<p>I need some ideas on how to handle a relative, grandparent, and lessen the stress on myself at the same time. Sorry for the length. </p>
<p>About two weeks ago I heard my grandparent called another relative asking if either they or myself, and my sibling where planning on having a party for my parents wedding anniversary 25th At the time we had no intentions because we a) do not have a lot of money to throw a huge party, even now we are having around 60-70 people b) have no time as both of us are in school and I have a demanding workload for lab c) we live far away from the rest of relatives</p>
<p>So to get her to stop bugging relatives we decided last minute to throw one. We have everything all scheduled and planned. Just needed a reason to get my parents there. Our first reason didn’t work out so when my dad received a call regarding his parents taking them out to dinner we thought what a great idea. So I called another relative who agreed and said she would call back and say the day of the party was the only day she could go. Well that didn’t work because my dad doesn’t want to come up that weekend at all. So he decided not to take an extra shift so he wouldn’t have to listen to grandparent complain. </p>
<p>In the end we are now coming clean to our parents about the party because my grandparent pretty much ruined it. We didn’t want to involve her in the planning because she couldn’t handle xmas last year so we just asked her to bring a dish. Well she couldn’t decide but wanted to bring a dish someone else was bringing. So we changed another relatives dish so that she could bring it even though we know she won’t be making the amount we need. Another relative offered to go over and help her cook, but it sounds like the relative will be doing it all herself instead of working with grandparent.</p>
<p>This grandparent has almost slipped up about party 2 times, and is working everyone’s last nerve. We find it very ungrateful she is having a dinner when she knew we had planned a party. She also knows her son does not like coming up 2 weekends in a row and he will not stand up to her. At this point I am about ready to end my relationship with grandparent and let her know how I really feel which is very negative. Never liked this grandparent since 5th grade shows too much favoritism. She also as memory problems but is in denial and thinks the meds given to her do not work. </p>
<p>Is it wrong of me to I guess go off on her? She has gone off on my sibling, and goes off on someone every 6 months without warning. It mostly used to be another relative but its getting worse. It’s like she has no manners and leaves horrible messages for people or if they answer they get an earful. At this point I feel like uninviting her to the party.</p>
<p>Talk with your parents about this and get their help sorting out grandma. They have been dealing with her longer than you have, and they have a system for it. Follow their lead. It’s ok if they find out about the party at this point. It will give them a chance to decide what to wear. They will still be happy that you have pulled this party together for them.</p>
<p>My cousin’s four year old leaked the news about my aunt & uncle’s “surprise 50th” anniversary party. They had a chance to choose their own fancy clothes for the event, and got to decide for themselves if they’d ride to the party with one of their kid’s or if they’d drive themselves. They still were surprised, amazed, and overjoyed at the number of family members, friends, and former co-workers who attended the party. My bet is that your parents will find plenty of good things to be surprised about even if the party itself is not a total surprise.</p>
<p>Any chance this grandparent has memory loss issues? MIL was determined to have Alzhimers, long after it was apparent to everyone but DH and SIL. Her frustration at dealing eith the memory issues spilled over to everyone. And there is no way she could manage keeping a party “secret”. Perhaps the dinner was planned because she didn’t remember the party.</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, my grandmother was very insistant on a 25th party for my parents . It was a stressful time, but we got through it. My parents would have been happy with a less formal event, but it wasn’t that big of a deal to accomodate my grandmother. </p>
<p>For now, tell your parents about the party, concentrate on them. Later on, suggest a medical evaluation for the grandparent. Favorite person or not, sounds like help may be needed.</p>
<p>"So to get her to stop bugging relatives we decided last minute to throw one. "</p>
<p>Did these relatives ask you to do so?</p>
<p>I doubt if your parents expected you to throw a surprise party for them.</p>
<p>It’s too bad you let your grandparent get you so upset.
