Dealing with super unsupportive parents? Should I just go with what they want?

Pre-College Topics High School Life
1

So I’m 17, going into my senior year, and I grew up in a family of doctors and have always had an strong interest in the medical field. I really want to dedicate my career to expanding my medical knowledge and helping others because I have a passion for the field, but my family is pressuring me to go to dental school instead. Their logic for this is that dentistry is easier and has more flexible hours & that I’m apparently incapable of the time and effort medical school takes up. They keep saying how all I care about is having fun and that I’m too lazy and wouldn’t be able to handle the stress of med school or being a doctor/surgeon. I find this incredibly unfair because I always take rigorous classes, do well in my APs, and scored a 33 on my ACTs, hell I get degraded whenever I get anything below an A, but just because I go out on the weekends and actually have a life, they think I’m unwilling to work hard and pursue a demanding career as well. I realize med school is long and difficult, but I’m driven and motivated for it whereas I know I’d be unhappy pursuing something I have no interest in. Not to make the rant too personal; I understand that they have more experience and want what’s best from me, but I really don’t want to be taking advice from the people who called me immature when I admitted that I had struggled w/ depression and self harm a year ago, because clearly my own feelings aren’t important to them and I haven’t burdened them with anything related to that ever since.

The issue is, they’re planning on paying for my college education in full, along with getting me an apartment and everything, and will do that whether I go into dentistry or med school. I’d feel awful if I went against their wishes when they’re going to do everything for me, but I’m so tired of letting others decide things for me. I have tried so much to sit down with them and have a talk about it, but I just end up getting yelled at and told that I’m wrong and ruining my life. When I got the perspective of really close family friends who are basically like family to me and consist of both surgeons and dentists, I was told medicine is too stressful for a woman and would take away time from raising a family (I don’t even want kids??), and even though I know they meant well, hearing sexist assumptions from people I love and trust was really devastating, and makes me think that if everyone says I can’t do it, maybe I really can’t. I don’t want to sound ungrateful or dramatic, I honestly have been really respectful to what everyone keeps telling me but I’m so tired of explaining what I want to do with my life when none of them care to listen anyways.

I get the whole cliche “follow your dreams” stuff, but is that really worth it if it makes you lose the respect and support of your own family?

2

I understand that feeling of having a passion for something so strong that you know you would hate yourself for doing anything else and having no one else understand that. It sucks.
Honestly, your family is just worried about you and wants the best for you. Are they showing it in a not so great way? Yes, but that doesn’t change the purpose. They are trying to take their struggles and make it so you don’t have to deal with them. That’s all any parent wants to do for their kid. They just don’t want you to make a decision you will regret.
It is just going to take time to show them that this is really what you want to do. You still have the rest of high school and undergrad. Get involved as you can in research, clubs, and shadowing other (preferably female) doctors to show your interests. I belive if you show them you are committed and fully understand what choosing the profession means, they will embrace it. There is not much to do but respect a person who handled more than you ever thought they could.

3

And also, there are ALWAYS people who are willing to help you (guidance counsellor, extracurricular mentor, religious leader) with any emotional issues even if your parents aren’t,

4

First, thank you for sharing your problem and the background surrounding your situation.

The amount of trust you are granted by your parents is commensurate to the track record of decisions you have made up to this point. Whatever the underlying circumstance may be, it seems you have given reasons (intentionally or unintentionally) and cause for concern, about your temperament and ability to weather a demanding career.

True, no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, but regaining trust from your parent is a good start.

Your parents trust and confidence in you will grow when you start to develop a new record of responsible behavior and action. Start with something small. Trading movie time during the weekend for doing online research about the future of your field of interest is a great step. Of course, you would be invested in this new behavior as it relates to your future, and not treat it as a mindless, side show exercise to impress your parents. With time, your advancement will be known to others and your parents.

What happens if that doesn’t work? Continue to talk the matter with them. Ask them respectfully what you need to do to gain their trust, confidence and approval with the choice of your future career (you may have to do so by selecting an appropriate time. Typing it down on paper is another avenue to get the discussion rolling). Don’t expect your parents to immediately make concessions. They want you to be able to deliver on your end. This is where you need to step up and prove that you are someone they can trust and believe in. Over time, your parents may grant you trust and a sense of confidence in your career choice.

Whichever career decision you make, don’t look at your conversations with your parents as a dead-end roadblock. There are detours and side streets you can take to keep the conversation open and moving. Remember, they are your allies and not your enemies, so try to keep that in mind amid the many future discussions you will be having.

5

I’m on the same boat as you. I want to go into medicine too, but my parents think I’m uncommitted because I try to hang out with friends in my free time even though I get good grades and test scores. In the end, no one can decide what you’re going to do except you. If you really want medicine more than anything, the only thing you can do is prove your parents wrong, and if you follow through and do well they will be happy for you. If you decide to choose medicine, tell your parents that but also say that you’ll still consider dentistry depending on your experience in college, or vice-versa if you decide on dentistry.

