Dealing with anger: Suggestions?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Does anyone have suggestions for dealing with/overcoming feelings of intense anger? </p>

<p>Without going into detail, I have harbored intense anger toward several people in our community for several years now because of events where I felt my family was treated wrongly, and I cannot seem to overcome it. I have done my best to avoid these people whenever possible, but there are occasions when they cannot be avoided and try as I might, all the old feelings come raging back. I feel crippled by these feelings and would like to eliminate them from my life.</p>

<p>Does anyone have any coping mechanisms or resources that might help? Thank you in advance.</p>

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<p>For me, I would write letters to these people, getting out of my system all the horrible things they did, and either lock them away to be mailed when I am dead, OR do some sort of ritual, like burning them</p>

<p>Sounds trite, but it works= getting it out of our system</p>

<p>Have a plan when you see them, some words you can use, so that you can take back your power</p>

<p>Something to think about- you have let these idjets (yes give them some silly name to diminish their power) rule your life= down to where you go somewhere and when</p>

<p>Do yu want them to have that much power?</p>

<p>Think of them as grown up immature bullies- they probablly haven’t evolved much, they probably have no true friends, they are feared and hated by many most likely, and are very likely unhappy, though they put up a good front</p>

<p>Then look at your life- do you like your life now? are your kids healthy and doing fine? do these people have any more influence in your life besides your reaction to their horridness?</p>

<p>When you get angry toward them, does that affect your family? do they feel the tension and do they deserve that tension?</p>

<p>Something I would do was looping, saying the same thing over and over again to my family about people I couldn’t stand- giving those “people” more attention and making me unhappy</p>

<p>When I did that, they would tell me I was looping and say tater tot…a code to snap me out of my mood</p>

<p>Also, happiness, joy, having good friends in the best revenge</p>

<p>So go to those events, even if the idjets are there, do NOT let them have any more power in your life, ignore them, they are invisible to you, if they force themselves on you, say hello, then walk away…show others around you that you are a kind, happy, good person to be around, and that the jerks there don’t deserve any more energy </p>

<p>Also, wear a rubber band, and when you feel the feelings swelling up, snap it…</p>

<p>BUt most importantly, don’t avoid events or such because of those people, then they are still having power over your life</p>

<p>Just pretend they are nasty cockroaches who most other people don’t want around either</p>

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<p>[IWWG</a> - Thich Nhat Hanh](<a href=“http://www.iwwg.com/index.php?page=36]IWWG”>http://www.iwwg.com/index.php?page=36)
I think cgm has made some good suggestions.This talk by Thich Nhat Hahn may also help you</p>

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<p>How do I control my anger? I generally curse and punch things.</p>

<p>Seriously, you may actually approach them very nicely, explain YOU feel silly and childish about the whole thing, and they may welcome the chance to talk it out. You’d feel better. Most people, deep down, are basically nice, to use a simple word.</p>

<p>It takes so much more effort to hate/avoid/ be enemies with someone, no matter who was originally at fault. At this point it probably doesn’t really matter who “started” it. And of course for every thought you have, and are sure you’re right, they have their own thoughts and know THEY are right.</p>

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<p>You could play Unreal Tournament and blast them by proxy. :)</p>

<p>Really, you need to put yourself in control of the situation. Decide whether what they’ve done is significant enough to warrant action (lawsuits, evasion, moving, etc.) to be done or not. Assuming it’s really more minor, take the attitude that you won’t let them control your emotions any more than the initial incident. Don’t let them put you into a state of ‘bother’ any longer than is objectively warranted or else they’re getting to even more of you than the actual incident(s). Come to terms with the fact that there might always be some people you don’t get along with and try to accept it.</p>

<p>Look at the incidents from their perspective as best you can. Was there any cause on your part at all that might have created the situation? Was it possibly a misunderstanding that caused the problem? Would it help at all to discuss things with them?</p>

<p>Avoidance works well also but as you say, there are times when it can’t be avoided.</p>

<p>Writing letters to them will likely only exacerbate the situation (depending on circumstances) and make things worse. I wouldn’t write letters.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>Completely second EK’s suggestion. He wrote a wonderful book, called “Anger.”</p>

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<p>“Forgive for Good,” by Fred Luskin. The book comes out of his forgiveness project, a long-term research program at Stanford. One of the things I like about his approach is that as he frames it, forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation - the people you (try to) forgive don’t have to be involved.</p>

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<p>Bay, this may sound silly (because it is writing, rather than a conversational dialog), however I strongly (strongly!) urge you to get your hands on the DVD of The Secret (the book is ok, but the power within the DVD is immediate). </p>

<p>I can share this…it’s not really a “secret” at all, it’s all based on the laws of attraction. The reason you continue to come back to the situation and stew over it (my words, not yours) is because you keep thinking about it (not letting it go…setting it down so to speak), so it keeps being drawn to you. The fact that you say (!) you feel “crippled” by these feelings is huge, and supports this theory.</p>

<p>Back when Dr. Phil wrote his Ultimate Weight Solution book, he had a wonderful 2 sentence piece about forgiveness. It’s not about “forgiving” the other person(s), it’s about “forgiving” YOURSELF for carrying the burden for so long. It’s not yours to carry, so set it down, and “forgive” yourself for the strain it has caused you.</p>

