helps build character and makes a person who he is. It’s a necessary evil - especially when there’s some cushioning available e.g.merit scholarship from UMiami.

That doesn’t make it any easier, however, to see our children hurt. But, truly, we feel it worse than they do and based on how you express yourself so thoughtfully on this board I’m betting that you are equally supportive and say just the right things in person to your son.

A long, long time ago I applied to 8 schools and kept getting rejections left and right to schools I swore I would love and just HAD to go to because they were such excellent and perfect for me schools. I had a few state school acceptances (the SUNY system) but I did not want to go. I finally got the last notice - an acceptance to my 7th choice school but with a very good FA package (which I had to have). Went to visit, fell in love and never looked back. The school? Duke. (And for the record, NO WAY would I ever get in today. I’m still not sure why I ever was accepted way back then.) The world works in mysterious ways and things happen for a reason we don’t know at the moment but, in the end, were truly meant to be.

I hope your son is happy - and I’ll bet he will be.

jamimom · March 25, 2005, 7:15pm

Well, Mini, you did have your “dream school” or as you call it, your “escape from NYC” school though there are many other schools outside of NYC, most, however, not as selective or “elite” as the one you chose. I do agree with you about the dream school concept, but what do you do when it happens? I did not have a dream school, nor did my kids, but a lot of kids do. Or they have a dream goal to be a doctor, lawyer, pilot, you name it. Sure, the dream has some nightmarish interludes when they come true, as life just not a dream unlike that little ditty says, but many of us do make plans that somehow formulate themselves into a dream, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing that this happens. The problem comes when anyone is not flexible enough to adapt to the realities of the situation. The dream school can remain a dream school if you do not get in, by the way, as reality does not rain its hailstones on you.

I think the open mindedness with which your D conducted her college search is commendable and as a result she got exactly what she wants as she constructed and changed those desires as she looked and examined the situation. It’s harder to do that when you don’t visit the schools and go into the nitty gritty of the financial situation during the search. In working with families of talented kids who are such excellent students, I have found that it is incomprehenible to the parents that the colleges are not going to be standing in line for the kid. In a sense living in a highly competitive area, going to a highly competitive school such as New Trier, Scarsdale, Milburn is a good reality check, as you can see how heavy the “competition” is, and hear the talk about the reality of sending kids to college. But then you are living in this college app world for such an extended period of time (as I have doing the work I do, and having as many kids as I do) which is a distorted sense of reality too.

My neighbor’s son’s dream school is a local catholic school that does not show up on these threads that I recall. He has his fingers crossed that he gets in as that is where his girlfriend is going, and he had a bad midyear report that is compromising his acceptance. Not a school most of the CC poster would have as dream school, but for this kid it is where he fervently wants to go. Who knows if he does not get it and ends up elsewhere that he does not find another girlfriend who suits him better and a bunch of other serendipitous things do not happen to make it the best thing that ever happened to him? He certainly is not going to want to hear any of this sort of thing right now as he focuses on his dream school.

I just hope for all the students and parents who are under stress waiting for college decisions both in admissions, programs and money, that things don’t hurt too badly, and that whatever the outcomes, that the next step can be a joyous one, a beginning to a new life.

mini · March 25, 2005, 7:30pm

Hear, hear!

editrix · March 25, 2005, 7:34pm

First, to Berurah and all the other parents and kids here who feel as if their lives are hanging in the balance until next Wednesday or Thursday–I feel for you and wish you the very best possible outcomes. My daughter went through a similar process last year: Like Berurahs son, she had received several good acceptances, but had her heart set on six elite colleges, all of whom sent their notifications on April 1. After so much work and waiting, it was all over in a couple of hours (the first two decisions came by mail, the others online mere minutes apart). I felt as if I could barely breathe the whole time. Berurahs description eloquently sums up my feelings as April 1 finally arrived: I am just so incredulous that in a matter of days, the results of so much time, effort, energy, commitment, passion, desire, and hope will be out there in black and white—set, as in stone, unchangeable.

I didnt then, and dont now, know how to predict what admissions decisions will be. Theres a randomness to this process that is truly hard to accept, or even believe–especially for hard-working, goal-oriented people like the ones who tend to frequent this forum.

