<p>Hi CC parents, I was hoping I’d be able to get some advice to help my sister out.</p>
<p>My sister (grade 1) came home from school today really upset because of a fight she had with a group of 3-4 girls she considers her best friends. </p>
<p>Apparently last Friday, the class celebrated my sister’s birthday, and as part of it, she was able to invite one friend to share in the privilege of sitting at the teacher’s desk for lunch. A while ago, she “pinky promised” one of the girls, M, that she would pick M to sit with her. When Friday rolled around though, my sister decided to pick another girl she was just starting to be friends with. Now apparently M was very upset with my sister, and she’s gotten the other 2 girls in their group involved; girls are now excluding my sister, and blaming the “break-up” of the friendship on her. My sister says they are also “spying” on her; I have no idea what she means by that though. M is pressuring my sister to give her things (candy, chocolates) to “make up” for not asking M to sit with her.</p>
<p>I realize that there likely is another side to the story, but I’m at a loss with how to help comfort my sister. She is really upset at losing these girls as her friends, as she has considered them to be her best friends this year (she just moved to this school this year too, so I’m guessing part of it is trying to fit in as the “new kid”) I’ve tried encouraging her to play with some of her other friends, and telling her that if these girls are her true friends, they wouldn’t be treating her this way, but it doesn’t seem to help.</p>
<p>With the big age gap between my sister and I, frankly it’s been a while since I have had to deal with this sort of thing; I’ve managed to avoid much of the drama that can follow into jr. and sr. high, and I can’t really remember how I dealt with this sort of thing when I was younger. Anyone have any advice/suggestions?</p>
<p>I taught First Grade and used to say it very simply, “M isn’t the boss over you. You’re the boss over you.”</p>
<p>See if that helps a bit.</p>
<p>If she’s a deep little girl, you can also walk her through by the hand: when she forgot her promise to M, it made M feel very angry. So M is acting this way because she’s angry. Do you think you owe M and apology? Sometimes at that age they just get over things with an apology.</p>
<p>When they don’t want to apologize, if you’re anywhere near M and the sister together (or write a note to the teacher if they’re still in session) to stand with them until they make an apology each to the other. “I’m sorry for forgetting my promise” and “I’m sorry for telling the other girls not to play with you.” Then forgive each other. If one isn’t ready to apologize, you get the other girl (M) over and say,
“IF my sister apologized, would you forgive her?” Sometimes when a 6-year-old knows how the story will end happily, they’re more willing to take the risk of apologizing.</p>
<p>The best you can really do might be, “M is feeling angry now, and you’re feeling sad. It sounds like M’s not ready to go back to being friends right now. I hope someday she’ll change back to being your friend.” </p>
<p>As big sister, you can play an outrageous wild card and offer to take out your sister and one or 2 of the other girls that M has warned away from your sister OUT FOR ICE CREAM. Leave M out of the invitation. Just let the other girls see they don’t have to be ruled by M. Outbid her.</p>
<p>Has your sister tried to apologize to M or explain her action? First graders are naturally pretty self-centered, so I think it’s good to talk about how the other girl may feel. How would your sister feel if she were pinky promised something special by a friend, and then her friend chose something/someone else? Your sister obviously doesn’t deserve to be spied on or whatever, but the other kid’s just a first grader, too. I think a nice apology, hug, and a shared “special” lunch could go a long way.</p>
<p>CDN_dancer - the ice cream suggestion is a great one. I assume you are college age - you will be much admired and considered very cool by the girls that you take for ice cream.</p>
<p>After the ice cream outing you can see how “M” treats your sister. Then, it might be time to do something with all the girls - roller skating, water park, or even just a picnic at a local park with a variety of play equipment.</p>
<p>This can be a very touchy situation that believe it or not can follow your sister for years at her primary school. My college age D had a similar experience and calls first grade the year she had no friends.</p>
<p>“M” could continue to manipulate this situation over the summer so that your sister might be “shunned” by the girls once school begins unless this is nipped in the bud right now.</p>
<p>Westcoastmom, you’re much nicer than I am. I had proposed to take out everyone except M to ice cream, to take away some of her power over the other girls. But of course, this drives M underground in her anger…</p>
<p>only to be rescued by…</p>
<p>Mathmom’s boys!! Oh noes!!</p>
<p>I’m buying stock in an ice cream company for the summer.</p>
<p>ps, thanks Soozie. How are your girls – as I recall one entering architecture, one doing a great summer job in NYC theater, through NYU?</p>
<p>paying3tuitions - I agree that CDN_dancer should take her sister and the other two girls first. They’ll let “M” know on their next playdate how cool the big sister was and how they got to do something special. I thought the outbid gambit was a good idea. Girls this age just adore college age young women and really look up to them.</p>
<p>That’s why I thought big sister could take all the girls out including “M” no later than 5 to 7 days. A picnic at a park with a good playground is a good low cost alternative for a college age student. Besides that the girls can all run around and get rid of some energy.</p>
<p>Then, CDN_dancer can observe the situation in person and see what is going on between “M” and her sister. In fact, she might even have a tete-a-tete with “M.”</p>
<p>However, having been involved in a similar situation there is no guarantee that this will work. What little sis has going for her is big sis. And “M” does feel wronged so an apology is most likely in order at some point in time - perhaps at a sleepover with just little sis and “M” with big sis as the mediator.</p>
<p>Recent book by a sociologist – has anyone read it to recommend?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Her earlier book, “Slut!” was about how middle school girls clobber each other over their sexuality. If I recall correctly, she did her research by sitting behind bathroom stall doors at middle schools, listening and taking notes on what they said about each other. Seriously.</p>
<p>Some mean girls grow up. The girl who instigated being mean to me in 7th grade apologized to me when she was a junior in high school. It’s amazing how it’s changed the way I feel about people. I tend to think that meanness is usually a temporary aberration instead of permanent character flaw. I don’t know if it’s true, but I sure prefer going through people assuming the best.</p>
<p>My D was miserable in 7th grade too.
Didn’t recover from the fact she wore leggings in 6th grade and therefore was branded as uncool, not caring less about whatever image you were supposed to project.
Middle school, the period where girls have to conform. To be “popular” was the one goal. Ironically, girls want to exert their individuality …yet if one is unique in some way, whether in what they wear which doesn’t conform to the latest trends, what particular talents they display, anything “different” from the crowd…they are mocked or made fun of. And fights …they go on forever, molehills become mountains, grudges last for weeks or months, gossip fests and “she saids, she dids”…on and on.</p>
<p>Ofcourse I’m generalizing , but boys…well boys just yell at each other and fight and it’s over and the next day they’re buddies again, happy to snicker together about whatever the “gross” thing du jour is.</p>
<p>How welcome 9th grade was when all of it changed.</p>