<p>I have the same preference (too many details and my memory ain’t as young as it used to be), but I suspect this co-worker prefers email because she is intimidated and uncomfortable with face to face.</p>
<p>I’m just glad this week is over. I kept the email to an absolute minimum with info in subject line instead of just the client name. I am still getting a very cold attitude from her. Made a point of walking over to her desk and wishing her a good weekend before leaving. Her response was a cold and disinterested “thanks, you too” without even turning away from her computer to face me! Whatever. I am not going to let this bother me any further. She does her job, I’ll communicate with her as needed and keep it to a minimum. I think it’s a shame she has decided to act this way - I’d prefer a friendlier relationship, but I’m too old to worry about an immature 30-something with an attitude problem.</p>
<p>I kept the email to an absolute minimum with info in subject line instead of just the client name</p>
<p>Made a point of walking over to her desk and wishing her a good weekend before leaving.</p>
<p>Good for you! </p>
<p>You’re right not to worry about some (snotty) 30-something. I think her reaction is very telling. </p>
<p>The weekend is here; enjoy!</p>
<p>You’re new there. The boss hired you for a reason. I think you’ve got the upper hand here.</p>
<p>Well done today.</p>
<p>It’s smart to keep it all by email with this co-worker because there will always be a paper trail to refute any other games she might try to play in the future. If you ever have oral discussions with this woman, make sure you follow up with a confirming email asking specifically if you have understood all correctly. </p>
<p>And you have proven to be responsive to her request by sending fewer emails–so you are not leaving her a leg to stand on as far as things for her to complain about with respect to you.</p>
<p>You have a great attitude. Believe me, the rest of the office can see what is going on, and you are earning lots of brownie points by handling this like an adult.</p>
<p>Thanks for the support, I appreciate it.</p>
<p>So glad it worked out…so far… 
If you are an added layer between her and your boss, then are you an equal or superior to her?</p>
<p>I’m guessing the boss put you in this position so he didn’t have to deal with her directly. It also sounds like he’s correctly focusing on current clients, not just growth and just maybe that isn’t her strong suit either. </p>
<p>Good for you for handling it so well and not letting her get you down.</p>
<p>Hi RVM. Sorry you are dealing with this. It seems these things happen in the workplace way too much, but the workplace is a social system, just like every other system where people tend to take on roles and achieve some sort of balance. Any time there is a system change, there can be a reaction in all of the players. So here is my 2 cents…
You are the change in the system, and the co-worker is reacting to this.
I may be generalizing, but this reminds me of the Karpman triangle, which is a dysfunctional way that people interract with each other. This co-worker sees herself as a victim- and that is her distorted view of things- it has nothing to do with you, but she seems to have set this up with you as her persecutor. I’d be willing to bet she does this in other situations too. It’s her problem though, and you may not be able to change her perspective: you are “persecuting” her with your e mails (even if she asked you for them, she’s not thinking rationally here), then she is CC ing the boss to come in and “rescue” her. The total message of the tiangle is that every player becomes a victim. ( she’s attacking you, the boss is put out).
If she is this type of person, dealing with her will be difficult, because she’ll see herself as a victim no matter what. I’d sort of lay low and observe her for a while, because this may be how she reacts to everyone. You can’t change this kind of thinking. Any kind of reaction to her is playing her game- either trying to smooth things out or ignoring her. I think you handled this well by not being a player, wishing her well even if she’s surly to you, and not letting it change the job you are doing. I think communicating by e mail is good since she may twist your worlds if you communicate with her verbally, and there is a record of it. </p>
<p>When her game does not work for her, perhaps she’ll find someone else to do this with.</p>
<p>My guess is that the boss is already on to her, and is not interested in her drama.</p>
<p>penny, I think you are right.</p>
<p>I honestly don’t consider myself her superior - we report to different people - but I have a semi- private office with a window on the perimeter of the office space and she is sitting in a center section of the office in an open floorplan with low cubicle walls, so I’ll let that speak for itself.</p>
<p>When I started, she was semi-friendly - but very clearly communicating her need to maintain control. My boss acknowledges that she is very moody and while finding her very competent at her job, not easy to deal with. My interaction with her has been so variable I could easily have whiplash! One day she is very friendly, the next day coldly business-only. She seems to have a very hard time handling any stress. Any perception by her that I am trying to prioritize her workflow or push her to complete a task today rather than tomorrow is when these emailed complaints to her boss and my boss go out.</p>