From the first time one of my daughters was crushed by not getting a birthday-party invitation, I have struggled with the realization that the older they get, the less it is in my power to make them happy. I hate this; if I could, I would make sure that they never had to suffer rejection or disappointment, especially not when theyve worked really hard for something. For some weird reason, however, the world doesnt work this way. Or maybe its not so weird: As wiser parents than I have said on this thread, we cant always predict what will ultimately be best for ourselves or our kids. Sooner or later, everyone will face a major dreamprobably more than one–that does not come true. As parents, its terribly hard to watch our kids going through this, but for them, its a necessary part of growing up. In the end, the happiest, most productive people are probably the ones who are resilient enough to pick themselves up after setbacks and find other ways to pursue their dreams. I can’t say I’m always successful at this, but I believe that Northstarmoms recommendation not to let our children see too much of our own disappointment is one way to help them to move on.

For myself, even after a whole year, I still wish I’d found more ways to take the pressure off those outcomes on April 1. While my daughter did receive the one acceptance she desperately wanted on that day, she might so easily not have; she was rejected at one school and waitlisted at the other four. And what if she hadnt gotten that coveted acceptance? As much as she loves the dream school she now attends, I sometimes find myself wondering about the dark side of attaching so much importance to an outcome beyond her control. I think she believes that one college acceptance saved her from a fate worse than death (when I’m sure she could have thrived at several other schools that had already accepted her); and the prospect of not always getting what she hopes and works for may actually seem more calamitous to her than ever. If your son is truly able to make the best of any situation in which he finds himself, you have given him something more lasting and valuable than any elite college can offer.

That said, Berurah–I hope that your son and other amazing kids whom Ive met on CC get really wonderful news next week.

sillystring7 · March 25, 2005, 8:01pm

Berurah – Earlier, I posted that it might be better for your son not to be accepted at his dream school if your finances would preclude him from attending. My concern was that it would cause family strife – and feelings of parental guilt – if he were accepted and then could not attend.

My daughter, who is home for Spring Break, tells me that I am wrong. Her dream school was the University of Chicago, a school she would not have been able to attend without a merit scholarship. She says that, for reasons of pride, it would have been preferable to have been admitted but unable to attend for financial reasons than to not have been admitted at all.

So, there you go, two differing opinions from one household. That said, like the other parents who frequent CC, I hope your son and the children of all the other dedicated, loving parents whose journeys I have followed receive the best possible outcomes in the days to come.

jamimom · March 25, 2005, 8:02pm

That was a great post, Editrix, and you said alot that I feel about my kids as well. It does not end with the college placement either. I just visited my D and S, both out of college, and their problems and unhappiness gives me a heartache well out of proportion for the size of the issues. But they are my kids, and I just want them to be happy. They say a mother is as happy as her unhappiest child, and I can relate to that. Fathers are not excluded either.

When I was spending my days on the children’s oncology ward with my son who was being treated then, I would see the grandparents who were so stricken with grief as they watch not only their grandchildren going through the ordeal but their children as well. It does not end in life, but we can hope that the solutions to these situations lead to paths that are not anticipated but have their joys as well.

lefthandofdog · March 25, 2005, 8:40pm

No, it doesn’t end with the college acceptance, as I’m just beginning to feel in my own life. Being a parent is forever, and the ‘issues’ change, but I suspect there will always be some. Something that I think can be hard to realize is that we have more than one possible good outcome. Many of us met our best friends andspouses at college or had job opportunities that determined where we would live, what grad school we’d attend, etc. So many of life’s big decisions rest on where we go to college that I find it very strange to think such a big event (marrying my h. and having our two children) wouldn’t have happened if I had not transferred. My s. has a gf at his college; if he’d gone to one of his other schools, he’d certainly never have met this gf, but there might or might not have been another. Trivial choices lead us downs major paths in life. It’s easier if can believe it all works out as it’s supposed to, but that’s hard for some believe.

cheers · March 25, 2005, 9:19pm

Now, now. Let’s not beat up b for semantics. She’s in the moment. When she gets out of that moment, she will realize The Dream is not attached to a physical place; ie The School.

Sitting here trying to breathe life into a 7 storey building, I wonder if linear thinkers suffer more. types with hands covered in sculpey.

