Dealing with Blamers and Deflectors (Step Children)

Parent Cafe
1

<p><strong>Sorry this is long</strong></p>

<p>Here is a bit of background. I have a step-son who has always been the bad boy type (for reference he is currently above the drinking age) I have been in his life since middle school and his mom died when he was only two years old. This kid really did get the short end of the stick, which is probably why I have been so passive with him.</p>

<p>To say I have taken a great deal of $hit from him over the years is an understatement. (Which is so against my nature) Some where along the line he decided that I was the best target for his faults and short comings. Everything is always my fault. If he gets a speeding ticket, it was my fault because he was getting milk, or was in a hurry to make curfew, etc. When he got caught drunk as a skunk underage (so wasted in fact the police found him face down in a park covered in grass and dirt…etc) it was my fault because I didn’t permit him to drink in our home. (Dad would allow a glass of wine at dinner…but he is talking about massive drinking) When he had to go court about his underage drinking ticket, the judge wanted him to pay $1000.00 which by all accounts meant I had to pay the $1000 (his father was so feed up with him at this point, it was me that went to court with him) So I asked the judge if he could clean out police cars for the next ten weekends (he had thrown up in the police car so I thought it was fitting) the judge loved the idea, ordered him to spend 6 hours each day for ten weekends in lieu of the fine. To say he was ***<em>ed is the world’s largest understatement and let me know I was a b</em>tch I was by spray painting the word on my car the next day although he completely denies it…I will never believe it was not him…his dad does not believe him either. </p>

<p>Right after his community service was over he announced he was going to get a job, leave HS, our home and get his GED. He was in 10th grade at the time (he was 17 because he started K at 6). He got his GED on the first try which really fried my hide because I felt like it affirmed his decision and he got a job and moved out, sharing an apartment with friends. Life was finally calm, but the storm brewed again when he got fired (again, my fault because I would not agree to call him every morning and wake him up) for being late. He begged his Dad to come work for the family business and I was 100% against it, but my husband felt if we gave him this opportunity, it may allow him to shine, as he is very talented and educated in this field. Well to say the road has been rough is an understatement. He has had accidents that he has been ticketed for (not his fault of course…but the other driver and the cop are just stupid) and my requesting he pay the deductible is met with such shock, it really is comical.</p>

<p>In October, he had an all out fit over something I can’t even remember and he issued a verbal tongue lashing in the office that would make a street walker blush. When I told his Dad (It was very heartbreaking to me because he was cruel and hateful and I realized at that moment that he would never be the young man I thought he could be or should be or the respectful “Texas Man” my husband craved aand taught him to be) my husband went crazy, but of course in classic method of operation, he denied it and said I was crazy. Well when he got started, I knew it was going to be bad, so I recorded it on the voice memo on my phone. The rant went on for about 6 minutes with me saying “don’t talk to me that way” at least 20 times. When I played if for my husband and his brothers (who are all extremely respectful to women) they were mortified. He was in the room too…and of course, this was all my fault because “I looked at him funny and provoked him” and made his schedule to difficult, etc. Went on to say I was acting like an angel because I knew it was being recorded…etc.</p>

<p>Saturday, Hubby and I are having a great weekend and I get a call from him demanding $120 for an apartment late fee because in his words, “I was irresponsible”. I am the co-signer on his apartment lease (yeah…I know) and I make him give me his rent in cash the day before it is due and I get a cashiers check and he takes it to the apartments. I got the cashiers check like always, and left it at our front door. Well he jacked off all last weekend and when I got in from shopping on Sunday, I called to remind him that it needed to be in the drop box before they opened the next morning. Well it wasn’t and they pegged him the fee. To say he put a damper on my weekend by playing the blame game again (in his opinion when I saw it there Sunday, I should have driven it the 12 miles because I have responsibility to the apartments because it’s in my name…how a$$backward is that??) Anyway, it was truly the final straw for me. He has never apologized for the October rant (I still hold a grudge). I basically ignored him over Christmas and was ignored in return during my birthday. I really need to separate myself from him because of his toxic nature, but of course he is my husband’s son and I truly love them both. My husband fully supports me shutting him off, but off course that his easier said than done. Case in point, his sister graduates next month and I don’t want him there. But can I really exclude him?</p>

<p>I need advise on how to do that yet maintain a positive relationship with his brothers who adore me and my husband whom I greatly love. Sigh.</p>

2

<p>Your DH needs to step up here and tell your son that he may not be disrespectful to you in any manner. If he is respectful he may be included in family events, if not then he is not welcome. If you absolutely can not stomach having him there plan a separate event to celebrate somewhere other than your home where he can be included (ie family dinner out). You may excuse yourself that day. You have every right to limit toxic people in your life. I am so sorry he has chosen to behave this way. It is a choice.</p>

3

<p>Sounds like this kid needs a lot of therapy (if not the Marine Corps). </p>

<p>Other than losing his Mom when he was two, what’s his beef? Deep down, maybe he blames himself for his life, but it’s easier to court calamities then blame them on you. If and when it’s not you, it will be someone else. Pity the poor woman who ever marries him.</p>

