Dealing with parents...what is enough?

Parent Cafe
21

<p>Luckily my dad only loves himself, or at least that’s how it seems; after my mom and I first moved out, and moved states, he didn’t try contacting us for over a year, no financial support, no contact, at all, but let us out to dry.</p>

<p>But yeah, I should stop whining haha. It’s just I still have a weird desire to make my family proud, because they’re all so accomplished. I don’t want to be the “black sheep” Every single one of my cousins has gone to an Ivy league school, on my dad’s side at least.</p>

22

<p>it’s okay, i’ve disappointed my parents so much that any little accomplishment is me with praise.</p>

23

<p>some parents feel that criticising their kids, will inspire them to reach higher.
My neighbor actually was inspired by his fathers criticism.
He had long hair ( this was in the 70s) and his father was sure that he wasn’t going to graduate high school and that his long hair (?) was a factor.
He actually wasn’t at the time on track to graduate, but his fathers condesencion struck a nerve and he buckled down and graduated.
with long hair.
Now another kid, might hear the " you are never going to amount to anything" spiel, and take it to heart.
I try to give specific compliments, so they mean something, but I am not great at it- hard to change how you were parented yourself.
However, my kids are fantastic, at seperating out other peoples issues from their own worth, so perhaps I did something right :)</p>

24

<p>Prove your dad wrong. Do what you want, do it well and be happy. Cultivate relationships with people who are there for you, biological bond or not. Chances are that even if you were at an Ivy with a 4.0 your dad would want more-- so forget about chasing his dreams, and instead chase yours.</p>

25

<p>I hate having Asian parents. So I get a 3.64 this term, which, most of you will agree, that it’s a great GPA when I’m at a tough competitive private school, taking 4 APs at the same time, and living with a single mother (which means a LOT of chauffeuring). Well she goes on a tirade about that I got a B- in AP Enviro. I was NEVER strong in the sciences, I NEVER liked the sciences, and neither was she. She keeps fixating on the things that I *<strong><em>ed up, completely ignoring the fact that I got an A in AP Econ and English (I moved here 6 years ago…and according to my mom that’s maybe a reason I didn’t make AP English). OK I *</em></strong>ed up. So? The past is past. It’s gone. That B- is set in stone. FOREVER. No amount of whining, bribing, harassing, blackmailing, or tirading is going to change that. So get over it and let it go. Stuff happens. Be happy I PASSED chem and physics. Be happy I MADE IT into 4 APs. Be happy that I HAVE A STRONG INTEREST. Some kids don’t even have that. She didn’t even PASS chem. Yet she can’t get over the fact that I got a B- in chem. Science was always the reason I couldn’t get straight As; what makes you think I’d do well in it now? I hate science. I suck at science. Get over it. She talks like I LIKE getting bad grades. Does she REALLY think I LIKE getting bad grades? I hate it just as much if not more than she does. It SUCKS!!! Does she think I WANT bad grades? It sort of happens. People **** up. I have this problem where I tend to drop the ball on little things. Oh well. I’m a big picture guy. So what. Seriously my mom has NEVER said a single positive thing to me since the beginning of high school. Not even a “Good job” for the things I do well. Would it kill her to say “good job” and be positive once in a while? All she does is berate me for the things I mess up, and at the same time, she tells ME to be positive, when SHE needs to be positive. I’ve been positive the whole time, considering I didn’t commit suicide or get prescribed for prozac yet. How do I stay positive when everything I do is a negative? </p>

<p>I know some of you are going to say “wah wah wah. Get over it.” Well I COULD NOT CARE LESS what she says because she has some childish vendetta about being bad at science. I’m not looking for approval from my mom, because I DON’T GIVE A FLYING **** WHAT SHE THINKS OF ME. If she thinks I’m stupid because I decided to major econ/finance and become an investment banker, so be it. I DON’T CARE. Let her think that. Goldman Sachs certainly doesn’t think so. If she thinks I’m inadequate because I’ll end up at NYU, so be it. I DON’T GIVE A RAT’S ASS BECAUSE CITIGROUP AND UBS DON’T THINK SO, AND WON’T THINKS SO WHEN THEY INTERVIEW ME. I just want her to be grateful for the things I do well, not just bring up the stuff I ****ed up. I’m getting farther and farther away from my mom, which actually may be a good thing. Oh well. </p>