So often in creative work, the unexpected ‘left’ turn ends up being the brilliant one.

berurah · March 26, 2005, 1:02am

Hi y’all! Sorry I’m so late getting back to everyone, but I’ve got everyone home for spring break, so it has been quite hectic around here, and there has been quite a bit of jockeying for computer time! lol To all who have responded, I thank you SO much! ~b.

zagat–I thank you so very much for the compliment on my writing. In fact, I have been moving in the direction of doing something along those lines professionally, and it would be quite a departure from my prior work experience in the field of education. Thanks, too, for mentioning the study concerning those who elected not to attend elite schools to which they had been accepted. I know that eventually my son will be very receptive to such encouraging news. I do very much share your concern about the financial considerations. My son is well aware that any of the remaining schools may well be beyond our reach, but it has not thwarted his desire to receive an acceptance. We have kept an ongoing dialog about this issue, though, and I think he is pretty aware of the realities. Thanks again for your input.

latetoschool–Like you, I have often wondered about the very limited number of spaces available in the classes of the very elite schools, especially given the amount of demonstrated interest and amazing depth of unique and incredibly qualified applicants. Maybe it has to do with the pure economics of relative scarcity? At any rate, I soooooo appreciate the recounting of what your daughter went through three years ago because it illustrated precisely what I fear willl happen with my son. What you told me about her reaction is EXACTLY what I was hoping to hear–that she demonstrated such amazing resilience. It must have been so very difficult for her to receive the three rejections in such a short period of time…but, she sounds like the most remarkable girl, and obviously her own strength and your support of her enabled her to handle everything like a champ. In fact, I think your daughter and my son have some key things in common, and I could envision him handling the rejections in exactly the same manner as your daughter. You are right in that the “validation” is not tied to any one particular success (acceptance) but rather is something that will manifest itself over the entirety of my son’s college career and beyond. Thanks so much for the encouraging words and the relating of such a personal experience. You have been most helpful.

achat–I thank you so very much for telling me about your son’s experience with Columbia last year. It must have been difficult to have the dream of Columbia dangling for so many months by a deferral. In some odd way, I am thankful for the outright rejection in the Yale EA round…it was over and done with, painful, but short lived. I am so very glad that your son was accepted to such a fine school as Swarthmore and that he grew to love it so dearly after the Columbia rejection. I hope he is having a blast there this year! Your suggestions on how to handle the rejections should they come are perfect, much like what I had already thought about doing. But, I hadn’t given much thought to dealing with the siblings, and I thank you for your suggestion. They all look up to my oldest SO much, and they want his dreams to come true. My eleven-year-old told me today that if my oldest does get into Duke and we are not able to afford it, then he will work a lemonade stand every day to earn enough money for him to go sniff. I do think it would be a good idea to meet with the sibs and guide them in their handling of the situation should we receive a bunch of bad news in a few days. My oldest does best with a little space to handle stuff like this. Thanks so much for the very thoughtful suggestion!!

andi–Girl, I am so there with you–just give me one of those oars, and I’ll paddle right along with you! Your friendship has meant so very much to me over these many months. We have been though a lot together, and we have some hurdles left to jump. I think you are so wise to suggest that we downplay the Duke date and build up what we already have. My S’s friends have already told him that they will be in Miami next spring break if he ends up there, so the excitement is already building! Please know that I am holding your son and you in my heart and keeping everything crossed for some outstanding news to come your way in a few days. I just know that great things will happen for him!!! Keep thinking positive, andi, and remember that you are NOT alone!

frazzled–It certainly sounds like we have some things in common! The pep squad younger sibs and the fact that we both may have a bit of a rough time in the next week or so. I share your sentiments exactly about the remaining schools–that even though they may be out of our financial league, I would still like my son to experience an acceptance by at least one of the schools. You’re right…it’s a mom thing! I will be thinking of your daughter this next week and hoping that at least one of those clicks of the mouse brings such joy, amazement, and the feeling of, “I DID IT!!” Best of luck!

~berurah

berurah · March 26, 2005, 1:47am

northstarmom–What can I say about this most eloquent, intuitive, and perceptive post but THANK YOU! Your suggestions for ways to handle this next week are invaluable. I so hope to strike the perfect balance–demonstrating that I care without bringing so much emphasis that I convey any sense of disappointment should things not turn out in his favor. I really couldn’t have described my feelings any better than you did when you said, “Somehow, it seems to hurt parents more when they see their kids hurting than it hurts the kids themselves.” If I am guilty of anything, it would be overidentifying with my children and wanting to protect them from serious disappointment or painful occurences. But I know that in the end, I cannot make these things NOT happen, but I CAN be there for them when they DO happen. I thank you so very much for your warm wishes for my son and for your excellent advice for us both.

