Dealing with a nasty co-worker

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I have a relatively new job - going so-so - and one of the biggest issues is a co-worker who seems extremely overly sensitive and gets offended very easily. We work on the same team and interact frequently. When I started, I asked her for her preferred method of communication, and she requested email. So, while we do have a sit down meeting once a week with each other and our bosses, she and I primarily email during the day. And that’s where the issues develop. I might simply email her a piece of info on a joint project, and she takes offense, that I am pressuring her, micro managing her, etc. Absolutely untrue - I am simply giving her an update on something that I have completed or am furnishing her with something she needs. </p>

<p>Instead of working this out with me directly, she will email me back, with her complaint, and copy both of our bosses! This has happened twice prior to today. My boss has generally said don’t worry about it, agreeing that she is too sensitive. And I have really tried to be very friendly towards her, trying to find some non- work common ground such as our dogs. But today, after 1-2 smooth weeks, she erupted that I sent her too many emails today and was pressuring her needlessly. She copied both bosses and attached my emails! Frankly, when I re-read my emails, there was absolutely nothing pressuring her. I could probably do a better job of consolidating emails and sending fewer each day, but other than that, I am stymied and frustrated. This time, my boss seemed more annoyed, so I need to fix this.</p>

<p>Any suggestions? I responded back to her email, copying in the bosses as well, stating that I meant no offense, was not in any way pressuring or micro managing her, and would be more aware of the number of emails I send her. We’re talking about 6-7 in the span of a few hours, primarily because I was limiting each email topic to one client, rather than consolidating several clients topics into one email, and that’s an easy fix. What do you think?</p>

2

<p>Invite her to lunch or a quick coffee break and discuss the issues face to face. It’s ridiculous that she’s bringing the boss into every little thing that irks her.</p>

3

<p>I’m struck by two things: why isn’t she happy, even grateful, that you’re keeping her informed so promptly? It seems more professional and efficient that way although you could respect her e-mailphobia or whatever it is that makes her prefer having fewer, lengthier e-mails.</p>

<p>Also, why is it YOUR problem that she is so sensitive and difficult to work with? It may be embarrassing for your bosses to have been cc’ed but at least it clearly shows where the problem is - with her. Are there any HR people you can turn to? Is the environment such that you’re supposed to work out your differences together and not bother your bosses with them (that’s always the ideal but some bosses are more receptive to helping out than others)? </p>

<p>I think you need to have a talk with her privately (not by e-mail) and hammer this out. Don’t be bullied, I suspect she’s used to getting her way.</p>

4

<p>I realize sitting down with her might be the best plan of action, but I feel very back stabbed and since I am the new employee and she has been there a while, I feel she has the upper hand. It does seem ridiculous that I have to walk on eggshells and cave to her demands, but business is slow and I feel vulnerable, having only been there for 6 weeks.</p>

5

<p>“When I started, I asked her for her preferred method of communication, and she requested email.”</p>

<p>Seems email isn’t working out too well. How about suggesting to her that you use another form of communication?</p>

6

<p>Don’t let her know that you feel embarrassed or ashamed that your bosses heard all the drama. She’ll use that to keep the upper hand. Instead, frame it as a matter of professionalism. “I thought you would want to be informed of these changes in a timely manner”. “If you prefer, I can e-mail you only once a day but then you won’t be getting some of that information as soon as you could”. “The e-mails are meant to keep you up to date, don’t assume they are demands, if there is a crisis I will call you instead”. </p>

<p>Er, maybe that last one is too scary for her.</p>

7

<p>There’s obviously something else going on with this co-worker, so any advice you receive here would be a crap-shoot. That said, I thing greenwitch is onto something. Since the co-worker has requested email (and since the bosses are already aware that email is the primary mode of communication), keep email for updates but use the telephone for requests. This “modification” is unlikely to mollify the co-worker, but it should end complaints about “pressuring.” Just be diligent about keeping requests out of email. Given this co-worker’s history, any slip-up will be immediately broadcast to both bosses.</p>