I wish you the best because I really feel you on this one.

6

My concern is that you struggled with depression and self-harm in high school, and high school is a relative breeze compared to college & medical school. If you don’t have the proper coping skills in place to deal with these issues (and I don’t mean bottling them up and not talking about them anymore, I mean talking to a professional and having a workable set of skills in place), med school will chew you up and spit you out.

However, people change and grow a lot in their undergraduate years, so I’d take classes that let you go either med or dental, work on becoming a secure, independent adult who can handle their workload, and then revisit this question your senior year-of college. The world will look a lot different then, I suspect.

7

I believe people should follow their dreams.

But…what if your family is right? After all, they have seen it from the inside out.

What have you ever done that even comes close to being as hard and demanding as Medicine can be?

8

Thank you for all the answers! I feel like I should clear some things up, though, sorry I write so much but still manage to be vague lol

I honestly don’t think my parents shouldn’t trust me, as I’ve never done anything to breach this trust. They are extremely overprotective and believe that they know me better than I know myself. They think that a career should solely be for financial purposes, and that dentistry is the only solution because it’s quicker money with much less stress. They don’t get that I’m willing to dedicate my life to improving myself and helping others as a doctor and that I can’t be fulfilled without a challenging career. I realize dentistry itself isn’t easy by any means, but the idea of spending the rest of my life fixing teeth doesn’t even remotely appeal to me despite the monetary benefits.

As for the depression, I don’t think “coping” is really an issue anymore because I’ve been pretty happy this past year. I mostly just brought it up here as an example of why I don’t fully trust my parents’ judgement. Although the problems weren’t due to schoolwork, it really affected my grades and since I had never gotten B’s until that point, the grades only worsened the depression and put me in a crappy cycle, but I did get out of it. I only had 1 AP class last year; this year I had 3 and managed my time much better, went out a lot more, hung out with better groups of friends, and have been overall happy. I’m not claiming that I feel 100% mentally, but at this point, I do consider those problems as overcome and don’t think they’re representative of what I’m capable of.

My electives are all science-centered and I’ve done volunteer work at hospitals and have shadowed both surgeons and dentists (which only furthered my desire to become an MD). Obviously I can’t compare high school to the heavy workload that comes for a medical student, but I think I’ve been preparing at least somewhat for that with my classes. I’m ahead a year in math, and have had AP chem, AP calc, AP env science, and AP bio, (all of which I got A’s in except chem) along with the hardest English courses my school offers, and am taking AP physics AP stat AP psych (I know the last two hardly count as APs lol) and honors anatomy next year. I’m used to heavy workloads and staying up late completing projects and assignments. I don’t even know where my parents concluded that I’m lazy; I’ve never missed turning in an assignment and I never go to bed until all my work for the next day is complete. I get that they want things to be easier for me, but again, I’m not just looking for an easy way to make money.

I also should’ve been more specific about my college plans; there are med schools in Europe I’ve been looking at (which some of my family has studied at and have been successful from), and unlike our system where you have to complete your undergrad years, you go straight into med school/dental school after high school…so I really don’t have those extra four years to figure things out. I’ve considered staying, but considering how long of a process going into medicine is, I think it’d be a better idea to save four years, get my degree, and then take the USMLE to work in the US (which my parents also strongly recommend I do).

9

Super unsupportive patents would not pay for school.

Unsupportive parents would only pay for dental school.

Supportive parents pay for college and let you choose…but it does not mean they won’t express their opinions. They’ve been there. But, you can show them you are serious, and they will see that. Expecting a HS kid to show that kind of drive and maturity you get in med school is a but over the top. They may just feel you won’t like it!

I wish my kids would do orthadontics!! Cha-ching!

10

@HRSMom Fair point, but I shouldn’t speak too soon; if I study in the US my mom flat out said (more “yelled”) that I’m either majoring in biomedical engineering for undergrad or not going to college at all lol. I get that it’s my choice in the end and all that, but I don’t know if it’s a choice worth making if everyone I trust believes so firmly that it’s a huge mistake

11

Have you thought hard about going to foreign colleges? If you plan on doing any competitive specialty, it will be harder to match after going to foreign schools, not that going to US schools will be easy. Also, biomedical engineering is relatively new and a lot of programs are not accredited so watch it for that.

Talk with your parents about the best course, but only after extensive research so you look like you know what you’re talking about, not just dreaming

12

Understood. I hope you can get them comfortable. I really dont think it is fair to expect you to be a focused as a med student in 11th grade! You have the right to be a kid after all! It doesn’t mean you won’t be serious AS a med student, right? Do what you think is right after listening. If you listen and give their opinions consideration, I hope they will respect your choice! good luck!