ctymomteacher–Thanks for the upbeat and encouraging post!! I am so glad that your son’s wait for the last three schools is tempered with such a fantastic acceptance and scholarship solidly in hand. Like your son, mine is beginning to fully understand the implications of attending an undergrad program WITH merit money and WITHOUT merit money, and I daresay, he may actually be starting to GET IT! lol In the end, he may, out of necessity, choose the least expensive plan, but he’d just like for it to be a choice that HE’S made versus one that his been made for him by virtue of lack of choices. I wish your son all the very best as he awaits these final three!!

digmedia–Thanks so very much for posting and for sharing the story of your son’s difficult rejection from the scientific expedition. I am so sorry that for all of his efforts, he only received a curt letter in reply. This SO reminds me of my own son’s Yale rejection! SO much went into that application: hours and hours of work on essays, trying to garner just the right letters of rec. etc., only to have it end with an online rejection letter that basically suggested that he should have other apps. in the works lol. Ouch! I am so glad, however, to learn that your son seemed to handle everything well, despite all of his investment of time and effort. Regarding the finances, your post encouraged me to come right out and ask my son if it would be worse to get accepted and not be able to afford it or to not get accepted in the first place. He said that without a doubt, he’d rather be accpeted and have to decline due to finances lol. It’s a pride thing, I guess! I wish your son all the best! I just know he has the brightest future ahead of him, and so do YOU!!

dadoftrojan–Wow!! What an incredibly interesting and encouraging story! I plan to show this post to my son, if only to demonstrate that what I’ve been telling him IS true–that you CAN enter an elite grad school even if you haven’t attended an elite undergrad program. I have to tell you that my son shares your son’s love for Michigan. He was accepted into the UMich Honors Program, but it looks at the moment like we will not be able to afford the OOS tuition either. My husband is from Michigan though, and despite the fact that he did not attend UMich, he has been a football fan since my kids can remember, so they have all picked up on that. I am SO glad that your son has found a school that he loves and that he can be proud of in USC. It IS a great school…my son very nearly applied there as well. I know just what you mean about the difficulty of changing long-standing allegiances, but I think the best way to go about it is probably to do what your son did…become a Yell Leader! That is awesome! Both your story and your son’s story have been so inspiring. Thanks so much for posting!

ellemenope–I’m glad that it has also been your experience that kids recover quickly from these types of disappointments. I have to admit, my son recovered quite quickly from the Yale EA rejection, even though it was a serious blow the day it happened and for a few days thereafter. I have already told him that he is a hero in my book, come what may next week. I admire his courage in even trying to do what he has attempted. Putting your psyche on the line for these elite college admissions is not an easy thing. Thanks so much for posting!

~berurah

calmom · March 26, 2005, 2:00am

Re Mini (post #38) - you wrote:

No - you are not the only one. I was thinking the same thing when I saw this thread, but just held off posting, as I didn’t feel like starting a debate (in case I was the only one).

I’m not all that sure that most of the kids really have “dream” schools anyway. I think partly its a concept kind of pushed on them by others around them - parents, teachers, peers. (Kind of like when you are pregnant and everyone keeps asking whether you want a boy or a girl. - and then once you say what your preference is, they act like it means you have your heart set on it).

The whole college process expects the kids to have a first choice, and expects them to prioritize their choices in the order of prestige and selectivity, and puts pressure on kids to aim for reach schools. When they are uncertain or have the temerity to prefer the local state U. over a prestige school, they end up with people trying to convince them to expand their horizons.

And I think that many parents are more emotionally invested in the idea of the dream school than the kids … There are probably kids who are more upset at the prospect of disappointing their parents than they are of being denied the opportunity to attend a particular school. In fact, I’ll bet that some kids are inwardly relieved when they get turned down, simply because they may feel very ambivalent about their so-called dream schools. (Too far, too cold, too intimiding to be in a place filled with academic superstars, etc.).

