<p>My son is very depressed about hearing about the sudden death of his friend’s father. He was notified about it through an email recently. It was a sudden death. I think my son is really worried about what will happen to to his friend’s mother, and to his friend’s college situation. His friend is a freshman at his state school, which costs about 20,000/year. His friend’s mother I believe has a part time job and his father was the major wage earner. They own a home in a high cost of living area. Geez, my son could hardly talk about it. Any advice on what to tell my son. The conversation was so unsettling to him that he cut the conversation short.</p>
<p>I am sorry. Many people have a hard time verbalizing their feelings. Just listen if he wants to talk. As he grieves for his friends loss he will also be wondering if this happened in his own family what the outcome might be. Let him know the financial safeguards most parents have in place for these unexpected times and what safeguards you have set up sometime during your conversations.</p>
<p>My younger daughter has one friend who’s father died this week from a heart attack and another friend’s father who barely survived one. She has been nervous about how to talk to her friends about their fathers and to be of help to them. </p>
<p>I just keep telling her to talk to her friends and let them know she’s there for them.</p>
<p>Thanks 2forcollege, and sax. Sax, I think that perhaps his friend does not know what will happen to him right now about school (not sure) and I do think that my son is worried about what will happen if this occurs in our family. I tried to talk to him about it, but he cut the conversation short. This was unsettling for me b/c I don’t know what he is thinking. I thought I was comforting him by giving him realistic answers about life insurance. He did not know what life insurance was. I tried to call him again today, but he is not answering his phone. I don’t think that he wants to discuss the possibility that his parents could die.</p>
<p>My father died when I was in middle school. When I returned to school the next week, I found all the questions very unsettling. Kids of that age are too young to have any tact. I was upset of course but really just wishing that my friends would not ask a lot of questions that I didn’t know the answer to and just treat me as they always had.</p>
<p>Have you ever discussed death, has he ever been to a funeral…has anyone close ever passed? I ask because it is a reallity of life and needs to be talked about, avoiding it does make it more difficult when people ask questions, so as a family, it is our responsibility to prepare our children for what happens as grandparents, young people, relatives, classmates, professors, significant others die. If we have laid some ground work, then when it does happen, the discussions with family can be a bit less traumatic…</p>
<p>As a lesson to others, this is something that needs to be discussed with our children when they are old enough to understand</p>
<p>My Ds have known for a long time who would take care of them and how if something happened to my H and me. </p>
<p>All you can do is be yourself…say that you plan on being around for a very long time to annoy him…and that when he is ready, you do need to sit and talk about plans…</p>
<p>I mean, if something heaven forbid does happen, he will have to deal with it, and more he is aware of where things are, the will, the finances, the easier it will be.</p>
<p>citygirlmom, yes we have done that. My kids knew where they would be going if mom and dad were to suddenly die (ie:car accident, fire). My son recently lost a relative last fall, and he has gone to a couple of funerals. I think this really hit home. I really think that he thought of death for the very old. His friend’s father seemed like he was in his late 40s, so this was different. I think that perhaps he just realized for the first time that one of his parents could die, and it could happen today.</p>
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<p>I am so sorry for your son’s friend’s loss.</p>
<p>I think you have hit the nail on the head. While he does feel for his friend and wonders what will happen with them, he also realizes that he is not so far removed from the same thing happening to his family.</p>
<p>Think about it, when someone who is aroung our age dies (whether we know them or not, we do take a moment and think about our own mortality). Then also with sudden death, it is just that, sudden and the surviving family members don’t have the opportunity for closure or to say and do everything they think should have been done. </p>
<p>I think all you can do is give him a hug, listen if he wants to talk, talk if he needs you to , bring him home if he wants to come to the services and support his friend and overall just be there for him. Also reassure him and let him know that while you and dad hope to live a really long life, God forbid this should happen in your family you have made provisions for him and his siblings and you would not want him to worry about this.</p>
<p>huggs to all of you.</p>
<p>Thanks Sybbie. You summed it up pretty well. My son is not going to come home, but I feel good that at least he will be home next week for his spring break. I think that he needs to be home right now. I hope that somewhere in my conversations with him, I can reassure him in person next week. I feel like he has the world on his shoulders right now.</p>
<p>northeastmom:</p>
<p>I think your son needs to separate his concerns about what might happen to him in a similar situation from his concerns about his friend. I don’t know enough to say whether the friend will be able to continue his studies, but you can discuss openly with your son what might happen in case of sudden death or sudden loss of income. It’s not a bad idea to discuss life insurance, and inheritance with your children. Some families purchase education insurance policies for just such contingencies. It could be something worth looking into.</p>
<p>In the meantime, your son could offer his friend a sympthetic ear. Once things have become a bit clearer, the friend could consider different scenarios to allow him to pursue his studies.</p>
<p>Okay, I am going to throw something out there…what if he is okay, and he senses you expect more from him in terms of a reaction</p>
<p>He may be dealing with it just fine, in a quiet kind of way, and doesn’t need to put on a face</p>
<p>He may be more relisient that you give him credit for</p>
<p>On the other had if he take this sooo deeply about another friends parent, he may need to talk to someone</p>
<p>citygirlsmom, I just called him and he answered his phone. He was eating a late lunch, and it was clear that he was done talking about it. I hope that he is dealing with it in a quiet way. I don’t expect any particular reaction from him. I just don’t want him to worry about our demise all day for days on end. I think that he will deal with it. He is usually a pretty level headed kid. I am still glad that he will be home next week.</p>
<p>If he DOES worry for days on end, you have a more serious issue than the death of a friend’s parent. </p>
<p>A sadness, a caring, a bit of worry is good and healthy, but if you sense it is “over the top” (for lack of a better phrase at this moment) then it is something that is beyond this incident</p>
<p>I agree (10 characters).</p>
<p>I am sure he will be fine, it probably was like geting slugged in the stomach and it takes some time to get ones balance again…so how he recovers if what you can watch for…</p>
<p>"Any advice on what to tell my son. "</p>
<p>Be a listener. </p>
<p>Right now his friend needs support from people like your son. Just somebody there to just nod his head and offer support. It also will be a good time to let your son know people greive differently and to spare any immediate judgement of his friend and how he deals with it.</p>
<p>Sophomore year my S had a friend lose his dad mid 50’s to a heart attack. The brother drove 2 hours each way to support their brother. The same questions arose about the situation as it is common to put yourself in another’s situation. </p>
<p>We talked a little bit about things if it happened to us. My health has not be ideal for some time and I know I am on the wrong side of the average life expectancy chart. We talked about what I would want for a service… an irish wake. a bagpiper and lots of contemorary irish music (only early U2 though, van, thin lizzy, etc…) he would make me happy in death if he grieved for a momment and remembered everything else.</p>
<p>Northeastmom,
I tried to send you a PM but kept getting that darn white screen of death. You’ve gotten a lot of good advice here and it sounds like your son is doing a little better in just a couple of days. I have the best conversations with my older son (who is an awful lot like yours) when we are driving somewhere, just the two of us. If I were in your place over the break, I would find an opportunity to go someplace that required a longish non-stressful drive and broach the subject then. hugs to you and your family.</p>
<p>Kathie, Actually, I think he just found out about this today, so he hasn’t even had 24 hours to take it in. Good advice, and thank you.</p>