Dealing with Nosey Friends

Parents Forum
1

<p>I’m curious if anyone else has faced this issue. My son attends a relatively small HS, there are about 175 people in his class. We’re hoping that he will be able to get into one of the top tier schools. There are probably only a handful of other students [less than 10 kids] that would have a chance at those same schools. But they are all friends of his and they always need to know what he is doing and want to do the same as him.</p>

<p>With such small numbers, it is unlikely that more than one student will get admitted to those top schools [Ivies, MIT, Stanford]. I’ve mentioned to my son that he should keep the list of schools he’s applying to himself, rather than telling everyone. Some of them will probably want to apply just because he does!! They are pretty nice kids but tend to follow what my son does. WHen he participates in an activity or club, they all want to follow along. What I am scared of is that their tagging along, he loses ways to distinguish himself. They all get As in classes and belong to same clubs. One exception is that my son has jumped ahead in math and sciences. He took classes at CTY program and was able to skip general chem and physics and go directly to AP classes. For math, he’s taken college courses the last 2 years. </p>

<p>Any suggestions on what suggestions I might make to DS to keep things to himself? He really doesn;t think he needs to “hide” stuff but I want him to find ways to make him different than the others when it comes time to putting things on their applications. BTW, my son and his friends are all in the same ethnic group – another reason why I want him to be different. He is more vocal than the other kids and was active in student govt as class treasurer. </p>

<p>I want to help him improve his chances for getting into a good school. I spend time finding out information that helps him and would prefer he not share it so easily. Maybe I’m being selfish, but it is my money that will get spent sending him to college!!!</p>

2

<p>If people ask where he’s applying, just tell them a couple of “safety” schools. I can’t imagine when people ask, “what are your plans” that they mean they want an entire complete list of every college you are applying to.</p>

<p>Just advise him to do his own thing and not compare himself to others, to stop right now examining where he is relative to his peers. By doing so, he only makes himself more self-conscious. Don’t focus on “what can I do to set myself apart from them”- instead ask yourself, “what can I do that is fulfilling and satisfying for ME.”</p>

3

<p>Since there are at least 300 or “good” schools out there (and more for the right student), I fail to see the problem. If they are all basically the same, a very small number of colleges will make it a crapshoot (based on good essays, ability to pay, need for a Serbo-Croatian major, etc.) If they are not all the same, it is the job of the college admissions officer to tease that out. </p>

<p>If he’s doing things so as to have them appear on his application, a good admissions officer can smell that a mile away.</p>

4

<p>mjmmmom,</p>

<p>Your son sounds like a great kid - generous, and a leader!</p>

<p>I hate to tell you this, but the word is kinda out on the Ivy’s,
MIT and Stanford. Tens of thousands of other kids are going
to apply even if you can prevent 10 from your local high school
adding to the competition. Not sharing information locally is going
make only a miniscule amout of difference in the total level
of competition.</p>

<p>However, sharing information could make not just your son, but
all his friends better candidates. How proud would you be if
you could be the difference in making this a bumper year for
good college acceptances for your son’s school. Wouldn’t your
son feel better about his success if his friends succeeded, too?
(Rather than having to hide his good fortune to spare their feelings?)</p>

5

<p>I read this and kinda thought you were making it up for a second. Won’t you be surprized if nobody from your son’s HS including him makes it in? </p>

<p>You are in a little pond right now, it’s a big sea out there. Your S sounds like he is basically normal in sharing with his friends…why would you want him to be different? </p>

<p>And yes, you are being selfish and I guess this just rubbed me the wrong way. Way too ubercompetitive for me.</p>

6

<p>Anyhow, this sounds all backwards. Your son should be comparing notes with his friends about safety schools - schools where he could learn, feel challenged, enjoy, feel good about attending, and that you could afford. That’s where kids don’t do nearly enough sharing, and among parents, it’s even worse.</p>

<p>Once you have the safety school identified, everything else is gravy (and in the global scheme of things, hardly matters. Whether he goes to Stanford or San Diego State, he is still the same kid.)</p>