<p>Find a good psychiatrist (someone who can prescribe medication, not a social worker). Calmly but firmly tell him he won’t be welcome back in family life until he gets treatment and has resolved to treat you with respect. You are doing this not just for yourself but for him and the whole family (including any children he brings into this world.)</p>

<p>This may not be a psychiatric problem at all, but that’s how I’d approach it if you think there is even a remote possibility this is depression, anxiety, bipolar illness, or some other treatable condition. That will at least shift the “blame” off you.</p>

4

<p>The issue I have is my H has stepped in and told him to knock it off. And when he is in a family situation, he is “nice” but it is very, very awkward and makes me swim in pi$$y water, which is so against who I am and who I want to be. I guess I have just gotten so bitter that I just can’t do it anymore. But why in the world would I want to excuse myself from one of my kids special events, ie graduation? In my opinion he should just not be invited, but then that leads to a whole different can of worms.</p>

5

<p>Other than losing his Mom when he was two, what’s his beef? Deep down, maybe he blames himself for his life, but it’s easier to court calamities then blame them on you.</p>

<p>I really think his beef is two fold. First, he lost his mom. And yes…that stinks on a multitude of levels. I think it is compounded because I think I am a really good mom (to all the kids) and for the kids I birthed, I have been forward and present their whole lives. I am active in their schools, their lives and they show a great deal of outward love to me. (I am not bragging, I am just trying to paint the picture) I do lose my temper just like most moms…although it is rare. When he was living with just his dad, his dad was raising 4 boys doing the best he could. The boys did their own laundry, meal prep, chores, etc. Of course I feel as a mom, it is my “job” to the majority of the housework although, chores are important and creating pride in ones living environment is important also, but I feel the boys probably felt really cheated until I came along. So instead of feeling grateful that I was there, I became a target of everything he had missed out on. But I agree, he makes a choice to behave this way. And about a therapist. He is 120% opposed. He had a really negative experience with a child therapist when he was young in regard to his mom and all therapists have been named crazy…lol.</p>

6

<p>No, no, no. I wasn’t suggesting excusing yourself from THE event. I was suggesting if you just couldn’t deal with him there (at the main event, celebration) plan an second alternate celebration at another time that he can attend with his Dad and siblings, but you don’t have to.</p>

7

<p>My question: What is the graduate’s preference? Does she want this brother there at her graduation get-together, or would she prefer he not be present? I would go with what she wants – grit my teeth and bear it if she wants him there, plan an alternate family dinner at restaurant (which you can excuse yourself from) if she prefers he not attend the main event.</p>

<p>I’m sorry about all the pain this son is creating. The suggestion about insisting he see a psychiatrist is a good one; I would make it a condition for continued employment at the family business.</p>

8

<p>She is indifferent. Out of love for her stepdad, she expects him to be there, but she was actually unintentionally privy to the recorded lashing and it really upset her. She is by far my biggest supporter in life outside of my marital relationship.</p>

9

<p>The graduation decision must be left up to the graduate. If she wants her brother there, then he has to be there. Edited to add: Indifference is not the same as wanting to ban one of her brothers. Invite him to the graduation. </p>

<p>As for the rest of it, he may not want to go to therapy but why aren’t you in therapy?</p>

10

<p>CS-- I see a couple of separate things:</p>

<ol>
<li> Your relationship with the young man in question.</li>
<li> His father’s relationship with him.</li>
<li> Your business relationship with the young man in question.</li>
<li> His father’s business relationship with his son.</li>
<li><p>Your business relationship with your husband.</p></li>
<li><p>A family celebration.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>In the case of # 6: The guest list is left up the graduate. </p>

<p>In the case of the son’s treatment of you, you obviously know this is unacceptable, and clearly your husband agrees, which is great. As for the business situation, you stated your objection to having to work with him, and your husband thought it was a good idea. The rule is: his mess, his problem. Your husband can now supervise his son’s work and you can be left out of it. </p>

<p>As for how you got yourself into the situation where you are paying his rent? I need say nothing.</p>

<p>Good luck to you. You really do need to make his son’s involvement with the business his responsibility, unless you intend to fire him.</p>

11

<p>When does the lease on the apartment expire? </p>

<p>What were the consequences for him for the screaming rant in October?</p>

<p>Were there consequences for him for spray painting your car?</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>You couldn’t do it for the graduation?</p>

<p>I agree with pugmadkate: have you considered therapy for you, to help you deal with him?</p>

12

<p>I also think you should get therapy for yourself. You can’t change him but you can change the way you respond to & deal with him, and a therapist can help you develop insight as to why certain patterns repeat and how you may contribute to the pattern, even if you are doing what seems to be the right or appropriate thing at the time. </p>

<p>Find a therapist who focuses on a solution-focused form of therapy, not a talk therapist who wants to spend hours delving into what went wrong 10 or 15 years ago. </p>

<p>You can’t change your step-son, but you can change your own behavior so you aren’t constantly mistreated by him. If he doesn’t get the reaction he wants or hopes for from you, he probably isn’t going to change – but he’ll find someone else to blame and to abuse. Hopefully that someone else will be outside of your immediate family.</p>

