VeryHappy, The story is so funny.
Never underestimate how much SO of your kid knows about you and your family!
I have tried, believe me. Last year was kind of the final straw when they changed their plans at the last minute. Now I’d really rather just make our own plans and not stress out about it. We are talking about moving near the coast in the next year or 2 when i retire. It will make holidays easier in an odd way because we’ll be so far away.
The butt hole story is hilarious.
@swimcatsmom - I think that’s a great idea. Sometimes kids need to see that their parents whole life does not revolve around them before they wake up and think “oh.” I’ve been guilty of this a little myself. You can be kind and gracious about it.
That’s just rude to make plans and cancel at the last minute, unless there is an urgent reason - especially for a holiday which requires a lot of food purchasing and prep.
@swimcatsmom, We lived very far away from DS, who could not come home for holidays (actually, during last Christmas holiday, we thought it might be the last holiday we would be together for many years to come.) We actually had some concern that he might be alone during Thanksgivings. He is not a planner and usually does not know what he will do for holiday till, maybe, that day comes. Some people are just like that.
My wife was joking that he is a “free range” kid (is there a phrase called “free range chicken”?)
My “controversial” view on this: These days, young people need a lot of “safe space”. So, if a parent gives their son or daughter a lot of space, it would help him or her to be an “attractive” partner in today’s dating market place. If it is good for your loved one, isn’t it good for you as parents also?!
Yes, we are alone during Thanksgiving holiday. We also expect this may be the norm in the next few years.
@lasma you’re so sweet. Thank you for that 
@swimcatsmom, that seems very inconsiderate of your daughter.
Our kids live 2500 and 5000 miles from us. They both flew down to celebrate Thanksgiving with us and will be with us for Christmas as well. I am delighted! This is the 2nd hear in a row we’ve had them for both holidays. We’ve always had them for Christmas, even when S was dating someone that none of us ever met (tho he does spend New Year’s Eve and day 5000 miles away).
Last minute cancellations are VERY thoughtless. I’m sad to read when kids treat parents that way.
swimcats, I’m so sorry your D is doing things like this. IMO, it’s rude and quite selfish.
Even now, my schedule is extremely unpredictable and I always tell my parents and in-laws to make their plans as though I’m not coming and as soon as I know I am able to come, I let them know and if I can be included in plans, great! If not, that’s fine, too.
Just as a general statement (not to swimcats), for kids who had parents whose lives revolved around them growing up, it can be hard to wrap one’s head around the fact that parents might not want to center their lives on them anymore. I have some friends who had SAHM who wouldn’t tell their parents until a few hours before what their plans are because they figure their parents will drop everything for them. And why shouldn’t they think that? The parents have been doing it their whole lives. It’s hard to create those boundaries after decades of none.
I was a mostly SAHM, but am glad our kids cherish time with their cousins and us enough to plan and buy plane tickets. They are surprised and pleased when we have plans that do not revolve around them, which happens more and more.
I agree that the cancellation was thoughtless, especially in view of the fact that the child knew it would leave her parents spending the holiday on their own. I think the only way to go forward with that type of scenario is to make plans with other children or friends. Don’t consult that one child at all ahead of time since it is clear you are not a priority and you will not get a timely or definitive response. If you happen to be hosting others at your home, you can extend an invitation to them as well.
Yes, if any invites come up we’ll accept and let them know we’ll do Christmas with them another day. They did host both sides of the family for a lovely Thanksgiving dinner Thursday. If they have other plans for Christmas it is absolutely fine. I just want to know. We’d probably go out for Christmas lunch if it’s just the 2 of us. Don’t want to do all that cooking for just 2 plus we are trying to eat a bit healthy (i have a 4 (3 1/2 now) month ultimatum from doc to get my blood sugar under control or he’s going to put me on meds) so dont want a houseful of leftovers.
In our early days of dating, H would take for granted that I’d keep my weekends free for us to spend together, but I didn’t like being taken for granted, so I’d go ahead and make other plans if we didn’t have any particular firm commitment to do something. When he expressed surprise and disappointment, I’d sweetly say that we had no plans together and suddenly he got MUCH better about making plans with me well ahead of time to avoid being disappointed. 
My g/f from years past invites me for holidays, even though I’m usually with cousin’s family. When I learned my cuz was going away, I invited myself to her T-day. Two years ago, when son and his g/f were in town, I asked my friend if I could bring them too. Lots of parents of sons from my son’s childhood, so people were delighted to see him and meet the g/f.
We then went to cousin’s, and the young couple met up with the young people from first party to spend the late evening.
My suggestion from being left out when kids change their mind is to share the info with friends. As long as people are hosting a large crowd, they can easily add two more people. I’m sure you are good guests.
THANK YOU for posting this! One of the best things I’ve read on CC in a long time!
The above taken out of context is a little hard to fathom. The original post…well, check it out on the previous page. Very funny!
^^^^^@great lakes mom, that is very true! I was truly astonished until I went back and found the original post!
@swimcat…you aren’t the difficult in law here, it’s your daughter and sil. I agree with the idea of making your own plans. I haven’t gotten to the point where it’s just me and hubby but I think I’d go away somewhere if we were going to be alone.
How far away are your d’s inlaws? Seems she should host more often than just that one time.
I’m being a big person and very understanding. Sigh.
S2’s GF (five-year relatonship; they will get married eventually) can’t come to our place or even her parents’ place for Christmas. She has to work and will only have the three-day weekend. S2 himself would come here but he’s a starving grad student and has to pay for a trip to a wedding in February. I thought of offering to pay for his trip home at Christmas, but it occurs to me that his current loyalty really should be to his GF. I would be meddling if I paid for his trip home. Instead, I’ll be a big, understanding person and recognize that he needs to put his GF before his mother and spend Christmas with the GF.
You’re doing the right thing.