Exactly. And I think that for the most part, the kids are dreaming about the bigger things, but they may not share their dreams with their parents. The college-quest may really be something of an emotional metaphor which resonates because really represents more abstract and nebulous concepts of success.

berurah · March 26, 2005, 2:17am

chocoholic–Wow! There is a great deal of truth in your post…how right you are about so many things! My son, too, has so many pending events to look forward to (prom, debate stuff, forensics, soccer, etc.) that I am probably making a lot more of this than he even will. But just like you mentioned, I want to make SURE that he’s O.K. and that he will not suffer too greatly if things do not go his way next week. I have often said that given what he’s already received, anything else will just be icing, and I truly feel that way. Thanks for giving me back some much-needed perspective. I will be thinking good thoughts for your daughter next week! Hopefully a gift will be awaiting her!

anxiousmom–Ummmmmm…I think you must be a mind reader! Yes, you are right in that there is so much more to how I am feeling than just the fear of his not getting accepted to his dream school. This college stuff has basically been my “job” for this year. I have put time, effort, heart and soul into it, and now, that part of it is almost over, and my oldest baby, who was a mere 5 lbs. 6 oz. at birth, will be leaving, possibly to NEVER live under this roof again for any extended period of time. And it’s all there…the let-down, the regret, AND the nostalgia. Thank you for seeing that there was more to this than meets the eye at first glance, and I am hereby nominating you for the CC resident therapist. Oh, and I want your first appointment! lol

lefthandofdog–There have been so many times throughout this process that I have compared one aspect or another of it to childbirth (after all, it is what I have done the most of in this last 18 years! lol). You have totally hit the nail on the head with your remarks. I have often thought the same thing…that it is easier to experience something difficult than it is to be a relatively helpless spectator. Thanks for the interesting analogy!

jasmom–Your kind words bring a beautiful, simple wisdom to some very complex events. You are right in that my son has exerted all of the influence possible at the moment. Now it is out of his hands, and he will have to make the most of whatever happens. Thanks for the reminder that there is more than one path to a destination.

SBmom–Beautiful, beautiful post! I am so glad you brought up the fantasy element of the whole situation. I am certain that there are many out there who think they are sure of exactly what they want, despite never having experienced the reality of it. I am sure that my own son falls into this category. We have had some discussions along these lines. I think you are right in that we should stress the joy of school in general and express the confidence that it is within his power to make any situation successful, happy, and fulfilling. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement!

berurah · March 26, 2005, 2:59am

O.K., I’m going a bit out of order here, and I will answer the rest of the posts tomorrow, but I would like to address mini and calmom because I just saw calmom’s post a few minutes ago…

I have to respectfully disagree with your posts on this particular issue, though in general I find you both to be wonderfully informed, well-spoken posters who have a great deal of interesting information to share.

I do not find the concept of a “dream school” to be oxymoronic nor do I find there to be anything “wrongheaded” about having a dream school in mind. I think that perhaps we are using the term in somewhat different ways. By the age of 18, most kids do not live in a fantasy world where one school is held to a standard of perfection and all others fail that test. That is not at all what I meant by “dream school”. To me, “dream school” is a theoretical construct which symbolizes a student’s ultimate goal, something they work toward and strive to attain. For whatever reason, it becomes a highly motivating factor in the academic life of a student. There is no implication that such a school is the ONLY one that could serve the student properly or that all others pale in comparison.

I think it is a bit presumptuous to assume that all students who harbor a dream to attend a certain school have a parent’s boot on their hineys, pushing and shoving them so strongly that a rejection brings a strong measure of relief. Now, granted I cannot say whether or not this is true in someone else’s family, but I can certainly account for our own household. I think some of you would be SHOCKED at the number of conversations that have taken place in our home wherein both my husband and myself have asked, encouraged, pleaded, and occasionally begged our beloved firstborn son to attend school within our state at the flagship U to which he’s already been accepted. To us, he is the exact same intelligent, motivated, passionate, driven, and determined student if he attends school within driving distance of us that he is if he were to attend UMich, UMiami, or an Ivy League school. It makes ABSOLUTELY no difference to us…but it does to HIM. For his own reasons. That we have chosen to back him up does not make us pushy–it makes us supportive. That we will hurt for him if HE hurts does not make us overinvested–it makes us empathetic.

If a student shouldn’t have a “dream school”, then perhaps one should just throw the names of all the schools into hat and just select one that way? On what basis is it “proper” to select a school? What are the “proper” reasons to like one place over another?

I think many of the people on this board have shared our joy in receiving acceptances from UMich and UMiami. Why would we be so genuinely joyful at these prospects if there were truly only ONE school that would do for our son? The answer is that there is NOT only one place that would do for our son, and we will look for the positives in whichever choice he makes for whichever reason he decides.

