Dear Parents, What Should I do about mine?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Dear Parents,</p>

<p>I was hoping to receive some advice as I am in an aggravating and frustrating situation with my family. While I realize that my problems are probably not unique and in comparison with the majority of the earth’s population, I have a relatively fortunate life situation, the ridiculousness of my home life is nevertheless taking an increasingly large toll on my sanity.</p>

<p>I was raised the eldest of three sons in a middle-class Asian-American family run by a strict, authoritarian father. I can’t really complain about the first twelve years of my life; although I was disciplined on a regular basis and my parent’s expectations were high, life, for the most part, was fair.</p>

<p>However since around the age of thirteen I’ve been witnessing what I have perceived as a general decline in my home life. I’ve been physically abused by my father, I can’t recall the last conversation any of us had with each other that wasn’t overflowing with expletives and I’m suddenly the “bad guy” in the family for “wasting” my parents’ money on a liberal arts college tuition. </p>

<p>The good news of the story is that my parents can cover my college tuition (they pay it in full). The bad news is that due to the above factors, I’m slowly starting to view my parents as nothing more than a source of financial support. I simply dread coming home and only do so because of some irrational, self-imposed Asian obligation towards my family I have. </p>

<p>I am not particularly close to my father (relations tend to be strained when you’re deliberately dropped off in the most dangerous part of town and told to walk home for “talking back” and kicked while sleeping because he had a bad day at work), and while my mother is slightly more receptive to my woe, she has never held a stance independent of my father’s. I don’t feel very comfortable under this roof. I’ve got my fair share of flaws, but I wouldn’t consider myself a bad kid.</p>

<p>In short, I don’t have a particularly large incentive to have any dealings with my family following graduation. I am adamant in my belief that my parents will NOT be receptive to any input or comments I have on anything that goes on around here, perhaps act defensive, and worst case scenario simply cut off tuition and kick me out of the house. The guiding mentality of my parents can basically be summed up as this: “your father pays for your living, so he can do what he wants”. At this point I’m just hoping someone can verify whether I’ve already lost my mind or not…</p>

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<p>Based on the abuse you’ve described, your plans make a lot of sense. So that you can carefully think through your plans, I suggest that you also talk with someone at your college’s counseling center. It also may help you to read some self help groups for child abuse survivors and to attend a support group. Googling can provide you with such info.</p>

<p>This book looks like it may be helpful: “Outgrowing the Pain: A book for Adults Abused as Children” by Eliana Gil.</p>

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<p>*In short, I don’t have a particularly large incentive to have any dealings with my family following graduation. *</p>

<p>Once you’ve graduated, your employment plans can influence what you’re able to do. For instance, if your job “just happens” to be in another state then the physical distance will create a barrier between you and your dad. At that point, you’ll be able to control how often you see them and for how long.</p>

<p>My H’s dad had the “it’s my way or the highway,” attitude also. And, guess what? None of his boys had a close relationship with him once they got their educations and moved away with their jobs. Once you’re self-supporting, you will have the right to call the shots of what you do and when.</p>

<p>So, keep quiet for now, but don’t expose yourself to abuse. Minimize time with your dad. You’re probably home now for the holidays. Well, be “away” from home as much as you can. Go off with friends, etc. </p>

<p>I am concerned about your siblings, too. Are they younger than you? Are they being abused? </p>

<p>Good luck with your education and your plans. I hope that you’ll be able to find a job that is far enough away that the distance will offer some protection and RELIEF! </p>

<p>Are you a senior in college?</p>

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<p>zer0ed - This “style” of parenting is less common than it used to be … I was raised a similar environment many years ago. I think your plans are very good. In time you may find it easier to spend time with your parents. But you need to find independence first. JMHO. Good luck.</p>

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<p>It doesn’t sound like you’ve lost your mind, more like you’re gaining a sense of what’s possible because you’re away from your parents. If there’s counseling at school, take advantage of it. It’s sad but probably true that you need to get away as neatly as possible, establish your own life, and perhaps use that as a stable base from which to help your siblings. All the best to you, this is such a hard situation.</p>

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<p>Be sure you put in time at the gym. It will help you feel more competent and in control.</p>

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<p>Parents earn the relationship they have with their children. H’s dad was an authoritarian jerk. Now he’s 80. One of his kids doesn’t speak to him at all. The other three still call home, but when they do, they pray that their mom anwers the phone instead of their dad. He earned that relationship.</p>

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<p>I’ve seen this same pattern in many first generation families. FA dominates and mom quietly sits by. I do wish you’d find a therapist at counseling center, experienced with this pattern. In CA, the Asian/Pacific Counseling ctr is a good resource for those at all ages.</p>

