<p>Parents, I need your help. To put it bluntly, the mother of a friend of mine is dying. A quick synopsis of the past 8 or so years:</p>
<p>I’ve known this family since pre-school, when I first met my friend. Though I haven’t really talked to him recently, we’ve done things together throughout our younger years (e.g., we car-pooled to school with other friends in middle school), and my family and I know his parents somewhat well too. His mother has been battling a fairly rare form of cancer since we were in elementary school…she’s had ongoing treatments for all this time.</p>
<p>Fast forward 8 or so years, and a few days ago she was put in the hospital and is in a coma. The mother requested that nothing be done to “save her” so to speak, so unless a miracle happens, it’s basically a waiting game, with the end result not being good.</p>
<p>My friend is still at school for now, and I don’t really talk to him that often, as I’ve said before, but the question that stems from all of this is what to say to him? It’s not completely public, so I don’t want to make this a big deal, so should I not say anything for now? When (I feel horrible saying “when”, but it’s true, sorry) she passes away, I’m sure my mother will be bringing a meal or two over to the family’s house, and we’ll be attending the funeral, but what can I do for my friend? He hasn’t had it easy, with his mom being sick most of his life, and I want to do whatever I can for him. So what do I do?</p>
<p>Sorry for the bluntness and morbidity, but I need some help here. Thank you, everyone.</p>
<p>Send him a card, email, or private message and let him know you’re thinking about him as he goes through this difficult time. It is unbelievable how comforting those simple notes can be.</p>
<p>I don’t know that you can do much for him as you have not been close lately however I think being there like family when your mum brings over the meal or when the wake is held and at the funeral will let him know you are there for him. Just be there and follow the lead that he sends out. It is difficult to know what to do but sometimes just being there is enough…you can’t be more for him now than you were before…but you can be there.</p>
<p>Can you text him or message him on FB and simply say you’re thinking about him? When you do see him, a simple “I’m sorry” can be very comforting. </p>
<p>A lot of people don’t know what to do in this situation, and they choose the most hurtful method: avoidance. They don’t really mean to hurt the bereaved person but they don’t know what to say and figure withdrawal is better than saying the wrong thing. </p>
<p>This isn’t true. It’s far better to say “I don’t know what to say but I’m really sorry.” I understand it may be awkward to ask him to go to a movie or some other outing (though the gesture may be nice down the road) but make sure you don’t avoid him, and make sure you make eye contact.</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice, will do. I’ll definitely let him know that I’m sorry and thinking about him and his family as they go through all of this.</p>
<p>It’s very thoughtful of you to think of reaching out to your friend at this difficult time in his life. It doesn’t matter so much that you haven’t been in touch recently. He will appreciate your efforts. Childhood friendships mean a lot as you get older, and sometimes you can reconnect and sort of pick up the friendship even after years. </p>
<p>Text or Facebook your friend or send a card. Speak to him about what he is going through, and don’t be afraid to mention his mom by name. I agree with previous post about any specific memory of his mom you can share. Even saying “your mom was always nice to me” would be good. </p>
<p>After she dies, send a sympathy card to the family yourself (even though your mom will also send one and take a meal over). Keep in touch with your friend. Maybe invite him over or out for coffee or dinner a day or so after the memorial service. He might want to get out of the house. </p>
<p>Many, many people turn away from people with a death in the family. But you can reach out to your old friend, and your kindness will be appreciated and remembered.</p>