<p>Some parents think that condescension and destructive criticism will inspire their kids to do well. Well they’re wrong. If any parents and/or future parents are reading this, I BEG you, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER EVER EVER do this to your children. It DESTROYS them. It DESTROYS their self esteem, their soul, their confidence. It DESTROYS their ability to do anything confidently. They WILL become shy, reactive, introverted, self-conscious, impotent, pessimistic, depressed, possibly suicidal, and worst of all, BITTER. THEY WILL HATE YOU FOREVER. And when they can’t get a job because they have couldn’t talk confidently about their achievements during the interview, they WILL come back and blame you.</p>

26

<p>I can understand your parents wanting you to get an education and not rely on a music career, since a music career is so iffy.</p>

<p>But, that is really outrageous that they aren’t giving you more acknowledgment. I suggest that you recognize just what an awesome person you are, and what you have accomplished, and stand firm. Maybe someday they will see it, but if not, know that your happiness does not have to depend on their approval. It’s unfortunate that your dad does not seem to appreciate just how much you HAVE accomplished.</p>

<p>I agree with them that getting an education is a good idea, but it doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing proposition. Someone is not a failure just because they don’t go to Harvard or get a 4.0 GPA!</p>

<p>Remember that it’s YOUR life. Getting an education is generally good advice, but beyond that, as far as whom you choose for friends and what you decide to major in and which career to pursue, I say follow your heart! Do what you believe is best for YOU. </p>

<p>Check out this thread; I think you’ll find a lot of helpful info that might pertain to your situation.</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=239090[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=239090&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

27

<p>NeedAdvice:</p>

<p>In my opinion, your dad SHOULD be proud of you. You got into Berkeley, which is not easy to get into; you’re getting great grades (I don’t know about Berkeley, but in the history of Harvard, supposedly only two students got straight As); you have friends who are also doing well, though they manage to have fun–as I hope you do. </p>

<p>Don’t worry about your dad. It’s your life. I agree that music is a hard career. Some strike it rich but the majority do not. Still, there are many opportunities for making music both in college and elsewhere. Take advantage of those now and see how things work out. Hugs to you.</p>

28

<p>I could start a service: Positive Adult Male Feedback for Emotionally Abused Students, LLC.</p>

<p>NeedAdvice, I think you are a great person, and I am very proud of your accomplishments. I don’t care what you study or what you choose as your life’s work, just know that I support you 100%. Please invite me to your next concert.</p>

<p>Wow. That’s pretty easy. Do you think there’s a market for it?</p>

<p>(I was serious, by the way. I know how tough it is not getting your father’s approval. Honest, I do. I’m sure you are going to be fine, and, as hard as it is, try not to live your life for your parents’ approval. Take care.)</p>

29

<p>NeedAdvice - my D’s could have written your posts. Their father has not been “around” much for them since they were young. Whatever accomplishments they achieved, it was never good enough for him because somewhere, someone else’s kid did it better.</p>

<p>When my D went to a state school, he said she was a disgrace. She had good grades and EC’s, but nothing to stand out. </p>

<p>My younger D who is a senior is an excellent athlete with good grades. After many college visits and searching her soul, she has decided she wants to attend a Div. II LAC. You would think by her father’s reaction she has committed a mortal sin. He has even told her she is a piece of s h * t for making that decision. I mean, now he can’t go around bragging to people that his D plays a sport for a DI school! Such an embarrassment for him! </p>

<p>Though my D’s love their father, they have realized that whatever they do will never be good enough for him. Though it hurts them deeply, they know they can never change him - they can only change their reaction to him. </p>

<p>I am very proud of my D’s in that THEY have made their decisions based on their needs and their wants and their goals. And I tell them every chance I get!</p>

<p>Just realize that some people will never be happy - and you can’t make them be by constantly trying to please them. You are an adult now - follow your own heart.</p>

30

<p>I agree with posts # 24 and 29.</p>

<p>“Luckily my dad only loves himself, or at least that’s how it seems; after my mom and I first moved out, and moved states, he didn’t try contacting us for over a year, no financial support, no contact, at all, but let us out to dry.”</p>

<p>Then he has no business telling you what to do. What is his true motivation for wanting you to succeed at a prestigious school with a prestigious degree? Is it really because he cares about you, or would it just be another trophy on his wall, another thing he can brag about?</p>

