Dealing with Blamers and Deflectors (Step Children)

Parent Cafe
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<p>The October outburst was more than a fit of anger. His words were real, and his actions since then have proven that. When we are in business situations, if he has the opportunity to introduce me to anyone he does so as “this is my Dad’s wife” It really burns me. I really think he does it to get to me. I will introduce him as my son. (NOT my step son…otherwise it would be washing our family laundry in public, which of course he has no problem doing) As a family business, we are doing things that will cause my interaction with him to basically diminish. My husband is going to therapy with me. He goes thirty, I go thirty and then thirty together. Frankly we are pretty much on agreement, we both simply don’t know how to deal with some the damned if we do, damned if we don’t situations. But my husband knows, that at the end of the day, when he (son) has spun his web of blame, that it really puts me in downward spiral, and H hates that for me, for himself and for us and our children. There was a time he would just say this is between you and son. But now he basically steps up, tells son how he feels and defends and protects me so to speak.</p>

<p>I really like the idea of an intervention. I will bring that up in therapy. The other kids always support me during these situations, but I have to wonder how they would feel about going toe to toe with this brother.</p>

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<p>Hi Collegemom
I just finished reading your whole thread and I have to say that you are not alone! My son is 20, almost 21 and does the exact same things to me and to his dad. His confrontations with his dad are less often, but that is because he travels a bit for work. he would go off and say horrible hurtful things to me. Blaming me for all of his problems, etc, etc, etc.</p>

<p>We started therapy about 2 years ago and the therapist did much psych. testing. It was eye opening. He was diagnosed as having narcissitic complex. Basically, expected the world to revolve around him and blaming others for his short comings/mistakes. (mostly me)
Much more too it, but I don’t want to bore anyone.</p>

<p>We did have him tested for depression because sometimes the symptoms can be similiar, but he is not depressed…just very involved in himself and believes that he is always right. </p>

<p>Funny thing is that I am a lot like you. I have done tons of communty service, school volunteering, president of parents association, lots of work with cancer society (I am a survivor).</p>

<p>My other two are wonderful girls, fully functioning and working hard in school and in their activities and jobs.</p>

<p>You have to keep telling yourself that you don’t ‘own’ his behaviour…he does. And as long as you keep rescuing him he will keep allowing himself to be ‘enabled’. The best thing we did was tell him that he needed to apply to the Disney College Internship…he did and he was accepted. After 4 months in Orlando, I took my mom, my aunt and my son’s younger sister (by 12 months) and we went to visit. After seeing him for an evening my daughter remarked “What have they done with my brother, where is the alien pod”? LOL He was respectful, grateful and it was possible to have a conversation with him without ending up in a shouting match.</p>

<p>Why did this work? Well the counselor feels that he was totally responsibile for his success. He was living in housing, had to pay rent or be told to leave, had to clean the condo or be told to leave, could not be late for work, or be missing his costume, or he would be told to leave. The consquences were absolute and well spelled out there. In fact he was late to 2 classes and they told him he could not come back. it was a class that he dearly loved and wanted to take, and they would not take his excuses. I think that made an impression.</p>

<p>So when he came back…after 7 months in Orlando, we did the same thing. We instituted basic rules and if he followed the rules he could stay, if he did not we would give him 3 months to find alternate living arrangements. The rules are pretty basic: Clean room, treat all with respect, good grades, let us know where you are, no drinking.</p>

<p>It has been a little over a year and for most of it, it has been good. I see slipping in the past 3/4 months and we are encouraging him to head back to Disney again and to maybe consider staying there and going to school on his own. But most of all…we do not engage. We say NO and I am sorry you are unhappy, you are free to make your own choices when you are living on your own. OMG it truly does infuriate him, but we just don’t allow our buttons to be pushed.</p>

<p>I love my son dearly, as I know you do…but sometimes, the best thing you can do, is push them out. You are a great mom and you did a good job. Now it’s up to him.
Good Luck-</p>

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<p>collegeshopper , I feel your pain. I have a similar situation with my husband’s daughter , though the problem is fueled by a bitter ex-wife . It is a nightmare to live with.</p>

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<p>I am both a stepmother and a stepchild.</p>

<p>My stepkids mother died, and so did my children’s father. And I tell my kids, yes it sucks, but having sucky things happen to you doesn’t give you the right to be rude to anyone.</p>

<p>You stepson is very entitled and feels (for whatever reason) that he has the right to lash out at you and any authority figure in his life. Honestly I don’t care that his reason is that his mother died. A lot of kids have issues, and they often take them out on bio-parents, not just stepparents. The fact that he is your stepson makes it seem like this is a step issue, but at its root it is not. </p>

<p>The first (and only) time that my older S told my husband that he didn’t have to listen to him was because he “wasn’t his father,” I told him that he was never to say that again or treat his stepfather with disrespect. We all know who his father is, that isn’t the point.</p>

<p>My stepkids are older (I never raised them), but the only way that stepchildren of any age are going to treat the stepparent with respect is for the parent to step up to the plate. I don’t care so much with being referred to as “Dad’s wife.” But I do care about being left out of family plans or treated rudely. The only one who can directly address it is their father, however.</p>

<p>The bio-parent is the one that sets the tone for the step relationships. </p>

<p>My advice to you, now that he is an adult, is to detach. If he goes to court, don’t go. His dad should go. If he needs money, give the phone to his dad. Otherwise treat him normally with the same kindness you have already treated, but if there is any parenting to do, for now you need to extract yourself and make his father parent. This boy/man needs to become a man. </p>

<p>You have been at this for a very long time. Many hugs for you. You are an angel to that child, although he doesn’t recognize that. I know I didn’t appreciate my own stepmother before I was 30… and more so when I became a stepmother myself at age 41.</p>

<p>It might take years for your stepson to sort all this out :&lt;/p>

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<p>Wow, this sounds like a tough situation. I hope things become more managable quickly, it sounds as though you are on the right track.</p>

<p>re: rent. Can your DH step in as the provider of the cashier’s check? Maybe the leasing agent can call your home ONLY if there is a problem? I realize there are only a few months to go, but that would be one less interaction with this child. You certainly don’t want your credit ruined, but let your DH handle it for YOU. Maybe it can be arranged to have $XXX withheld from his pay (with his signed permission), and then send the rent check directly for the next couple of months…presented as a win-win—he won’t have to come pick up the cashier’s check, not have to interact with you. I know it’s still enabling him, but it’s only a few months until the lease is up. Once Sept. rent is paid, the payroll dept is just having to much trouble tracking it all, so they aren’t going to do it anymore. (Note: the key is his written permission.)</p>