Truthfully, this thread was not intended to be a debate thread. As I said in the original post, I was looking for support, encouragement, and assurance that all would be O.K. if my son receives six rejections next week. Nevertheless, it is out there in public, and everyone has his/her right to state an opinion, and I more than support that right. I did want those of you who have obviously misunderstood either my use of the term “dream school” or my level of investment in my son’s college choice to understand more fully exactly where we are coming from.

Like it or not, some of our kids will be ecstatic and joyful next week as they receive exciting news from colleges. Others of our kids will feel the sting of rejection. There will be bright futures for BOTH sets of those kids, somewhere, somehow. That is really all this thread was about. Reality. And dealing with it.

~berurah, proud mom of six very remarkable kids, no matter WHERE they go to school

norcalguy · March 26, 2005, 4:08am

disclaimer: I’m not a parent (and hopefully won’t be one for a long time)

I’m sure your son will take it better than you think. Kids have a tendency of dealing with rejections better than the parents. Take it from someone who was rejected to ALL of his reach schools (and even a “match” school). My first rejection when I applied to college a couple of years ago was extremely tough since I hadn’t experienced much adversity academically up till that point and it was from a school I thought I would easily get into (this, of course, made me very nervous about my other college decisions). But the other rejections took only a few hours to get over. Perhaps what helped was the fact that I didn’t really have a “dream school” so all the rejections were more or less the same to me.

At some point, you realize that, with only a few months to go till college, it is important to choose among the colleges you did get into and to prepare for the journey ahead rather than dwell on what could’ve been. I think this is easier for the student than the parent. By mid-April I had already mailed in my acceptance ticket and was thinking about what to bring to college while my parents were still dwelling on my college decisions (the sting of the rejections was compounded by the fact I ended up chosing a school they didn’t really approve of).

Hopefully, your son will have many more acceptances coming up, but, if not, I hope you’ll help him focus on being ethusiastic about the schools he did get into rather than dwelling on the schools he didn’t.

calmom · March 26, 2005, 4:17am

With all due respect, I don’t quite see how my statement that “I’ll bet that some kids are inwardly relieved…” could be construed as a “presumptuous” assertion that “all students who harbor a dream to attend a certain school have a parent’s boot on their hineys, pushing and shoving them so strongly that a rejection brings a strong measure of relief.”

I already said that I didn’t want a debate, and had even held back saying something until Mini posted for that exact reason… but your initial post made it pretty clear that your son was already working up enthusiasm for UMiami, where he has a large scholarship. So exactly whose dream is it? It doesn’t sound like your son is the one who is fretting or bemoaning the possibility of rejection.

I’m sorry. My daughter has good friends who are bright and would love to go to college but come from families who do not have the financial ability to support them past high school. One very good friend’s parents are deceased - he lived with his sister through high school, but things got very rough for them when his social security check cut off at 18, and he now that he’s out of school he’s got to work for a living. I’m sure he has a lot of unfulfilled dreams.

I appreciate that you came looking for support – again, that’s why I didn’t initially post – but you are looking for support in a setting where everyone is in the same boat. EVERY kid who is waiting for decisions from the Ivies is stressed and worried, and the vast majority will get rejection notices next week. (The stats tell you that – if a college has a 20% admit rate, it mean that 80% get told “no”).

Many brilliant and talented young people strive for perfection and involve themselves in highly competitive settings, whether it is auditioning for a starring role in a play, aspiring to become an Olympic athlete, or trying to win admission at an Ivy. Most are well prepared for the possibility of rejection – in that context, its all part of the game.

So basically – I’m not trying to attack you or argue with you. I understand your feelings – we all have them, it’s very normal for parents to feel anxious when their kids are in a competitive setting where the outcome is very important. So I empathize… but the kids who don’t make it will deal with it. We shouldn’t confuse our parental anxiety with our kid’s emotional well-being. Most kids who are able to compete at this level are pretty capable and resilient – and the ones who aren’t would probably be better served by a more nurturing collegiate environment than what the Ivies offer.

IlliniJBravoEcho · March 26, 2005, 4:46am

Alright about dream schools. I think dream schools are alright as long as you don’t set your heart on it. I wanted to do Film and Chemical Engineering which seems utterly ridiculous when I look back on it (a year ago haha). Anyways my dream school was USC and I knew I could probably get in (I guess I wouldn’t have gone but I would like to have tried) only my dad hid the application and I could have applied online but I was waiting for the package in the mail I guess as a permission slip. My other dream school was Colombia but I knew I’d never be able to afford it and threw that away.

