I should caveat my “Amen” with when you have a healthy spouse. Obviously toxic spouses are a different story.
@bookworm: My husband broke down and contacted the kid and made plans to get him home yesterday without notifying me. He says he couldn’t take it anymore. I figured this was just the next stage in learning and accepting who this kid is. He is my heart, but, he will walk his own way …
And I’ve seen families where putting the spouse first put the kids way behind. Balance is good.
It is nice to have spouse in that top spot with the kids right behind–that seems to be the trend in many of the happy families I see around here. Yes, of course, having a mentally (and physically) healthy spouse and kids really helps the dynamic work better.
W2E, I’m so glad your husband took the lead.
He is, too, believe me. He can pace and drive me crazy.
Have a good one.
This article tries to answer the question:
Whose parents - yours or your spouse’s, are more difficult?
http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424127887323713104578137222992767676
The author seems to argue that if you are in-laws to your DIL, it may be better for you to be more cautious about potentially interfering with the family of your son and your DIL.
Do you agree with this?
Hopefully everyone had an inlaw drama free Thanksgiving, I know I did!
One son was at in-laws last weekend, but MIL said he didn’t make it for Thanksgiving (totally discounting that he came specifically because he would be missing the holiday with them). MIL sometimes says things that make one roll your eyes - and what really is the ‘truth’ - anything medical, you really need to find out facts from someone else because she gets so many things wrong. To find out family plans, I have to find out from other people because she passes on mis-information so many times…
My inlaws never, ever gave me any problem. I am extremely lucky on this front. This remedies the misfortunes brought on both me and my wife from my side of family. Some families are just “better” than others.
This weekend I appear to be the in-law. We’re spending it with both sons and their girl friends, so I’m the in-law. (The GFs are both serious, long-term GFs with whom marriage has been discussed.) I’m trying to step back so the GFs can develop their own relationship. That relationship will last far longer than the relationship I have with either of them.
VeryHappy, you are so smart to let the GFs develop their own relationship. I cherish my husband’s sisters like my own. Love my sister’s husband like a born brother. The sibling in law relationship can last a very long time.
I get along great with my brother’s wife–probably better than many of my sibs. It is great to have nice relationships with spouses of our sibs.
Yeah but Mr R got you. He wins.
I have 2 sons. I hope I’m not that MIL that they talk about behind my back and get prickly with. Ugh…after being a daughter, niece, wife, DIL, mother, friend, I really hate the thought of not being liked as a MIL. I’m just going to have to learn to just smile and keep my mouth shut.
I think I inadvertently became one of those difficult mother-in-laws when it comes to holidays. I certainly never intended to, but my problem is my daughter and her husband (who live an hour away) just will not let us know their plans in advance (& by advance i mean more than a few days). I completely understand that he has family and assumed they’d maybe alternate between us which is fine. We are a very small family with no other family within a thousand miles, so in years where they have other plans it ends up just being my husband and me on the day itself and i’d like to know in advance so we can make other plans or accept other invites that may come along (we usually go see our son who lives 1200 miles away somewhere in the Christmas period though he always works Christmas day itself - not this year as I used all my vacation and comp days when my Mum died 
). I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a Hard place. I dont want them to feel we dont want to ever spend Christmas with them by always having made plans that don’t involve them, but i dont want to be left at the l last minute with no plans. Last year was the worst - we talked about it in advance for a change and I thought the plans were all set then they changed their plans a few days before which was so frustrating because it was too late for us to make other plans. I asked a couple of days ago and the response was “I’ll let you know when I know”. I’ve actually come to dread what was always my favorite holiday because it has become so stressful. Ugh.
I don’t blame you for feeling like you do. Have you told them this? I would tell them it’s terribly lonely when it’s just you two, and unless they let you know xyz days ahead, you will just accept other invites, and could they then just come the week after? I wouldn’t say it accusingly or threateningly. I think what they are doing is just another way that are kids take us for granted.
Being good in-laws should work both ways. Sounds like your daughter and son-in-law need to up their game a bit. Sorry!
I agree with @conmama’s suggestion. It’s not fair of them to keep you in reserve like that.
ETA: I’ve just got to share this story:
Six or so months ago, I visited S1. Up in his attic, which has a very slanted roof line, I was exercising. I did a headstand and then, true to form, fell over so my backside hit the sheet rock on the bottom of the wall. I poked a huge hole in the wall – apologized to S1 and of course I’ll be paying for a handyman to come and patch the wall.
During our Thanksgiving visit to S1 and his GF, S2 and GF have been sleeping in the attic. There’s no heat up there, so at dinner last night S1 mentioned that the only heat that gets up to the attic is from the heat register in the guest bedroom. And then S1’s GF said, “Well, except for the hot air that comes out of your mom’s butt hole.”
There was absolute silence for a minute until we all figured out what she was referring to. She was mortified!!!
I kind of agree that flexibility can work for all sides It takes the pressure off the kids and can be just as satisfying for (some of us) parents. For other reasons, for a number of years, DH and I celebrated Christmas with my mother and brother a day or more early. Depending on when it fell, sometimes the weekend before. Tonight, both girls, the SO’s, and another couple will be here for Thanksgiving (and it won’t be turkey.)
Something else to say. For a long while, my mother didn’t understand why my brother didn’t come visit more often (he was an hour away) and why he didn’t come prepared for a day’s work. washing windows, fixing something, clearing out some corner, etc. I asked her if she let his visits be a little fun, too, doing a little something together, working on the bonding, even going to the movies. She said, “Why?” We have to work on those bonds, which we can do and still let them live their lives.