<p>PS, Start thinking about how to handle instances where the co-worker ignores your (unverifiable) telephone requests.</p>

8

<p>I think you must be the replacement in the job I recently left. :smiley: Seriously… this person also asked for emails, and her boss confirmed that I needed to keep her in the loop on everything. Well… I am a pretty prolific worker, and that meant a lot of emails if she had to be in the loop on all my work. She b*****ed to the boss, and I had to remind both of them that they had asked for that form of communication and for me to keep her in the loop on ALL my work. I don’t have a good suggestion for you, I left due to a variety of issues with this employee and boss.</p>

<p>It is possible that your issue isn’t actually with the method of communication, but maybe you are producing more work than that person is used to handling on their side. Thus making them feel threatened… I have seen more than one department where the slow and steady regular workers really disliked people who came in with energy and efficiency, and cranked up the pace in the department. If that is the case it won’t matter how you communication (email, telephone, morse code, or maritime signal flags), it will still cause friction.</p>

9

<p>I think that she is giving you a clear message that the type of communication she actually prefers is none.</p>

<p>I’d suggest that you limit yourself to one bullet-pointed email per day. The rest of your communication can be verbal. If you actually need some piece of info from her in order to do your work, you could request it by email in order to document it. </p>

<p>Other than that, give her a wide berth and have as little to do with her as possible. The problem with this kind of backstabbing manipulator is that you don’t need to have actually transgressed in any real way for them to try to make you look bad in the eyes of those to whom you report. The bosses get tired of the drama and just want it to go away. Why they don’t solve the problem by firing the troublemaker I don’t know, but it seems they never do.</p>

10

<p>I think that she is giving you a clear message that the type of communication she actually prefers is none.</p>

<p>lol…probably true.</p>

<p>It may also be true that when she receives several emails per day, she’s seeing that you’re a hard worker and maybe it makes her feel guilty that she’s not as productive???</p>

<p>Minimize the emails and only tell her what she absolutely has to know.</p>

11

<p>It might be useful to have a chat with your boss about this. If you’re doing something wrong (which I doubt) you’ll find out.</p>

12

<p>I was going to suggest ^^^. Do you have regular 1:1 with your boss? If so, that’s a good time to bring it up. I would say to your boss - I get the sense my colleague is not happy with our interaction. I am a new employee, it is important for me to be part of the team and not be disruptive. Could you give me some pointers as to how I could better communicate with my colleague?</p>

<p>If your boss doesn’t think there is a problem then I would let it drop for now. If your boss is sympathetic then give him/her more information. What is important is to make it appear you are asking for your boss’ advice, not there to complain about your colleague.</p>

13

<p>Thanks for the input - I’m going to give your ideas some thought. Luckily, I’m in a meeting out of the office most of the day today and can have a break from her immature drama.</p>

14

<p>also since she cc her bosses abut the emails, she cat complain when you don’t email as much.</p>

15

<p>Agree that your communication at this point should be with your boss, to address the issue and his/her suggestions on how to manage it, not with the difficult co-worker. The boss knows the history and behavior of this co-worker, and you answer to your boss, not your co-worker. Perhaps after you meet with your boss you can/should have a friendly chat with this coworker, but the cc’ing of her complaints and attached emails to the bosses is completely inappropriate. I’d hold off on emailing her until you get this clarified with the bosses. I also think the bosses need to talk to her about her behavior. Seems like this is her problem, not yours.</p>

16

<p>If you share work on assignments/clients and each of you must be constantly aware of actions taken by the other, I have to wonder how this communication was handled before? Or are you the first one in this position and she worked alone previously?</p>

<p>A common method which you might employ if your office technology allows is to have a living document in a shared location (e.g. a Google Doc or whatever technology you have in place). Update the document when you take any action. She, and others on the team, should do the same.</p>

<p>You could send a summary email each morning or afternoon, but as long as the documents are updated for her (or anyone else’s) reference, then there isn’t a need for frequent emails informing the team of each action taken.</p>