7

<p>This thread strikes me as petty.</p>

8

<p>It should be up to your son, not you, how much he shares or doesn’t share with his friends. When I read the thread, I thought it was to help you or your S on how to answer questions he didn’t want to answer. I know kids who keep their lists to themselves because they don’t want to have to deal with “How could you not have gotten into _______?” if and when the rejection letters come. </p>

<p>But if your son is comfortable answering questions, and doesn’t see a problem withothers applying where he’s applying, then keep out of it. Do you really want to change who your son is, and stress him out by asking him to keep secrets he doesn’t want to keep? Don’t you think it’s equally likely that kids with all A’s will be likely to pick the same schools, even if he says nothing? Why make your S crazier than this entire crazy time will make him?</p>

9

<ol>
<li><p>If I were a kid, and another kid played the kind of game with me that the OP is suggesting her son play, I would want to lynch him. “I’m not going to tell you where I’m applying, because you might copy me.”? Give me a break!</p></li>
<li><p>If the OP’s son stands out to the extent she says – clearly more advanced in math and science than his friends – then she should welcome their applying, because that will provide context for the admissions departments to be certain that he is the top. What she has to worry about is students who stand out to a similar extent in other fields – colleges admit them, too.</p></li>
<li><p>One reason why ambitious kids sometimes talk to each other about their applications is so that they don’t all go head to head with each other, especially at the EA/ED stage. If they think no super-selective college will take more than one of them, they clearly stand a better chance as a group if they divide their applications among six or seven than among one or two. Admissions officers may not love that, but it’s rational decisionmaking on the students’ part (and sometimes enforced by their guidance counselors). I would think the OP might WANT this to happen. </p></li>
<li><p>Part of being a leader is putting up with a certain lack of privacy, and having to have your failures as well as your successes happen more or less in public.</p></li>
</ol>

10

<p>njm…Get thee to the school scattergram site where you will see that many many students apply to the top schools. Unless you live in the South Pacific, your son’s app will not be a solo one.</p>

<p>I agree with JHS. You are contemplating ‘gaming’ the system, nj. Don’t. Let your son make his own social decisions. In all likelihood, the school has set rules for the students.</p>

11

<p>ask yourself this question–if one of his friends was also applying to your sons “dream” school, and the friend found out about an impromptu opportunity to meet with a person from the school 's admission office, or if the friend became aware of an important deadline that your son was unaware of, would you be at all upset that this information was not shared with your child? Remember, live by the sword–die by the sword.</p>

12

<p>^No truer words.</p>

13

<p>If you just take it as a given that, regardless, he is not getting into ANY of these schools, and will go to a great college anyway, all the pressure is off, and then, who knows, you might be pleasantly surprised. So…if you took that as an assumption, how would you have him act?</p>

14

<p>I have a son in a similar situation. Class size similar to yours. About 15 really, really bright, accomplished kids, all applying to the same schools. Similar grades (95+) AP scores (all 5’s) SAT scores (1500/2250+), and extracurriculars.</p>

<p>My son attends a neighborhood school. Hence, many of these kids have been his friends since he’s been about 2 years old. Of these 15 top kids, about 6-7 of them are his “best” friends. I know them, and love them, they are great kids.</p>

<p>Are any of them more deserving to get into top schools than my son? No. But is my son more deserving than them? Again, no. Do I want to see my son succeed. Yes. Do I want to see them succeed? Again, a resounding Yes.</p>

<p>I think you need to find a safety school with which you all will be happy. I really have come to peace with the fact that my son, no matter how deserving, may end up in one of his safety schools. Its fine … there will be equally smart kids in those safeties who also did not make the Ivy’s.</p>

<p>Another thing that helps is is that I look around at people who are successful and happy. Most of them did not attend top schools. And they are fine … as will be your child.</p>

15

<p>I doubt any kind of advice your S can pass onto his friends will either give them a leg up on an admission to an elite school – or lessen his own chances. Be kind and generous with your knowledge: it’s a good life lesson for your kid…</p>