<p>i don’t think you will see your FA change. He is probably concerned about your major and job prospects. It would be great if you obtain a job about 2 hours away, so you can visit, but won’t be expected to participate in day-to-day chores. </p>

<p>I am not suggesting that one needs to be Asian to have a controlling FA. I am saying that there are specialized courses and articles that some therapists participate in, and such people would be better suited to understand and help focus on issues.</p>

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<p>Hey guys, </p>

<p>Sorry for the late response and thank you very much for the support. Northstarmom, I look forward to reading that book. Counseling is the first thing I’m doing when I get back to college (I’ve just been talking to my reverend while at home).</p>

<p>I’m actually really concerned about my siblings. I’m constantly thinking about how to help out my two younger brothers but they aren’t especially receptive to it. Admittedly, I wasn’t the best older brother when I was living in the house, though I was completely in the dark and drowning as well until I was exposed to normal people through college. </p>

<p>The problem is that my parents expect my brothers to raise themselves. For some reason that eludes me, my parents are completely fine with my brothers buying luxury goods such as Louis Vuitton wallets, yet don’t spend a single second trying to help them with the college application process, encourage good studying habits, etc. Thus, my brothers are used to living at an extravagant standard and aren’t given any incentive to learn how to replicate it. Instead, many days are spent mindlessly playing video games. Although they are smart, well-intentioned, and overall good kids, my brothers are undeniably under-performing academically and are incredibly unmotivated. It’s just a vicious cycle and I hate my parents all the more for it.</p>

<p>I’m trying to do what I can now, but again my parents are extremely defensive when I make any suggestions. I’m talking to various members at my church to reach out to my brothers, but that may not go very will with my father, who has had a falling out with the church. I’ve tried approaching my brothers directly, but its really hard changing them in just the span of a couple of weeks. These habits have been reinforced and rewarded throughout their entire lives.</p>

<p>And finally, I am going to escape this cycle after graduation. I’ve spent the majority of my college career preparing for a career in Asia (specifically in China), and while its been a lot of work, I do actually have extended family over there that view me more than a walking pile of debts to be paid. I just feel extremely guilty ditching my brothers; we were all raised in the same household, I’m not better/smarter/superior than them and the only real difference between me and them was that I was fortunate enough to become extremely involved in athletics, spend the least amount of time possible at my home, and use my focus to apply to colleges and get out of here.</p>

<p>My friends tell me I can only do so much, but I don’t want to have any regrets 5-10 years down the road after what will happen happens.</p>

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<p>And yes, my brothers have been abused. I’ve seen my father kick my brother on the ground after a scuffle over a television controller- with a friend present. It really pains me to see the same lack of self-confidence that I had re-emerge in them.</p>

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<p>You could turn your parents in for their abuse, including for the abuse you’ve witnessed their doing to your siblings. I believe that you can turn them in without your parents knowing who did it. Your siblings could maimed or killed by your parents just as you could have been. Your sibs may not be as fortunate as you were to escape with no physical wounds (still, with excruciating emotional wounds). </p>

<p>Here’s a link to a free national child abuse hotline where you could get advice and support: [Get</a> Help with Child Abuse and Neglect - Childhelp](<a href=“http://www.childhelp.org/get_help]Get”>http://www.childhelp.org/get_help)</p>

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<p>Honestly, I wish I had the balls five years ago to make that phone call. Thank you for the link.</p>

<p>Hypothetically speaking, if a parent gets turned in, what happens after that?</p>

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<p>Child protective services comes to investigate. Depending on what they find, they may have your parents take parenting classes while being supervised by a social worker or they may remove your siblings from the home while your parents get counseling, etc. Removing a child from the home is the last resort and is done typically only when there appears to be an imminent danger to the children.</p>

<p>CPS was involved with a friend of mine whose husband was beating their daughter. He took parenting classes and learned to handle his anger in a more appropriate way, so much more appropriate that when the parents divorced (not related to the abuse. It was just a bad marriage), the daughter chose to live with him.</p>

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<p>zer0ed - Tread carefully re: contacting the child abuse hotline. While well-meaning, many child welfare agencies are bureaucracies in which child welfare is not a high priority. The CT agency has been under federal oversight for um, decades(?) due to poor history of protecting children.</p>

<p>So before you make that call, get a good idea of what will (probably) occur in your region. I’d think your Reverend would be a good resource to do that.</p>

<p>Again, good luck with this situation.</p>

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<p>You also can get info about what might happen by contacting that hotline that I gave the link for before.</p>