<p>I’d say don’t even bother with what he thinks. Do what makes you happy. Who cares if all your cousins went to Ivies? If YOU want to go to an Ivy, then do it. But if not, then why do you think you must compete with your dad or your cousins?</p>

<p>As I said in that other thread that I told you about, financial success is but one of many ways of measuring success, and it’s not even the most important one in life. It’s like #4 on the list. Just look at your dad: he has financial success, but is he happy? Do you consider him someone that you want to emulate? Abandoning his family…um, sounds like he may have learned some great things in school, but he didn’t learn what’s important: how to be supportive of loved ones.</p>

<p>As Bruce Lee said, ‘Take what is useful, discard the rest.’ If your dad and cousins have inspired you with their academic and financial success, then fine, learn from them. But don’t make the mistake of thinking that their lives are all ‘together’ just because they have academic and financial success. Your dad has proven that such success does not guarantee good values, happiness, or love (or the ability to show love, anyway).</p>

<p>If you truly don’t want to follow their academic paths, then don’t. I think you need to get clear on what YOU want. Don’t follow the path just because your biological dad (who wasn’t even there for you) thinks you should. It’s really none of his business. I suggest finding some other people, perhaps in other fields, to inspire you. None of them will be perfect. Each person has flaws. Perhaps you can get some inspiration on academic success from you dad, but inspiration on following your heart and finding happiness from someone else.</p>

31

<p>NeedAdvice, your dad may have been number one in physics, but he is not number one as a father, although I’m sure in his way he loves you.</p>

<p>It’s important for girls in particular to have a positive relationship with their father…but it just may not be possible for you. He is what he is, sadly. You will frustrate yourself looking for something so elusive. With someone like that you just have to scale down your expectations.</p>

<p>You have done extremely well and I hope at least you are proud of yourself…you should be.</p>

32

<p>I found one surefire way to get parents off my case. Never need their money. Once they lose that control they have to start acting better or you are free to stop associating with them. Very liberating.</p>

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<p>I think this would be more accurate if it excluded the “in particular.” Boys are just as in need of positive make role models, guidance, and encouragement as girls are. Perhaps the emphasis above was due to a sense that some people don’t think daughters need their fathers?</p>

34

<p>‘‘If it is ridiculous to dream it is ridiculous to be human’’</p>

<p>somewhere in the Bible it said dreams are for fools.</p>

35

<p>Did anyone notice that this thread was started in July by needadvice and then brought up again yesterday by a different poster? The new poster is in High School - futurenyustudent. Needadvice has not posted on this thread since July.</p>

36

<p>‘‘Needadvice has not posted on this thread since July.’’</p>

<p>yep.</p>

37

<p>Oh wow, you’re right. Who knows whether NeedAdvice is even reading any of this!</p>

<p>We should all be replying to FutureNYUstudent! (see post #25) That’s who needs some encouragement right now! (I confess I didn’t even read all the posts, first time around.)</p>

<p>Future: Much of what’s been said to NeedAdvice would apply to the situation with your mom as well. I can understand your resentment: All I ever heard from my dad was negative stuff, never any acknowledgment at all. In addition to what’s already been said, I would add that it’s fine to feel your feelings, but I suggest seeking out some counseling. It might be helpful to vent a bit in a constructive way. (Constructive venting means in the presence of a counselor who can help you deal with your anger and clear it, so that it is not harmful to you or anyone else.)</p>

<p>In the meantime, remember that it’s YOUR life and you HAVE a lot to be proud of! You HAVE done well, especially in light of the fact that you are not native to this language or this country. I don’t understand why some parents don’t seem to realize how damaging their negativity is to their kids.</p>

<p>Take the high road! Stay positive, and believe in yourself! No one is perfect in EVERYTHING, so don’t let your mom get you down. Point out to her your successes, and if she still doesn’t see them, that’s HER loss! Pursue your dream, and find someone at your school (maybe an adviser or counselor) who can help you make your college plans, since your mom is not there for you.</p>

38

<p>So yer sayin Needadvice don’t need yer advice? :D</p>

39

<p>Ha! No, I’m saying she probably hasn’t even checked the forum in months so doesn’t even know all these replies are waiting for her. The newer poster has a more urgent need for advice than the OP.</p>

40

<p>My dad gave me physics books well into my 20’s!! (I majored in English Lit.) </p>

<p>One more girl pushed by her dad. And he’s a WASP.</p>