<p>Also, if you can get your husband to come to couples counseling, that might also be a good idea. The son is a big problem and a source of frustration and resentment for both of you, so it can’t possibly be good for your relationship.</p>

13

<p>Awww…therapy. Just started yesterday night. And it was a huge eye opener. Of course he pegged me straight to the wall for enabling him. He got onto to me about “going back for more”, etc. Of course I agree with the guy or I would not have gone in the first place. I guess I also got some nice validation. I don’t have to like him. I don’t and should not engage him. I don’t have to defend my position with him. Just saying no is enough. No explaination is necessary. Of course I have to practice these things…that will take time, but I have the resolve. Therapist did say it would get worse before it gets better because he will not like the fact I won’t engage him and he will yell louder and stronger to just make sure he feels confident that he has been heard. Of course the dynamics of the relationships are complicated, but what is life is not?</p>

<p>Just to clarify a few points…his dad or brother typically deal with him on day in and day out stuff. But because I am the managing partner, there are times when our paths cross out of randomness. All directives from me are funneled through someone else. Because frankly if I asked him to do XYZ he would do ABC just to make sure he had control. Also, I don’t pay his rent. He gives me the money and I get the cashiers checks which is a “checks and balance” system for my own peace of mind because my social is tied to this but it is his money. And October 1, 2011 will be a great day, because I will never make that mistake again.</p>

<p>Just FYI…therapy is a good thing. I just which the guy could sit on my shoulder all day.</p>

14

<p>Collegeshopping, I am so sorry your stepson is behaving that way towards you. My son had a period of time when he was very rude to me and I had to really disengage. It took quite a bit of time but it did work. Growing up helped a bit as well.<br>
I might be barking up the wrong tree but your emphasis on his being a step son and not a birthed child really struck a chord with me. Maybe it has with him too. I hope he gets help. </p>

<p>Good luck to you both.</p>

15

<p>It will take practice, but I love it when somebody decides they need to make a change and then goes forward with making the change.</p>

<p>I’m also really glad to hear about the work situation. It sounds much more reasonable than what I had going on in my head. Anyway, I"m confident you will get through it. He’s going to get more aggressive, but since you’re ready for it, you’ll do okay.</p>

<p>In situations like this, it can help to have a mantra type thing to recite inside your head so that you don’t get hooked back in. Something you can just recite internally which validates your position to yourself. But, I’m sure your therapist can assist you with that.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

16

<p>infrmdmom:</p>

<p>Up until October 2010, I never once called him my step-son. Always just my son. During that time, he called my by my first name, which was okay by me. In October, during his rant, the emotional wrath he let loose changed my thought process and frankly my life. He made it very crystal clear on that day that the only reason he was ever nice to me is because of the things I did or bought for him, but all along I was never more than his Dad’s wife. I could go on and on about how I spend 80% of my day trying to make other’s better…but it is lost on him. He knows I am generous to a fault and took advantage of that through and through. I believed he truly loved me and I know I truly loved him. Now I know his feelings for me are very opposite, and that has been a source of despair because I gave to him my heart and soul. As I have been writing some stuff out for therapy today, I realize I have been nothing but a door mat for this child. The therapist made it really apparent last night that my house is not in order. My first duty, is to myself. And that being 200% against my nature is the hardest concept to grasp. It is crazy to say this therapist gave me “permission” to start letting everyone know that I have had enough. That today marks a new day. That an adult child raising his/her voice to a parent warrants dismissal from the parent’s residence. No guilt required.</p>

17

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<p>I am not a therapist, and I certainly do not condone your son’s behavior. However, I do know that someone saying something in a fit of anger does not make it the gospel truth or even necessarily reflective of that person’s feelings.</p>

<p>I would not tolerate his behavior, either, and I would certainly impose my expectations on future interactions with him. However, I also would not write off my entire relationship with a son based on something he said in anger, or in the throes of mental illness.</p>

18

<p>Yes, and just to add to whatever4 had to say, though I didn’t want to say it earlier, afraid it might make you “go easier” on him, when what he needs right now is some boundaries, is that mostly kids do this kind of thing with the adult they trust the most. Doesn’t change a thing about what you “should” do, but it is a valid perspective, and might assist you in not taking it as personally the next time.</p>

<p>Again, good luck. Hopefully this will pass quickly now that you have an action plan.</p>

19

<p>This step-son is damaged goods…seriously damaged goods. </p>

<p>I think he needs some kind of group intervention where he is told BY ALL that he has been the one that has been responsible for tickets/losing his job/rent being late/and anything else that he’s done wrong. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he’s not fooling ANYONE by his attempt to point fingers at you (or anyone else).</p>

<p>The group needs to give him an ultimatum…full fledged therapy or he’s out of all of their lives.</p>

20

<p>I just wanted to add…</p>

<p>I think that the DAD needs to go to therapy. He is very aware that his son treats his wife terribly and painted those words on her car, yet he seems to be overlooking the seriousness of these issues out of some kind of guilt that his mom died. Raising kids with “pity” is a recipe for disaster.</p>

<p>The H needs therapy to learn how to deal with his son and put limits on him.</p>