<p>She actually does a great job and I have no need or reason to push her, so when we have our weekly meeting on Monday - the 4 of us - I am going to make it a point to let everyone know I think she is doing a great job and see if that calms her down a bit. Business is slow right now and the company has laid off a few people - so maybe that is part of her stress, although I think I am more vulnerable than she is.</p>
<p>I have to add that she is mid-30s, not married, no bf I have ever heard her mention, no kids, and my perception is that she is very set in her ways and not at all flexible. I have no desire to escalate the situation, so I’ll be the conciliatory one, for now anyway.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Ah, this is part of the problem. Your boss has no ability to get this employee in line… and obviously HER boss has let this go on and isn’t going to do anything. Sigh… I hate it when companies do this. They don’t get that someone who gums up the works by being rude or nasty to other people really ISN’T doing their job – being civil and cooperative with others should be part of every employees job description, and they should can people who can’t do that. But some companies keep people for years and years who are awful to their co-workers. The excuse is usually something like “but they are good at their work”, “no one else knows how to do what they do”, or (if the boss really tells the truth) “this person works cheaply for me because they know they won’t get anyone else to put up with their crap, and I like not paying a lot for the work I am getting out of them”. So short sighted of the companies, as other employees can’t get their work done effectively and often come to hate their jobs and sometimes quit because of the nastiness of the bad apple.</p>
<p>It’s hard too as a brand new employee. I loved my last employer - was there for the majority of the last 12 years - until they shut down in July and we were all laid off. Starting over is not fun, particularly at 50. I am finding it harder to find friends/confidants at new job - it really is a lonely day for me. This particular co-worker is the person I interact with the most besides my boss and it is just disappointing that she had turned out to be such a *****. Boss is male and not at all interested in female mood swings and drama. So, for now, I am just going to try and power through the rest of the year, ignore her drama and yes, walk on eggshells with her to avoid flare-ups, and see if things improve if I can get her to relax and not see me as trying to “ride her” or “micro-manage” her.</p>
<p>OP your post #51 sheds a lot of light on the situation. Unhappy people often have a need for conflict and discord. They draw you in to the negativity that is the sustenance of their lives. Unsuspecting, socially adjusted people such as yourself are taken off guard and begin to question what THEY are doing wrong and how they can fix the situation. In my opinion this is not your responsibility. You have made some adjustments in the way you communicate with her which should be helpful. I would give the situation no more thought and just accept that there will not be much of a relationship with this particular co-worker. Let her address her problems as she sees fit. I have a pretty good hunch that you are not the first co-worker that she has given the cold shoulder to.</p>
<p>Aww…Rockvillemom - I’m sorry you had to change jobs, but look at how courageous you are going out and doing it. It’s funny how much I learn here. I own a small business so I make sure when new people come on board they have a ‘buddy’ who invites them to lunch that first week, makes sure they feel comfortable, knows where to find everything, etc. It takes so much effort to keep things positive, encouraging, non gossipy and that everyone “plays ball”. </p>
<p>I hope you settle into it soon and find some other colleagues. It takes time to gel with a new environment. This woman is threatened, not only by you, but by the layoffs. Doesn’t excuse the behavior though. I doubt they’d lay you off if they brought you in for a newly created position. Keeping clients in the climate is extremely important.</p>
<p>Just wanted to let you know that “Susie” and I had a good week. No flare-ups or complaints from her. Back on reasonably cordial terms. I’m very careful to not overdo the email or do anything that she might interpret as trying to micromanage her.</p>
<p>It’s a crazy work environment though. They laid off a few people three weeks ago, and then had a brief company meeting to say that should be all the layoffs for now, we are at the right size, etc. Despite that, they let go three more people this past Monday morning! So, since I have been there, all of two months, down from 50ish to 40ish and it really makes for a very tense atmosphere. I really wish I could afford to retire or simply work part-time at a fun job. This situation just worries me every day.</p>
<p>rockvillemom, something that I have experienced is that there can be resentment of new hires when longer term staff are laid off.</p>
<p>Yes - I can certainly understand that. However, the layoffs have all been in the “back office” or operations side of the company, while I am more in sales/production - but I certainly do understand it. The drip, drip, drip of layoffs is very demoralizing. It’s hard for the existing workers - it’s hard for me as a new employee. Just not a fun work environment.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I thought I was going to be able to do that. Sadly, not yet.</p>
<p>I’d summarize everything into one big email at the end of each day OR at the beginning of the next day; ask her preference. See how that goes. If she is still complaining, then you definitely need a one on one, maybe with a intermediary present. Good luck.</p>