13

Pffft, after reading your second reply, I just shake my head. Your parents have been there, done that, and earned the t-shirt. Your second reply was all about “oh I forgot to tell you this” and explain why you’re actually happy (depression is not the opposite of happy, girl), and the whole “I’m willing to dedicate my life to helping others” baloney says you’re not mature enough or tough enough to understand the grueling endurance it takes to become a doctor. The docs who succeed are not selfless angels-those people are destroyed in the grinder that is med school. You need to take a hard look at the fluffy happy life that you inhabit right now and ask yourself what you’re good at and what you’re willing to work hard at-and if it’s death and gore and sickness, more power to you and go kick ass as a doc. If it’s some manky teeth and a nice beemer, go do dentistry. But really, stop the Oh Poor Me stuff. If you want to make the world a better place, use your parents’ influence and money to get to where you want to go. If you want to make YOUR world a better place, pick a different major and enjoy it.

14

Thank you for adding further clarification to your first post; this helps to see your situation in a better light.

In the original and second response, it’s nice that you’ve demonstrated a consistent academic track record. This demonstrates that you’ve developed solid study habits, time management and the ability to handle stress.

It’s a little puzzling why you still think your parents would still consider you “lazy” (despite your high subject grades). It probably won’t happen, but it would be nice to hear your parents side of the story and to let them voice their concerns first-hand (and yes, you’ve already stated their position).

True, it might be their critical, parental untamed voice unleashing out of control, but do be receptive to the possibility that some substance may exist behind that veil of raging criticism.

Do keep a few things in mind though as you continue to engage in productive, ongoing conversations with your parents:

  • Consider Long Term Consequences Your decision may have significant consequences. On a sheet of paper, write down and try to determine what they will be. I noticed you mentioned the lack of intellectual challenge the field in dentistry may present. That's a start. Continue to write a list of pros and cons for both medicine and dentistry, and don't hold nothing back. Loans anyone?
  • Be Open to Counsel An old proverb states: “There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk, but in the multitude of counselors there is accomplishment.” Since no two situations are alike, it's important to hear what others have to say about your situation (both the good and bad). This will require that you bring down your guard for a moment (even if you don't want to), and to listen to both the pros and cons of your potential career. What are some of the benefits to this choice and what are the drawbacks? When taking in counsel and their experience, you do so under the recognition that you will personally make your own decision and to assume full responsibility for it.
  • Take Sufficient Time Hastily made decisions can turn out to be unwise ones. A proverb states: “The plans of the diligent one surely make for advantage, but everyone that is hasty surely heads for want.” Some decisions may require a time-sensitive response, but don't rush into anything without having thought through the situation properly.
  • How Your Decision Affect Others The constant yelling, criticism and yelling gets on your nerves. It's tough. No question. But through it all, do consider the alternative: If you never received any of this criticism, wouldn't you wonder if your parents cared about you? Whichever decision you make, just keep in mind that at the end of the day, your parents are looking out for your best interest (in their own raging, crazy diabolical sort of way) and that they genuinely want you to succeed and to be happy with your life. Amid all that loud, screeching yelling you say? Yes. Promise.
15

I think this is a debate that you can save for a few years down the line. Go to college and take med school/dental school pre-reqs/ECs and see what makes sense at the time you are ready to apply. In a way, getting into medical school is the hardest part of the process so if you can become a competitive applicant by the end of college, you will prove to yourself and your parents that you have, to some degree, what it takes to go through medical training.

16

@UCLAalumPro Thank you so much for your thorough response

17

@ri0tvan my son often “hears” things much differently that I said them. I hope that is your case. Chin up, prove yourself. If you want it, don’t tell them, show them. They can argue your words, but if you show them, they will stop arguing.

18

Since you’re in a family of doctors, is it possible that they are steering you in a different direction because of what they think about the practice of medicine rather than what they think of you? Maybe they are subtly trying to tell you that it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be or that it might not be worth the effort. Obamacare is a little scary to most medical professionals. Not to mention the malpractice issues etc… I have a lot of doctor friends who say they would go in a different direction if they had to do it over again.

19

I agree with @gluttonforstress maybe they don’t like the medical field and don’t want you to do something that will make you unhappy. The way insurance is going, doctors are getting paid less and less (yes they still make a lot…) and you never know what will happen. I’ve seen psychologists and medical professionals who do not accept insurance anymore because it’s not worth their time. Doctors want to help people, but they need to make a living, especially after shelling out serious money for school.

However, if medical is the way you wish to go after HS, then to for it! Being a doctor could be so satisfying! (the above paragraph was me just playing devils advocate)

20

Your parents need to understand also that you are only 17. You will change a lot through the years of your education, and even two or three years from now you won’t be the same. I was 17 six years ago, and I’m no where near anything I was like then.