<p>OK, since I would never bother writing a letter to Dear Abbey, I’m just going to post it here instead…</p>
<p>A very good friend of mine just “confessed” (actually, it felt a little more like “bragged”) to me that she has been having an affair for many years. I had heard rumors of this affair a couple of years ago, but was sort of hoping it wasn’t true.</p>
<p>I am so disgusted with her that I don’t really want to be friends with her anymore. I resent having been made a co-conspirator and I no longer feel respect for her. But, I feel a loss there, as we have a lot in common.</p>
<p>Surely, someone here has had a similar experience? Was the friendship salvageable or did you let it go?</p>
<p>I had a similar experience with a friend’s ‘confession’ many years ago. It was difficult because we were good friends, our kids were friends, our husbands were friends. It definitely put a strain on our relationship but I didn’t abandon her completely, as she seemed to need someone to talk to about it. In her case, I think she felt terribly guilty (she never really bragged about it) and eventually, it ended. It did affect our friendship, though, which I felt badly about.</p>
<p>I went through a similar situation with a friend. I was not comfortable being close friends with someone who was cheating on her husband, who also was a friend of mine. I backed off from the friendship until they divorced.</p>
<p>Since then, I do my best to avoid those kind of confessions, and if any friend seems ready to unload something like that on me, I tell them that I don’t believe in affairs, and I think that people who have those kind of concerns should talk to a professional therapist.</p>
<p>I haven’t had that experience
However- if this was a very good friend- I assume she is someone who you feel close to- that you share similar values with- and that you trust their judgement.
I would wonder why if you have heard rumors- that you havent asked her about it before.
I don’t think most people jump into anothers bed lightly- while I think that in our society extramartial affairs can cause damage to a primary relationship, they don’t occur in a vacuum- something else was going on for your friend for that to be an option.
Just as we make a commitment to our spouses to support them even when they are human and make mistakes- I think that if this friendship is important- that it should have room for mistakes.
Only you can decide if this flaw in your friends character is enough for you to sever the friendship.
I have a feeling that since this has been going on for many years- although you have never discussed it before- her mentioning it to you seems like she is trying to go down a different path- whether it means leaving her husband- or trying to mend that relationship- it sounds like she is trying to make something happen.</p>
<p>This all assumes, of course, that she is telling the truth, and not making up the affair story to massage her ego. Hey - if she would lie to her husband, why couldn’t she just as easily be lying to you? :o</p>
<p>DH and I had friends from college with whom we were extremely close. We are their children’s godparents. Several years ago, the husband called and asked if he and the kids could come visit for a couple of days. When they arrived, he told us that he and his wife were divorcing because she was having an affair. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out. I was extremely angry with her for doing that to her husband and their children. I didn’t speak to her for at least a year after that, but I figured if her ex-husband could forgive her, I could, too. We don’t really see either of them anymore, which is very sad.</p>