16

<p>When my two sons went through the process, I opened my big mouth about every opportunity that came along to his “competitors” (I put that in quotes because it’s such a silly concept). Friends thought I was crazy- they said, “Why are you telling other people about this-or-that scholarship deadline? Now they will apply and your son might not get it!”</p>

<p>So what happened- my sons ended up with about 4 great scholarships each. They ended up getting rejected from schools that other kids with lower grades, scores, and ECs got into. They ended up accepted to some schools that other kids with better grades, scores and ECs got rejected from. Why? I don’t know. How many threads on CC have debated “what are these colleges really looking for?” There is no magic bullet. Helping your fellow man is not going to hurt you. Not helping your fellow man will hurt your soul, and the wound never goes away. I’d rather sleep at night.</p>

17

<p>Sleeping is good. ;)</p>

18

<p>I usually answer the question with “well, he’s applying to eight schools…all different sizes, all over the country, and we’re hoping he might get some merit money somewhere.” Not many folks have pressed beyond that. If someone asks if he’s applying to X, I’ll answer honestly. However, I think they’d generally be surprised at his choices, as they are somewhat contra to expectations.</p>

<p>DS has a quirky list, and he would be happy at all eight, including his safety – and many of his closest friends would be there with him. Boy, does that reduce the stakes and stress, knowing that every school on the list is a win-win!</p>

<p>Because I have this habit of researching everything to the nth degree, people tend to ask me about stuff pertaining to testing, colleges, scholarships, GT issues, etc. I am happy to share. We just got back from visitng friends in CA whose daughter is also a senior. She’ll be the val, has excellent scores and ECs, but is looking at a totally different universe of schools. Schools like all flavors and varieties of talents and interests – what would be a poor fit for my son might be a terrific environment for someone else. </p>

<p>The student who hasn’t taken two years of college math may write beautiful and meaningful essays; the buddy from band may have spent hundreds of hours tutoring kids in music. I know my kids don’t know everything their friends have done while in high school!</p>

<p>DS has a group of friends outside of school who have shared their college reports with each other. They all took notes at the schools they visited and then compared experiences. It helps that they are all looking at similar majors, but I have found it mind-boggling at how he has created this wonderful network of colleagues without it becoming competitive.</p>

<p>DS’s friends who graduated last year did not talk much about where they were applying – there is a lot of overlap, and after many years of friendship, they did not want that competitive stuff creeping in. They are all bright, motivated kids who love learning, and who will bloom wherever they are planted. So, they avoided it – frustrating to parents who want to know what’s going on, but a very healthy response on the kids’ part, IMO. Once the seniors had made their decisions, you could feel the collective sigh of relief – it was back to the easy banter and the status quo.</p>

19

<p>My D decided to keep her college list to herself. She had some close friends with much lower SATs and grades. She also applying to several reach schools and expected a lot of rejections. Rejections are bad enough without all the friends asking about the outcomes. From what I observed, parents want to compare notes; the kids are not that interested.</p>

20

<p>wow, never expected to get so many responses. I really am not trying to be petty as some have pointed out. I spend a great deal of effort looking into schools for my son as well as providing guidance to him on things he should consider doing. And yes, some of these are to make his “resume” look good to colleges. I just want him to be able to compete with al of the many deserving students. </p>

<p>The reason that I am concerned is that I know that his school is small. It is rare, though not impossible, that 2 kids get into a top school in one year. In fact they had 2 get into Princeton, one EA, one RD. The difference is that I see some of the others in his class doing things solely because he is doing it. For example, when they found out that he went to CTY program, the following year, they all wanted to go and to the same place. WHile he learned lots in the class while he was there, I think he missed out a lot on the social aspect because his schoolmates were always around him. Not trying to say he’s so wonderful, but he is the one that tends to make friends easier, especially with those not in the same ethnic group :). </p>

<p>I truly want whats best for him and like most parents want him to be able to realize his potential. While there are tons of kids like him out there, I just want him to have to be vying for the slot at a top school with his own HS classmates.</p>