17

<p>I guess everyone’s different, and much depends on the work environment. We have a fast-paced, demanding environment where I work. As a boss, I have a bit of a different take. These kinds of issues happen all the time, and what I prefer is for employees to at least ATTEMPT to work it out between them prior to my being brought into it.</p>

<p>I would have been annoyed at being copied on the emails from your co-worker to you.</p>

<p>At that point, I probably would have gotten up out of my chair and went to speak with your co-worker, and I would have politely asked her if she had come to you to try to rebaseline the frequency and type of communication. If the answer was no, which it appears to have been, I would have asked her to arrange for that…to go speak with you directly.</p>

<p>And then at the next staff meeting I would talk to ALL of my reports about resolving differences or attempting to get needs met amongst themselves prior to escalating.</p>

<p>Where YOU are now, being new, it makes it a little tricky. I would PROBABLY get up out of my chair, go to the co-worker, with a smile, and say something like,</p>

<p>“Man, I really think we’re missing each other in terms of communication, and I did not mean for that to happen. I tend to be kind of high energy, and I like to keep my colleagues in the loop. I think my zeal might have rubbed you the wrong way. I really am sorry. Would it be better if I sent you 2 emails a day? One around lunch-time, and one at the end of the day? And then if I have any other burning issues, maybe I could come talk to you - and if you wanted me to follow up with an email for your records, or a memory-jogger, you could just tell me and I’d be happy to do that?”</p>

<p>Also, what Desk Potato said above…Google doc, share point, common folder, etc.</p>

18

<p>It’s so not fun starting a new job…and then having a pill for a co-worker.</p>

<p>I like a number of the ideas here, but I would combine them. Definitely have a friendly chat with your threatened co-worker. I would ask her point blank why she did not first discuss her feelings with you…and then tell her that MY preferred mode of operation is to discuss things with the people involved first, to work out a way of working that works for both people…and maybe indicate that her mode is not meeting your needs. All very friendly of course.</p>

<p>But I wouldn’t do anything with her via phone call–it would quickly devolve into her claiming that you did not give her info she needed/requested, etc. I have people in the office that continually claimed that I did not give them info they requested, or give it to them timely–so even if I told them some info face to face or via phone call, I always now follow up with an email.</p>

<p>I would keep to the email–and send it at roughly the same time each day, maybe 3:00 in the afternoon, so all info is delivered to her in a “timely” fashion if she needs to attend to something that same day. If you want to, cc your boss or both your bosses so they are in the loop.</p>

<p>I like the idea of doing it in bullet points, maybe by client or matter. You could just keep it in draft form during the day, as if you were sending the updates that you have already been doing.</p>

<p>And I would request any info / reports needed for her in the same email–and either suggest a timeframe in which I would expect/need to receive the information, or ask her to let me know when I might expect it if setting a time frame is too threatening and there is some flexibility in your schedule.</p>

19

<p>I think I would minimize the emails from you to her and try to walk by her desk/office (assuming you both work in the same location) and try something like: “good morning (or some innoffensive greeting) I was going to send you an email on the Big Project but it was just to tell you we’re on track for the Oct 31 deadline.”</p>

<p>Then smile pleasantly and see what happens.</p>

<p>Maybe she likes it better if she emails you for updates.</p>

<p>I think you are not doing anything wrong but someone (and you sound like the grown up in this relationship) has to change the dynamic, or limit the negative interaction</p>

20

<p>I see no point in having coffee with/sitting down with this person. She is clearly untrustworthy and out to get you. Having a chat with her is not going to transform her into a rational, pleasant coworker. She is what she is. This is not a communication problem. As Maya Angelou said, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”</p>

<p>I would also not annoy the boss by asking him/her to deal with it further. You’ve already been that route. You were given a clear message: “Yes, we know this person is difficult. Find a way to deal with it.” (Cromette’s way is MUCH better, but some managers are more competent than others!) Just cut back drastically on the emails, and be civil when you are forced to interact. Keep your interaction to a minimum. If you need info from her, be sure to document the request, probably by using email. Save the emails.</p>

<p>Worry about this person as little as possible and cultivate your relationship with other team members. They’ve probably all been through the same thing with this woman.</p>