You are really giving her a lot of power by trying to placate her, but then being angry about it.</p>
<p>I agree that health issues can affect someone’s behavior, particularly the elderly.</p>
<p>My parents don’t have a system to deal with her. They just give in to whatever she wants and won’t talk to her about the memory problems. My aunt did ask my dad to get together with them over 3 times within the past 7 months to discuss her problems and he keeps putting it off. I honestly think he doesn’t want to do anything to upset her because he just doesn’t want to deal with her attitude.</p>
<p>She was very nasty to mother for a while and you can feel their tension when we get together. Everyone but my father seems to notice she has issues. Grandpa has told us, like I said before, she stopped taking the medicines doctors gave her. We are thinking some form of anti anxiety drug or depressant because she felt they where not working. She does not tell us anything about her health.</p>
<p>Yes our relatives did ask because they are our mothers family who she is calling and asking. Relatives all agreed it was up to us but they said you know your grandmother will probably make a stink about it if you don’t. She made a deal about her 50th party we threw because it wasn’t up to her standards. </p>
<p>I think she either a) honestly forgot about our party or b) she was upset that we didn’t include her more or that we aren’t doing it her way. Her way would not have been sufficient for my mom’s side of the family (over 40 people) she likes to have dinners at nice restaurants. We decided to do a simple lunch of hot turkey and sides at my mom’s parents house because they have a ramp into their house which is great for my great grandma who uses a walker. She is 98 so we really picked a location based on her. She is my dad’s grandma but we say she is our true grandma because of all the great traditions we have like berry picking. I am angry at myself for letting her make me angry but you can only take so much of it before you feel like you are going crazy. This has been building up for years</p>
<p>We have a particularly difficult grandmother in our family–no one can do anything right or good enough for her. So we all decided, long ago, to just do what makes YOU and YOUR family happy. You know what the outcome will be either way, so just don’t worry about her. She will complain no matter what, so it’s not worth the effort to bend over backwards for her when she will not appreciate it.</p>
<p>That being said, of course it is difficult when a family member will not appreciate what you do or how hard you try to make them happy. This particular grandmother, the last time I saw her, told me that she thought it was too bad that none of her grandchildren (me, my siblings and our cousins) wanted a relationship with her. A few weeks later I sent her an email (she loves email) telling her she could come visit me at my school, since she only lives about a 2.5 hour drive away. She responded that she’d love to but she was “too busy”. Um…okay. Whatever.</p>
<p>That same visit she went on and on about what a shame it was that I was no longer involved with music. Granted I was in college at this point and had no time for it, and was completely blissful where I was.</p>
<p>I stopped telling her when I was coming to town after that. Started just visiting with my aunt and uncle who live in the same town, whom I love spending time with, and who are happy to just sit and relax and enjoy each other’s company.</p>
<p>Like I said, do what makes you happy. The next time she complains, tell her, “I’m sorry you aren’t enjoying yourself, grandma. Maybe next time you should do the planning so the party can be done the way you want.” No sarcasm or malicious intent needed; either she’ll get the hint and stop complaining, or she won’t and shake it off. At least you will have said something.</p>
<p>H & his siblings threw a surprise 40th anniversary party for his parents at a sibling’s house. It was billed to them as an immediate family get together, but we invited lots of their friends and extended family that lives 90 minutes away. We kept the costs down by making all the food ourselves (I did hors derves - think main course was lasagne). Good compromise of having them keep the date/time open, but having a surprise.</p>
<p>Assuming kids’ age < anniversary year, the thought of my kids throwing a 25th anniversary party for me is ludicrous. (Turns out, so is 30) I would think we might get a card before a party. If we get to 50, a party thrown by children might be nice (even if unwanted and unnecessary).</p>
<p>^^^I have to agree. We have been married 28 years and our kids are 25 and 23. I can’t imagine anyone expecting them to throw a party for our 25th when they were even younger or even for our 30th. We certainly wouldn’t expect (or want) it.</p>
<p>We are having our relatives bring side dishes which is a great amount of help. Almost everyone we invited did ask if they could bring something so I know that they understand it is very hard for us to afford this. We are just providing the drinks, hot turkey, and nachos for the kids.</p>
<p>My dad honestly said he didn’t care, and that he would’ve been fine just going to dinner with us at a restaurant. He doesn’t understand why it was made into such a big deal. If his mother wanted to do something she should’ve called us directly instead of going to my mom’s family was his thoughts. As I mentioned before we knew she would not have called until she exhausted all other options. He is kinda mad he now has to go up 2 weekends in a row. </p>
<p>My mother on the other hand does not know yet but she will find out through my dad. We told him to wait until after the weekend unless it is mentioned because we did not want her to say something to my grandparents. Everyone is just bracing for our Grandma go into one of her moods. I have a feeling I will be her target because I did not decided on a dish for her to bring. I thought I had but she kept switching it so I just said its up to you. We are hoping that this is the spark that gets my dad to actually meet with his family about finding out who is advanced directive, and what it will take to get her to actually listen to the doctor, and psychologist. Ex. She won’t have her knee replaced because she does not believe in all the work that must be done after it. As a pre PT or OT student this bothers me, but I know its the way she grew up. </p>
<p>Thanks for the great advice. It’s hard to deal with her when you know she may possibly have a form of dementia but she won’t get help instead she just goes into a mood and loses all social skills. She’ll tell you what she really thinks of you and it is very nasty to hear especially when she tries to say one set of cousins had it harder without her knowing all the facts. Not to get into my life story, but as I mention before this has been brewing for years all the anger and resentment. That is why my sibling and I just want to tell her how we feel. Our dad says go for it tell her be honest, but we know he will be ****ed if we do cause she will complain to him.</p>
<p>Well fumafoo, all I can say is that as you are having the party just make up your mind that you are going to have fun with the rest of your family whatever grandma pulls. And whenever she is complaining just follow the old mantra “smile and nod, smile and nod”. (We just had a family event where one relative behaved just appallingly - we had an absolute blast despite her and she was the loser in the end).</p>