<p>This may sound overly simplistic, but you just have to let it go. Anger and rage, no matter how justified, are hurting <em>you.</em> I was once in a situation not dissimilar to that of the OP, and one day literally decided to just let go of it, and I did. It was a huge relief. Best wishes, and I hope the OP finds a way to just breathe out and let it all go.</p>
<p>I recently dealt with an anger issue in connection with my sister. I typed an email explaining exactly how I felt and then sat on it for six months. At that point I was calm and had already gotten the worst of anger out of my system by actually typing the words. I went back, re-read the email and realized that those words really did need to be said. So I did. She is dead to me now, but I know that I said what needed to be said and that there could be no further pretending. In a couple of other instances, I’ve typed emails and then read them later and decided not to send. After the heat of emotion, in those two instances, I could see the situation very clearly and realized that the best course of action was no action at all. I guess my gut feeling is that if the situation is fixable and you want to continue the relationship, then eat it that time. If the situation is so egregious or there is a compelling reason to lay out the case for my anger, then I will do so.</p>
<p>It also helps to write down on paper what you want to say to the person who you are angry with. Just don’t send to them.</p>
<p>“I try to figure out motivation. Why is someone trying to hurt me? Usually the reason is an insecurity within them. Then my anger just becomes sadness, which is easier to handle.”</p>
<p>This tack has been most beneficial to me. I have a recurring issue with my sister and the holidays. I used to take her snubs personally. It’s hard not to. But I began to realize 1) I can’t change her, and 2) her behavior was a reflection of her, not me. This year, when she didn’t give my kids any kind of Christmas present I didn’t feel bad at all. I had prepared them for the possiblity, and I don’t think they even noticed. In a way, it’s a huge relief to just have the lowered expectation. Then, if something good happens, great. If not, no biggie.</p>
<p>Also, rather than wash my hands of her for the rest of the year, I worked really hard this year to normalize our relationship. Instead of harboring resentment, I reached out to her and her family in ways I never had before. Now, I have a completely clear conscience so when she snubs me and my family I don’t have to feel any responsibility. I know it’s all about her, and I can’t do a damn thing about how she feels.</p>
<p>I know that it sounds lame, but I have found the forgiveness is a powerful, incredible gift. Grudges and blame are like big bolders that we carry around on our backs. They weigh us down, causing terrible pain & draining our energy.
When you forgive people, you take the power to walk away from the blame, you take the power to lay down the weight, the circumstances and the “who started it.” You empower yourself and you don’t allow anyone to sap your energy. It can be truly a spiritual experience. Give it a try!</p>
<p>"I know that it sounds lame, but I have found the forgiveness is a powerful, incredible gift. Grudges and blame are like big bolders that we carry around on our backs. They weigh us down, causing terrible pain & draining our energy. "</p>
<p>I think this depends on the circumstances. If the incident is a one-shot deal, forgiveness is a great thing. But if the situation really can’t be rectified and will involve repeated problems, then letting go is a better answer. When your relationship with someone involves nothing positive, and repeated injuries to your soul, forgiving and moving on is necessary to protect yourself. Sometimes relationships can’t be repaired.</p>
<p>Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. Took me a long time to really understand that. Forgiving does not mean allowing the perpetrator to injure me again.</p>
<p>We can forgive and**** let go, move on. Forgiveness is a gift to ourselves.</p>
<p>“We can forgive and let go, move on. Forgiveness is a gift to ourselves”</p>
<p>That is very true and very wise, but forgiveness doesn’t mean accepting a pattern of behavior, if that makes any sense.</p>
<p>It has taken me years to understand the distinctions between forgiveness, letting go, and having sufficient boundaries to not allow oneself to be victimized. Depending on one’s proclivities, these different approaches may be much harder for one person than another.</p>
<p>If you have anger issues, you might go get a physical. Hypertension and depression are two conditions that can lead to a heightened sense of anger.</p>
<p>I have taken BP medicine for the past two years and am definitely more in control of my emotions than before.</p>
<p>zoosermom- yes, that makes perfect sense, and is part of what I was trying to say in mentioning the distinction between forgiving and forgetting. You helped to fill in the blanks. Thanks.</p>