The only school left was Washington U. I set my heart and soul on getting in. When I was wait listed and I thought my world crashed in. I was crushed but all along there were college events that I was going to for another college that I had wanted to go to since 8th grade (went there for state science fair) only to push it out of my mind because of the recent interest in film my junior and senior year: University of Illinois. That same month I got in the Campus Honors program at U of I that only accepts 125 out of about 715 applicants (about 17.?% acceptance rate) and that is only 125 students out of total incoming freshman class of 6,000 people.

My whole world was thrown upside-down. I still did not want to go to U of I b/c of film and a lot of my classmates going there but it kept seeming more and more attractive. I finally had a choice between NYU (half-tuition, still really expensive) or a multiple-scholarship U of I. The choice was almost slated in stone. It seemed to be hard decision at the time and I didn’t know whether to be happy or sad at the seemingly single answer

Now I have never been happier than I am now at U of I. One of the top programs in a major (chemE) I really like. And I can always go to a top school for grad school or maybe law school. I know U of I is giving me a top education and I feel privileged I live in a state with such a great public institution.

I guess my point is that sometimes we can be blinded to other great opportunities due to setting our sights on ultimate dreams and greatness. It is nice to have high goals and dreams but not taking a look at the real world around you can cause difficulties. So whenever you get rejected. It isn’t the end of the world, just pick up at a point that can still get you where you need to go. I think I coined a new saying around that time: “Shrug off yesterday and put tomorrow on your shoulders.” It has always served me well.

zagat · March 26, 2005, 7:38am

Calmom, you seem to be saying that having a dream school is an elite concept. Perhaps. But I love that my kids dream, and dreaming about college is better than dreaming about the prince coming some day.

An aside-why would a young man with no parents have to go to work rather than college? He should qualify for a full aid package.

Northstarmom · March 26, 2005, 8:00am

"My daughter has good friends who are bright and would love to go to college but come from families who do not have the financial ability to support them past high school. One very good friend’s parents are deceased - he lived with his sister through high school, but things got very rough for them when his social security check cut off at 18, and he now that he’s out of school he’s got to work for a living. I’m sure he has a lot of unfulfilled dreams. "

The student would qualify for full scholarships from many four-year colleges. He also could start by going to community colleges, which usually are affordable and also have scholarships.

" My other dream school was Colombia but I knew I’d never be able to afford it and threw that away."

It’s great that you are happy at U of I and that things have worked out for you. My comments are mainly for students/parents who may read your quote above and assume that your way of viewing the situation was correct.

Columbia is one of the colleges that grants 100% of students’ documented financial need. Families with incomes in the 6 figures get aid. If Columbia would have been too expensive because your family would not qualify for aid but also was not willing to pay more than $40,000 a year for your college education, you had the option of applying for outside scholarships and loans to help make up the difference. Students who are talented enough to get into colleges like NYU and to apply to places like Columbia typically are talented enough to win outside merit aid if they put their minds into doing so.

In addition, if you really wanted a film major, you could have applied to a place like Florida State that is affordable even for out of state students, and has one of the country’s best film schools.

achat · March 26, 2005, 8:42am

Berurah, your posts are always very thoughtful, so I know you put a great deal of thought into your son’s application process. The only other suggestion I would make is, to have your son look at his college acceptances/rejections (perhaps more acceptances than rejections?) when he is at home. Have talk with his siblings, let them not crowd him that day…if the news is good, then he can share it with everyone. If it isn’t, then he has some private time to himself or with you…but having a house full of anxious people does not help him out.

I don’t know your son so I could be wrong…

calmom · March 26, 2005, 9:11am

Northstarmom - since my kids require financial assistance to attend college, one more myth I don’t buy into is the concept of 100% financial need being met by the colleges. Colleges can be very generous with financial aid, but loans can be very burdensome in the long run, and colleges also expect students to pitch in a chunk of money from their own earnings. It’s a small chunk, but it can be significnat for a kid who is flat broke. Real life isn’t so easy. Yes, this kid might be able to go to college…but not now. To start with, he got sick - nothing major, but he didn’t have insurance and had to go to the emergency room, and he’s got a big medical bill to pay off. College financial aid won’t solve that problem. It just isn’t that easy – there are all sorts of expenses that kids who are living at home take for granted.

Dealing with a Dream Denied...(long)

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