From Slate’s new Prudie advice columnist.
Girl, Uninterruptable
Prudie advises a letter writer upset over a college freshman daughter’s lack of contact.
(been there/done that, good advice, IMHO!)
Accounts like that is a reason I’m grateful to have attended HS/college before the rise of ubiquitous cell phones and texting and parents who understood that going off to undergrad means students may be too busy to maintain frequent regular communications.
Sometimes, people need to understand that one cannot expect to respond back to calls/texts in an instant…especially texts.
It’s something I find especially odd among some colleagues’ spouses who expect immediate responses to texts/calls throughout the workday…even though some worksites/offices specifically prohibit us from using our personal cell phones or sometimes even having them onsite.*
- Information security policies. In the latter case, we would have to check in our cellphones and tablets before going into those specific work areas where personal cellphones/communication devices are barred. In those cases, one may be out of contact for several hours at a stretch.
My wife could probably relate to the original poster (@Prudie’s place, not here) but I ran interference, since she was a not (and still is not) much of a texter. My “trick” (which I’m sure D saw through) was to text or email (usually with an attachment) when I saw something I thought she might find interesting. Didn’t always get a response, but a smilie or a hahaha let me reassure wife that DD was alive and well on the other side of the country. That’s all she needed to sleep at night.
Texting a pic of the dog always worked.
Mom ought to be thrilled that the D is apparently happy and busy her first semester away. Much better than hours on the phone with Mom, crying, homesick, and being miserable. Mom sounds a bit childish in wanting to punish her D for not needing her so much. Some contact is good and considerate, but students aren’t obliged to be on call for their parents (and vice versa).
I agree with @cobrat; back in the day before the internet and smartphones, students were most definitely not in contact with home constantly. I was 1200 miles away from home. I had a standing appointment on Sunday nights to talk to my parents on the phone at the end of the hall. If I had tried to contact them at any other time, they would have freaked out, expecting some drastic emergency!
Incidentally I miss Emily Yoffe. It will take me some time to get used to the new Prudence.
A pic of the dog works much better than some goofy emoji. How are you supposed to reply to an emoji that comes out of the blue?
A mother who’s going to withhold Christmas presents till she gets enough attention? What a nightmare. I can totally see why the daughter is trying to maintain some distance. Yikes.
These helicopter parents are getting out of control.
My older son went to university in the late 90’s. He called once a week from the payphone in the dorm hallway.
Ha ha. I refused to talk to my parents for two months. I forget what the issue was. They had to persuade the math department secretary to get me on the phone.
We all called once a week in the olden days. Sun night after the rates went down. Quick calls, to ensure we were still alive.
^Collect. From the payphone down the hall.
^^^LOL remember those days well.
I encouraged Sunday night “heart beat calls”. That never happened. The communication blackouts were annoying. DH and I started referring to DS “Johnny” with pet name of “JohnnyWho?”. We did gave him A+ for Independence. When he had logistic challenges, he figured them out.
Yes! And/or the cat. If you make it an especially cute pic, it literally works every time. Just for those days where all you really want to know is that they are alive. Some days just knowing they are alive is all you need.
My parents got a private 1800 number so my sister and I could call and not do so collect. That was quite the game changer!
That was far more frequent contact than I or most male HS/college classmates I knew would have contacted our parents*. The female classmates tended to have more frequent and regular contact with their parents on average.
Granted, my parents…especially my father were ok and expected it as part of “spreading our wings” and learning to cope being on our own without depending on parents.
- One common complaint I kept hearing from every one of their mothers when I met them was the fact they didn't call home often enough and to ask me to remind them to do so. While I was polite in saying I'll do my best...I knew from my own inclinations and from knowing theirs that such reminders are a waste of breath and would be viewed dimly by most of them as the mothers/parents still viewing them as little kiddies rather than young adults.
I went to college in the 80s. I didn’t even call once a week. I don’t think there was any kind of expectation of how frequent the contact would be. We did have telephones in our dorm rooms, though, not the down the hall thing. So I guess my parents would call when they felt like it, or I could as well. I remember always being aware of “LONG DISTANCE” rates, so I sure didn’t call just to talk.
D1(4th year Ph.D student) is VERY loving, but all into being “independent,” so there is no expectation of contact. It’s very hit or miss. D2, on the other hand, is in constant contact. I hear from her every day, multiple times. It might just be an emoji, or a link to a funny video. It would be very odd not to hear from her for whole week. I’d probably freak out. Whereas it is normal for D1.
@Pizzagirl & @garland & @happy1 : how many of you remember how to bypass the pay phone? I’m sure the statute of limitations has run by now …
I remember at least 3 ways, one not so legal.
I did not actually expect anyone to bite, but I am laughing …