<p>Today is as good as any.</p>

<p>Peace to you.</p>

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<p>Bay . Among my many faults I , too, hold onto anger at certain class of …uhhh…human waaaayy too long. I’m usually a fast-to-heat up-immediately-cool-down everyday jerk but …for a special class of folk I reserve the right to curse their name until mountains becomes valleys, until rivers run backwards, until “New and Improved !” really is either “New!” or “Improved!”, or at least until time folds back on itself like a space time burrito and they can climb into their Einstein machine and reverse what they did.</p>

<p>I find it both healthy and life affirming. I say that this is one of the few things that separates us from the animals and we should do our best to preserve it. :wink: </p>

<p>As always , JMO.</p>

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<p>I lock my bedroom door, get a belt and whip the bed as hard as I can for a while. It doesn’t take long for me to feel like a complete idiot. Works every time. My cat gives me a strange look though. I also call one of my two best friends and vent my wicked angry feelings to them. They are safe ears. I provide the same service to them when called upon.</p>

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<p>Life’s too short to be ****ed off. Most of the things that keep us irritated aren’t really worth the energy and effort it takes to keep them on the front burner.</p>

<p>Think long term. Is this event over which I am harboring so much anger worth the effort? Most of the time it isn’t.</p>

<p>I’ve let toxic people and situations go completely, rather than dwell on them and make them ruin my day to day. Easier said than done for sure, but lots more satisfying than being angry and irritated.</p>

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<p>Aside from the general irritation/hurt from the past actions, it sounds as if you need to work on your immediate and gut reactions when in the presence of these people. How do you want to respond to them? I’d suggest coming up with a plan, whether smiling nicely, walking away, exchanging pleasantries, whatever. Mentally rehearsing beforehand may help your actions as well as help you feel good about who you are. When you do encounter them, keep your breathing slow and calm, your shoulders relaxed. Concentrating on controlling your physical responses can help calm the emotional reactions. </p>

<p>Part of the good and bad of living in a community for many years is the length of relationships, yes? Moving has a certain amount of appeal at times.</p>

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<p>Bay,</p>

<p>Good advice here.</p>

<p>A long time ago, a friend was murdered. I was angry, bitter and depressed. I know this sounds simplistic, but the only thing that really helped was forgiveness.</p>

<p>Posted near my desk is “Seven Steps to Inner Healing” (it is more of a prayer, actually). PM me if you want a copy.</p>

<p>Good luck on your journey.</p>

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<p>I tell the person off—in private, by myself. I get out all the anger, make all the brilliant points. I yell if necessary.</p>

<p>Then I “decide” that this individual WILL NOT have power over me. They can only have power if I permit it. And I WILL NOT. </p>

<p>This may need to be repeated.</p>

<p>In that your situation has continued for years, you may need help getting past the debilitating emotions. Will you consider counseling for your own benefit?</p>

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<p>Counseling.
Meditation, particularly lovingkindness meditation (which also is known as “metta meditation”). Check out Sharon Salzburg’s book “Lovingkindness.” One starts by expressing lovingkindness toward oneself, and at one’s own pace (which could take months) extends that to others including people whom you find difficult.</p>

<p>I have found this very helpful with my resolving anger toward other people.</p>

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<p>I’m borrowing those ideas to myself; I need them. I’ve never felt anger before until I got married.
My mom got very sick when my first child was born, and I told my in-laws that I wished to have Christmas with my mom (she was single and I’m the only child), but she said we were too many. Mom passed away two months later. For the next four years we had to go for Christmas (and Christmas Eve, and New Years Eve and Easter an so on) to my in-laws because my mother-in-law was always “dying”, she always had six months to live. By the sixth Christmas my grandma was very old (93 years old) and I wanted to have at least one holiday with her and my family. My mother in law got ballistic, I didn’t have parents; we had to go with them and her family! Grandma passed away and since I was living here I couldn’t say good-bye to her.
Every time I went back to my country we had to go to my mother-in-law (father-in-law passed away, he was a great person), and I was never allowed to have a single holiday with my family, so I got tired of that and I never went back for Christmas again. After 22 years I still can have a single holiday with my only aunt is left.
Christmases at home are a little lonely but I try to make them special for my children creating our traditions with games and music. Even far away, my mother in law makes her appearance, her son must called her whatever she has the party even if that means we have to postpone our dinner so he is ready to call her and THAT angers me the most.
I would try these advices to cope with this situation because today he must called again during our dinner and so in New Years Eve that we can not go to have a party somewhere else because he has to call her.
Thank you for listening to me, I feel better now.</p>

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<p>everyone has given some great suggestions here. </p>

<p>When I get to the point of spending too much time obsessing over what someone else did (or didn’t do) to me, I ask myself, “Do I really want to let so-and-so live rent free in my head?” That usually forces me to take steps (many good ones listed above) needed to overcome the inability to move past being frozen in the feelings.</p>

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<p>I think it’s especially hard when the “wrong” has been committed by a family member – especially a parent.</p>

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<p>I have harbored anger and rage towards someone, who has inflicted great pain, for years. The anger only made me sick because of all the toxic negative energy directed towards myself. It’s taken some doing but I’ve succeeded (for the most part) to imagine a shield around me that bounces off all the power and “poisonous darts”, away from me. I also tell myself, more successfully now, that this person doesn’t exist. As a previous poster mentioned, just thinking of the source of anger actually attracts that energy towards you.</p>

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<p>I try to figure out motivation. Why is someone trying to hurt me? Usually the reason is an insecurity within them. Then my anger just becomes sadness, which is easier to handle.</p>